So alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
So alone.
Really I am.
I feel so.. lonely. I have noone.
I see and hear about something as small as 2 people spending time together. sleeping side by side, going for walks..being in a relationship... and I wish I had someone...
...I wish I had someone to give me a back massage... or to make me dinner... or cup cakes... or to give me a hug. tell me things will be ok.
Sometimes I think "i'll probably be alone forever.."
How do you I get past this deep deep lonelyness ? It is worse during times I used to spend with my ex-RABF. (Friday-Saturday nights) And during these times I feel I HAVE to be with him, like there is no other option...and I have serious urges to call and sometimes I even do call. :S I know that is so messed.
When will this end................................................ ............
I feel so.. lonely. I have noone.
I see and hear about something as small as 2 people spending time together. sleeping side by side, going for walks..being in a relationship... and I wish I had someone...
...I wish I had someone to give me a back massage... or to make me dinner... or cup cakes... or to give me a hug. tell me things will be ok.Sometimes I think "i'll probably be alone forever.."
How do you I get past this deep deep lonelyness ? It is worse during times I used to spend with my ex-RABF. (Friday-Saturday nights) And during these times I feel I HAVE to be with him, like there is no other option...and I have serious urges to call and sometimes I even do call. :S I know that is so messed.
When will this end
................................................ ............
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
First, (((pineapple))).
Now, the facts. Nothing is going to change until you change.
There are many things you could do to make your situation easier to work through, and sitting on your pity pot isn't one of them. (sorry)
If Friday and Sat nights are difficult, fill them with something. Make plans with friends, get out and do something else to fill the time so you aren't tempted to call or or trip down memory lane. Volunteer at a hospital or homeless shelter, take a weekend class, babysit for friends or family, something, anything!
Only you can change what is going on with YOU right now.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!
Good Luck
Now, the facts. Nothing is going to change until you change.
There are many things you could do to make your situation easier to work through, and sitting on your pity pot isn't one of them. (sorry)
If Friday and Sat nights are difficult, fill them with something. Make plans with friends, get out and do something else to fill the time so you aren't tempted to call or or trip down memory lane. Volunteer at a hospital or homeless shelter, take a weekend class, babysit for friends or family, something, anything!
Only you can change what is going on with YOU right now.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!
Good Luck
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
(((Pineapple))) i have no words of wisdom for you, i know all too well how you are feeling. I dread the weekends but so far i've been really really busy and when i get bummed out, i think that my exabf wouldn't want to do those things anyway and would complain so which is worse....a little lonely or have someone crab the whole time!!! You are sooooo young, get out there, flaunt your stuff young lady!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by pineapple2007 
Sometimes I think "i'll probably be alone forever.."
How do you I get past this deep deep lonelyness ?
How do you I get past this deep deep lonelyness ?
For me, I think it comes down to separating "being alone" and "being on my own." Being alone assumes that is a bad thing, that I have to be with someone in order to be a full person and happy with life. Being on my own for me means I accept that I have no partner living with me and that I am fully responsible for me.
Do I get lonely? Do I miss having someone who I could truly share life with? On some levels yes. On others, no. I know I need to do some me work before I can have a meaningful relationship with anyone else. As I go through this me work, I may decide I want to get into another relationship with a man again, I may decide I don't need that. At the moment I do know that any relationship with a man would be a big mistake since I am not ready.
I have some strong friendships and am working on developing more. That is one way I have begun to work past those times loneliness knocks at my door.
I am also working (and succeeding) on loving myself more and finding meaning and joy in my life as it is. I welcome this time without a man in my life and have come to view it as a positive development. I am mourning the loss of what I thought I had but recognize that what I really had was not good for me.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I went through something similar about this time last year.
I was having issues with my family, had left my hometown, and was single for the first time in years. I didnt really have a large social group of people to call and felt so alone.
I started forcing myself to go do things and get out of my house. Going to a coffee house, taking my dog to parks, drive around and see parts of town I hadnt seen, etc.
