gns

I am sure all of us feel taken advantage of at least to some extent. I feel truly victimized. My ex took so much from me - emotions, time and most upsetting - a lot of money.

I saw his apartment from the outside and he seems to be doing just fine (it looks nice from what I could tell), happy even.

I feel so worthless for being the loser girl that has to "buy" love.
Why does he get away with it and get ahead - that is not fair. Where is the justice?

denny57

In leading a life that not only looks good from the outside, but is real on the inside.

I found help to get over the feelings of worthlessness that living with addiction can bring. I hope you find the same.

((()))

Pick-a-name

Ugh........I know the feeling and that is why I am re-reading "Codependent No More". It is helping me (again).

Reading and posting here help me alot,too. Coming here when I feel that way is what I do if I need a "hand-up from that pit".
Sometimes I just need to get myself moving and busy doing something else to get out of those thoughts. Seems like it is a habit I am in the process of trying to break.....obsessing about things in that unhealthy place in my mind that I think I must have spent a lot of time in the past few years living with active alcoholism. I didn't know I was doing it nor that I did not have to. It's part of the healing process, I think.

Sometimes easier said than done,but it seems to be going in the right direction for me,at least most days.

Sorry you are feeling low, but glad you are here to share about it (you've helped me! ); you are not alone. Hope your day turns out to full of wonderful surprises!

p.s. My ex "looks" that way,too but then I remember most people do not have a clue of what our homelife disintigrated into (because that is where most of the drinking,etc happened) so even at a time I KNOW how bad it was,to the outside it looked fine. Probably is still the case,just I am not there to see it. It does "feel" confusing to me sometimes,too but I try to remind myself it is not something I need to waste my time on,especially when it is basically an exercise in beating up on myself. My self-esteem has been hit enough,mostly be me. I am trying to learn when I do that so that I can put a stop to it. (I think it is about a twisted feeling of shame,or something similar.)

Please do something nice for yourself today (and at least once EVERYDAY)...I have found that helpful,too. You deserve it! We all do!!!

Jenny79

I feel the same way.I live in the same condo complex as my ex.Here I am with no money,job,living with a family member on their couch.My ex lives his roommate even sharing a bed with him,gets money from SSI while I can't get a job.

All my life I've had nothing but put downs,etc..Can't have friends,a lover,etc..unless
I buy their love and friendship with my time,what little money I have in my pocket that day even its just a dollar or a penny.

Try to be strong.One day we'll be loved for who we are not for what people can get out of us.

Jenny

embraced2000

i felt that way for a time, too, gns. just remember, you are not worthless.....you were involved with an alcoholic and the alcoholism was dictating his actions.

where is the justice? with you in recovery and living well, happy, serene, peaceful, and enlightened.

he will continue as he always has unless he seeks recovery. and every woman he brings into his life will live the same hell you did.

there has not been a magic wand waved over him that has now enabled him to live charmed life. he is, as he was. he will in all likelihood, repeat this pattern over and over until he seeks recovery. and he will continue to have a devastating effect on those that try to love him, including the string of women to follow.

i know you are stinging, and hurting, hon. just push through it.....there is a brillant light on the other side that will bathe you a wonderful glow of serenity. but we just have to push, push, push our ways through it. the rewards are tremendous, tho.

Mr. Christian

One of the hardest things to do is get out of the victim mentality.
Most of what we still face and did face was choices that we have made ourselves.
No one forced us to stay id an unhealthy relationship; it was in fact, our own doing.


There comes a time that we need to face the reality as I did, that we must get moving on life.

Take what you have learned and move forward, a new life is there if you take it.

ARealLady

I saw his apartment from the outside and he seems to be doing just fine (it looks nice from what I could tell), happy even.


Outside looking in. We know nothing from that perspective....we can only speculate and imagine based on a few pieces of information.

most people do not have a clue of what our homelife disintigrated into (because that is where most of the drinking,etc happened) so even at a time I KNOW how bad it was,to the outside it looked fine.

As Pick says but this outside looking in stance extends to all things in life.

If I go touring around town at Christmas to see all the lights and decorations on the fanciest homes in the best neighbourhoods, it's easy to feel envious about what goes on inside except that I DON'T KNOW for sure so it seems like a waste of my emotional energy to get all upset about something so outside my control. That's when I count my own blessings.

It takes time to recover from a long term broken marriage or relationship. I think the worst part of recovery is finding our way back to a standard of living which is compatible with what we were used to but with the peace of mind and serenity which comes as a result of the ME-work. I used to live in one of those big homes in one of the best neighbourhoods but it was a shell of what life could be.

the loser girl that has to "buy" love. I don't understand what you mean, gns....why do you feel that you have to "buy" love?

I buy their love and friendship with my time,what little money I have in my pocket that day even its just a dollar or a penny.
And Jenny says it too.

There is no price on love and friendship. I'd prefer no friends at all.

ARL

kelsh

Hi Everyone,

My husband was arrested, broke many restraining orders, didn't pay his bills, had a nice apartment, wasn't in jail yet, bounced the first child support check, followed me where ever I went...even to work...followed the school bus with our daughter on it, came into the house when I wasn't home,
went through our garbage can to see if I was drinking, called me multiple times on the phone every day after I got home from work...and when I told his probation officer what he was doing...he didn't believe me.

I did feel like the VICTIM then. :caveman

My counselor did a first time thing....she had a meeting with my husband's probation officer, his attorney, & his sexual offender counselor to get things straightened out. I was out of town visiting
my oldest daughter when she did this. It helped a lot but he still tried to get away with as much as possible. He was seen sitting out in his car watching through the windows of the office where I went for group therapy. I could not believe this one myself.

I am a alcoholic in recovery for 19 years but it took me four years of drinking every day before I went to ask for help after my divorce was finalized. I never wanted to know where he lived or who he lived with. He had a big income because he was a Retired Military Man with a Disability & also had a job. It ended up that he only got 45 days work release jail time and three years of sexual offender counseling which was extended to four years because he did not think he had done anything that bad.

This is the other end of the spectrim.....I let myself dwell on this in my alcoholic stupor and finally figured out what I was doing to myself and my eleven year old daughter. That is when I went for help for my alcoholism and depression. :praying

kelsh

FormerDoormat

Part of my recovery process was learning that the addict in my life didn't take anything from me. I gave it away freely--my money, my assets, my trust, my self repect, my health, my happiness, my sanity. Addicts don't victimize their co-dependent partners; they simply take advantage of opportunities. Codependents victimize themselves. Learning why I gave everything to others until I had nothing left and learning how to develop new, healthier behaviors were paramount to my recovery.

We all have choices. We can choose to be victims or we can choose to be victorious. We can choose to be losers or we can choose to be winners. We can choose to spend our time venting and whining or we can choose to spend our time more wisely and focus on the things in life that bring us joy.

A happy life is waiting for you if you choose it.

GiveLove

If it's getting even that you want, gns, just remember this:

Living well is the best revenge.

Instead, you're letting him ruin your life. You let him continue to win, every day.

Hoping for better times for you ((()))

GL