FormerDoormat

While the consequences of being (co-dependent) are not the same as driving while intoxicated, (co-dependents) die a little every time they (act) compulsively. The choice is the same for all of us--alcoholics, drug addicts, cigarette smokers, compulsive eaters, (co-dependents): Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me?

If I choose life, where do I need to heal? What are my secrets? What pieces of me have I been unwilling to recognize? What images, what nightmares, what words am I most afraid to speak?

--Expert from "When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy" by Geneen Roth.

I've substituted the words associated with eating and replaced them with co-dependency, another form of addiction, but the message remains the same....

cmc

Thanks FD,
This sounds like a good plan to me.

giz

FormerD,

This is just what I needed. I was looking for your amazing post about "What would God want for you?" and I guess it was fate to come across this one.

I'm battling this right now. My ex-abf plead guilty to violating the protection order and then went AWOL, not showing up at sentencing. The judge issued a bench warrant and I've had to push myself to not become an extension of the law and spend my valuable time trying to find him. Whether they find him or he turns himself in, he's going to jail.

Yes, every minute I spend on him is wasted. He took away my life, bit by bit, for 3 years. I'm so much stronger now being away from him. I started journaling my pain, my longing for him at first but more and more, my journal reflected anger and lists of why I disliked being around him, near him or thinking of him. My next step was to begin replacing him with positive people and I came up with this phrase to remind myself:

"I will prioritize positive people"

Everytime my thoughts wandered to him or another dysfunctional person in my life, I was able to repeat that mantra and get back to things that made me feel good and supported my goals for a better life.

Anyways, thanks for sharing because many of us codies don't verbalize our thoughts but seeing them on the computer screen forces us to confront them.

giz

DesertEyes

Very well said. Over here in my part of the world us codies do die from our disease. A few months ago one of the ladies from my al-anon meets was taken to the ER with chest pains. She had spent most of her life trying to get her alkie to quit. She died that night from a massive coronary.

Couple weeks ago another alanoid I knew was taken to the ER. She had not been taking care of her diabetes, too busy chasing her alkie around. She slipped into diabetic coma and died a few days later. Two alanoids at her bedside the whole time, her alkie was nowhere to be found.

Three years ago I was dragged into the ER with chest pains. I survived that one (obviously ) but I suspect it came about a decade or two sooner as a result of my own failure to look after _my_ health while busy with the addict in my life.

Us codies die too, it's just not as spectacular. They die in a crash, gunfight, or some such newsworthy manner. We die with a whimper, with somebody else's life flashing in our mind.

Thanx for the reminder, FD.

Mike

ICU

Love the whole message you posted FD! This in particular has spoken to me from the first time I saw it in your signature line…

Powerful words to live by!


Gee wiz giz…I could have written your post almost word for word! It’s funny how much alike our situation and views are!

I’ve taken this out of context a little bit, but, yeah, the ‘somebody else’s life flashing in my mind’ is always a good reminder for me to stay in tune with me!

Great posts everyone!

Rella927

FD truly inspiring post thank you for this!

What a great reminder that I need to look out for the most important person ME! Thank you Desert and ICU too!

CBrown

I will remember it every day like this ...
"We die a little every day with a whimper, with somebody else's life flashing in our mind."

That is how I feel every time my XABF invades my mind. I had a horse show to go to this weekend. I left Friday at 11 a.m. to meet the others and as I was driving I was thinking all the things I wouldn't be able to monitor, to snoop on, to gossip about, concerning HIS life. Our pastor has been doing a great series on the Holy Spirit (or your HP's spirit) being an actual physical being with us. I equate it to my "non-imaginary friend" and when I call upon my HP's spirit to "sit a while with me" I pour out my feelings, fears, and concerns to Him. I sat there driving and put it all on His shelf of things to do or worry about.

Wouldn't you know I had the most peaceful weekend, because I had told myself and my HP that I was leaving it in His hands to deal with while I was away? I had a great time with my friends, enjoyed the Fall scenery, and some nice quiet time. There was virtually no cell phone service, no internet access, just the beauty of my surroundings and good friendship. Oh, and some lovely blue ribbons to bring home too!

I came back last night and I really longed for that peace again. I went through my emails, and the heaviness and stress came back until late this morning. I don't want that feeling in my life. Here, thinking "what should I be doing?" I die a little bit. Well, there's actually nothing I CAN do, so I may as well learn to embrace the peace here too. He's frankly not worth dying over.

ARealLady

Three years ago I was dragged into the ER with chest pains.

It took me a while but I recognized the constant presence of abdominal pain as a sign that I was putting too much into a relationship with a person (XABF) who was giving nothing back to me. I guess that's part of the "sick and tired of being sick and tired", classic codie illness.

ARL

FormerDoormat

I love it when I get side-tracked and I revert to my old, familiar codie ways and Mr. Christian, Jazzman, or ICU pop in to give me a gentle kick in the butt and remind me to "get busy living." Actually, I love all you guys.