Its really hard but getting out and doing something got my mind off of my lonliness AND it allowed me to meet new people.
Some of it just takes time Pineapple. Im sorry you are hurting.
I was having issues with my family, had left my hometown, and was single for the first time in years. I didnt really have a large social group of people to call and felt so alone.
I started forcing myself to go do things and get out of my house. Going to a coffee house, taking my dog to parks, drive around and see parts of town I hadnt seen, etc.
Its really hard but getting out and doing something got my mind off of my lonliness AND it allowed me to meet new people.
Some of it just takes time Pineapple. Im sorry you are hurting.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
You've gotten so really good feedback. I have to agree. It sounds like you are on the pity pot, feeling sorry for yourself that you are all alone. Poor thing.
That line of thinking is going to keep you sad and miserable. Which can very easily lead you back to using. I used to think that I wasn't complete without a man at my side. I wasn't whole or whatever by myself. Or so I thought. With almost every situation in my life, I can turn it around to something positive. Rather than looking at being alone, like Barbara and others said, I'm using this time to work on me and getting to know myself. I started using at age 11, I was just a baby. I look at 11 year old now (even though in today's society seem to be so much more mature than I was at 11 and think, I was getting high at that age? I used for 32 years before I became clean AND sober. I feel like I emotionally stopped growing when I picked up. Therefore I never ended my childhood years before going into preteen, teenager, young adult and so on. I've used the last 2+ years to get to know who I am. Early in Recovery someone asked me describe myself. I said I have 1 child, a son who is 15, twice married and divorced, work as a . . . . I couldn't tell anyone who I was, because I didn't know. My whole identity was wrapped up in others.
Instead of saying things like "I have no one to share my meals with" I look on the flip side. I don't have to have dinner ready for someone at a certain time. If I don't want to cook, I don't have to! If I choose to lay around in my sloppy sweats all weekend and not even run a comb through my hair, I can. Sure, I miss having someone to hold me when I'm down or having that special man to call when something great happens and I can't wait to tell him. But I have substituted my new, true clean friends. My Sobriety date is July 25 2005. That first year I projected gloom, doom, and lonlines when the Holidays were getting close towards the end of the year. But I went to AA/NA Christmas parties, Thanksgiving dinners and the absolute best New Years Eve Party I had ever been to. I got very close to these friends and the intimacy that I shared with them was so much more fulfilling to me than the physical touch of someone who really may not have cared about me but only wanted to have physical contact. In the past I sought out someone who I felt I could share my need for intimacy with and they were on the same wavelength as I was. NOT! They had one thing on their mind.
The Holidays are coming up and AA/NA clubs around the world are making plans for parties and celebrations. Find out who is chairing these committees and volunteer there. I made many close friends doing this early in my Recovery. The club was having a spaghetti dinner and I got involved. I didn't have time to be lonley. And only about 25% of my time was actually involved in planning this dinner. I had people call and ask if I wanted to go to get a pizza, catch a movie, go sledding with them and their kids, watch a DVD. The opportunities are endless.
I'll close with one of my favorite sayings, "This too shall pass"
That line of thinking is going to keep you sad and miserable. Which can very easily lead you back to using. I used to think that I wasn't complete without a man at my side. I wasn't whole or whatever by myself. Or so I thought. With almost every situation in my life, I can turn it around to something positive. Rather than looking at being alone, like Barbara and others said, I'm using this time to work on me and getting to know myself. I started using at age 11, I was just a baby. I look at 11 year old now (even though in today's society seem to be so much more mature than I was at 11 and think, I was getting high at that age? I used for 32 years before I became clean AND sober. I feel like I emotionally stopped growing when I picked up. Therefore I never ended my childhood years before going into preteen, teenager, young adult and so on. I've used the last 2+ years to get to know who I am. Early in Recovery someone asked me describe myself. I said I have 1 child, a son who is 15, twice married and divorced, work as a . . . . I couldn't tell anyone who I was, because I didn't know. My whole identity was wrapped up in others.
