mother-in-law
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 15
mother-in-law
oh, i am so upset right now. my husband is in the hospital for detox, before that out of the house for 3 months. on the street, not working, staying at differant peoples(other addicts) houses. my sister in law called me to ask what "we" are going to do about him when he gets out. mind you, i have told her he cannot live with me anymore. i told her its not up to me, its his call. 5 minutes later she calls and says "mom wants to talk to you" she proceeded to tell me to take my daughter(and his) to the phsych ward to see him in her homecoming dress. i said no way!
she told me i met him in bar and i knew what he was then. never mind he has gotten worse over the years(16). then she told me i never loved him! i just spent 16 years of my life taking care of him a baby in a mans body. i hung up on her, i dont think i can have anything to do with her or my sister in law anymore. the day before, she said i was a daughter to her, now that she knows im not taking her son back unless he proves for years that he is changed, she hates me! anyone have this experience?
they are all enablers
she told me i met him in bar and i knew what he was then. never mind he has gotten worse over the years(16). then she told me i never loved him! i just spent 16 years of my life taking care of him a baby in a mans body. i hung up on her, i dont think i can have anything to do with her or my sister in law anymore. the day before, she said i was a daughter to her, now that she knows im not taking her son back unless he proves for years that he is changed, she hates me! anyone have this experience?
they are all enablers
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: shelby twp
Posts: 14
um. yes, not me personally but someone very close to me. The mother in law is wondering why the person i know is soo depressed. we'll maybe her AH has made her soo depressed. they say she is not positive, well i wonder why
hang in there and take care of yourself
hang in there and take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, not exactly the same experience, but my MIL did try every manipulative trick in the book to get me to take back my husband. When none of it worked, she finally (thankfully) left me alone. I am now persona non grata to my in-laws and I like it that way. 
They are toxic to me.
Let his mom take him in if she is so worried about him!
L
They are toxic to me.Let his mom take him in if she is so worried about him!
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My As mom is my sons' active and generous grandma.
She was raised by alcoholics, and she married a bum alcoholic like her son, who apparently taught her son how to be a man(his definition).
She is embarrassed by her own life choices, and she encourages me to hold my ground, to move on, and to practice tough love with her son...MOST OF THE TIME;
Every once in a while she throws out there that she feels if I was nicer to him, he would probably want to change more, and I have to remind her how well that worked for her with her husband who she is still with, threatening to divorce him every other month for the last 10 years.
She also has, to her credit expressed that when I do what is right for me and my son to protect us, she feels inadequate in the way that she handled her life as a young mother. She has been honest with me in expressing that sometimes she is jealous or bitter that I am taking this path and she did not have the strength..Then she vascillates to being very supportive, and knows its the best, and knows from the experience.
just sharing...
She was raised by alcoholics, and she married a bum alcoholic like her son, who apparently taught her son how to be a man(his definition).
She is embarrassed by her own life choices, and she encourages me to hold my ground, to move on, and to practice tough love with her son...MOST OF THE TIME;
Every once in a while she throws out there that she feels if I was nicer to him, he would probably want to change more, and I have to remind her how well that worked for her with her husband who she is still with, threatening to divorce him every other month for the last 10 years.
She also has, to her credit expressed that when I do what is right for me and my son to protect us, she feels inadequate in the way that she handled her life as a young mother. She has been honest with me in expressing that sometimes she is jealous or bitter that I am taking this path and she did not have the strength..Then she vascillates to being very supportive, and knows its the best, and knows from the experience.
just sharing...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Mother-in-law & sister
Hi Sue,
When my second husband was arrested for child sexual abuse with our daughter, his mother and one sister absolutly refused to believe that he would do anything like that. Then they started on me about this couldn't be his child...that I must have cheated on him. I already was so enraged, that it was a good thing they lived a long way from me.
My husband admitted to it to the prosecuting attorney and sheriff officers right in our kitchen. I spun my wheels for a while but did everything to keep my daughter safe. I did divorce him and he was in sexual offender group therapy for four and a half years. He wasn't allowed to speak to or see his daughter all this time. He had an extra year and a half counseling because his counselor told me, "he doesn't think he has done anything that bad."
My older kids were on their own and my 14 year old son was living with his dad so I moved across state from my soon to be EX to be near my son and the older kids. It was a horrible experience until I moved. He would get drunk and call me. He would follow me at night in my car....he even followed the school bus once but the sheriff's department couldn't do anything with the restraining orders unless they saw him doing what he was doing. He was on probation and even his probation officer didn't believe me when I told him what my h was doing. I finally just unpluged my phone and didn't go anywhere after dark. I waited to move until the school year was over and kept working until the end of June, 1984. The house had to be sold before it went into foreclosure since my take home pay was only $600 a month...my h was court ordered to make the house payments until the divorce was final but he didn't do it.
It was so horrible the way his mother and sister treated me. I just stopped communicating with them and told them why. I said they could call my daughter if they wanted to keep in touch with her and they did.
Then I had to deal with EX-h when he came for supervised visits here in Eastern Wa where we had moved to. It was again court ordered for him to have supervised visits only and he either had to hire someone form the Children's Program Services or I could do the supervision. I chose to do it but wished I hadn't because I couldn't stand to see him with his daughter....I cringed each time he put a hand on her head or shoulder.
Many years have gone by and my daughter is 30 now and just got married. Her Dad died from a heart attack several years ago. But it never leaves my mind totally. Something always brings it into focus every once in a while.
