spongebob

Sarah,
Maybe you are right. Maybe it is better for everybody if we seperate untill I see a significant and long lasting change. zthe suspicion and distrust is so unhealthy for us all. It's all so much to take in and think about

myles1

Hi,
If you don't mind why does your husband have a psychiatrist?

I hope you'll be able to find the strength to press charges.

Ngaire

Sarah2003

Spongebob.....

I can only speak from my experiences. Throughout our entire relationship, I learned all I could about his illness. I read everything I could get my hands on, went to Al-Anon, therapists, blah, blah, blah. I think I understood alcoholism. I stood by him and supported him through every cycle of sobriety, drinking binge, resulting crisis or incident resulting from drinking binge, his remorse and tears and pain, promises to get healthy, recover and "never do THAT again"......and back to a period of sobriety without true recovery.

I believe that our story is classic. I was young when we met and married him at 21....he's a bit older than me. He was well-educated, fun, charasmatic, attractive, athletic and had built a successful career. I was still in college and trying to "find my way." I put him on a pedastal....after all....HE picked ME.

The only time I had ever felt I had any power was when he messed up. This is messed up, I know, but I believe that I secretly liked it when his drinking caused chaos and pain, because he was then knocked off his pedastal, I had the power. The exciting part for me in all this, is that I could be my true self whenever this occured. This cycle went on for years. Hmmmmm.....

I always held everything together for everyone.....the kids, him, me.

For me, all of alcohol-related behaviors, incidents and crisis that I have stuffed deep down inside finally accumulated, hit me like a ton of bricks and forced me into fight or flight mode. I chose flight.

The most recent incidents that occured just prior to our separation was NOT the most devastating to me or us. This was just the one that pushed me to the edge. I have learned that I have built a tolerance for inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. And I realized that I deserve to be loved, NOT controlled, manipulated, verbally abused, intimidated etc.

I'm working very hard, spongebob. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I am seeing positive results in ME. I feel more confident and I know that I can make it on my own.

Will we ever get back together? Only God knows, and time will tell. I hope so, but it has to be a whole new beginning. I've been given such great support and words of wisdom from the people on the forum. One of the greatest has been..."give yourself the gift of time."

I apologize for writing my whole life story. I guess I just got started and my fingers wouldn't stop!

Take care and do what you need to do for YOU. Give yourself time and space if you need it.

Sarah

EmotionalMeg

2many and Sarah,
Just wanted to offer my words of encouragement too.

2many...
The best thing you did was get him out of the house. Please don't give up this peace and seperation TOO early; enough time needs to pass for him to realize the consequences to his actions. Most importantly, YOU need to heal... and begin again on your own life and recovery. My thoughts are with you and your children today.


Sarah...
It is so wonderful how positive you are today . Our situations are quite similar, as my husband and I married young as well, and I felt "privledged" that he wanted ME as well . But this before I even knew who/what I was. I was the shy, quiet, self-conscious girl growing up... and he was the popular, outgoing, party-guy. I also came from a broken home, so in a way he was "rescueing" me.
Now... things are soooo different.
I am still quiet - it is my nature . BUT, I never comprimise myself. I will not be manipulated, controlled, talked down to by anyone. I have made a few boundaries that keep for me my peace and sanity. I have also began to discover who I am... I have dreams and desires, and I BELIEVE I deserve them all .My husband is in recovery, and so far he is maintaining his sobriety and working his program - there is a lot more peace in our house lately. Because of all that has happened since we met, my husband and I have had to get to know each other all over again - thankfully, the attraction, the love and the friendship still exists .

Hugs to BOTH of you
Take care
Meg

Sarah2003

Thanks for the feedback, Meg. I appreciate it. This is definitely a rollercoaster.

I am feeling good right now, but I think it's because I've been able to spend the last 10 days in peace.....he's in Italy on business and will be back in town in a couple of days.

I want what you and your husband have been able to maintain....the attraction, the love and the friendship. I've built a wall around me now out of fear of being hurt again.

Thanks again,

Sarah

JT

Sarah,

I liked what you said about building a tolerance.

We not only build a tolerance allowing ouselves to be abused but we also begin to tolerate our own bad behavior. I think there was a time I felt like I could top them. Guess what...I lose. I could not top them because I was not high as a kite. I could not justify my own behavior anymore. Something was very very wrong in my home.

I came to believe that the only one I could change was me...and I was told that if I change, the status quo changes. I had no choice but to believe what I was told because what I was doing was not working. So I just trusted...after all the people who went before me said it was true and they seemed happy enough. Slowly I saw improvement and today I am still with the husband I was on the verge of leaving and my son no longer lives at home.

We HAVE to look in...looking out changes nothing and only keeps us angry and unhappy.

Hugs,
JT

maryl

2many,
I am sorry for your run in, I had a bad day with mine too. I must say He hasn't done that but with alcoholics anything is possible. You need to focus in yourself and your babies just as you are doing now. I know it is heart wrenching, I cried myself crazy yesterday and with a migrain, that's not pretty. Kids also bring a stress factor because no one wants kids to see you falling apart. They need stability, and isn't funny how they bring us stability too?!. Hang in there honey, I send my prayers and lots of hugs

maryl

2many2count

First off let me say that I really really really appreciate everyones replies. It means more to me than you will ever know. It helps me put things into perspective logically intead of emotionally.

myles,
My husband is Bi-polar and is drinking on medication which defeats the purpose of taking it to start with. He has been in this rapid cycling mode for about a week now. Its hard because he turns into a different person about every other week.