Instead of saying things like "I have no one to share my meals with" I look on the flip side. I don't have to have dinner ready for someone at a certain time. If I don't want to cook, I don't have to! If I choose to lay around in my sloppy sweats all weekend and not even run a comb through my hair, I can. Sure, I miss having someone to hold me when I'm down or having that special man to call when something great happens and I can't wait to tell him. But I have substituted my new, true clean friends. My Sobriety date is July 25 2005. That first year I projected gloom, doom, and lonlines when the Holidays were getting close towards the end of the year. But I went to AA/NA Christmas parties, Thanksgiving dinners and the absolute best New Years Eve Party I had ever been to. I got very close to these friends and the intimacy that I shared with them was so much more fulfilling to me than the physical touch of someone who really may not have cared about me but only wanted to have physical contact. In the past I sought out someone who I felt I could share my need for intimacy with and they were on the same wavelength as I was. NOT! They had one thing on their mind.
The Holidays are coming up and AA/NA clubs around the world are making plans for parties and celebrations. Find out who is chairing these committees and volunteer there. I made many close friends doing this early in my Recovery. The club was having a spaghetti dinner and I got involved. I didn't have time to be lonley. And only about 25% of my time was actually involved in planning this dinner. I had people call and ask if I wanted to go to get a pizza, catch a movie, go sledding with them and their kids, watch a DVD. The opportunities are endless.
I'll close with one of my favorite sayings, "This too shall pass"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Think back Pineapple. What is it you used to enjoy/have fun doing? If you have to, think back to when you were a child and perhaps life was more simple. Did you like going for an ice-cream cone, or maybe a sundae perhaps with a cherry on top? Maybe you liked to draw, paint, take pictures? Perhaps walking in the fallen leaves and picking out special, birghtly colored ones to take home with you?
These are some of things that I used to enjoy, and, stopped doing somewhere along the way. Well guess what, I'll be another year older tomorrow and to celebrate, I plan on doing some of those things tomorrow, because I enjoy doing them.
Once I began rediscovering the simple things in life that used to give me pleasure, something wonderful happened. I started living for 'me' again, and doing the things that I love to do! Now I am alone, but, I'm rarely 'if ever' lonely! Would I like male companionship? Sure I would. But to be perfectly honest, I'm much, much happier giving things to myself that make me happy, for I don't have to compromise myself or sell my soul to get them!
Just think...what, not who, but WHAT makes Pineapple happy?
These are some of things that I used to enjoy, and, stopped doing somewhere along the way. Well guess what, I'll be another year older tomorrow and to celebrate, I plan on doing some of those things tomorrow, because I enjoy doing them.
Once I began rediscovering the simple things in life that used to give me pleasure, something wonderful happened. I started living for 'me' again, and doing the things that I love to do! Now I am alone, but, I'm rarely 'if ever' lonely! Would I like male companionship? Sure I would. But to be perfectly honest, I'm much, much happier giving things to myself that make me happy, for I don't have to compromise myself or sell my soul to get them!
Just think...what, not who, but WHAT makes Pineapple happy?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Make friends!!
I felt very lonely without a relationship (still sometimes do) but I started investing in my friends. I have come to realize they love me more than my ex did!
I have some gay guy friends who are great people and make great companionship bc they don't believe having a guy makes them complete (like I am working on).
There is a lot of love and intimacy out there, it doesn't all have to be from a man (actually my married sister doesn't think it should all be from a man).
I think it is helpful to expand your definition of love, intimacy and validation.
I felt very lonely without a relationship (still sometimes do) but I started investing in my friends. I have come to realize they love me more than my ex did!
I have some gay guy friends who are great people and make great companionship bc they don't believe having a guy makes them complete (like I am working on).
There is a lot of love and intimacy out there, it doesn't all have to be from a man (actually my married sister doesn't think it should all be from a man).
