keepingmyjoy

Hi all...I am being torn apart between my daughter and husband. There is so much to explain it all, but in a nutshell:

AH is quiet, not drinking, being Mr. Cheerful, helpful etc. No real talking or anything, like roommates. (I think he is trying like heck to keep what he's got--I am his chauffuer to work). He is almost detached-doesn't even play with little guy unless he has to cause I am not there for whatever reason, and even then, probably doesn't.

Daughter wanted to come over and see her little bro this weekend. AH had hissy fit "where am I supposed to go/" Is not sorry for what he did to her (has devastated her by his actions and cruelty), and has said he will never appologize. I told her I was not able to handle it today--I am very down right now--and it would turn into a fight between them and I knew it. Had to protect little guy from seeing that!

This week, she has been more toxic to me than my AH. She is verbally abusive and has the whole "my life s***s, I will never be happy" thing going on. She is pushing the whole issue of how I should leave him right now. I remind her that I can't since I paid more than $3000 to get her set up and away from his drinking and so have nothing for myself right now to leave with. She keeps saying awful things like " I wish he were dead, I will kill him. I want him to suffer like he made me suffer. You need to leave him and cause him pain. He needs a shot gun in his mouth" etc etc etc.... some of the most vile things I have ever heard that I won't say here.....

I feel literally rripped apart and want to take little guy and disappear from my entire world right now! If I had family, I would. I feel like I am being ripped to shreads and I don't know what to do! No matter what I do, daughter is awful (already know codie problem there for me) and I am living in twilight zone w/ AH. I cannot discuss anything with him regarding her since he will say the same awful things about her to me!

I feel like I am on the edge of hyperventilating every minute....I want to scream "help me!" but I feel like no one will ever hear me! I am trying to help my self, and I have in many ways, but this pain is excruciating. I try to tell myself that so many others have it so much worse than I, but I am having a hard time getting thru this one. How do I distance myself from a toxic daughter (been one since 5 yrs old with training from her abusive father who I divorced many years ago) and still be a mom to her while she is in pain???

Please, anyone online, please talk to me....Thanks

WLDKATZ

Sweetheart are you SERIOUSLY ready to leave him?????? There are places that will help you and that will also help you with the issues you are trying to deal with as far as your daughter is concerned......you are doing the RIGHT thing by being concerned about you because you aren't worth anything to little man if you can't be there for you first!!!!!!

WLDKATZ

Also have you tried the therapy route??? Sounds like you could use it just as much as I do.......

LaTeeDa

It seems to me that some boundaries would help. Example (to your daughter): I will not dicuss my marriage with you. It is my business. And (to your husband): I will not discuss my relationship with my daughter. It's between me and her. Or whatever makes sense for you. You have the power to dissolve this unhealthy triangle by refusing to participate.

L

keepingmyjoy

I was ready to leave, then he actually quit drinking and that threw me off since I did not expect him to do that. So, I thought if he was peaceful, I could get myself together alittle before I left.... Can barely find time for a shower, much less a therapist...but I am starting to think I need to make the time....

Thanks so much for being here with me...I just want to cry my eyes out, thanks for listening

keepingmyjoy

Hi LTD, I did put up those boundaries. Daughter disregards completely and so I end up telling her that I can't talk anymore and hang up. So, I don't know how to be her mom and show her love when she walks all over me and my boundaries. When I told her this weekend that she could not come over and that it was MY choice, my boundary...she just goes off about how she can't even come to see her mom and little brother because of him and then starts the rant, then I hang up.

I really don;t know what to do!

LaTeeDa

It may seem hard to believe, but you are showing her love by refusing to perpetuate the unhealthy situation. Good for you for hanging up. Sometimes it takes a while before someone will respect your boundaries. And, I know how hard it is to keep sticking with it. Don't let her guilt you out of your boundaries. You are doing the right thing.

L

keepingmyjoy

THanks Anvil...I am not sure I can live with her...she can be pretty abusive and don't want little guy exposed to her filth at times. I am just heartbroken since I tried to get her away from him, got her set up in an old, but clean apartment so she could have peace. She is worse than ever!! She says the only thing that will help her is if I leave RIGHT NOW and hurt AH like he hurt her. I am struggling with the whole codie "I bled for you so you could be safe and that is not enough...what more can I do".

