denny57

As I've heard in the 12 steps over and over: the past is the past. LTD sums it up for me, too.

tryingtoheal

Thanks for all of the responses. You all make great points. I am still pretty new to this, so I am still grappling with certain things. I need to keep reminding myself that to forgive another is a gift for them from me, and they can choose to do whatever the heck they want with that gift. But ultimately, to forgive another is essential to my life and emotional wellness. I think I should tattoo a reminder on my head! I am still dealing with a lot of anger, so I certainly don't have the forgiveness thing down pat quite yet. But you're all correct...it is something I need to do, and my brother needs to do, to move on in our lives.

I guess where I was coming from is this: how is it possible to forgive someone for the immense hurt they caused you when, in essence, they just get sober and then confess sins to you and then just move on? I may be assuming too much about the other person, I realize. I know they have to deal with inner demons, shame and guilt, etc. In the case of my brother, he just wants a huge apology for the wrongs his xagf did to him. (What does he expect? What would be ‘huge’ enough?) She apologized with a shy "I'm sorry" after she confessed all the stuff over the phone, but that wasn't enough for him. He assumes that his xagf is presenting him with a 'gift' and all should be forgiven simply because she is sober and for once told the truth. But that’s how it’s SUPPOSED to be, so he can’t forgive her right now because just doing what you are supposed to do (not drink, not lie, etc.) and expecting forgiveness is a ludicrous concept to him.

But you make a great point, Lateeda...what would he have her do, or what would I have my xabf do, in order to make amends? As I sit here thinking about your question, I am chuckling to myself about all the things I could request that he could do to make amends.  But what the he*l would that solve? All the prior offenses happened in the past, so no one can take them back! It’s pointless, me pondering this crud! Thanks for helping me reach this obvious conclusion. I feel much better now, and I actually feel like an idiot for having such a naive 'retribution' need in my head that, before ya'll answered me, I was seriously pondering for several hours. I wasn’t thinking about what my xabf could do to make it up to me, per se; I was just wasting my energy by stewing over my anger at him.

I will ask my brother that question tonight. I hope he realizes how much of a waste it is to think like that, too.

Cheers to forgiving and letting go of the past-haunted thoughts! Thanks again!

Barbara52

There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I have forgiven my STBXAH for all the crap he put me thru. But I have not forgotten. And will not as long as I need to remember those things so that I can deal with my own issues. Forgiving is also something I did for my benefit, not his. Heck, he doesn't recognize most of what he has done not only to me but to his children. Forgiving him was necessary for me to begin moving past the anger and more into myself. I don't expect anything from him in terms of making amends or even asking for forgiveness.

Forgiving also doesn't mean the "offender" doesn't still ahve to bear the consequences for the behavior, whatever those behaviors were and where ever the consequences are. My STBXAH has not yet felt most of the negative consequences for his behaviors since he is still deep in denial and still living relatively comfortably in our house. That will change some when the house gets sold. Perhaps.

LaTeeDa

The biggest AHA for me regarding forgiveness was taking responsibility for my own stuff. Yeah, my husband did some really hurtful things. But, I stayed with him for nearly 20 years, so that was my part. If I had not made myself readily available to be hurt, he could not have hurt me. I needed to forgive myself for the things I allowed in my life.

Also, I do not believe forgiveness is a gift I give to somone else. It is a gift I give to myself in order to be free of the toxic poison known as resentment. In fact, there are a number of people I have forgiven who don't even know that I have.

L

hbb

This is my biggest struggle right now too. Everyone in here has helped me with this topic as well. They are a Godsend

I am having a hard time letting go of that i'm deserving of an appology and amends as well. My ex actually said this "all i can do is say sorry", ya that was heartfelt and great!! I have to come to grips with the fact that i probably will never get that. I started to let go of the anger and forgive him FOR ME, something he would NEVER know and then wham something pops up and sets me off again. I feel like i'm starting the process over and over again and can't get past the anger. My ex is soooooooooo far in denial and hopped into another relationship during ours with his ex (while sober mind you) that he hasn't had to probably face any of the consequences of his actions YET.

I guess what i'm trying to say is just knowing that YOU did the best you could and we recoginize our stuff than that's all we can really do. I know EXACTLY how frustrating it is because at the moment i'm drinking the poison expecting him to die and it's killing me slowly. I think that time and focussing on ourselves is the only thing that we can do for now