alanon slip
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
alanon slip
Rough day.
I was expecting something today from the government. A piece of id that I will need at the end of July and had sent off for a while ago. Well, instead of getting the necessary piece of id, what came was a nice letter saying it would take up to 2 or 3 more months of 'processing' time for them to send this.
And I was triggered.
Frustration.......flashback to that old feeling of being betrayed yet again by someone who 'I should have been able to count on'. The father, mother, husband, boyfriend........all the times I was left waiting for nothing.....to end up empty and having to carry the bag for everyone else and still be strong. Back to the times when I felt SO angry and So hurt and SO much like 'everyone ELSE' gets a good hubby........WHY ME?!
Insanity. And it hit hard.
Although to be truthful, this past weekend has been a revisit into that world and I am concerned. My neighbours treated my kids and me to pizza the other night and that was really nice. Then asked me to watch their kids for a few minutes for him to get donuts.....he comes back 2, 3 hours later...its now 11 o clock and everyone is tired and I am over-taxed. And so last night when they asked me to sit for an hour......of course I say yes again...knowing I have work today and have to be up early. And true to form they show up at 10:30 and I have still kids now to put to bed and get stuff ready for my day today. I'd baked b/c money is tight right now and needed to have snacks for kids school this week.....and of course I couldn't not share so there went some of the treats.....looked today and now there is only a few left.
Got home today to that piece of news and tried to put it on the back burner. I forgot to pray. Was just upset. Got dinner going for everyone....tried a new thing to do with chicken. Turned out okay, but was a lot of work. Kids didn't even taste it.....and complained......oldest son barely moved eyes from the tv. And I blew. Yelling. I hate yelling. And there I was yelling at them because they wouldn' eat their dinner.....lost complete perspective....didn't swear or stuff....but still.....am disappointed with myself because as a family we are working on tempers and stuff....and there I am losing it b/c they refused to eat.
Turned out later not so bad. A good cry and holding the little one and just thinking.
Those feelings that I lived with for so so long....are sometimes SO close to the surface....have some apologizing to do tomorrow. I did send the kids to bed with a hug and stuff.....but that doesn't erase the yelling.
You would think it would be easy the 'after' part when he's left. But I am finding it isn't at all. I still get those feelings.....don't handle disappointment well. I still get put back and its MY behaviour that I am concerned about.....MY head space...and what it is that I am passing on to those kids.
I wish I was just whole, you know? LIke I could just snap my fingers and be all okay again. The trusting thing is so slow. The rebuilding is long and tedius.
Today I felt like I slipped.
I was expecting something today from the government. A piece of id that I will need at the end of July and had sent off for a while ago. Well, instead of getting the necessary piece of id, what came was a nice letter saying it would take up to 2 or 3 more months of 'processing' time for them to send this.
And I was triggered.
Frustration.......flashback to that old feeling of being betrayed yet again by someone who 'I should have been able to count on'. The father, mother, husband, boyfriend........all the times I was left waiting for nothing.....to end up empty and having to carry the bag for everyone else and still be strong. Back to the times when I felt SO angry and So hurt and SO much like 'everyone ELSE' gets a good hubby........WHY ME?!
Insanity. And it hit hard.
Although to be truthful, this past weekend has been a revisit into that world and I am concerned. My neighbours treated my kids and me to pizza the other night and that was really nice. Then asked me to watch their kids for a few minutes for him to get donuts.....he comes back 2, 3 hours later...its now 11 o clock and everyone is tired and I am over-taxed. And so last night when they asked me to sit for an hour......of course I say yes again...knowing I have work today and have to be up early. And true to form they show up at 10:30 and I have still kids now to put to bed and get stuff ready for my day today. I'd baked b/c money is tight right now and needed to have snacks for kids school this week.....and of course I couldn't not share so there went some of the treats.....looked today and now there is only a few left.
Got home today to that piece of news and tried to put it on the back burner. I forgot to pray. Was just upset. Got dinner going for everyone....tried a new thing to do with chicken. Turned out okay, but was a lot of work. Kids didn't even taste it.....and complained......oldest son barely moved eyes from the tv. And I blew. Yelling. I hate yelling. And there I was yelling at them because they wouldn' eat their dinner.....lost complete perspective....didn't swear or stuff....but still.....am disappointed with myself because as a family we are working on tempers and stuff....and there I am losing it b/c they refused to eat.
Turned out later not so bad. A good cry and holding the little one and just thinking.
Those feelings that I lived with for so so long....are sometimes SO close to the surface....have some apologizing to do tomorrow. I did send the kids to bed with a hug and stuff.....but that doesn't erase the yelling.
You would think it would be easy the 'after' part when he's left. But I am finding it isn't at all. I still get those feelings.....don't handle disappointment well. I still get put back and its MY behaviour that I am concerned about.....MY head space...and what it is that I am passing on to those kids.
I wish I was just whole, you know? LIke I could just snap my fingers and be all okay again. The trusting thing is so slow. The rebuilding is long and tedius.
Today I felt like I slipped.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Oh taira,
You have a way with words girl... you had me crying at the second paragraph; I've been there too.
First of all... its OK to slip, we ALL do; don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes I tell myself that its God's way of getting our attention... we need to keep working on ourselves; there is NO diploma we receive, because the learning never ends.