Thank you all for your prayers and concern. I love you all!

2many2count

Rainy

2many, last night I was just looking around this site, read your post and it really touched me too, like so many others. But I can really relate too---I too have 4 children, and an alcoholic, bi-polar husband. This is actually my 2nd marriage, and although he’s never been physically abusive, the circus ride that we’ve been on has really taken it’s toll on me and the kids. My current husband and I are separated. He has had an ongoing problem, hard for me to accept in many ways b/c he is a binge drinker rather than an every day drinker like my 1st H. He went to treatment last fall after he’d been gone on a binge and I wouldn’t let him come home. He came right home after treatment, went to two AA meetings and called it good. I “think” he stayed sober for about 3 months, maybe 4. Not sure, he’s a sneaky drunk. To make a long story short, we separated in February this year, after he was beginning to binge drink again. He ended up back in treatment the beginning of May and is now living in a recovery house for the next couple of months. I “think” he may have hit his bottom this last time, but I’m not concerning myself with that this time. Like someone else posted, this time I also hit MY bottom and it finally hit me full force that I have a problem too, and I need to work on me and MY recovery. There is no way I am considering him coming home to our house again unless I have no doubts about his honesty. At this point I don’t even think about that, I want to concentrate on me and the children. We deserve better, especially them.
When I read your post, I stopped and was almost in shock for a minute myself—how is that our lives become like this? I heard a counselor say one time that we become so wrapped up in their lives that we lose ourselves completely—who we are, we stop caring about ourselves, loving ourselves. That he said that to your daughter is absolutely unacceptable and he needs to be held accountable for that. Our children will suffer the most if we don’t start repairing them now. You sound so strong and smart, you can take care of 4 kids on your own and you can find a way. You will find that that your friends will offer support and help, and that even though it’s hard and sometimes seems impossible, the fact that the ‘sickness’ is out of the house is such a stress reliever that it almost feels like a vacation! I’ve been doing this all by myself now for months and each day I remind myself of how proud I am that I am doing it and how much better I am going to be and the kids are going to be.
I wish you the best and that you stay strong in your decision to have him out of the house, and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, as do your children, no matter what.
((hugs))
Rainy

2many2count

Rainy,
I can really relate with you. My husband also went into rehab last year came home and attended several AA meetings and then called it quits. He stayed sober about 2 months and snuck around to drink behind my back. I have hit MY BOTTON this time and come hell or high water I will make it through this. The children are starting to wonder why Dad isn't home. I tell them he is at work. The older kids know but the babies don't understand. When you mentioned friends, I was a little stumped because having a husband that is this way has turned away alot of my friends because he is so abnoxious sometimes. I don't have anyone that I can relate to here in my world. All of my friends live "perfect" lives and I guess they wonder why I have stayed and unless you've been there you really cam't offer someone advice. They just speculate on how they think they would handle it. My family is supportive of me. They always have been but this is something nobody really wants to talk about. Through the years I learned to be strong because I only had me to depend on. And of course the kids depend on me as well. My parents always made us find our own way and it made me a more independent person. Until I married an alcoholic then I became someone else. I lost me somewhere. I'm learning through reading posts and advice from you guys that I am important and that I can really make it through this. This place really keeps me going. Everyone justs tells you like it is and I really love that.


Thank you for sharing your story with me. It has shed some light.


Hugs,

2many2count

myles1

Yes having another mental illness to deal with other than alcoholism makes it impossible. But you know it's still no excuse for bad behaviour.

Ngaire

2many2count

Oh I totally agree with you and when he takes his medicine right and doesn't add alcohol he's a decent human being. He makes the choice to drink when he's not supposed to so its his stupidity and I'm sick of dealing with it!


2many2count

Rainy

2many,

I understand what you mean about your friends--it's not only our A's obnoxious behavior that alienates us from people, but also the fact that we don't want people to know what the problem is so we also tend to start shying away from others.

What I've discovered is that most people really don't care, but they sure enjoy the opportunity to judge and gossip--but I'm learning to not care about that. Your true friends, like mine, will support you and offer help without judging you or telling you what to do. I have found out through all of this who my true friends are and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. I'm not one to whine to others about my problems, but knowing that I could if I chose to is nice. I don't have any family around me where I live, but my mom calls me a few times a week to see how things are and offer her support as well.

Do you have any other support such as Alanon in your area that you can attend? I started going a few weeks ago, and along with forums like these and live meetings, I gain so much more strength just by knowing that I'm not alone and no matter what I've been through, others have recovered and gone on to lead healthy lives--makes me believe in myself that much more.

Wishing you peace and strength today and the days ahead...

((hugs))

2many2count

Thank you rainy,
I'm going to an alanon meeting tonight for the first time. I'm excited because I've already gained so much knowledge here.


Thanks again!
2many2count