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Old 12-26-2007, 11:05 PM
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My First Post

Well.... I didn't have a very good x-mas eve because mom decided to get drunk while making the dessert. So she fliped on my dad (they were devorced (SP) when I was 3) and she accused him of molesting me (which he would NEVER do ) so she started to get into my bf's face and pushed him so we left to his place. I felt HORRIBLE because she had cooked all day for dinner and we wasted all that food and for some STUPID reason I felt bad making her wake up alone on x-mas. I am back home now and came home late x-mas evening to a still drunk mom. She is still drunk today and is done yelling and putting me down for the day as far as I know. I don't take anything she says to heart I'm past that now but it's just so annoying and frustrating. I get calls for training horses and she picks up and just freaks people out. When I ask when she will get sober she freaks so I just leave her alone.... thnx for reading.... I was thinking of attending a meeting in my area but that just wouldn't end well.
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Old 12-27-2007, 12:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Dartanion View Post
I was thinking of attending a meeting in my area but that just wouldn't end well.
Are you referring to an Al-Anon meeting? If so, why do you think that attending such a meeting wouldn't end well? There are good meetings and not-so-good meetings, but I've always been able to find a few in my area that meet my needs.

With that out of the way, I want to welcome you and tell you I'm glad you found us. I know how difficult it is during the holidays. I cooked a Christmas dinner as well as a Christmas Eve meal and my AH ("alcoholic husband") didn't touch any of the food. No matter. I enjoyed the food anyway.

What do you think it is about your mother's actions that she chose; namely, to get drunk that is making you feel bad? You didn't make her drink. That was her own personal choice as was her false accusation that your father molested you.

Here's my suggestion to you: please read the stickies at the top of our board. There is a lot to read, but it's worth it. Those of us who have to live with, or come in regular contact with, an addict often carry a lot of what I call "codie guilt." ("Codie" = codependent) You did nothing wrong. Your mother is suffering from the disease of alcoholism, and the fallout if affecting you, as it does all of us exposed to it.

You were wise to leave the house when she started getting out of control. As far as asking her when she'll get sober, if she plans to get sober, would she like to get sober, etc., - I can tell you from my own personal experience that A's ("alcoholics") do NOT want to discuss the addiction they are working so hard to protect. As you've noticed, they tend to go off and get VERY defensive about their drinking. It's better to leave it alone.

I sincerely hope we can give you support here. Please keep posting.
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Old 12-27-2007, 03:55 AM
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Welcome to SR Dartanion.

Sorry your holidays didn't turn out as good as you would have liked.

I know that I sometimes too felt some guilt when I had to do things to take care of me with respect to the alcoholic that was once in my life. I think it's normal to feel that to one degree or another in the beginning. I still feel a little guilt when I choose to take care of myself because I don't like to hurt anyone. But even though I still feel a little guilt, I don't let that stop me from doing what is best for me. Because in most situations, that's all I can do....take care of me.

Prodigal has offered excellent suggestions. I hope you decide to give Alanon a try and read through the other posts here and the stickies at the top. Please keep coming back!
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:30 AM
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Welcome Dartanion. I hope you stay around and keep posting.

Your story reminds me so much of my childhood. I grew up hating holidays in general because for me it always meant drunk parents and fighting. My brothers and I would just withdraw and try to hide upstairs. Unless the violence got bad and we had to protect Mom.

Removing yourself from the situation is often the best thing to do. I also agree witht the others that attending AlAnon could be a great thing for you. I wish I known about AlAnon when I was younger.
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:07 AM
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Welcome,

I know what your going through. I have been there. I know the pain.

I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics.

Just want you to know that there is hope for *you*.

I know the pain of watching a parent "self-destruct" after working so hard on a task.

The hardest thing for me to accept was: 1. she probably won't remember any/or maybe only parts of her destruction during the holiday, whereas, I will remember everything clearly. They get drunk and remain blissfully unaware of the degree of their destruction and we *stress* over it.
2. none of my feelings, anger, sorrow, pity, embarassment, wanting to help-----none of this will help her. It will not motivate her to get sober or straighten up. She has to want to change. My understanding is: try your best not to "enable" and fight the urge to "protect".

Even though the above is difficult to believe and accept, you are free once you do. Your priorities become clear.

I have witnessed people in my al-anon group who "work the program" to such a degree that they can experience peace and joy, were able to detach and take care of themselves and still live with the alcoholic. I wasn't able to do that. But, I realize, in some cases, that it is *possible*.

