Have I learned Nothing?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
Have I learned Nothing?
I'm going to try to make this short as possible. Most of you know my background-co-dependent - duh- and recently went through an awful break up with AXBF. Here's my latest.
So in September i received an email from an old high school friend. He lives in Washington (i'm in Idaho) and emailed to say hi. We continued to email back and forth and i learned that he was going through a divorce. blablabla. So after a month, he came back to Boise to visit his family and we hung out. (no, nothing happened
) anyway, i started to become interested in him. No, he's not an alcoholic, HOWEVER, his emails changed from talking about his divorce and fun memories of high school etc. to saying he is interested in a future with me, seeing where this goes, etc. Fine. I'm game for it. He's super nice, sends me starbucks giftcards weekly, perfect man, right? well. He is going through a divorce, and its messy. Custody issues, ex is basically taking every dime he has and what not. I've been trying really hard to stay out of it, because i know with my codie issues, i can get too wrapped up in trying to save him. So last week he tells me he loves me. WHOA. ANd really is glad he's met me, and that we've reconnected.
Here's my question: HOW THE H** DO I GET MYSELF WRAPPED UP IN CRISIS all the time? I didn't even CHOOSE HIM, he came to me. ANd he's super nice, and so I thought to myself, give a nice guy a chance for once. I do, and STILL i pick someone with major issues...issues that i didn't even see in the beginning. What is wrong with my radar here? Is this codepency still? How was I supposed to know?
It's not that i don't have feelings for this guy, it is that i cannot find someone with ten ton baggage. Is that my fault? It HAS to be, every single relationship i've ever entered into has had issues. But this time I wasn't even aware until later on. What is going on? It has to do with me, but will someone tell me what i'm doing wrong?!?!?!??! ANd to top it all off, I am STILL having issues of loss over my loss of AXBF. I have even emailed him asking how he was, and NOTHING. And it has really bothered and hurt me. SERIOUSLY. HELP.
So in September i received an email from an old high school friend. He lives in Washington (i'm in Idaho) and emailed to say hi. We continued to email back and forth and i learned that he was going through a divorce. blablabla. So after a month, he came back to Boise to visit his family and we hung out. (no, nothing happened
) anyway, i started to become interested in him. No, he's not an alcoholic, HOWEVER, his emails changed from talking about his divorce and fun memories of high school etc. to saying he is interested in a future with me, seeing where this goes, etc. Fine. I'm game for it. He's super nice, sends me starbucks giftcards weekly, perfect man, right? well. He is going through a divorce, and its messy. Custody issues, ex is basically taking every dime he has and what not. I've been trying really hard to stay out of it, because i know with my codie issues, i can get too wrapped up in trying to save him. So last week he tells me he loves me. WHOA. ANd really is glad he's met me, and that we've reconnected.Here's my question: HOW THE H** DO I GET MYSELF WRAPPED UP IN CRISIS all the time? I didn't even CHOOSE HIM, he came to me. ANd he's super nice, and so I thought to myself, give a nice guy a chance for once. I do, and STILL i pick someone with major issues...issues that i didn't even see in the beginning. What is wrong with my radar here? Is this codepency still? How was I supposed to know?
It's not that i don't have feelings for this guy, it is that i cannot find someone with ten ton baggage. Is that my fault? It HAS to be, every single relationship i've ever entered into has had issues. But this time I wasn't even aware until later on. What is going on? It has to do with me, but will someone tell me what i'm doing wrong?!?!?!??! ANd to top it all off, I am STILL having issues of loss over my loss of AXBF. I have even emailed him asking how he was, and NOTHING. And it has really bothered and hurt me. SERIOUSLY. HELP.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon, what a tangled web we weave!
I dunno the answer to your question. I could tell you* where the red flags were, where he changed from being thinking of you as a friend to thinking of you as a potential g/f, where you could have headed him off at the pass prior to the three-word-declaration, but I'm not sure that's gonna help. Maybe if you try and understand those things, you can see where you got to where you are now.
We all have baggage, hon. It's part of life. It's the dealing with it that separates the spirallers from the steadies. My hunch is that the steadies deal with it themselves, or with a professional.
