Ivybridge

Hi everyone, I've just registered but I've been reading these forums for a few weeks. I've found so much strength here and I want to thank everyone for sharing so much.

My BF is an alcoholic and I'm really worried about him. Right now he's several states away and not doing well at all... in fact he hasn't even talked to me for the past 2 days and not sure he even wants to be with me anymore. Up till meeting him 7 months ago I didn't understand alcoholism much and especially not to this degree. He has the kindest soul of anyone I've known which is why I keep holding on but he's struggling really bad. I've done my best to learn all I could about the disease so i could be a better person for us both and I understand addiction to a degree since my personal demon is food. He's NOT a functioning alcoholic, we met online and I didn't have a clue about his drinking. When he arrived he more or less passed out on my couch for a week. I was nieve and didn't understand so I enabled in so many ways... I believed in what he said and just plain confused. Once the binge on hard liquor ended he went on to drinking a case a day for the next 2 months. This was so hard, so hard seeing someone who should of been doing things with me only wanting to drink. He had beer from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed, we couldn't go out without him looking for a liquor store... it controlled everything we did. This was even harder because I've spent the last year or so working on myself, I turned my life around, worked hard and dropped a ton of weight so I want to live life doing all those things I never did before. Somehow along the way I lost my focus while trying to help him find himself which I've learned from and thankfully have been back on track since he left. He did well here though... things got much better and he was even getting to the point of not enjoying alcohol. When he had to go back to take care of things he was in a much better place but he got thrown right into chaos. He didn't do well and has been on a binge for 6 weeks now. He's around other alcoholics and even went to detox for a day only to relapse later that night. So that's where things are at now. He's cheated, lied, been verbally abusive and downright mean on the phone which I never would of expected from him, he wasn't this way here and I only want him to get better. I'm told he seems to express desire to get help but I'm afraid he'll need an indepth rehab... he doesn't eat and if he does it's not much or he'll get sick. He's 40 and I'm really worried about his health, he also has a distorted sense of reality which is why I believe he's not talking to me now. This is so hard, I just can't do this anymore. I've been there for him, tried to learn so I could be a better person, stood by him and believed in him... I know we all have our own demons but I've never seen anything like this before and I'm hurting so much. He's on disability for other reasons and has medicare... besides that he has nothing and he doesn't think he can get into a rehab. Are there places that accept medicare? He needs serious help or I'm afraid he'll drink himself to death soon... he has no limits and will chug vodka as fast as beer. Where do you go from here?

I think I just need a hug...

Barbara52

Here's your hug ****{HUG}}}

Now, just why is it you want to continue a relationship with someone who verablly abuses you, ignores you, ruins your time together, etc?

Why do you feel responsible for his behavior and his choices? Why is you you feel you need to take on the care and feeding (so to speak) of adult?

hope213

welcome to s.r. there is help for you here to learn how to not enable him & live a full life for you. he will drink until he wants to stop.it does control their life. rehabs take medicaid so i would think the take they take medicare.. it is up to him to get the help if he wants it. he can call the medicare office. there are places that will help him if he really does want treatment. call your local mental heath center, they will help direct you. prayers for you & him. ((((((( ivy))))) i am sorry u r going thru this.

kelsh

Hi Ivy,

It is hard to see and separate his problems from yours but you need to. He can get help if he wants help by going to the local Social Services Office.

It is important for you to keep you together. I know this is easier said than done when it is someone you care about. There is no miracle waiting to happen. If he wants to be sober he will when he is ready.

I grew up with alcoholism in my family and have seen what havoc comes of it but I still became an alcoholic myself. I had to do it for myself and with the help of others that understood my problem....the good people in AA.

Life is too short to get waylaid down a road with no end in sight. You need to keep on your own road and live life for yourself.

kelsh

CBrown

Ivy, I have walked your walk. My XABF was an internet friend initially, and we met occasionally. It is VERY easy to hide alcoholism online, but it VERY hard to hide it in person. My XABF is at the stage yours is now (after 10 years of knowing him). He is drinking from 4:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. when he passes out. Yes, he has lied, cheated, fooled me about his life (until I learned the truth from others), verbally abused me, and disappeared from time to time.

Why did I stick with him? He needed a friend, and I thought I could help him. It is that simple. I do not believe in the no-win scenario, and I believe there is always hope. HOWEVER, it is all too easy to get sucked into the alcoholic's world and get taken down. You have got to keep your distance for your own good. I sure have been, as being in my XABF's toxic life was going to make mine toxic.