I realized I had to leave in order to work the program. I didn't abandon mom or dad by leaving to take care of myself. To each his own and live and let live.

You can help you... if you don't get caught up in the quicksand and being paralyzed by their addictions and behaviors and the sadness of it all, which is what would have happened to me if I stayed.

I read on this forum once, that, we can let ourselves out of our own prison, but we never realize that we already have the key!

Take care and "keep coming back, it works if you work it",

Growing
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:30 AM
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Just wanted to extend a warm welcome and a ((Hug)) to you.

So sorry your holidays did not turn out as you planned.

Al-anon meetings might be a good idea for you......don't just try one......there are good meetings and like Prodigal said so-so meetings. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting!:praying
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:51 AM
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Welcome to SR I hope you keep posting with us.

Blessings for the new year
Lily xxxxxxxx
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Old 12-27-2007, 11:31 AM
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Just wanted to add my welcome to the others .... Im sorry your dealing with what you are but very thankful that you found SR....

I look forward to getting to know you better.
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Old 12-27-2007, 11:39 AM
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I have an alcoholic mother too and I am a recovering alcoholic. I understand the pain you feel. Welcome to SR.

From experience, you could try waiting until she is hungover and go to see her. Don't say much but ask her if she wants help. Say to her "Mum - why don't you get some help?". Say it with love and then leave.

I have heard a few recovered alchies who came into AA after hearing those words.

Please don't have any expectations though. And please remember that NONE of this is your fault. You don't have to do a thing - except to take care of yourself and learn to love yourself. I think a meeting sounds like a great idea btw.
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Old 12-27-2007, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Pilgrim View Post
Say to her "Mum - why don't you get some help?". Say it with love and then leave.
Wiser words have never been spoken.
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:06 PM
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First off THANK YOU so much everyone I have never felt so welcomed . I think that attending a meeting might not be a good idea because if my mom did find out she would freak out. She would never hit me I don't even know what she would do but I think it could be that I just don't want to deal with her anymore. I asked her to get help when I was 15 (sober at the time I asked) and all she said was "Sorry, not worth it" and walked off to buy alcohol. Then one night I my dad called the cops on her because she had hit him and made him bleed but refused to hit her. So they took her away and she was gone for 3 days at a "rehab" clinic but left early. I was 13 then, she's gone through cancer but I HIGHLY doubt drinking is helping her. She' drinks to forget about stress or if she is in pain from "ex" cancer.
*big sigh* she's still drunk right now but passed out in bed, I've done all the dishes, trash, cleaned my stalls, and went to work for 3 hours then went shopping for her.
I don't want to make her sound so bad because when she is sober she is SUCH a cool person and I wont lie she spoiles me rotten, She bought me 2!!! horses, saddled, tack, clothes, college fees, boots, pays for some shows. Got me a trailer and car she's just awesome but I HATE it when she does this. She has two boxes of cherry in her office I dumped out 1/2 of one box and i'm waiting for her to open the second one and I'lll dump that too. She'll just go buy more but MAYBE it will do something. Thank you so much everyone for listening and reading all of this My moms friends are coming down on the 30th b/c one of them when through Al-Anon and he has been sober for 30years (Go Him HUH?!?!) but.... I'm worried she will freak out and kick them out or start yelling and screaming at me again and I just don't want to deal with it I am tired of dealing with it. I started Cutting when I was 10 because she would tell me horrible things and I would believe her. I'm not saying I blame her but she didn't help. She found out when I was 15 and thought I was doing it for attenchion and said not to leave a mess if I "Off myself" But I haven't cut in about over a year now I only needed stitches once and then when I moved I got better and mom just kept drinking..... thank you again so much everyone!! just writing here helps so much. Sorry about the books I write lol.
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:44 PM
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hello,
i have been one of the invisible readers on this forum for many months, in recovery for some years. one thing i deeply appreciate about this website is the sharing of real lives and real stories. i am strengthened as i read about what life is really like for those affected by addiction.

dartanion, i am so sorry for the trauma in your home. i hope you will reach out for help beyond this forum, and you may need to reach out for help further than the 12-step groups. sometimes beneath the addiction is a severe mental illness or personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder or others, and sobriety does not cure that. i love the recovery programs but sometimes there is an assumption that addiction alone is the primary cause of extreme behavior, when in fact it could be just one of the symptoms of someone's mental illness. no one here or at a meeting could help you unravel that potential possibility, but a professional counselor could. when i read on these boards something along the lines of "she's been sober 10 years and she still acts CRAZY", i have to wonder if it is because the individual in question actually is.