*note - it's only because it's someone else, and because it's with hindsight, that I can do this. I cannot guarantee that I could do it for myself.
I dunno the answer to your question. I could tell you* where the red flags were, where he changed from being thinking of you as a friend to thinking of you as a potential g/f, where you could have headed him off at the pass prior to the three-word-declaration, but I'm not sure that's gonna help. Maybe if you try and understand those things, you can see where you got to where you are now.
We all have baggage, hon. It's part of life. It's the dealing with it that separates the spirallers from the steadies. My hunch is that the steadies deal with it themselves, or with a professional.
*note - it's only because it's someone else, and because it's with hindsight, that I can do this. I cannot guarantee that I could do it for myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
He goes from talking about his divorce, to talking about a future with you and he loves you? Seems like a red flag to me.
Also, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not about "knowing" who has issues and who doesn't. We don't always know immediately. It's about taking notice of the issues before you get too involved. This allows you to act rather than react. Sounds to me like that's what your doing?
L
Also, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not about "knowing" who has issues and who doesn't. We don't always know immediately. It's about taking notice of the issues before you get too involved. This allows you to act rather than react. Sounds to me like that's what your doing?
L
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Hey K,
So sorry, your going through this so soon after what you've already been through with your ex. It sounds familiar to what happens to me when dating as well. I think like LTD said, you couldn't have known so soon. Don't be so hard on yourself, you followed your gut with this new person, there's not a single fault in that. I think that seeing some flags early on is a great work in progress
p.s. i tried to pm you but it's full so i sent you an email instead
hang in there ... your doing just fine! :comfort
So sorry, your going through this so soon after what you've already been through with your ex. It sounds familiar to what happens to me when dating as well. I think like LTD said, you couldn't have known so soon. Don't be so hard on yourself, you followed your gut with this new person, there's not a single fault in that. I think that seeing some flags early on is a great work in progress
p.s. i tried to pm you but it's full so i sent you an email instead
hang in there ... your doing just fine! :comfort
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
1) If you're still having issues/feelings about an X, then it's not time to invest in a new relationship (beyond a friendship).
2) No one going through a divorce is emotionally ready or has anything to invest in a new relationship.
There's always exceptions, but in general.....that's my opinion.
2) No one going through a divorce is emotionally ready or has anything to invest in a new relationship.
There's always exceptions, but in general.....that's my opinion.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
Gosh, sounds like me. One man with issues after another. I am sticking to being single for a very long time now! Im sure we all have enough emotional issues to deal with let alone carry someone elses.
Maybe you could detach from him a bit for a while, let him know you care, but that he has to sort out his divorce etc before you look at a future with him. Im sure that if he does truley love you then he will.
best of luck
Maybe you could detach from him a bit for a while, let him know you care, but that he has to sort out his divorce etc before you look at a future with him. Im sure that if he does truley love you then he will.
best of luck
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi, CDK....did you ever check out the Melody Beattie volume, Beyond Co-dependency where she discusses at length the types of people who are "available" for relationships? It makes for very interesting reading and she really makes the reader aware of what constitutes a RED FLAG.
IMO, your old friend might be having some kind of mid-life crisis. Remember that everything you know about his marital situation is based on what he has chosen to tell you. He might be a nice guy but it is his word against hers as to why there are custody issues and why she is going after so much money. Personally, I believe that the details of his on-going divorce are not things to be shared with a new potential partner at this point. That is HIS baggage and his alone.
every single relationship i've ever entered into has had issues. But this time I wasn't even aware until later on.
This is where I am focussing my current ME-work. I am going to live my signature line and one way I am going to do that is by joining a local CODA group (once exams are over!) and get some insight as to why so many past relationships have involved men who are emotionally unavailable. Again, read what Beattie has to say about it!
ARL
IMO, your old friend might be having some kind of mid-life crisis. Remember that everything you know about his marital situation is based on what he has chosen to tell you. He might be a nice guy but it is his word against hers as to why there are custody issues and why she is going after so much money. Personally, I believe that the details of his on-going divorce are not things to be shared with a new potential partner at this point. That is HIS baggage and his alone.
every single relationship i've ever entered into has had issues. But this time I wasn't even aware until later on.
