good_luck

Ok, so. In general I am doing well. Moving on. Peaceful. Sleeping. Reading. Making plans for the future. Everything I should be doing for me. And actually, I am very ok with the whole breakup thing.

I have a bit of a problem with alcoholism. This is my first real experience with it. So I have been reading books, this board, and other things to remind me that this is a REAL THING. It's all been very helpful, and kept my perspective grounded in reality, not off in some "maybe potentially" lalala dreamworld.

HOWEVER. I read this: http://www.all-about-alcoholism.com/...lcoholism.html

And it has sent me a little bit around the twist. He's only 32. How can this be him? It is him, no exaggeration. I feel like a doofus for not doing something intervention wise. I feel like I should get a second job and offer to send him to a treatment center. One side of my brain thinks that this is deeply unhealthy, and obvious saving behavior. But heck. There is that whole intervention school of things that says maybe someone DOES need to be forced into help when they are in this stage.

How is he even going to hit bottom? He is a rock star. He isn't going to lose his job because he's drinking.

Sorry. Freaking out. Must. Do. Something. Help!

Barbara52

I'm not sure I'm understanding. You believe your ex is an end stage alcoholic? You are no longer with him? He is literally a rock star?

At any rate, why is it you must do something? Is he not an adult? Deserving of the right to make his own choices, even the bad ones? Have you somehow gained the ability to make him do something he does not want to do?

If he wants treatment, he will get it. If he would ask for help finding treatment it could be appropriate to give him the names/numbers of some facilities. Yes, interventions sometimes work. It didn't for my AH.

GiveLove

And his choices are your responsibility.....why?

Seriously, if you think it would serve your own life's goals and dreams to mortgage yourself to the hilt to send him to rehab, then there's nothing stopping you from doing it. Know that we did that for our late-stage sister -- four times. And four times she came out, spent a few sober days, then dove right back into alcoholism. If it's what you want to do, then do it -- but know WHY you're doing it, don't do it out of guilt, don't do it if you're expecting to be able to magically cure him, don't complain when it doesn't work.

An intervention doesn't cost anything but it's a one-time thing that, unless followed up by some professional care, isn't likely to work. Back to your second job to fund his rehab.

Sorry to sound so harsh but...if he wanted help, he would get it. You foisting rehab on him is a waste of time and money, in my humblest of opinions. He has to make the choice - not you.

If you're able to get a second job to help YOU fund YOUR dreams and wants and needs and goals, then do it. I would just hate to see you once again pouring yourself into the bottomless container that is an alcoholic.

Good luck, good_luck

GL

briliantdisguis

there really isn't anything YOU can do.

You can talk to him, but if there is a problem, he must handle it. You can support him through this but don't feel like you should turn your life around. That was my major problem...

CBrown

Some people's "bottom" saves them. Others' "bottom" is death. In my experience with my XABF, one-on-one interventions did not work, but that is not to say that they do not work at all. Several of us tried to get through R's head that he had to quit drinking. Completely. Not one or two a day. He would agree to get treatment, always at a later date, lying through his teeth every time. Always an agreement to get the person off his back until they'd let him go. An A will do anything to get the alcohol fix.

So three of us are going to the next step, attempting to have him committed. If he doesn't have alcohol dementia, he is close to it. Judging by the state of his legs, feet and intake, he could drop dead any time. So why not try the legal system? R is a Florida resident, and the three of us are going to the Florida Keys court to invoke the Marchman Act on him. I hope and pray they take him in, he starts to shake and they see his condition, and they commit him for months. Then I hope and pray that what the author of "Under the Influence" says is correct -- that many alcoholics do not embrace sobriety until they have been in rehab for weeks.

What I have learned, though, is that freaking out, worrying, controlling does NOTHING. Pursue this how you can - either through the courts or through a group intervention. Do it cool & controlled. Hey, if he's a rock star why not contact the Intervention show on A&E? My inclination is that successful people (like R) are narcissistic and would love to brag about their recovery on national TV.

It's all worth a try. Remember, as long as there's life, there's hope. But you've got to stay collected about this, and also remember that there comes a time to admit you've done all you can and move on.

GOOD LUCK.

kglast

((GL)) My ex fiancee is also late stage, I believe - and he is only 37. I have had to accept, very recently, that there is nothing I can do. He has been in and out of jail, rehab, etc. and he keeps going back....I don't have any answers but I do understand how you are feeling....try to concentrate on doing things that make YOU feel good....I know some days, there is nothing you can do but get through the day, but a better day will come - somehow they always do.... ((()))

good_luck

Ok, thanks.

To put this in perspective, I am literally doing nothing aside from thinking a lot. We aren't in contact or anything. I don't really want to be involved with all the chaos again.

I'm just in a highly, blessedly normal place right now. And realizing how completely abnormal things had been. I think that the "late stage/final stage" thing just scares me to death.

Rationally, I know that there isn't anything aside what I have done. I have conducted myself in a way that I am proud of, cut off contact for the time being, and expressed that should he ever need support in getting sober, I would be here as a resource to help him find appropriate treatment. I have told him consistently that I love him despite his choices, but continued contact while he is using is unhealthy for me.

I stand by all of that. I am just scared by that article, swayed by intervention theories, and temporarily having thoughts that there is something more that I can do.

Obviously, if I wanted people to agree with my idea of saving him... I would have posted somewhere else.

good_luck

...and "rock star" is kind of a joke, but he is a touring musician and makes his living as such.

Barbara52

Sounds like you have done all you can do for him. Its not easy but perhaps try to emphasize the rational rather than the emotional.