I feel like she is trying to control all the outcomes her way (this is a pattern for her), and like I said, right now, home is peaceful and so trying to take that time to get stronger... and I am not succeeding with this stress. I still have my own issues w. AH that should be addressed, nevermind hers!

keepingmyjoy

LTD..I think you are right about not letting her guilt me into crossing my own boundaries...thanks for the reminder. Guilt is so powerful. I feel so much like "I did this to her" when it was AH's drinking that caused this most recent situation. But she is mad at me for even being in a relationship with him at all ever.

God, it hurts.

LaTeeDa

((((kmj)))) I know how hard it is. I sometimes find myself taking responsibility for my teenage daughter's anger. It's what moms do. Esp. codie moms, LOL. Try to remember that her anger is hers to deal with, not yours. Doesn't mean you can't be there for her, but you don't have to take on responsibility for it. No more than you have to take on responsibility for your husband's drinking. Be gentle with yourself........

L

keepingmyjoy

(((LTD))) Thanks so much...I needed that reminder. You always help so much. Thank you

lostnfound1961

LTD,
I was ready to post but read all that you had posted and realized you said it all. We are all lucky to have you out there to calmly remined us where the path is when we get lost.

Keeping, I think LTD has got it right. Big Hugs and I'll be praying for you.
D

WLDKATZ

I wish I could tell you I am ready for a roomate............lol sorry that is the codependent comming out of me, I like making people quit hurting too......its hard to be in the middle but what is even harder is taking yourself out of the center...good luck and keep posting!!!



Pamm:ghug

mallowcup

Oh boy!, will my answer be unpopular. In my mind, your staying id a direct act of betrayal. I was that daughter once. Granted it was a long time ago. I bloomed in about 10th grade, something happened where I turned from being a zit faced, chubby kid into a hot little blonde apparently. Boys started paying attention to me. That was my take on it because I was the same girl inside. My father worked hard and drank hard and most of what we lost was because of his drinking including our house. My parents and five kids moved into a two bedroom trailer after we lost the house I was growing up in.
I was a preteen and was left in that cracker box to babysit the kids while my mother worked and had an affair and my father worked, had affairs and drank.
One night when when my parents were out, my uncle came by crap faced and pinned me up against the kitchen counter, I shoved him off and told him if he didn't leave I'd call his wife. I was there with just the kids and the next morning when I told my mother she said I should just forget it, I shouldn't make trouble.
When I was about 16, I was in my room down in the basement with my door slightly open. I was sitting at my vanity in my bra putting on make up home alone. Something caught my eye in the mirror and I looked into the mirror to see another uncle standing in my door way masterbating while he watched me. When he realized he had been caught, he pushed the door open and blocked the exit as if to posture, intimidate and seduce me. I was scared to death! I yelled at him to get out! He backed away stunned that this wasn't going to end his way. When I heard his car door close, I ran and locked the doors and called my mother who again said, "he was probably just drunk, he didn't actually do anything so just forget it".
I was forced to sit across from this pig at most holiday get togethers.
Nothing was ever said to either uncle. They continued to be invited over.
Well, I'm 51 now.
I know better now. I didn't know better then. When you keep someone around who has pierced your childs heart, you betray your kids. No man is worth that. I never felt safe, I grabbed on to any guy who acted like he cared for me at all.
Your husband has his chance and who cares where he goes for the weekend. He's the one who should have thought of that.
I think your daughter is being more nasty to you because the choice here isn't clear to you. There shoudn't even be a choice in her mind. Why are you driving him anywhere?

keepingmyjoy

(((mallowcup))) I am soo sorry for what you have been thru! And I am glad you have found a way to heal. My AH is not her father, but has always been the father figure in her life. He has never done anything like what you are describing happened to you. If you read my earlier posts, he is mostly verballly abusive when he drinks only. I am not justifying that either, just stating that is how it is.

He has done many good and wonderful things for her. He was the one along with me that held her and comforted her when she finally came out with the fact that her real father abused her and he has been a major support for her thru her entire life, bought her a car, offered to pay for college etc. Until recently. After his drinking got out of control, he said some really hurtful things that cannot be taken back.