This is where I am focussing my current ME-work. I am going to live my signature line and one way I am going to do that is by joining a local CODA group (once exams are over!) and get some insight as to why so many past relationships have involved men who are emotionally unavailable. Again, read what Beattie has to say about it!
ARL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
BTW- SOmeone pm'd me and asked me how i could get involved with someone i had never met...if that was the impression i sent, i DO know him. Have known him for fifteen years, but have not talked to him for about 6.
ANYWAY.
THank you everyone. You're right. I did see red flags. I guess my problem is admitting to myself they are there. I guess i don't trust my intuitions yet. Because i see somethign, and then i tell myself, Kaira, just give it a chance don't assume anything. He IS a nice guy, always has been, but you're right. Going through a divorce gives no room for emotional involvement with another relationship. I even told him that, but he insisted that wasn't the case. Thank you everyone. Thanks for the honesty and letting me count on you all.
Heather: I figured out how to clear my inbox Love you!
ANYWAY.
THank you everyone. You're right. I did see red flags. I guess my problem is admitting to myself they are there. I guess i don't trust my intuitions yet. Because i see somethign, and then i tell myself, Kaira, just give it a chance don't assume anything. He IS a nice guy, always has been, but you're right. Going through a divorce gives no room for emotional involvement with another relationship. I even told him that, but he insisted that wasn't the case. Thank you everyone. Thanks for the honesty and letting me count on you all.
Heather: I figured out how to clear my inbox
Love you!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by cdk1972 
He is going through a divorce, and its messy. Custody issues, ex is basically taking every dime he has and what not.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by denny57
That is the BIGGEST red flag in your whole post. I'm "the wife" who is supposedly making AH's life miserable, too. Bleeding him dry. The main reason I would not get involved with anyone while I was going through my 2 year divorce is precisely because I didn't want to be bad mouthing AH. I also know if a man I meet tells me awful things about his supposedly "evil" wife (who by the way he had sex and children with LOL) I'm running for the hills.
I agree with meeting a man talking like that,etc.......I'd be long gone as quickly as possible!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by denny57
That is the BIGGEST red flag in your whole post. I'm "the wife" who is supposedly making AH's life miserable, too. Bleeding him dry. The main reason I would not get involved with anyone while I was going through my 2 year divorce is precisely because I didn't want to be bad mouthing AH. I also know if a man I meet tells me awful things about his supposedly "evil" wife (who by the way he had sex and children with LOL) I'm running for the hills.
I guess my point is that anytime one hears about how one half of a divorcing couple is sooo awful, its a sign that perhaps more is going on than we are aware of.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 5,075
cdk, I wanted to come back and address some of the questions you asked, instead of just pointing out the red flag he was waving.
You asked "what did I do?" I'd look at a couple things. When you first heard from him, did you ask if he was married? If he told you at the beginning he was going through a messy divorce, would you have considered emailing back - well, why don't we touch base again 6 months after your divorce is final? In other words, instead of seeing him as a "nice guy" who sends you Starbucks cards every week, would you give yourself the gift of not getting involved with someone who isn't even out of their marriage?
I'd go back and read your emails to him - did you give him any indication you wanted this to become a relationship?
I would also journal it out - being brutally honest with myself about what I was hoping would happen; was I feeling lonely, needy, etc.? Did I want to believe I was his dream come true and all other women had been less than? Why was I so ready to write a sentence in which I make a comment about his wife based entirely on what he told me? In other words, I'd ask the hard questions. Even if I could answer them in the negative, I'd do the exercise.
This isn't to put blame on you. It's only when I honestly look at my motivations and choices and that I learn and grow.
You asked "what did I do?" I'd look at a couple things. When you first heard from him, did you ask if he was married? If he told you at the beginning he was going through a messy divorce, would you have considered emailing back - well, why don't we touch base again 6 months after your divorce is final? In other words, instead of seeing him as a "nice guy" who sends you Starbucks cards every week, would you give yourself the gift of not getting involved with someone who isn't even out of their marriage?
