My name is Jane and I'm Codependent
up and out
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
My name is Jane and I'm Codependent
Here is the original "My name is John. I'm an addict" posting. Below it I wrote a response from the Codependent perspective. I'm sure this has been done but I was really feeling it so I wanted to share.
My name is John.
I'm an addict.
And this is what addicts do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect.
All i care about, all i think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use.
When i say I love you, I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if i loved myself, and since i don't, i cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that i could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that i hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again.
Stop Being Surprised.
I am an addict.
And that's what addicts do.
My name is Jane and I’m Codependent.
And this is what Codependent people do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior although I will try to change yours. I will try desperately to make you treat me with respect although I do not respect myself.
My needs will go unmet because I will obsessively concern myself with your needs. I’ll allow you to use me then become angry and resentful. I was attracted to you in the first place because your behavior is familiar to me. A mate who is without major flaws would leave me feeling empty.
When I say I Love You, I fully expect you to reciprocate. I want you to adore me because then maybe you will stay. I have high self-esteem and appear to have it together yet I have a low self-worth. Therefore, I am a mess.
I will continue to manipulate in order to make things go my way. I will not accept you for who you are. I do not even know myself, much less know you.
My feelings are pushed down and numb by the pain of the unacceptable things I’ve tolerated and accepted. You can hurt me, leave me hungry, lie to me, steal from me and cheat on me and I will stay…..wondering what I can do to make you love me more.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I become aware that I am dysfunctional, make a decision to change it, and then follow it up with a plan of action.
Stop Being Surprised.
I am Codependent.
And that’s what Codependent people do.
My name is John.
I'm an addict.
And this is what addicts do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect.
All i care about, all i think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use.
When i say I love you, I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if i loved myself, and since i don't, i cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that i could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that i hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again.
Stop Being Surprised.
I am an addict.
And that's what addicts do.
My name is Jane and I’m Codependent.
And this is what Codependent people do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior although I will try to change yours. I will try desperately to make you treat me with respect although I do not respect myself.
My needs will go unmet because I will obsessively concern myself with your needs. I’ll allow you to use me then become angry and resentful. I was attracted to you in the first place because your behavior is familiar to me. A mate who is without major flaws would leave me feeling empty.
When I say I Love You, I fully expect you to reciprocate. I want you to adore me because then maybe you will stay. I have high self-esteem and appear to have it together yet I have a low self-worth. Therefore, I am a mess.
I will continue to manipulate in order to make things go my way. I will not accept you for who you are. I do not even know myself, much less know you.
My feelings are pushed down and numb by the pain of the unacceptable things I’ve tolerated and accepted. You can hurt me, leave me hungry, lie to me, steal from me and cheat on me and I will stay…..wondering what I can do to make you love me more.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I become aware that I am dysfunctional, make a decision to change it, and then follow it up with a plan of action.
Stop Being Surprised.
I am Codependent.
And that’s what Codependent people do.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Thank you for posting this.
My name is Scott, I'm a double winner, alcoholic and codependant. Maybe there's a word for that? Codaholic?
On Feb. 24th of this year a caring and beautiful friend took me to my first CoDA meeting. I haven't started the Steps in the program yet, but the meetings have opened my mind to the extent of the disease in me. So far I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back constantly, but I'm excited about the journey ahead. AA has shown me how to stay sober, CoDA is showing me how to genuinely live.
On Feb. 24th of this year a caring and beautiful friend took me to my first CoDA meeting. I haven't started the Steps in the program yet, but the meetings have opened my mind to the extent of the disease in me. So far I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back constantly, but I'm excited about the journey ahead. AA has shown me how to stay sober, CoDA is showing me how to genuinely live.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 24
I have high self-esteem and appear to have it together yet I have a low self-worth. Therefore, I am a mess.
Wow!! I've been trying to figure out for some time why I am such a codependent when I've always felt that I have pretty decent self esteem - I always have - so I've often found a missing link when all the codependent information talks about people with a low self esteem.
Now I get it!!