StandingStrong

good luck - guilt and my sense of feeling responsible for others led me to do alot of things for other people that I shouldn't have done. It led me to do things that in hindsite were very irrational and I took alot of blame, guilt, etc onto myself that wasn't mine to carry - and in the end, I ended up causing myself more harm than good. It took my finally reaching my own bottom, so to speak, before I could begin to realize that there was a lot of truth in what I came to realize - that I couldn't save him (the A in my life), but that I could save myself.
It was a hard and long painful journey. Finally when the rational side of me really sunk in and I realized that I had to ACCEPT the reality - the pain, the doubting, second guessing, etc. began to wear off. I lived repeating the Serenity Prayer many times a day for a long time.

Today I am much healthier and I am happy. And I no longer feel guilt for the choices and situations that my ex A finds himself in. We all end up where we are due to the choices that we make - and/or how we handle the circumstances that lead us there.

If you are happy with your life - live it.
Allow your own A to find their own way - as that is the only way in which they will find the peace and healthiness they need.
You can lead someone, you can encourage someone, etc. but as you already know - they themselves have to do the work, commit themselves to their recovery, etc.

good_luck

I do find his profession irksome, to be honest. There is one person (me) who he's lost because of drinking. Then he immediately goes on tour where there are many more people trying to get pictures with him or his autograph. How can that not validate him a little bit, you know?

StandingStrong

Of course it's irksome, but one thing that A's seldom realize until the end of their cycle (if even then) is that often times, A's stick together - BUT when one needs a "friend", the infamous drinking buddies are nowhere to be found.
I'm sure that being some sort of public person - whether it be a musician or another profession - may someday come to that same situation. Where when the A you are referring too can no longer give what is wanted or expected from them, they may find themselves quite lonely.
Validation is something that many people seek for thier own unsureness - in my opinion. I, too, used to seek my friend's and families opinions (aka: agreeance) with what I was thinking and feeling, etc in order to validate my own feelings and thoughts. Heck, I was a mess and didn't trust my own judgement.
So while his profession may lead to giving him praise and whatnot in the form you are speaking of - I believe that A's are empty on the inside - or are at least missing something that keeps them from feeling whole - which brings in the alcohol as the "filler".

But what jumps out at me from your posts is that you question so much of this - and if you are happy with your life - understand, there is nothing you can do about the A's life. You can only live your own.

good_luck

Thanks, standing strong. I am in a tizzy tonight, what can I say? Of course you are right. In fact, I know that touring is a lonely depressing experience from what he has told me.

You are also totally right about living my own life. No doubt about it. I'm just having some existential codie freakout. (This would be questioning someone else's existence. ha.) I am obsessive. I overthink everything. But right-o. Time to overthink my own life!!!

Thanks for the reality check, everyone! I will halt plans for my weird scholarship for non-achievement.

good_luck

But can I, just for a second, brag on myself?

We have been broken up for @ two months. I have not once looked at his band's website, myspace page, flickr pictures of concerts, youtube, blogs, reviews, interviews, etc. I haven't even watched them on their late-night talk show appearance!

All of this goes against my nature. But my nature often leans towards self torture, so it loses this one.

kglast

your head is on straight, GL....stay strong.....tomorrow (ok, or maybe the next... ) will be a better day....i am obsessive too and understand how tough that is....

GiveLove

YOU are doing great. I remember from your previous posts....you've got your head screwed on straight, and are doing the hard work of rebuilding a happy life

I can only hope he finds his way too. I know you do too.

Hugs,
GL

CBrown

Good Luck, your post about his appearances on TV adds another topic of discussion. You were dating a guy who a lot of women would like to date, right? He's a "celebrity" to some extent, and that is a powerful thing too. I know because my XABF was a "big deal" in national politics. He would disappear on me (I didn't know he was an alcoholic for years), and I would keep renewing the friendship because it was "very cool" to know a celebrity of sorts.

Now that "big deal" can't hold down a job at all, lives in a nasty marina on a dirty houseboat, and his friends are one step above homeless. So much for the prestige. My point is that I know there's a magnet to a famous person, and it makes it that much harder to cut the ties. But bottom line is that nobody deserves to live with an abusive alcoholic.

good_luck

I don't know. I have always found the celebrity thing to be very odd. It was kind of cute to watch him perform, but I think that was more because I find anyone doing something they are good at attractive. Personally, I think I am a pretty grounded person in that respect, I value people for who they are. If I could erase his coolness and replace it with serenity, I would in a heartbeat. (Of course, I can't.)

I think that the reason that I felt the need to out his profession is because it is a source of codie panic for me. He is making his living in a field that honors disasters, that celebrates drunks and drug abusers. What would be a disaster in a board meeting is a source of publicity and potential fame onstage. And it is complicated by the fact that people want to be around him because of his success. Not me, but all sorts of people, for all sorts of reasons.

Not that I want him to be disliked, far from it. But it seems unhealthy that there is this endless supply of admirers who base their admiration on something other than his character and deeds. And it really separates me from everyone else, because I am the person that says his behavior isn't ok, and I am pretty much the only one that says that to him. I'm a drag ex-girlfriend, bringing him down where "no one else thinks that he is out of control."

Thanks for letting me know your story, Claudia. I don't want that kind of ending for my ex-sweetheart at all, but I know that it's possible. It's good to be reminded, when I lose my perspective.

I am feeling much better today, much less nervous about needing to do something for him. I can wait and hope that he knows that he can come to me as a true friend if things ever reach a point where he craves sobriety. Until then, I will just stay over here, and stay in very sporadic contact, I suppose.

LaTeeDa

I don't think it is sheer coincidence that an alcoholic would choose a profession where he is constantly surrounded by ready-made enablers. Do you?

L

good_luck

nope.

Hey. I'm going to my first Alanon meeting now. Whoo-hoo!