I'd go back and read your emails to him - did you give him any indication you wanted this to become a relationship?
I would also journal it out - being brutally honest with myself about what I was hoping would happen; was I feeling lonely, needy, etc.? Did I want to believe I was his dream come true and all other women had been less than? Why was I so ready to write a sentence in which I make a comment about his wife based entirely on what he told me? In other words, I'd ask the hard questions. Even if I could answer them in the negative, I'd do the exercise.
This isn't to put blame on you. It's only when I honestly look at my motivations and choices and that I learn and grow.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Posts: 123
I appreciate that, Denny, thank you. Yes, he told me he was getting divorced, but of course the "details" didn't come out until later. And just to let everyone know, I am not naive. I have learned that there is always another side of the story- i learned that with Shane, my XAB. And i have always kept that in mind, so i hope i didn't offend anyone, because i have never assumed that it was all her fault...i do know better.
The issues I am dealing with are moreso about how I attract these types of relationships, not how do i make this work.
Let me reitterate something, because i keep getting private messages about how could i possibly get involved with someone i have never met.
I HAVE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS.....I WENT TO JR.HIGH, HIGH SCHOOL, AND PART OF COLLEGE WITH THIS PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not so stupid that I would involve myself with someone i have never met.
Okay, back to the REAL ISSUE. I am obviously still struggling with my codependency. Yes, i have read all of Melodie Beatties books- thank you, i always appreciate the recommendations. I just want to be able to get over the mistrust in myself, and the fact that when i see red flags, i feel "BAD" to tell the person to get lost. I have NOT returned the three dreaded words, but I admittedly have not addressed them, either.
The issues I am dealing with are moreso about how I attract these types of relationships, not how do i make this work.
Let me reitterate something, because i keep getting private messages about how could i possibly get involved with someone i have never met.
I HAVE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS.....I WENT TO JR.HIGH, HIGH SCHOOL, AND PART OF COLLEGE WITH THIS PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not so stupid that I would involve myself with someone i have never met.
Okay, back to the REAL ISSUE. I am obviously still struggling with my codependency. Yes, i have read all of Melodie Beatties books- thank you, i always appreciate the recommendations. I just want to be able to get over the mistrust in myself, and the fact that when i see red flags, i feel "BAD" to tell the person to get lost. I have NOT returned the three dreaded words, but I admittedly have not addressed them, either.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
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Btw, SOme of the PM's i have been getting are a little rude-basically insinuating that I am a complete idiot for getting involved with - again- someone i have "never met" and what am i thinking....they obviously did not read my original post clearly, and I would appreciate if this site was kept strictly for positive support instead of PM's such as the ones i have received....Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm having a difficult time articulating this, but think I may have hit on what I'm trying to say. I don't think you attracted him, but kept him once you recognized the warning signs. Give yourself credit for recognizing them and realizing you don't want to hurt anyone by setting boundaries. THAT is something you can work on. A good exercise, then, might be addressing it head on now. Doing it once, leads to twice, thrice and so on. One day you'll wake up and you won't be "attracting" them anymore because you will feel good about saying no to what isn't good for your life.
((()))
((()))
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by cdk1972
I just want to be able to get over the mistrust in myself, and the fact that when i see red flags, i feel "BAD" to tell the person to get lost.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
when i see red flags, i feel "BAD" to tell the person to get lost.
That WAS me in a nutshell but I learned that I could just say "No, thank you." And I keep Beyond Co-dependency close by at all times....LOL.
The good thing about feeling "bad" as you initially reject a person's approaches is that if you let them into your life you might end up feeling very, very bad!
ARL
That WAS me in a nutshell but I learned that I could just say "No, thank you." And I keep Beyond Co-dependency close by at all times....LOL.
The good thing about feeling "bad" as you initially reject a person's approaches is that if you let them into your life you might end up feeling very, very bad!
ARL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
You know what, you're right. That makes PERFECT sense. I DID "keep" him even when i saw stuff i was uncomfortable with. Because I don't know how to say, "no thank you", basically. I just have to keep getting stronger. All of you all's posts help me to do that. (hm. that was bad English from an English teacher...sorry! )
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