spongebob

My husband is insisting that he does not have a drinking problem, but that his other problems have been causing him to drink. He is seeking help, but not for the right thing. He hasn't drank for a few days, and he thinks that just because he was at a party today where people were drinking that he doesn't have a problem. But he has stopped driking many times before, and gone right back to it. His behaviors are so classic alcoholic, and his short temper does not seem any better when he's not drinking which leads me to believe he's having trouble. I am glad that he is in therapy, but I don't think he is facing his real problem. I think what he is doing is starting to allready set the stage that he can just have a beer every now and then, and I know then it will start all over again. He just was very uncomfortable when I told him that I was going to continue to go to Al-anon meetings, like why did I need to, and I made up the excuse that I think it will help me deal with my chronic pain problem better. I just don't have the strength to keep trying to get him to realize that he has to admit that alcohol is the underlying problem, but I know in my logical mind that I can't convince him what his problem is. It still really hurts to see so clearly what is happening and knowing that I just can't live with myself by falling for all of it again! This is just awful!
Maria

constant

Well I had a pretty good response going and hit the wrong button and lost it all.


I just wanted to remind you of the 1st three steps:

We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

He will only realize the problem when he is ready, not when YOU make him. Even though you have realized you cannot explain it to him......he will not until he is ready and trying to "force" him does not usually bring a positive response.

Keep working on you and things will get better!

Constant

spongebob

But how does a power greater then ourselves restore our sanity, and what if we believe that our will is our own, and not in Gods hands. It makes it seem like people have no control over their own lives and their own destiny. I am not a really religious person, and I don't have any real grasp of what my concept of god is. How do I let a higher power that I don't really understand take control of my life? Please do not take this as a rejection of your beliefs. I just don't know how to grasp these concepts and need help in understanding.
Maria

jessieandme2003

You are not alone, spongebob. You are perfectly describing my husband in your post. And many others here will be able to share their very similar experiences.

It is very hard to fully grasp the notion that we can do nothing to help them see that they have a problem, no matter how sure we are. Al Anon will help us to see that focusing on ourselves is the only true path we can take. We are powerless when it comes to their problem. They cannot begin recovery until they can reach their own step 1, it seems.

I can tell you that trying to force my A to see his problem has only had negative effects on our relationship. He has been in and out of rehab (once to help save his relationship with his parents, then once to save his relationship with me), went through a DUI this year, and has had most of his immediate family choose to stay away from him and keep their children away from him because of his drinking. Yet he still believes his family and I are all wrong and he doesn't have a problem. Denial is an incredibly powerful thing. Until he decides he does not want to live that way anymore and goes to rehab/recovery FOR HIMSELF, nothing any one else does is going to change things.

I am choosing to take the advice of the members of Al Anon and have begun focusing on my own recovery. I hope you are doing the same.

constant

Maria,

I don't take it as a rejection just lack of understanding. I was raised going to Church, but really didn't understand until recently. My spiritual awakening began shortly before I found al-anon and I have found that together they work VERY well together.

Prayer is the first step in getting to know God. He is always there and He holds our destiny in His hands. We have to choose to accept His guidance.......He will never force it and always desires for us to seek Him.

I won't turn this into a sermon, but that it a start.

constant

maryl

Maria, Thanks for your reply on my thread. I have read yours and I can relate. My husband has promises and never keeps them. He doesn't sneak around so he just out right disregards my feelings. To him he is doing nothing wrong. I have also had pain meds for a valid reason and he has also took mine when he is way drunk and obviously needs no other drug in his system.

I stongly urge you to read The Power Of Now by Eckart Toll. It is a fantastic book that gives the power to tap into your higher self. This book has helped me by giving me the power to realize that I am in charge of how I let things go. I can't change anyone but I can change the way I look at things or how I react. I have been able to disassociate myself from the hell and find some piece of mind in these words of wisdom from this book. It even touches on your question of your spirituality. Most of all it stresses that you can only do something about the now and the future. what is in the past is gone and you can do nothing about it. Like I tell my husband this is not a dress rehersal!

I hope that you take you up on the book. It is amazing the new world you can find if you search for it. I am new to this, 2 days to be exact but I already feel that I have got a rock here in this forum. my prayers go out to you.

maryl