I think it is helpful to expand your definition of love, intimacy and validation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I know just how you feel.I feel all of these same ways.
I do agree that it helps for me to remember that when I was with him, it was usually pretty chaotic and exhausting. I always had to be the wind under him. I miss the good parts, but it is sadly dawning on me that its a fantasy that I am missing.
The fantasy is that he could be here and reciprocate,without it going south, and that dreaded feeling of WHEN it was going to hit the fan.
I feel for you---heck, I dont even have to feel for you, as I am feelin it myself, sister. Im sorry for us. But, we will make it through, and there is such a big world out there.
I do agree that it helps for me to remember that when I was with him, it was usually pretty chaotic and exhausting. I always had to be the wind under him. I miss the good parts, but it is sadly dawning on me that its a fantasy that I am missing.
The fantasy is that he could be here and reciprocate,without it going south, and that dreaded feeling of WHEN it was going to hit the fan.
I feel for you---heck, I dont even have to feel for you, as I am feelin it myself, sister. Im sorry for us. But, we will make it through, and there is such a big world out there.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It will end when you decide it's time for it to end, Pineapple. New people and partners don't just fall into our lives. We have to invite them in. I know it can be hard. I realize that I have serious fear of intimacy, but despite this fear I'm forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone and invite new people and new experiences into my life. If this old gal can do it, so can you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by serenityqueen
You've gotten so really good feedback. I have to agree. It sounds like you are on the pity pot, feeling sorry for yourself that you are all alone. Poor thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 48
Hi Pineapple, I don't post often but thought I would respond here. I understand this lonliness. Sometimes I feel this deep deep inner lonliness. Sometimes in a group of people, sometimes with friends, sometimes all alone, sometimes it wakes me at night and I just feel so so all alone. It can hit out of the blue or sometimes just builds up.
What to do about it? I wish I knew. I do know that when it hits hard with the deep deep feeling, that it will pass, even tho it doesn't feel like it at the time. I ask myself what I need to do to take care of myself right now and try to do that. When it isn't bad, I try to involve myself with activities that I enjoy and am with people that enjoy the same activities that I like. I journal. I read. I keep busy. I don't look to him for anything because he can't meet/won't meet my needs. I sometimes get to feeling pretty good then out of the blue, it will hit again and I feel so all alone.
My sister recently ( almost a year ago now) left her husband. And is now for the first time in her life alone. She has always been surrounded by friends, he got them... She keeps telling me how lonely she is. I wish I could help her, just as I wish I could help you. She lives a long ways away. I tell her to think of something she likes to do and find a club or meeting and even tho you are alone when you first go, soon you will meet people that enjoy doing what you like and if one place isn't right find another group of people. And when the deep deep feeling of loneliness hits... it will pass... you'll get thru it.... just take care of yourself during these times. I have found some special friends away from the world of alcoholism and tho at times I face the deep deep loniness, these times are coming less and less. I am finally getting better. Will it ever end? I don't know. I hope so for all of us who face this.
What to do about it? I wish I knew. I do know that when it hits hard with the deep deep feeling, that it will pass, even tho it doesn't feel like it at the time. I ask myself what I need to do to take care of myself right now and try to do that. When it isn't bad, I try to involve myself with activities that I enjoy and am with people that enjoy the same activities that I like. I journal. I read. I keep busy. I don't look to him for anything because he can't meet/won't meet my needs. I sometimes get to feeling pretty good then out of the blue, it will hit again and I feel so all alone.