If you know any of his friends, why not give them a call to at least find out the true story of what's going on in his life. See if they can get him some help. There is not much you can do several states away. Pray for him, if you can answer the phone when he calls and be supportive, do it. Every time my XABF calls (he hasn't in a couple months now) the conversation came around to "here's how you can get help" and that usually ends the phone calls because until an A is ready for treatment he/she is not going to want to hear about it! Ultimately, he's going to have to accept or seek help.

Good luck to you!

ARealLady

(((((((Ivy))))))))))

XABF is long distance too. Usually when there was silence from him for a couple of days it was because he was binging. He had an explanation for the longest silence and that was that he had gone to rehab for a week. A few months later the truth came out....he'd been in jail for DUI. Understand why he is X?

Stay with us. This is a wonderful board where you will find compassion and great advice.

ARL

Ivybridge

Thanks everyone!

The biggest problem is that he's been at his sisters house and she's an alcoholic too. As I understand it's chaos around there and here it was quiet and 'safe'... he thought he was in a better place mentally when he left here, he thought he was strong and he was only stopping off there for a couple of days. It was only 2 days before the binge started and I honestly don't think I could stop something when it was in my face all the time. I know he wants help but I think he feels overwhelmed and hopeless. I just don't think he knows how to get help at this point and he can't leave because he's in no condition to drive (besides not being sober he got angry and broke his hand so it's in a cast for a couple more months). I've asked him if he wanted me to come get him but at this point I'm not even sure he knows what he wants. I want to be there for him, when I think of moving on I feel like I'm turning my back on him. I am doing my best to take care of myself, I've actually learned so much about myself the past 2 months and am on the road to recovery. I do know I don't deserve to be treated like this but I am struggling emotionally because I know he's sick.
I think I still have a long road ahead before I'm well.

prodigal

I do know I don't deserve to be treated like this but I am struggling emotionally because he is sick.

You're right, you do NOT deserve to be treated abusively, BUT ...

I'd really like you to think about it a bit, particularly the "yes, but..." reason. And you are also right that he is sick. So if I have this straight, you are willing to put up with someone who has cheated, lied, and been verbally abusive to you. Does his being "sick" from the disease of alcoholism make these behaviors more tolerable? Are you saying because he suffers from this disease, or should I say sickness, that you'll let such incidents slide and accept them for the time being? Are you waiting in the hopes that he'll get better and seek sobriety?

You appear to have a pretty good grip on what he feels, thinks, and how he's struggling.

So how about you? It sounds as if you've overcome an eating addiction and gotten yourself into shape. You had to do that by yourself, using your own willpower. I bet you didn't want to shed a pound until you were ready to do so. I think the same thing pertains to his alcoholism.

I want to share with you my recent experience with my AH. He went on a three-week bender. He didn't go to work. He stayed home and was drunk or passed out. Period. For three weeks straight. The only "excitement" here was the medics coming to the house three times to detox him. After eight hours in the hospital, he came home each time and proceeded to drink again. I did not call the medics; the sheriff's department got involved after AH drove his pickup into a wall in our community.

Three weeks of watching another one of far too many benders. This one was the worst I've ever seen. My solution? I'm leaving. Enough is enough. And if your bf continues drinking like he is right now, you WILL reach a point where you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Please take care of yourself. Try to get the focus off of helping him or making him see the light. Sometimes you have to step out of the way of the A and let him drink himself to death if that is his desire. It stinks, but ultimately there is nothing we can do to get them to quit. Nothing.

Ivybridge

Yes I am, I guess I'm making a lot of excuses and I'm not sure why.

Thank you for your post, it's given me a lot to think about and I'm sorry you're going through what you are too.

I need to learn how to let go...


Thank you

prodigal

Ivy, don't beat up on yourself for making excuses and hanging onto the hope that he'll get sober and be the wonderful guy you know he can be. We have all been there. The worst thing, I think, we ever have to let go of are our dreams. The death of what-might-have-been is crushing.

So we hang in and hang on and make deals with God, and beg the addict to get help, and keep tabs on the addict, and drive ourselves nuts, and keep focused on the addict, and when we're faced with WHY we're doing it, we often say, "I don't know." Because we don't know. We've spent our time, our energy, our very sanity on GETTING THEM SOBER. And nothing works.

I feel for you; believe me, I've walked in your shoes for a lot of years. I remember my husband as a sweet, awkward, geeky, shy, yet charming man. Loads of education. Well read. Highly decorated Army officer. Present-day down-and-out drunk whose brain is somewhat fried and who looks like he's 70.

Yeah, it hurts and we hang on and we actually know why, but facing WHY hurts like hell, so we avoid it for as long as possible.

