lovtolaff

I do....I get irritated at myself for the sh*t that I have put up with in my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend (who is DEEP in denial). Sometimes I want to come here and bi*ch about everything and than I stop and think - wait...I am partly to blame for this, I am the one CHOOSING to stay in this hell.

Does anyone else feel this way? I love my man dearly and like most alcoholics - he is a dream when not drinking but (there is always a "but" with him) when the alcohol comes out - it's a different story. And actually, it's not every time he drinks but why live your life "waiting" on the drama that may or may not come? Sheesh. I get so frustrated with life sometimes.

I'm not at a point where I'm ready to walk away from him but it's sad because compared to a year ago - my heart and mind are in a totally different place. I'm more hard hearted towards him and I lose respect for him every time we have an "incident" - I guess it's just a matter of time huh? Maybe I'm just prolonging the inevitable.

Can anyone relate to this Friday morning ramble?

cookconfay

Uh....yeah....read my posts over the last 4 months or so.....LOL

For now.....and hopefully for a LONG LONG time...it's officially OFF with my xabf!

I don't trust him, I will not sit around and allow myself to be talked to that way, or lied to anymore! I love him, but I can NOT be with him. As a friend told me a long time ago about him & his wife.....he told me....."we're like Nitroglycerin". Well....that's exactly how it is for me & Rusty. Only most of the time he thinks things are all ok.....:rof

Rella927

In the past yes I could relate to it-

I was tired of living the life of "what if" with my XABF and also other things in my life-

I believe that one has to be ready to walk away and want to live a better happier life for themselves.

I know until I was ready I kept beating myself up over and over and over.....until one day I found SR and Al-Anon and my HP! I will continue to work on ME and release the chaos and drama that trapped me in bad choices-

I wish you the best and hope that you take care of you! It is a hard thing to admit:

And it is a start....good for you! When you decide you want to make the CHOICE to leave that hell you will ....until then keep posting your not alone!

Barbara52

Yup, before I decided to stop ignoring the elephant in the room and accept that a good part of my problem was my willingness to put up with all the stuff, I was irritated and down right angry with myself.

It was a good part of what led me to leave because I finally admitted my life would suck as long as I was willing to let his alcoholism influence my life.

lovtolaff

Well it sure is nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

One thing I do want to bitch about is that my boyfriend has me questioning myself and that pisses me off. The biggest question I go back and forth with is - am I boring? I have friends and family that tell me how much fun and lively I am but sometimes I feel so boring with my boyfriend - like he would rather drink and go to a bar (even if it's together ) than to do what I would call "normal" stuff. It's like everything has to revolve around drinking or it just isn't "fun". Now deep down I know that that is NOT normal thinking but it gets to me occasionally. Does that make sense?

Also, here's another stupid thought - what if he is starting to see me as a true "bitch"? In the beginning of our relationship I pretty much was easy going and nothing bothered me until I realized that the drinking/drunkeness only gets worse as time goes on - than yeah I'd have to say that I have some gripes about it. So I am quick to voice my opinion over such things - however, he just thinks I'm being a "nag". Grrrrr. He's really good at turning things around on me.

Well maybe one day I will get to wherever it is I need to be in order to stop this insanity. I'm sad over that because I love him so much and love being with him under "normal" circumstances.

Thanks to all who replied. Best of luck to all of you.

Barbara52

Alcoholics are masters of turning their problems aside and making it all about those around them. Afterall, they don't have a problem you know.

And if standing up for yourself and what you want makes you a b*tch, I say fine, be a b*tch.

Rella927

I use to think the same way..."One day" guess what we do not get where we want in life by waiting and saying when things are "normal" they are good so I will just wait for things to be normal and for him to stop drinking. We get by in life by doing for ourselves! Working at what we want...

What about you? Family, Friends all say good things about you.....if this person is making you question yourself-there is something wrong there-yes? I feel that our family and friends know us best..the real us!

I know that when I felt good saying something it was then my A would slam me down because he would notice that I was not "under his spell" any longer which would mean his comfort zone was about to disappear! That would mean having to face his problem or try to find another means of getting what he needed to keep drinking...another "comfort zone"....They do not have a problem ...they make it that you are the one with the problem!

Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meeting? It maybe something to go sit in on and just listen......

lovtolaff

Ha ha - problem? What problem? It's not a problem according to him - he just LIKES to drink. Yeah whatever.

And yeah I've pretty much come to that conclusion too.

Al-anon meeting? Yeah I've thought about it. Pisses me off sometimes b/c I think WHY am I the one that has to seek out help? And then I really get mad at myself and think "I wouldn't have to go to Al-anon or any other "anon" IF I would just get rid of the reason for having to go in the first place." I know that isn't the right way to feel about it - but I'm just being honest here.

Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.:wtf2

Rella927

Actually I was not going to respond to this post anymore but this caught my eye.....I use to think that way too about "I wouldn't have to go to Al-Anon...." but as I have come to realize that I'm actually blessed that I did go because I found out A LOT about ME that was contributing to my poor relationships with not only men but others as well....jobs,friends, family-I thank the A's that were in my life because I have never been more happy with myself or my life until I started doing the work and found out that I too did have a problem! (Actually several!)

Barbara52

Yup, me too. I would have continued blindly through life without gaining understandings about myself and how to have better relationships and a better life.

FormerDoormat

Normal circumstances for me is being sober. Normal circumstances for my ABF was constant intoxication. So where did that leave me? Lonely, sad, miserable, angry with myself, and lost.

I got lost in my boyfriend's addiction. I found myself with the help of my HP, Alanon, and SR.

I prolonged the inevitable for 25 years. I don't recommend that others follow in my footsteps.

Miss Pink

Drunks leave alcohol when it hurts bad enough.

Codependents leave alcoholics when they hurt bad enough.

Same disease, same path. When it hurts "that bad" we make a different choice.

Your "that bad" will differ from everyone else's.

tryingtofly

lovtolaff - are we the same person? My story is very similar. My husband didn't drink all the time, and it was only ocassionaly that there was a problem when he drank. But then slowly he started drinking more. On Christmas, he called me a bore, a wet blanket, boring and no fun - all because I didn't drink. Well I had stopped drinking more than a glass of wine, cause I couldn't be a "Fun date" I had to be a "watchful mom". I was starting to resent him.
Good luck - you're not alone

justjo

Yep, I got irritated with myself and somedays it comes back to haunt me.
Until - I realised this.... I kept asking myself - why has terrible things always been in my life, why do I have to go through all this, why are they doing this to me.. THEN..I realized they werent doing anything to me...I was letting it happen all by myself. I was letting them use me, run all over me.

When I got to had enough! I distanced myself from all of it. Nope Im not having this conversation today, nope Im not giving you money today, nope Im not letting you make me feel guilty. I had to get so angry to let go.

I am a better person for it and occasionally I have to slap myself if it starts to happen again.

Good Luck Honey

DII

We've all been through this phase. They don't have a problem they just like to drink. We become the problem.....nag, whine, badger etc. I think the worst phase is after they admit they are alcoholic, get help....but never get any farther. They are in a constant state of treatment, always fragile, sad, feeling ashamed, wanting us to see how well they are doing etc. This phase is sometimes even more difficult.

joyfulnoiz

well, i am new here, but been living with AH for 30 years, been down the sad road of treatment, rehab, psych ward...always hopeful, but nothing has changed for the better, it has just gotten worse.
i can relate so well to the pissed off b*tch thing, and i am tired of being her. so, i AM going to al-anon.
i need to get the AH, (bi-polar, drug abusing) out of my house and out of my life. it would be so much easier if i could just leave, but its my house, and he has come back twice before.
i am praying for strength and peace, and an end to the anger,resentment and entanglement.
peace....

QueenOfCyprus

WOW! This hit me square between the eyes - what a statement! I have been feeling very frustrated with my AH for his maudlin, mawkish displays of what a "reformed" guy he is - isn't he a saint and aren't I just the unloyal shrew who threw him out?? Why do I feel like I want to punch him when he gives that little sigh and announces to the room that he's going to his AA meeting" - such a sad little clown...

Frustrating because he can't see that just because he's been dry for 2 weeks doesn't mean that he's sober, that even though he may not have had a drink his behavior hasn't changed, that he's still manipulative and full of crap and will always be the victim and everybody else will be responsible for his life.

sam79

lovtolaff and tryingtofly...............im exactly the same as you both.

On friday during a 'treat' day out and lunch from my b/f to say thanks for all my help, the drinks started flowing as we eventually ended up moving from pub to pub trying to find somewere that was serving food.

When i started to say 'i dont want to just keep sitting in pubs and drinking' i was told to cheer up and stop being miserable. Then as he started to get more drunk he kept telling me he was trying to have fun and i was ruining it cos i was being quiet!

Then as it get gradually wosre he ends up being nasty and shouting at me, of course i end up crying in the street on our way for a taxi home and he just says 'oh the tears have started now your not getting your own way' and asking me why i humiliate him just because he wants to drink and have 'fun' instead of saying sorry and comfoting me like any 'normal' b/f would do.

He just never reacts kindly to me getting upset.

So yeah i very much know how it feels.
sam.x

Barbara52

So, sam79, just how long are you going to accept being abused? Of not being respected and valued? Why is this acceptable behavior?

cagefree

Wow - I couldn't have said it any better!

I became most irritated in myself when I realized that I stayed and kept myself in a hurtful environment when I could have walked away. Like Miss Pink says - I made a choice when it became "that bad" and was extremely irritated with MYSELF that I let it get "that bad" and let myself get that hurt.

I had to forgive myself just as much as XABF.