My sister recently ( almost a year ago now) left her husband. And is now for the first time in her life alone. She has always been surrounded by friends, he got them... She keeps telling me how lonely she is. I wish I could help her, just as I wish I could help you. She lives a long ways away. I tell her to think of something she likes to do and find a club or meeting and even tho you are alone when you first go, soon you will meet people that enjoy doing what you like and if one place isn't right find another group of people. And when the deep deep feeling of loneliness hits... it will pass... you'll get thru it.... just take care of yourself during these times. I have found some special friends away from the world of alcoholism and tho at times I face the deep deep loniness, these times are coming less and less. I am finally getting better. Will it ever end? I don't know. I hope so for all of us who face this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hunny ..... I feel your pain...I think we all have and still do. Only time heals these kinds of pain. Do what you can - when you can for YOURSELF. I know its hard but it has to start somewhere or the pain will eat you up. You're worth more than that hunny. Don't sell yourself short okay. Live again, smile again. Life has to go on. Sometimes I don't think I can go another day or another minute but then I pull myself up by the bootstraps and force myself off this hill I live on and go find something to do even if its just a drive and a cup of coffee at some little shop I have never been to. Try to stay away from any trigger spots like places you used to go to...try new things. Its hard because we want and almost need these bad hurtful memories...I can't explain it but we for some reason need those memories. Time will make them all go away. You will see .... stay strong okay..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am not sure why, but occassionally people throw out a sarcastic jab here and there on this board.
I dont know why, but, I just take what helps and leave the rest. Maybe they cannot remember being this alone, or they cant face it,now, and are in denial, Maybe they dont WANT partnership in their lives. BUt they also may have a gem of wisdom in there for you. Serenity Queen also gave some great ideas for shifting your mindset.
Either way, I dont think its a pity pot you are on, I think and feel that this is a stage of grief. There is something that you lost. It may not have ever really existed, but it filled a void, and now the void seems gaping.
Hang in there. I have been having my number of good days outweigh my really bad ones, with a few terrible ones thrown in for good measure, but,it seems to be going on a slow incline toward normalcy.
You will start to crave the good stuff, and when you have contact, his disease will seem so huge, and, well, I am sure you will be fine. HuGS,b66
I dont know why, but, I just take what helps and leave the rest. Maybe they cannot remember being this alone, or they cant face it,now, and are in denial, Maybe they dont WANT partnership in their lives. BUt they also may have a gem of wisdom in there for you. Serenity Queen also gave some great ideas for shifting your mindset.
Either way, I dont think its a pity pot you are on, I think and feel that this is a stage of grief. There is something that you lost. It may not have ever really existed, but it filled a void, and now the void seems gaping.
Hang in there. I have been having my number of good days outweigh my really bad ones, with a few terrible ones thrown in for good measure, but,it seems to be going on a slow incline toward normalcy.
You will start to crave the good stuff, and when you have contact, his disease will seem so huge, and, well, I am sure you will be fine. HuGS,b66
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hey
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am in the same boat and can only offer you a huge HUG. What I have decided to do is imagine where i WANT to be and hopefully take some steps to get there. I imagine myself happy, doing things I enjoy, smiling and laughing and fully intend to get there. I am sure you will do too. The other thing I realise is that I would rather be happy with me myslef and I as opposed to living with all my past drama of the ex AB. Lots of love and hugs.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am in the same boat and can only offer you a huge HUG. What I have decided to do is imagine where i WANT to be and hopefully take some steps to get there. I imagine myself happy, doing things I enjoy, smiling and laughing and fully intend to get there. I am sure you will do too. The other thing I realise is that I would rather be happy with me myslef and I as opposed to living with all my past drama of the ex AB. Lots of love and hugs.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
It will end when you decide it's time for it to end, Pineapple. New people and partners don't just fall into our lives. We have to invite them in.
It's tough.
One thing I'm able to do without leaving my house which I've found helpful is I'm making my home a place which would be inviting to others. I'm slapping on coats of paint and cleaning out the clutter. I'm almost done - which is good since I just volunteered my house as a place for a pumpkin carving party later this month.
I'm not religious, but I've started hanging with a Catholic youth group (20-35 y.o's) who do things like ultimate frisbee (which I hate) and bowling (which I love). Either way, it's a couple small things which are a start.
Like hbb is about weekends - I took two days off from work and cried my way through them.
