New here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 1
New here...
I really hope I'm posting in the right place... Here's a little of my background story...
My step mother called me last night, my biological father is, surprise surprise, drinking again, just months after his latest rehab attempt. My stepmother is not computer savvy at all, and so I'm doing research, trying to find options for her, possible options for him.
That being said, there's so much junk info on the internet, I wanted to ask if anyone here has any resources, links, or anything else that could help. I want to pass on a bunch of information to her, but thus far the only thing I've come up with is that (surprisingly) there actually is federally funded rehab facitilities, but I can't even figure that one out.
When he was married to my mom, he was already an alcoholic, but being at both the age they were and the time they lived in, it wasn't something that was readily accepted. It was just the young twenty-somethings partying.
It got to the point that my mom and he had to file for bankruptcy... he would go into the bars, buy rounds for the whole house, and put it on a credit card. This was back in the early 80s... he had around 15,000 worth of credit card debt that was almost all drinking related. He met J, my stepmom, while he was still married to my mom. J is a few years younger (four or five) and didn't really understand the situation. She knew he was married, about to have a baby, but in her defense, I'm pretty sure he fed her the "we're separated" type lines. Even my mom holds very few grudges against J.
He got better for a while around the time when I was in third grade or so... his parents gave him control of their last remaining restaurant (he and his brother's had already closed two down due to embezzling and poor management, but they thought he had finally cleaned up and grown up enough to deal with it), and he did well until I was about 16 or so. Then things started sliding. He started taking money for beer again, and drinking the beer in the restaurant. By the time I turned 18, he had closed the restaurant down. I have my speculations as to what happened, but it was essentially caused by his drinking.
Fast forward six years, and he's gone through 3 or four different jobs, only holding jobs for a max of a year or so before quitting. Or being fired, I'm not sure which. For a while he worked managing a gas station that sold beer, and I don't know if he quit, or got caught drinking the stock. It wouldn't really surprise me.
Prior to him entering rehab, the last time I had spoke with him was october of 2005. J finally called me crying (I had tried to get ahold of him, but couldn't, and finally gave up. I have my own family to worry about and take care of... sounds harsh, but this whole thing stresses me out, which isn't good, because my mental state right now isn't the best, to say the least) and put him on the phone. He was so trashed he couldn't follow a conversation. He sounded like a three year old with a speaking problem, and couldn't even follow his own sentences.
When I talked to him again, he told me that he was really hoping this place worked, that it was "his last hope" and that he needed this to work. And for a few months it seemed to, but this place he went to... if what he said they did is true, I don't know what the hello they're doing, but it doesn't seem right. Aversion therapy by giving the patients alcohol after some kind of medication? Seems weird to me. And not right. I have a hard time knowing if he's full of sh.it or if he was telling the truth.
When he isn't drinking, we talk weekly or more. He's a great conversationalist, very knowledgeable about all things technological, and we can talk for hours. Literally. The first month that we finally could talk without the strain of alcohol, my 1000 minute cell phone plan was exceeded so much our bill was almost 300 that month. Ouch, but I hadn't spoken with him in so long...
But about two months ago, a month and a half, somehting like that, I started having a hard time getting ahold of him again. When that happens, it generally means he's drinking.
My husband, myself and my girls went back to Washington State for a week about 2 weeks ago, and saw him and J. It was the first time I'd seen him in almost two years. But, even seeing him, I wondered if something was going on. It just seemed strange.. the whole interaction with him.
My grandparents want nothing to do with him when he's like this, which I don't blame them for, but I can't help but wish they helped try somehow... And that's how they've always dealt with him drinking, they ignore it. Pretend it isn't happening. Because nothing bad can happen in their family, nothing embarrassing is allowed to happen.
And I think he's embarrassed. I think that's why he doesn't even call when he's sober... And I'm 3000 miles away, unable to do anything.
I told J to disable his Jeep. To take out the battery to make sure he can't drive. I'm worried that he will get in, drive, and kill himself, or worse, kill some innocent bystander. I'm worried that eventually, he's going to have a psychotic break when he's drunk. He's gotten worse and worse over the years. He used to be a happy drunk, now he's an angry drunk, prone to verbal outbursts, inflicting wounds on himself, and throwing things. So I'm worried about my stepmother.
I've been trying to talk her into going to an open AA session...
She's worried... the last trip to Schick-Shadel still has them in debt. They have nothing left. They've sold everything they can to pay for his treatment, and she doesn't know what to do. So I'm trying to find them free/sliding scale assistence or federal funding. Of course, I don't have any money, or I'd try to help pay for rehab, to get him into a place that will really work... but... It feels like it's almost a lost hope.