I have great self esteem - it's my self worth that has issues!! Definitely something to think on.
Thanks. That was my AHA moment of the day.
Wow!! I've been trying to figure out for some time why I am such a codependent when I've always felt that I have pretty decent self esteem - I always have - so I've often found a missing link when all the codependent information talks about people with a low self esteem.
Now I get it!!
I have great self esteem - it's my self worth that has issues!! Definitely something to think on.
Thanks. That was my AHA moment of the day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I'm no expert, but in my estimation self esteem is value we give to ourselves for external things. (things we do, things we have, what others think of us, etc.) Self worth would be internal. The ability to love ourselves unconditionally, regardless of what others think.
Just my perception of it,
L
Just my perception of it,
L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Nice thread - I can relate to it a lot.
I thought I had self-esteem, and in a sense I did. I thought I knew what was best for other people. I just lost sight of what was best for me. Or rather, I did not think I deserved the best, hence low self-worth.
I thought I had self-esteem, and in a sense I did. I thought I knew what was best for other people. I just lost sight of what was best for me. Or rather, I did not think I deserved the best, hence low self-worth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by thelightdawns 
Ahh this might sound like a silly q'n but.... What exactly is the difference between self esteem and self worth?
I have been trying to figure it out for myself, to no avail.
I have been trying to figure it out for myself, to no avail.
Esteem = Opinion, do you have a high opinion of yourself, are you confident in who you are, what image you project?
My esteem is high, I know in my heart I am a good and moral abiding human with the best of intentions in whatever I do.
My worth is low, I think that my accomplishments in life have been hollow, or below what Im capable of. I dont have a perfect family, job, or friends. Certainly nobody would want to be in my place or have what I have, would they?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I once read somewhere that alcoholics have high self-esteem, but low self-worth. It made sense to me because of the arrogance, selfishness, and grandiosity that goes with it, but yet the lact of motivation to take care of themselves.
I guess the easiest way for me is to think of it is in opposites. Opposite of self-esteem is humility and opposite of self-worth is self-loathing.
Again, JMHO,
L
I guess the easiest way for me is to think of it is in opposites. Opposite of self-esteem is humility and opposite of self-worth is self-loathing.
Again, JMHO,
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by tollbooth
Worth = Value, do you value yourself and what you are, what you have accomplished with your life?
Esteem = Opinion, do you have a high opinion of yourself, are you confident in who you are, what image you project?
My esteem is high, I know in my heart I am a good and moral abiding human with the best of intentions in whatever I do.
My worth is low, I think that my accomplishments in life have been hollow, or below what Im capable of. I dont have a perfect family, job, or friends. Certainly nobody would want to be in my place or have what I have, would they?
Esteem = Opinion, do you have a high opinion of yourself, are you confident in who you are, what image you project?
My esteem is high, I know in my heart I am a good and moral abiding human with the best of intentions in whatever I do.
My worth is low, I think that my accomplishments in life have been hollow, or below what Im capable of. I dont have a perfect family, job, or friends. Certainly nobody would want to be in my place or have what I have, would they?
Self worth is pretty low. Don't think many would trade places with me for anything other than my physical health. lol. Used to have depression (but that's another story) and thought no-one would mind (much) if I died. Still think that way sometimes. I guess that definitely says something about my self worth or lack thereof.
hmmm. Thanks for that Tollbooth.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
okay..dose it mean, i got in touch with my femine side ? lol
since went from alki into codi.
yeap..high self-esteem and lack of self worth makes me wack.
I'm slowly starting to be able to distinguish between the two, after all these years.
ummm... maybe if i apply my codi behaviors self to my alki self
it'll get better, or maybe i struggle with myself all the time
and that's why i struggle all the time...
since went from alki into codi.
yeap..high self-esteem and lack of self worth makes me wack.
I'm slowly starting to be able to distinguish between the two, after all these years.
ummm... maybe if i apply my codi behaviors self to my alki self
it'll get better, or maybe i struggle with myself all the time
and that's why i struggle all the time...
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