This is tough...but just try to take a couple small steps - even if it's just one. I know it's hard and I probably should follow my own advice more!
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Pineapple,
By no means was I trying to be sarcastic. I simply stated that instead of dwelling on your lonliness you were given alot of great ideas to help you out. I do apologize if you took offense to anything I said. I didn't mean it that way at all. I know when I have brought things up at meetings over the years sometimes I didn't like the way certain people gave me feedback. I took offense if someone didn't sugar coat situations. For myself in most situations that aren't comfortable I know if I sit around and dwell on a situation then the situation only seems to get worse. For example if I'm tired and I keep telling myself how tired I am, I seem to only get more tired. When my son was younger he would sometimes sit in a chair and tell me over and over again how bored he was. But he wouldn't do anything about it. The express "the pity pot" sounded horrible to me when I was first in Recovery, as well as feeling sorry for ones self. But they are both things that everyone does at one time or another throughout their life. Especially in Recovery. If I had a dollar for everytime someone told me to get off the pity pot the first 6 - 8 months I was in Recovery I could buy a new house.I hope you will realize that not everyone is going to reply with want you want to hear. Sure, I would love to be in a relationship with a man and have someone very special in my life. But I don't worry about if it's going to happen. If it's meant to happen it will happen. And not always when I want it to happen. Like the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want, . . . but if you try sometimes, you'll find, you get what you need." Maybe this is a perfect opportunity to go get the ice cream cone someone spoke of. Do the things you did years ago but using got in the way. Find closeness in other people that doesn't involve physical intimacy. Go for that walk in the fall leaves. This is your time to find yourself. We all have lost alot of ourselves through our addiction. And for me, one of the greatest parts of Recovery was getting to know who I was. Then I was able to realize that I'm not the piece of crap that I thought I was. In time, I learned to love myself. That my friend, is a special gift, loving ones self. I can't love anyone else until I love myself. I wish you much joy and happiness in your Recovery. Again, I meant no sarcasm in anything I said. I apologize if it was taken that way.
By no means was I trying to be sarcastic. I simply stated that instead of dwelling on your lonliness you were given alot of great ideas to help you out. I do apologize if you took offense to anything I said. I didn't mean it that way at all. I know when I have brought things up at meetings over the years sometimes I didn't like the way certain people gave me feedback. I took offense if someone didn't sugar coat situations. For myself in most situations that aren't comfortable I know if I sit around and dwell on a situation then the situation only seems to get worse. For example if I'm tired and I keep telling myself how tired I am, I seem to only get more tired. When my son was younger he would sometimes sit in a chair and tell me over and over again how bored he was. But he wouldn't do anything about it. The express "the pity pot" sounded horrible to me when I was first in Recovery, as well as feeling sorry for ones self. But they are both things that everyone does at one time or another throughout their life. Especially in Recovery. If I had a dollar for everytime someone told me to get off the pity pot the first 6 - 8 months I was in Recovery I could buy a new house.I hope you will realize that not everyone is going to reply with want you want to hear. Sure, I would love to be in a relationship with a man and have someone very special in my life. But I don't worry about if it's going to happen. If it's meant to happen it will happen. And not always when I want it to happen. Like the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want, . . . but if you try sometimes, you'll find, you get what you need." Maybe this is a perfect opportunity to go get the ice cream cone someone spoke of. Do the things you did years ago but using got in the way. Find closeness in other people that doesn't involve physical intimacy. Go for that walk in the fall leaves. This is your time to find yourself. We all have lost alot of ourselves through our addiction. And for me, one of the greatest parts of Recovery was getting to know who I was. Then I was able to realize that I'm not the piece of crap that I thought I was. In time, I learned to love myself. That my friend, is a special gift, loving ones self. I can't love anyone else until I love myself. I wish you much joy and happiness in your Recovery. Again, I meant no sarcasm in anything I said. I apologize if it was taken that way.
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