So, in the morning, take a deep breath and begin a new day. Try to imagine what it is God is trying to tell you. Perhaps you need to practice patience... let life come to you, instead of you pulling it towards you at breakneck speed; we all get what we need, WHEN we need it.
Remember that you have a lot on your plate right now; it's OK to feel overwhelmed
. What isn't OK, is to comprimise yourself by allowing others to "use" you... next time the neighbors ask, just tell them you are busy - they'll survive, and they won't hate you.
And it probably seems like a tornado just rolled thru your house... and there you are in the "eye" of the storm, kicking and screaming at everything in your way. We get frustrated, we get tired of feeling like we are at the end of our rope... the outbursts DO happen. You sound like such a sweet and gentle mother; that is what your children know of you. Do your best to explain why mommy was upset, and apologize... They love you with all their heart - they'll take you back in a heartbeat.
Anyhow, thinking of you
Meg
You have a way with words girl... you had me crying at the second paragraph; I've been there too.
First of all... its OK to slip, we ALL do; don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes I tell myself that its God's way of getting our attention... we need to keep working on ourselves; there is NO diploma we receive, because the learning never ends.
So, in the morning, take a deep breath and begin a new day. Try to imagine what it is God is trying to tell you. Perhaps you need to practice patience... let life come to you, instead of you pulling it towards you at breakneck speed; we all get what we need, WHEN we need it.
Remember that you have a lot on your plate right now; it's OK to feel overwhelmed
. What isn't OK, is to comprimise yourself by allowing others to "use" you... next time the neighbors ask, just tell them you are busy - they'll survive, and they won't hate you.And it probably seems like a tornado just rolled thru your house... and there you are in the "eye" of the storm, kicking and screaming at everything in your way. We get frustrated, we get tired of feeling like we are at the end of our rope... the outbursts DO happen. You sound like such a sweet and gentle mother; that is what your children know of you. Do your best to explain why mommy was upset, and apologize... They love you with all their heart - they'll take you back in a heartbeat.
Anyhow, thinking of you
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I forgot to pray
Slip? I think you just lost your balance there for a while. Hope you feel better today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((((((Taira)))))))
I have to agree with Meg and Ann. I'm sure God has a bigger plan than we can see at this moment for the stuff going on in your life. Give it to Him--he knows what to do with it!
It's normal to feel frustrated, and sometimes we don't handle things in the way we know is the best. You are doing a good job working your program, and everyone's entitled to an "off" day!
Perhaps you need to take a little time for yourself--take a bubble bath, burn some candles, play some soft music--read something uplifting--whatever works for you! Regroup! Today's a new day!
Take care--you're doing fine........
Lyn
It's normal to feel frustrated, and sometimes we don't handle things in the way we know is the best. You are doing a good job working your program, and everyone's entitled to an "off" day!
Perhaps you need to take a little time for yourself--take a bubble bath, burn some candles, play some soft music--read something uplifting--whatever works for you! Regroup! Today's a new day!
Take care--you're doing fine........
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Taira,
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I agree, we all have those times.
I find myself in very similar situations, now that AH is not living here.
Please take time for yourself and know that it's ok to say no to others.
Take care and I hope you have a beautiful day,
Sarah
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I agree, we all have those times.
I find myself in very similar situations, now that AH is not living here.
Please take time for yourself and know that it's ok to say no to others.
Take care and I hope you have a beautiful day,
Sarah
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
HI Taira
along with the others, your just being hard on yourself, taking on too much and being tiered is one of my triggers.
also, being lost ! when i couldnt find my way in the city the other night, i was loosing it, and realized once again I need my program all the time. I had even prayed about being lost but the fears were right back up front where they used to be.Fear can have a real hold over me.
It also took me many years to be able to say no when i dont want to do something. it used to be hard but now i can do it without a guilt trip. these neighbors are taking advantage of your good nature.
Our family's have seen us at our worse as we have seen their's and it doesnt deminish love. We can just keep growing through our imperfections.
HUgs
liddy
along with the others, your just being hard on yourself, taking on too much and being tiered is one of my triggers.
also, being lost ! when i couldnt find my way in the city the other night, i was loosing it, and realized once again I need my program all the time. I had even prayed about being lost but the fears were right back up front where they used to be.Fear can have a real hold over me.
It also took me many years to be able to say no when i dont want to do something. it used to be hard but now i can do it without a guilt trip. these neighbors are taking advantage of your good nature.
Our family's have seen us at our worse as we have seen their's and it doesnt deminish love. We can just keep growing through our imperfections.
HUgs
liddy
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Taira,
Here's a hug from me too. I have had to spend a lot of time learning how to set and maintain boundaries. What works for me is to say, "I cant do THAT for you, but here is what I CAN do." I still overextend myself to make other people happy and comfortable, but I am learning to take care of me a bit more too.
Its also good to know that we all slip... but we get to start our day over whenever we want to!!
Keep us posted on how you're doing
HUGS
O59
Here's a hug from me too. I have had to spend a lot of time learning how to set and maintain boundaries. What works for me is to say, "I cant do THAT for you, but here is what I CAN do." I still overextend myself to make other people happy and comfortable, but I am learning to take care of me a bit more too.
Its also good to know that we all slip... but we get to start our day over whenever we want to!!
Keep us posted on how you're doing
HUGS
O59
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