the more information we have, the better we heal. this forum will help you find your feet and you will be inspired to have standards for your relationships with all the people in your life, standards based on integrity and trust. when you have that grounding, you are well on your way. but information about the root illness is invaluable. i hope you will keep reading and searching. truth really does set us free.

much love to you....prayers for your family,

bluejay6

Last edited by bluejay6; 12-27-2007 at 05:46 PM. Reason: mis-type
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:47 PM
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Welcome Bluejay6
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Old 12-27-2007, 11:19 PM
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I would rach out but... I have no excuse other than maybe I'm just trying to come up with one? This might sound stupid but I'm planning on moving out when I go to UC Davis once I'm done with my General Ed at this college and I wont have to live with this anymore. Shotty thing is I will be 21... I'm thinking since I've dealt with this since I was 13 what 3 more years? maybe even 2 1/2 now that 08 is coming. I want to help mom because I don't want her to hurt herself like this but it seems almost pointless...... I try to give her water and electrolites to drink when she's awak and I try to give her food to eat and ensure things like that but those wont really cure the alcohol in her system.....
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:53 PM
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planning for a better future and a better life for yourself is a good thing. good for you, dartanion....it takes courage to break away. i wish you healing of your heart and trustworthy friends. there is always help whenever you need it...college counseling office, 12 step groups, here. there is a plan and a purpose for your life....you are here to blossom, to give and receive love, to find your true path.

a new year is around the corner, so... time for hopes and wishes and...reminding myself, too... action! all the very best to you as you heal and move forward.
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Old 12-28-2007, 04:20 PM
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Thought I'd add my "welcome" too!
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:50 PM
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I am very concerned about your cutting.

Do what you need to do to get away from this. Do what you need to do to get a counselor.

I know you love your mom...I love your mom..she is like my mom....listen....don't trade your life for hers...Don't give yourself away to take away yesterdays pain for your mom.
Don't spend your life on a raw deal. Don't give your life and happiness away to spare your mom a minutess pain...it doesn't help her. Has it helped her? Have you helped her? Or is the truth that your best efforts are band-aids? Tommorow she will drink no matter what you say or do.

I know, I was there. I am an adult now and on my own. You deserve a life of peace like I have now. Throw yourself a rope! Don't drown because she is sinking...Please help yourself...you have your whole life to live..there is a future for you...but your survivors guilt will kill you if you let it. Don't get caught in the quicksand of pity and sympathy/empathy for your mom. She will take you down even if she doesn't mean to...

Don't feel guilty about the horses, tack, trailor ect....Alcoholics do/give outrageous things to assuage all the guilt they have...I know she is great when she is sober....Many alcoholics are..but she will always drink again...

I don't know what else to say...I am very concerned about the cutting.
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Old 12-28-2007, 07:05 PM
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Oh I don't cut anymore? sorry I thought I had posted that. It's been a little over a year since I last cut . Thank you again everyone .
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Old 12-29-2007, 08:25 AM
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I realize you don't cut anymore....I am still concerned..See, I try to work the acoa program in my life and I realize that *the past affects me today*..

I fully realize that you are capable of taking care of yourself...I trust you will take all appropriate measures..

I care alot about fellow acoas..but hey..thats who I am and I accept who I am today..unlike in the past when I *beat myself up*, or told myself "don't get involved"
"don't say that" "try not to care so much..ect.".

When I was new to the program, I got alot out of the advice given by those individuals who were willing to "go out on a limb" and tell me what they really thought..

Just my 2 cents....Take what you like and leave the rest...

Love to my al-anon family,

Growing
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:56 PM
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Hiya young Dart

You have done so well coming here and asking for advice and help.

In alcoholic families, we all have our roles. Mine is scapegoat, my sister is the hero and Dad is the enabler. Here is some information about that.

dysfunctional families
Alcoholic Family Roles Alcohol Self-Help News

What is undeniable is the pain we feel. Some of that for me comes from the lack of honesty that goes with the whole system. It drove me into doing self destructive things. It takes a while to have the strength to pull out of our roles. We learnt them from a very young age. They are all we know and it's scary to do something different.

I think from my experience, the first step was understanding. Asking for help is great and then things will start to change if you get yourself to a meeting.

Good luck and Happy New Year.
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