So I need two types of information... what can be done for him, and what can be done for her. I told her she's going to reach a point, if he doesn't stop, that she may have to leave, or at least leave emotionally, and that I certainly would be there for her if she does. But... I'm really lost about all of this....
I'm really scared he's going to kill himself drinking.
lyssa
My step mother called me last night, my biological father is, surprise surprise, drinking again, just months after his latest rehab attempt. My stepmother is not computer savvy at all, and so I'm doing research, trying to find options for her, possible options for him.
That being said, there's so much junk info on the internet, I wanted to ask if anyone here has any resources, links, or anything else that could help. I want to pass on a bunch of information to her, but thus far the only thing I've come up with is that (surprisingly) there actually is federally funded rehab facitilities, but I can't even figure that one out.
When he was married to my mom, he was already an alcoholic, but being at both the age they were and the time they lived in, it wasn't something that was readily accepted. It was just the young twenty-somethings partying.
It got to the point that my mom and he had to file for bankruptcy... he would go into the bars, buy rounds for the whole house, and put it on a credit card. This was back in the early 80s... he had around 15,000 worth of credit card debt that was almost all drinking related. He met J, my stepmom, while he was still married to my mom. J is a few years younger (four or five) and didn't really understand the situation. She knew he was married, about to have a baby, but in her defense, I'm pretty sure he fed her the "we're separated" type lines. Even my mom holds very few grudges against J.
He got better for a while around the time when I was in third grade or so... his parents gave him control of their last remaining restaurant (he and his brother's had already closed two down due to embezzling and poor management, but they thought he had finally cleaned up and grown up enough to deal with it), and he did well until I was about 16 or so. Then things started sliding. He started taking money for beer again, and drinking the beer in the restaurant. By the time I turned 18, he had closed the restaurant down. I have my speculations as to what happened, but it was essentially caused by his drinking.
Fast forward six years, and he's gone through 3 or four different jobs, only holding jobs for a max of a year or so before quitting. Or being fired, I'm not sure which. For a while he worked managing a gas station that sold beer, and I don't know if he quit, or got caught drinking the stock. It wouldn't really surprise me.
Prior to him entering rehab, the last time I had spoke with him was october of 2005. J finally called me crying (I had tried to get ahold of him, but couldn't, and finally gave up. I have my own family to worry about and take care of... sounds harsh, but this whole thing stresses me out, which isn't good, because my mental state right now isn't the best, to say the least) and put him on the phone. He was so trashed he couldn't follow a conversation. He sounded like a three year old with a speaking problem, and couldn't even follow his own sentences.
When I talked to him again, he told me that he was really hoping this place worked, that it was "his last hope" and that he needed this to work. And for a few months it seemed to, but this place he went to... if what he said they did is true, I don't know what the hello they're doing, but it doesn't seem right. Aversion therapy by giving the patients alcohol after some kind of medication? Seems weird to me. And not right. I have a hard time knowing if he's full of sh.it or if he was telling the truth.
When he isn't drinking, we talk weekly or more. He's a great conversationalist, very knowledgeable about all things technological, and we can talk for hours. Literally. The first month that we finally could talk without the strain of alcohol, my 1000 minute cell phone plan was exceeded so much our bill was almost 300 that month. Ouch, but I hadn't spoken with him in so long...
But about two months ago, a month and a half, somehting like that, I started having a hard time getting ahold of him again. When that happens, it generally means he's drinking.
My husband, myself and my girls went back to Washington State for a week about 2 weeks ago, and saw him and J. It was the first time I'd seen him in almost two years. But, even seeing him, I wondered if something was going on. It just seemed strange.. the whole interaction with him.
My grandparents want nothing to do with him when he's like this, which I don't blame them for, but I can't help but wish they helped try somehow... And that's how they've always dealt with him drinking, they ignore it. Pretend it isn't happening. Because nothing bad can happen in their family, nothing embarrassing is allowed to happen.
And I think he's embarrassed. I think that's why he doesn't even call when he's sober... And I'm 3000 miles away, unable to do anything.
I told J to disable his Jeep. To take out the battery to make sure he can't drive. I'm worried that he will get in, drive, and kill himself, or worse, kill some innocent bystander. I'm worried that eventually, he's going to have a psychotic break when he's drunk. He's gotten worse and worse over the years. He used to be a happy drunk, now he's an angry drunk, prone to verbal outbursts, inflicting wounds on himself, and throwing things. So I'm worried about my stepmother.
I've been trying to talk her into going to an open AA session...
She's worried... the last trip to Schick-Shadel still has them in debt. They have nothing left. They've sold everything they can to pay for his treatment, and she doesn't know what to do. So I'm trying to find them free/sliding scale assistence or federal funding. Of course, I don't have any money, or I'd try to help pay for rehab, to get him into a place that will really work... but... It feels like it's almost a lost hope.
