Notoshure

I have been on here for Quite a few months now, feeling pretty fortunate that my A has been doing so "well" .then he hits me with" so what do you think" we have been getting along pretty good lately right ? of course, I say yes, its been so nice since you haven't been using. so he says ,that's what I want to talk about, I'm thinking oh God here we go . worst than I could Imagine. he says I never actually stopped I just got it under control, but I 'm tired of sneaking,and seeing how we have been getting along so well, I shouldn't have too now that I have proved I can handle it. I was speechless, and truthfully I still am.Please can somebody help me. what do I say to that? we have been getting along just fine. I just think if he has cart blanc he going to go overboard, he can't help it he an al/ad. I can't believe I didn't notice, I feel so stupid.what can I say without starting a full blown argument ??????????

pepperpod

...that certainly you are not an idiot..you are a caring wife. That said, I really think you would benefit by seeing a counselor, even by yourself. It is just not that easy...they either sneak, live a double life, or ruin other lives with their addictions.

LaTeeDa

First of all, you're not stupid and not an idiot. I came to understand that it was not the substance my husband was ingesting that troubled me, it was his behavior. So, yours has been keeping his behavior in check and you have been getting along. What's stupid about that?

Usually, however, they cannot stay on "best behavior" for long if they are using. So, why do you have to say anything. Might it not be better to let him make his choices and let the chips fall where they may? In the meantime, becoming clear on your boundaries of what you will and will not accept--behavior-wise?

L

denny57

I don't think it's possible to know what will start an argument. The therapist I see has been very helpful in her suggestions of things I can say in particular circumstances.

One option might be to say "I'm concerned your using will harm our relationship" or something along those lines. What else is there to say? I think an important thing I'd have to decide is whether I could truly then let it go, or would I live in anxiety. In my case, my life became anxiety filled and I just couldn't do it any longer.

((()))

Cynay

Sorry to hear that your in that position, but I do agree your not stupid for not noticing...

I guess my question would be what did you say to him already? Did you set a boundry with him before. The next question would be ... what do you want to happen?

chrisea

Usually, however, they cannot stay on "best behavior" for long if they are using. amen to that.

Like Dr Phil says - Life is not a sprint but a marathon. Can he keep this... well part of his statement would send a red flag to me (at least now, before - I may have listened to it to)

but I 'm tired of sneaking,and seeing how we have been getting along so well, I shouldn't have too now that I have proved I can handle it. Sounds like he back sliding, along with the non sneaking, it could be just the road back to where he was, jmo

BayouSelf

The one thing I would have trouble with is the dishonesty and sneaking, because I feel if you're going to be dishonest in that area of your life, then you might be dishonest about other things, and that is something I personally decided I couldn't live with, but everyone is different. I agree with everyone here....of course he's been on his best behavior while he has been using behind your back....he's on a mission to prove a point to you that he can use and still have a good relationship. I'm not saying that its impossible, but like everyone else, I would be worried because its a progressive disease and rarely do things get better while the addict or alcoholic is using, usually goes in the other direction. But the good thing that Alanon taught me was that I didn't need to make any life changing decisions today.....all I needed to do was set some boundaries and if things got to the point to where I felt I couldn't live with it anymore, than I could make a Plan B......Today, I am very fond of Plan B!!!! It saved my life!

Good luck to you....I really hope you are in an Alanon program and working with a sponsor, as it will help you either be able to better live in this situation or help you decide what Plan B is going to be.

ARealLady

The one thing I would have trouble with is the dishonesty

That was what finally woke me up to how unhealthy the relationship with XABF was and I broke contact with him. He claimed to have been absent because he was in rehabilitation. The truth was that he was locked up in jail for a DUI.

IMO, there is no relationship if each partner isn't being completely honest with the other.

ARL

nowinsituation

I felt stupid too, my husband continued to drink behind my back after tearfully promising me that he would "get it under control". I felt stupid when he lied straight to my face that he hadn't continued drinking in secret every day, when I knew for a fact that he had. But, I felt even more stupid because he had been drinking like that for several years, and I never even noticed. His behavior never really changed that much when he was drinking; but his personality had slowly just been sucked out of him -- and now I know why.

Don't feel stupid -- we trust those that we love. We believe what they say, we shouldn't have to follow them around and spy on them. That's what my relationship turned into, and I couldn't live like that.

FormerDoormat

I would say I'm done. And mean it.

chrisea

my xabf told me that he was in a traffic wreck, but failed to mention that he was immediately processed for a dui. that was the 2nd dui, by his 3rd - he was out of here

I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.

CBrown

Once trust has been violated, it is extremely hard to gain back. I guess my first thought is "if he hides that, what else is he hiding?" I know we all have our private areas, but if he told you he was not using, or would not use, and he is, he's a pretty cool customer to be able to lie like that to your face every day. It's almost like a little kid throwing his defiance in his face. WOW again! (((hugs)))

Almost forgot ... you are NOT AN IDIOT. Don't even think such a thing. You're just with a person very adept at hiding the truth and that is on HIM, not YOU. I went through that too. The revelations are bombshells. You wonder "why didn't I SEE that?" or "why did I ignore that?!" Sheesh, we shouldn't have to be on our guard 100% of the time. Ever hear of a thing called TRUST?

ARealLady

"if he hides that, what else is he hiding?"

Bingo!

ARL

QueenOfCyprus

Oh, I wanted to jump through the computer and hug you after reading this post - just coming out of this stage and the feeling of being a total idiot and a monumental stooge is sometimes overwhelming!
The funny thing is that when you read about this happening to other people, you think "they're not stupid, that's how it goes with alcoholics", yet we don't often give ourselves that same allowance. The need to be kind to oneself is a large part of letting go of the whole mess.
The dynamic seems to become that with each discovery of a promise unkept, the alcoholic just gets more clever about hiding their drinking, all the while we get more desperate to believe them.
I agree with the other posters - it is a matter of trust that is so huge it is almost insurmountable. Now that I have become fully aware of my AH's latest fall off the wagon, I am amazed at how he lies about everything - stuff he doesn't even need to lie about. That's the crux of it - they lie and lie and lie to their spouses, their kids, their friends and their coworkers - but mostly to THEMSELVES. Sure, they can handle it, they can have a drink once in awhile, no problem.....
Most importantly, make sure you don't feel all sorts of guilt or confusion because he is making this hollow gesture about "coming clean and being honest" about his sneaking - A's are sooooooooo manipulative and this just sounds like another tactic to get you to tow the line.
Your post is also informative because many of the posts here about life with alcoholics talk about overt, abusive and violent behaviors - but there's a whole 'nuther side of this crap and that are the alcoholics that spend every waking moment either drinking or hiding their drinking. No room left for family, friends, kids... we're all just a side show to let the A pretend he's doesn't have a problem since he still has a wife and kids.
Hang in there, keep talking and remember to be kind to yourself! We're here!

Notoshure

I just got a chance to read your reply's thank you all I just don't have a clue I got go I'll be back. thankyou all truly