I think in your post I can hear what you are trying to say to me. That I am still with him she views as a betrayal. As you know, there are so many more layers to this story and it is hard to convey the full situation in a short post. I got her out first...that was my priority #1. I protected her first since he while he was on this recent bender, she became some kind of a scapegoat. Little guy never saw any of the mess since he was usually sleeping when any of this happened. So got her out first. Then planning my escape. Then he stopped drinking. He is docile to the point of one of my earlier posts that I feel like I live in Stepford it is so weird. He is gentle and kind and helpful (who is this person????). So I am not trying to betray her, I am trying to save enough to leave. I have explained it to her, but nothing but my leaving is anything she will care about. But my concerns are that she does not want me to leave so that I have a better life, or little guy is away from his drinking, but to hurt him, make him suffer, cause him agony. I am so worried about her. I keep trying to get her to go to alanon with me, but she is wallowing and will not do anything to help herself, but only feed her anger.


And now, here I am with AH trying to save whatever--I have no idea what since he really doesn't talk to me about anything important. I am so torn that I can't even get my head on straight and I thank you for giving me something to consider.

keepingmyjoy

Oh, forgot to answer, why are you driving him anywhere?

I have been driving him for over 5 years now since we need his income to keep our house. His is not a job that he drives to the same location everyday. He is all over the place.

Driving him is one of our most huge issues right now. I posted in another post that I told him I needed him to get his lic back since I can't do it anymore. He is ignoring that, and that makes me resentful and angry. In order for him to get his lic, he has to go back to therapy, and he does not want to do that.

So, here is my cross road....If I stop driving him, we do not get his income. That might make it harder for me to save even alittle money to get out of here. That is why I am still driving him.

Makes me ill and makes me feel like I am just beating myself up!

Barbara52

That's a tough one. As long as you keep driving him, he has no real motivation to make the changes he doesn't want to make. But if you stop driving him, you lose the income.

Anyway you can find another alternative? A job for you? Someone he works with who can drive him? A taxi?

keepingmyjoy

I wish I could think of something so I do not have to drive him. Most times he works many many miles away so taxi is not option. Public transportation does not go to the job sites he works at....I am literally stuck.

I know that when I leave, he will have to figure it out. He really does do everything he can to avoid taking resonsiblility for his actions. He said some awful things about someone in his family, and now she has died. His own mother twisted his words and made them even more awful (Mother issues for him I think cause his underlying need to drink). So, he would not go to her wake last night. He said it was so that he did not cause a problem, but really, it was because he could not face what he said. This is a big pattern for him.

What a mess....I think I want to must move to another country and leave everything behind sometimes....

Barbara52

LOL My fantasies involve being a beach bum on a Carribean island.

queenteree

(((keepingmyjoy))) I can totally relate to your post. My daughter is not my AH's biological child, but since her father abandoned her when she was 4, he was the only father figure in her life. He stuck up for her in school, with the principals, when it was suggested that I locate her biological father and send her to live with him, even thru all that, he told her "If you don't want to go live w/your father, I won't let anyone send you there." She dropped out of school at 16, went to beauty school, moved out and lived with an alcoholic who she has her two kids by, she kicked him out (never to be seen again) got her GED and went to nursing school and then AH bought her a brand new car with the condition that she makes the payments (she had passed her nursing exam and agreed, just not in writing) against my better judgment, and he takes care of her kids when they need money for field trips for school, book and clothes money, etc. And what do we/he get in return - NOTHING!!!! She has yet (after 3 years) to make one car payment. She is the most ungrateful kid around who only cares about herself. If it were up to her, her kids would never have money for field trips or book fairs, but she has money for coffee and cigarettes! She has created drama and chaos in our lives beyond belief and still again this month took us for another $600 dollars (I was advancing her money till she got her first paycheck at her new job - has worked there over a month with supposedly no paycheck). Now she got paid yesterday, said it was for only 13 1/2 hours (mind you, I have been babysitting 3 nights a week overnight plus working a full time job and she has been conning me!!!!). AH said last night he is thru w/her, doesn't want her at our house, doesn't even want to know she exists. And you know what, he may be an A, but I can't blame him. He does what he has to do, pays the bills, supports us and her kids, and all she ever did was crap on us and him. She's mean and manipulative. She calls starting out w/ "I need you to do _____" and orders everyone around. Her own brothers haven't spoken to her in months. I know you want to be a good mother, I always gave my daughter the benefit of the doubt, but enough is enough. Your AH may have been wrong in how he handled the situation, but maybe it got to his breaking point. No one should make you feel this way. You have to do for you. Hope you feel better today. Terri