So I need two types of information... what can be done for him, and what can be done for her. I told her she's going to reach a point, if he doesn't stop, that she may have to leave, or at least leave emotionally, and that I certainly would be there for her if she does. But... I'm really lost about all of this....
I'm really scared he's going to kill himself drinking.
lyssa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry to hear of the problems.
First off,for you and your step-mother Alanon would be a good starting palce for the help you both need.
As far as rehabs, I have no information since my AH hasn't gone. There are free programs such as those thru the Salvation Army. But many of the As I know did just fine going to AA. The only important factor really is the desire of the A to change. Without that, nothing works no matter how much money you throw away.
First off,for you and your step-mother Alanon would be a good starting palce for the help you both need.
As far as rehabs, I have no information since my AH hasn't gone. There are free programs such as those thru the Salvation Army. But many of the As I know did just fine going to AA. The only important factor really is the desire of the A to change. Without that, nothing works no matter how much money you throw away.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can tell you from experience that if a person really isn't ready to quit, all the money you spend will be for nothing and you'll wind up broke while they continue on with their addictions.
I would RUN to the nearest alanon meeting and get help for yourself.
Your mom needs to get to one too. Encourage her.
I hope things work out for all of you.
I would RUN to the nearest alanon meeting and get help for yourself.
Your mom needs to get to one too. Encourage her.
I hope things work out for all of you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there Iyssa, welcome to this site.
I don't have access to the net when I'm at home. So I began to print off the stickies on the forum page to read at home (classics reading has some great ideas/links to other web sites). Also there is a great free course for healing the inner self that was posted by Minnie earlier today. The web address is www.innerbonding.com/index.lasso. You give in your email address and within a minute the send you the course to print and do at home.
Hopefully you can get some things from the computer to pass onto your mum/step mum. It may help them to start evaluating their own pain and begin to heal themselves. Then who knows, that may lead to therapy/Alanon, or even just being stronger within themselves.
Hope these ideas help, keep coming to chat with us. I can't describe to you just how inspiring and soul strengthening this place has been to me since I found it a week ago! xxxxxx
I don't have access to the net when I'm at home. So I began to print off the stickies on the forum page to read at home (classics reading has some great ideas/links to other web sites). Also there is a great free course for healing the inner self that was posted by Minnie earlier today. The web address is www.innerbonding.com/index.lasso. You give in your email address and within a minute the send you the course to print and do at home.
Hopefully you can get some things from the computer to pass onto your mum/step mum. It may help them to start evaluating their own pain and begin to heal themselves. Then who knows, that may lead to therapy/Alanon, or even just being stronger within themselves.
Hope these ideas help, keep coming to chat with us. I can't describe to you just how inspiring and soul strengthening this place has been to me since I found it a week ago! xxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Well......welcome Lyssa.....you have come to the right place hunny.
You need to know this:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
That is our mantra....now with having said that....HE is the only one who can help himself. He is a grown man..and fully capable to getting himself the help he needs or wants. And he is feeding you BS about the rehab that gives him alcohol. No such place....trust us on this. Unless he hits many many bottoms he won't quit. Why would he? He has all of you thinking and acting for him. All he has to do is cry and whine and his immediate needs are all met. Let him sink and fall all the way to the bottom. He has to go through this before he will even think of seeking any form of recovery on his own. It has to be HIM that does it hun. Not you...not J.....just him. All by himself. Sometimes the best way to help an alcoholic/addict is by NOT helping them at all. And once he learns that he doesn't have all of you in his corner any more he will lay the hugest guilt trip he can muster up to try an manipulate you into doing what he wants at the time. Don't fall for it. It will only drag out the process that he needs to go through. Good Luck and stick around here and learn. Read, read, and read some more. Knowledge is power. And this will save your sanity.
Janitw
You need to know this:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
That is our mantra....now with having said that....HE is the only one who can help himself. He is a grown man..and fully capable to getting himself the help he needs or wants. And he is feeding you BS about the rehab that gives him alcohol. No such place....trust us on this. Unless he hits many many bottoms he won't quit. Why would he? He has all of you thinking and acting for him. All he has to do is cry and whine and his immediate needs are all met. Let him sink and fall all the way to the bottom. He has to go through this before he will even think of seeking any form of recovery on his own. It has to be HIM that does it hun. Not you...not J.....just him. All by himself. Sometimes the best way to help an alcoholic/addict is by NOT helping them at all. And once he learns that he doesn't have all of you in his corner any more he will lay the hugest guilt trip he can muster up to try an manipulate you into doing what he wants at the time. Don't fall for it. It will only drag out the process that he needs to go through. Good Luck and stick around here and learn. Read, read, and read some more. Knowledge is power. And this will save your sanity.
Janitw
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