As I've often said on this forum, alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer.

Long time comin', long time gone ....

CBrown

Ivy, I have learned that I can hope and pray that my XABF will recover before he kills himself, and still live my life. There is no point in you getting dragged down with your friend, right? In fact, the DISTANCE IS A BLESSING! From 1,200 miles away, I can still inquire about my XABF's health from time to time, yet I am out of the hurricane of his wretched life. Trust me, if you lived with him 24/7, it would be a living hell. Just ask some of the people on here who were married or living with alcoholics. Even living a few days with my XABF was a nightmare. His moral compass was spinning out of control and that life is NOT for me.

If you are like me you think "How can I let a person go who is so desperately in need?!!" Instead I have to think "I have told R several times that I will be here when he decides he is ready for sobriety. All he has to do is call and my support will be his. He knows I love and care about him, and he knows there are other friends who have said the same. I hope and pray that the day comes soon that I'll hear from him and he is in rehab." Until then, I have learned that pushing him to get help only pushes him away.

You're not alone. There are many of us on here who are in the same stage as you! (((hugs)))

Ivybridge

His neice finally sent me a few messages and I'm feeling like such a fool right now. I feel like the whole relationship was a joke or something... 7 months, 5 of which he lived here. I believed in someone, tried to see their soul and gave everything I had to give. I've never tried so hard to be a better person, to learn and understand a problem that wasn't my own. I believed in him, believed in what he said, loved and accepted him for who he was. I know we all have our own problems and I never have expected anything more from anyone except that they try their best. It's my understanding that he never talked about coming back here and he's currently at another woman's home playing the victim and pitying himself. I'm mad at myself for letting him make me feel this way and I feel sorry for him because he won't know what it's like to appreciate all the little things life has to offer. Life is so short!!

At least now I can move on... I can stop focusing so much on someone who can't appreciate it, learn to appreciate myself again and one of these days the right guy will come along and when he does I'll be able to appreciate him.

Thank you and I think I'll stay around here and continue to heal myself.

ARealLady

playing the victim and pitying himself.

Dear Ivy.....if he'd stayed longer in your life you would have discovered that playing the victim and self-pity are part of the disease.

I'm sorry you are hurting but know that you have gained so much through this experience. Much of what you describe in your original post here is stuff that I can relate to directly based on my own experiences with XABF....especially the passing out on the couch!

I can stop focusing so much on someone who can't appreciate it, learn to appreciate myself again and one of these days the right guy will come along and when he does I'll be able to appreciate him.



Maybe change that to....the right guy will come along and when he does HE will be able to appreciate you. You won't have to contort yourself into a pretzel to please him, you won't have to worry about him and his behaviour will not control your life. That's the beauty of this process of healing from co-dependency! You start taking care of you.

Big hugs!

ARL

appleblaster

I've never tried so hard to be a better person
Ah, but you already are a better person for the experience. You are a better person for giving of yourself. You're a better person because of the awareness you will gain. It may not feel like it, but you are improving.

I never have expected anything more from anyone except that they try their best
Unfortunately, with active alcoholics/addicts you cannot expect anything yet you could anticipate lying, cheating, deceit, drama, trouble, abuse, etc. That's just how it is.

he's currently at another woman's home playing the victim and pitying himself
No surprise there. For whatever reason, he needed a fresh source of supply. Supply for what? Everything.....pity, sex, love, alcohol, drugs, whatever his needs are at the time. Its not that you were not good enough or that you did not give enough. Perhaps you became too smart to his game. Maybe he was having to put forth more effort to get what he needed from you. It could be that he just wanted something different but trust me when I say that the basic reasons he's with someone else are selfish desires and have nothing to do with you.

Also, I can assure you that if he sees the possibility of getting his needs met through you again he will come back and try it again. But nothing will have changed on his part (unless he's in a program) and you can look forward to more beer and vodka guzzling, lying and abandonment.

Enough of that trash. You take your pretty, thinner self and join us on the road to recovery. Go at your own pace. We are here for you.

Much love and hugs!!

GiveLove

Ivy,

Just think what you could accomplish if you could put all of the time, love, tenderness, understanding, patience, and acceptance that you gave him..........into yourself. All those minutes and hours and days and weeks. All of that worry and care and love. What if you had it back, and could give it to yourself?

You're the one who deserves it.

You're the one who needs it.

Can you give yourself that gift? Take a few months and learn from this experience. My take on it is this: You've been learning how to take care of someone.

Now let that someone be YOU.

Hugs, ivy

GL