LaTeeDa

You are absolutely getting the hang of it! Awesome.

One other thought I had about giving too many specifics about what HE needs to do. It can backfire on you. For instance, if you say something like no drinking for three months, most alcoholics I know could probably abstain for a certain amount of time just to get what they want. Then, the cycle would start all over again. And we (the codie) take them back because 'well, that was the deal.' Bottom line I guess is don't make any deals. Reserve your right to decide what you will and won't do based on how you feel about the circumstances, not some pre-defined agreement.

L

Lady BlueMiles

La:
Thanks so much for your reply. It does help lots. Clearer thinking makes all the difference in how we word things!

It's about how his behavior affects you, not even necessarily how his drinking affects you. So, a true boundary is not--you must stop drinking.

This is so TRUE. I've always thought of it as the drinking and not the behaviour. It's his the ranting, raging, verbal attacks and irrational thinking that affects me. I've been around lots of people that drink and it doesn't bother me a bit. But with him, I see a beer in his hand and associate it with what's to come. Alanon has helped but detachment only goes so far. It's hard to feel detached from someone when they're screaming in your face and you can't find peace or comfort in your own home. I want peace and serenity.

For one thing, you may not know the best way for him to tackle his own problems. That is up to him to figure out. All you have to figure out is what you cannot live with, and what YOU are going to do about it.

I totally agree. I don't know. I'm on the learning curve when it comes to codependency and alcoholism and I'm having enough trouble dealing with my own dependancy issues. I wouldn't want the responsibility if it were an option. I'm all good with leaving that up to him and his HP. My focus at this point is how to avoid being manipulated.

I will re-evaluate the situation in 6 months. I did that just so he would stop expecting everything to be okay after 2 or 3 days.

You and Barbara really helped me on this one. This is where I botched up but this is what I was shooting for. I want to stop this cycle. I want him to know my boundaries are still in place whether he follows through on his words or doesn't. I want him to know he can't change my boundaries by what he says.

It's so hard. You've been a big help.

Lady BlueMiles

Keepingmyjoy:

I want to thank you for this thread. I've really needed to work on making boundaries right now and it's been a struggle. It seems like we could trade husbands for a day and not even notice the difference our lives seem so much alike. (but I don't have a little guy and my AH isn't making that much money LOL.)

It's becoming more important to me lately to make and express my boundaries. Maybe because I'm changing and leaving him inside of me to the point I can't hide it from him anymore.

Anyways thanks for sharing. It's helped me alot.

keepingmyjoy

Lady and Barbara and LaTeeDa and Embraced:

Thanks to you guys too! I so enjoyed everything you said. Even thought I put my boundaries out there, I can see they may change too and I had the same questions as you did Lady! Thanks for bringing them up. And yes, I do think we could trade husbands and not notice...I thought so every time I read one of your posts!!!

I liked being reminded that it's the behaviors of the drinking that I cannot live with and that affect me. And, it is hard to tell them your boundaries and not tell them what they need to do! When he told me that he would stop drinking for 28 days and see what happens and if he can't stop for 28 days, he will go get help, that threw me for a loop! My first instinct was to say...no, I want you to go get help NOW. But I didn't say anything. But I did get scared....like, oh crap, I am just prolonging the rollercoaster ride!

Right now he is doing everything he can to keep his life together. He appears to not have drank since he said that this past weekend, and he is working all around the house and doing dishes and being MR. Helpful! The funny part is, like another thread recently noted, it just annoys me! HAHAHA I have to laugh...Here he is trying, and all it does is **** me off! And I think that this is really my problem too in the sense that I expect the worst, and I suspect his motives. I believe this comes from my lack of self esteem and other issues of my codependence... and since he is really not capable of true love right now being so "pickled", I figure he is just trying to keep what he's got! So I am just trying to enjoy the peacefulness of it for now, day by day, and use the time to get stronger and detaching and keep getting ready for my future, whatever it turns out to be (likely separate from his).

You guys are so great! Thanks so much...I am so glad we have the internet to find each other and thanks SR for being there!

CBrown

"When he told me that he would stop drinking for 28 days and see what happens and if he can't stop for 28 days, he will go get help."

You and I had the exact same "deal" offered and we had the exact opposite reactions! I really expected R to keep to his word. He seemed so serious about making the effort! The only difference in the deals was that I said "and if you do not succeed, we'll do it my way." I should have remembered R always said "if you tell me not to do something, it makes me want to do it more." I should have asked him what HE intended to do to keep his word instead of saying I would take control. Doggone it. Anyway, when R binged the following weekend, he walked and that was that. I kept my boundaries, so that is a big win for me, but he has turned out to be the loser in the deal.