I am proud of you and the courage you have to say No! It is one of the hardest things to do to someone you have loved. My counselor told me I hadn't resolved a hate/love situation with my EX. I told her I didn't love him anymore but had confusing feelings for him besides the rage and hate.
Keep up the good work,
kelsh
When my second husband was arrested for child sexual abuse with our daughter, his mother and one sister absolutly refused to believe that he would do anything like that. Then they started on me about this couldn't be his child...that I must have cheated on him. I already was so enraged, that it was a good thing they lived a long way from me.
My husband admitted to it to the prosecuting attorney and sheriff officers right in our kitchen. I spun my wheels for a while but did everything to keep my daughter safe. I did divorce him and he was in sexual offender group therapy for four and a half years. He wasn't allowed to speak to or see his daughter all this time. He had an extra year and a half counseling because his counselor told me, "he doesn't think he has done anything that bad."
My older kids were on their own and my 14 year old son was living with his dad so I moved across state from my soon to be EX to be near my son and the older kids. It was a horrible experience until I moved. He would get drunk and call me. He would follow me at night in my car....he even followed the school bus once but the sheriff's department couldn't do anything with the restraining orders unless they saw him doing what he was doing. He was on probation and even his probation officer didn't believe me when I told him what my h was doing. I finally just unpluged my phone and didn't go anywhere after dark. I waited to move until the school year was over and kept working until the end of June, 1984. The house had to be sold before it went into foreclosure since my take home pay was only $600 a month...my h was court ordered to make the house payments until the divorce was final but he didn't do it.
It was so horrible the way his mother and sister treated me. I just stopped communicating with them and told them why. I said they could call my daughter if they wanted to keep in touch with her and they did.
Then I had to deal with EX-h when he came for supervised visits here in Eastern Wa where we had moved to. It was again court ordered for him to have supervised visits only and he either had to hire someone form the Children's Program Services or I could do the supervision. I chose to do it but wished I hadn't because I couldn't stand to see him with his daughter....I cringed each time he put a hand on her head or shoulder.
Many years have gone by and my daughter is 30 now and just got married. Her Dad died from a heart attack several years ago. But it never leaves my mind totally. Something always brings it into focus every once in a while.
I am proud of you and the courage you have to say No! It is one of the hardest things to do to someone you have loved. My counselor told me I hadn't resolved a hate/love situation with my EX. I told her I didn't love him anymore but had confusing feelings for him besides the rage and hate.
Keep up the good work,
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
Oh, yes! I know this all too well. I feel sorry for anyone else who goes through this with their in-laws, it has cause me not to have any relationship with her, I will not be subject to blame when I think she is really feeling guilty with in herself for her parenting role. I know how hurtful it is, when you look and ask for help only to get a e-mail with a list of "things" she observed while at our house that could cause her son to drink so much.....but then turn around and say she is not blaming me....don't get it. I think the only way to handle it is no contact...it serves no purpose but for us to be upset and feel guilty that it is somehow something we are doing that would cause them to drink so much and basically abanden their families.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Most people who love an alcoholic are just like us, they just want to find a way or someone who will make it all stop and have a happy ending. His mother is speaking from her heart and you can certainly hear her frustration. She wants him to see his daughter in her homecoming dress with hopes he will be so overcome he'll never touch a drink again. You were an opportunity for him and he blew it.
I stopped having conversations with people who did that to me....there were many from my exs family.
I am ashamed to say that I did have an affair after years of neglect and once I did, the whole focus of his drinking shifted to me. They used revisonist history to make excuses for his drinking. "My God!, why wouldn't he drink, she is cheating on him!"
Cheating on who? Speaking of cheating!
I had dated a guy in high school who married the girl down the street. They returned to the area on occassion. This guy was jogging past my house and heard me crying and pleading for my ex to stop hurting me and hitting me. He had me pinned on the floor hitting me in the head. This guy came right in the house and pulled him off of me, punched him and then lectured him about treating me that way. He was so kind and no matter how wrong it was, he saved my life that day. My husband was a tall skinny drunk who was always agitated and dangerous.
The guy who stopped him from hurting me was a big strapping handsome guy.
My exs family kept trying to tell me how horrible I was to be attracted to a guy like that.
What kind of guy comes into another mans home and interferes? What?
Anyone and everyone who tried to lead me away from their son was an evil doer. If they would just help him instead of judging him, it would all be better.
I lived this way for longer than I should have. They also accused me of not praying hard enough.
I would sever all ties with al of them. You can not help what they can not understand.
I stopped having conversations with people who did that to me....there were many from my exs family.
I am ashamed to say that I did have an affair after years of neglect and once I did, the whole focus of his drinking shifted to me. They used revisonist history to make excuses for his drinking. "My God!, why wouldn't he drink, she is cheating on him!"
Cheating on who? Speaking of cheating!
I had dated a guy in high school who married the girl down the street. They returned to the area on occassion. This guy was jogging past my house and heard me crying and pleading for my ex to stop hurting me and hitting me. He had me pinned on the floor hitting me in the head. This guy came right in the house and pulled him off of me, punched him and then lectured him about treating me that way. He was so kind and no matter how wrong it was, he saved my life that day. My husband was a tall skinny drunk who was always agitated and dangerous.
The guy who stopped him from hurting me was a big strapping handsome guy.
My exs family kept trying to tell me how horrible I was to be attracted to a guy like that.
What kind of guy comes into another mans home and interferes? What?
Anyone and everyone who tried to lead me away from their son was an evil doer. If they would just help him instead of judging him, it would all be better.
I lived this way for longer than I should have. They also accused me of not praying hard enough.
I would sever all ties with al of them. You can not help what they can not understand.
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