How many days is your AH on? I sure hope and pray for both of you he stays on program!

keepingmyjoy

Claudia, I am not too confident the outcome won't be the same as yours. He started off saying he would stop and then sneaked his drinking in at work and other times. So last weekend is when I really clarified the boundaries. So really, he has only gone a couple of days, not even a week. But I think he sees finally that I mean it because in my conversation I told him that since I cannot live with his behavior when he drinks, if he chooses to drink, then I will have choices that I will have to make. He is not willing to do AA or any type of counseling so we shall see, right?

CBrown

Yes, you are right. I held my ground with the help of one my XABF's XGFs of all people! She really opened my eyes to R's background of lies, deceptions, and lifelong alcoholism. She found her freedom from being a codie three years ago and was very sympathetic and helpful with my situation. I held my boundaries and there is great strength in that! Funny how when you do, the A no longer has any use for you. I still wish him well, hope and pray that he finds salvation from his demons, but he has no power in my life (praying I don't eat my words in the future).

keepingmyjoy

What happened to make him leave, if you don't mind my asking? When he started to drink again, what did you do? I ask because some here don't say anything and make their plans etc/ Just curious since I may have to face what you did....

gypsyrose

I got clear about my boundaries a year ago last Spring and things had actually been progressing relatively well over the last year. Things weren't perfect but I was feeling good about my life. I'm not sure why things are being so difficult now. I honestly don't know if he's drinking again... or looking for an excuse to perhaps? Or maybe it's related to the benzos? Job related stress? I don't know. All I know is I can only take a certain amount of challenging behavior from him before it starts to get to me and that boundary is getting walked on. In my mind, I can see him walking back and forth on the fence, trying to decide which side to jump off... I knew I should have put barbed wire up there That's okay, I've got you all hanging out with me on my side of the fence.

Not speaking to each other the last few days has helped immensely. No talking=no fighting. I feel a lot better but I know it's not a long term solution.

Tomorrow, my boys and I are off to visit friends for the weekend. We're going to a Celtic music festival and to play miniature golf and to eat chocolate cake... in honor of our children's birthdays. Their birthdays are all so close together, we decided to celebrate them together. They like each other so much they call each other, "the brothers with the other mothers." I'm looking forward to a great weekend.

Hope you all are as well.

gypsyrose

No matter what my boudaries are, I'd need to get a court order before my AH would leave this house.

CBrown

"What happened to make him leave, if you don't mind my asking?"

First, we weren't married, he claimed we were "engaged." I live in Ohio, he lives in the Keys, and I would spend 5-6 days a month in the "den of iniquity" marina where his boat is docked. He wanted me to move and I would not move in with an addict and leave my family here. The plan was for him to "wean" himself over the 28 days down to 1. The first couple of days he sounded sober during the day, but oddly he didn't call me at night before bedtime anymore (huh! wonder why?). Then that weekend was the binge in Key West and orgy in the car on the way home (claims he was not a part of it, right). Anyway, things became very strained on the phone because his drunken sense of morality does not match mine, especially when two people are supposed to be in a committed relationship. Anyway, he "left" by not calling me. Now technically, we only have a phone silence going on, but because I know most of what he is up to through various sources, I know he's taken up with the X marina barwench again. Apparently there are two of us with rings on now, and it seems he ordered a third (accident or another woman?) also. Truthfully, hearing about the continuing insanity of his life keeps me on track being thankful that I'm NOT in his life and kept me from answering the phone when he last called.

To finally answer your question, though, as to what made him leave? Me holding my ground. One conversation ended with me repeating over and over "what about US? huh? I thought it was going to be about US, US, US." He hung up on me. Every conversation degraded to him repeating the Key West sexploit stories or about his promises not to drink, which he was breaking and badly. It was holding him ACCOUNTABLE to his word that made him "leave." Oh, and my failure to book our trip to London put him over the edge. He would ask daily "have you done ANYTHING to book the trip to London" and I would repeat "I have told you four days in a row that I will not go on a pub crawl with you. Until I see that you have embraced sobriety, I will not travel with you. I will not be present with you when you either cause a scene or have a heart attack on a transatlantic flight."

And since then his life has revolved around "I'll show YOU what I can and cannot do." Last I heard he had booked the trip with the former X, now current lucky woman. Let her deal with his tirades and poor health.

keepingmyjoy

Gypsy...I feel your pain about his leaving! Mine is sole owner of "His" house and so he won't leave it when it comes down to it. Yep, just gotta keep living--your boys sound great!

Claudia, wow...good for you! I am impressed. I guess that is the real thing....just gotta hold your ground! Thanks for telling me. I inspires me to do the same.