wpgwoman

Finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I have to start a new life without my A. This does not mean that I no longer love him, I just can't live like this anymore. I am feeling a sense of loss and a pain in my heart that I have never experienced before. The intensity of it is overwhelming.

I have written recently that he has improved greatly over the past year. I have trusted my gut and knew those times it spoke to me he binged while away from home. Of course they all skillfully lie to cover it up. He has now admitted these times.
He has agreed to be out by the end of the month. I was heartbroken, but for the first time in our entire relationship, I did not backtrack. I said OK. I added that this was going to be a very sad time in all of our lives.

Yesterday, he called me at work to tell me that he does not want to have to leave his family. I told him that I did not see any other option. Our need to lead two totally different kinds of lives was no longer something I could live with. His next words floored me. "I have a problem and I need to get help for it. I realize that I lie because of booze and drugs." Never in seven years has he admitted much of anything, let alone something so serious. Even though he hasn't drank in my presence or even come drunk, he never agreed that he had a problem. Which leads me to my dilemma.

He sparked a tiny bit of hope that I did not want. It is causing great turmoil inside of me. I had made a list of what I thought were boundaries, but never shared them with him because I just gave up. If I choose to support him in this quest, he must adhere to these boundaries. My problem is that I don't know how to word them correctly or incorporate them properly into a conversation. Tact is not always my strong suit.
I can't just blurt out that you will not drink anymore. There has to be a more tactful way to phrase these boundaries so my words do not sound like I am attacking him. As well, I would like to articulate what will happen if he crosses these boundaries.

I know there are alot of you out there that have been where I am at this point in my life. I really need the wisdom of your experience right now. I do not know for sure if this is even something I want to do, I just feel that I want to be prepared. You never know, it my be a learning experience for my life down the road.

Thanks in advance.

guineapigjude

Boundaries have always been so tough for me. Even in "setting boundaries" I have spent hours obsessing on what to say and how to say it so no one gets hurt. (Of course, that didn't include me.) After years and years of worrying about how my words effect others, the light finally dawned ... Now I make a conscious decision as to what my boundaries are, and state them simply, directly, and firmly.
How people take my boundaries is up to them. I am not responsible for how they allow themselves to feel, any more than they are responsible for how I feel. And, when dealing with an addict, it frankly doesn't matter how you express yourself ~ they will take it what ever way they will.
Be honest and true to yourself. In the final analysis, that's all that counts.

Barbara52

Try phrasing your boundaries soley in terms of what you need in your life. For instance, rather than saying "you cannot drink" say "I cannot be around someone who drinks."

ICU

Boundaries, both identifying and setting were difficult for me as well. I think I got a little confused too when deciding upon if I truly needed to communicate them to my ex, or other people, as well. I guess it's personal as to how you choose to handle it.

Although I did state that if my ex continued to drink, we would no longer be together. It was tough, but I did stick to my guns on that one, eventually.

But in reality, I needed to define them in my mind....saying to myself, "if he is drinking, I will leave the house", "if he is threatening me with bodily harm, I will leave the house". (We are no longer together)!

Now, with other people in my life, I have a set of what I consider to be acceptable behavior towards and treatment of me, and, what is unacceptable.

I find that for example, when my Dad is angry and spewing his venom, I will leave his house, or if on the phone with him at the time, I will excuse myself and hang up. I haven't really said much to him preparing him for my pending actions, but rather I just 'do' the action. Actions do tend to speak very loudly! And quite frankly, I think he's beginning to sense a change in me. I think it's been a couple of months now since he last 'spewed'! I have found that to be working for me.

So, it's up to you as to whether or not you want to find the right words to convey this to him, or, if you prefer, to have them clearly set in your mind, and back it up with actions. If you are worried about wording them in fearing that they might be construed as 'attacking', taking the action totally eliminates the supposed 'attack'.

I don't know if that helps or not. It's just my way of handling it.

embraced2000

setting boundries were foreign to me in the beginning. when my fellow al-anonians would discuss boundries, i just was totally lost. i didn't understand them at all.

when i finally decided to try to set a boundry, i picked one thing that i could not tolerate, one that was devastating to me. that boundry was that when he was drinking and on a rampage, he would threaten suicide. so i told him that if he ever threatened that again, i would call 911.

and i followed through. everytime it happened, i would call 911, the ambulance would come, he would go to hosp., and from there into detox. most of the time, he wound up in jail to after he detoxed, he got tired of waking up in a padded cell, so he quit threatening suicide. course, i paid for this with his actions towards me, but i didn't care.

at least i didn't have the burden of wondering if he were going to do it.....i knew he was in a safe place for the time being.

from there, the boundries begin to flow. and it became so easy to set boundries for the things that were turning my life upside down. it stopped the chaos.

doing so, however, had consequences. i had to be real tough to handle the consequencs and accept them.....for example....sometimes my boundries made things worse for me because he could be abusive verbally and sometimes very threatening physically.

i found out that with an abusive person who is also alcoholic, setting boundries could be dangerous to myself. i had to remove myself from the situation for my own safety.

i don't know how to post someone elses posts, but IO STORM (i think that is the name) posted an excellant post about what i'm talking about. please try to look up her name and click on it, and look for the post. it was very enlightening for someone that has an abusive mate.

best to you

Mr. Christian

Actions speak louder then words.
Many times people will tell you what you want to hear to get out of the doghouse.
Alcoholic or otherwise.
I say you stick to your guns, you tried it his way.
How’s that working for you?


AA and walking the walk should be the only ticket for you to look back. After a good year of being sober and changing behavior, is a good sign of someone being serious.

Lady BlueMiles

Being able to enforce your boundary is critical. One night last week at 5:00 am in the wee hours of the morning I expressed a boundary that I can enforce. AH had come home drunk that evening, ranting, raging, verbally abusive blah blah blah.

When I knew he was sober and awake, I simply told him he had become an abusive alcoholic and that I couldn't bear it any longer. I said from this day forward I will be searching out other options and making future decisions to rebuild my life on my own for my health and well being.

He started crying and said he would quit drinking, didn't want to be like that, put me through that, lose me etc. I said there's alot more to it than that. I discussed alcoholism as a progressive disease and how I didn't think he could control it on his own. Then I talked about AA with him, being calm and informative about the recovery program and what it could offer him. I explained white knuckling and dry drunk syndrome and that I wouldn't be able to live with that either.

He said he would immediately quit drinking and do whatever it takes. This is the first time any of this was ever discussed. As a friend, I offered to find him the central phone number for AA off the internet if he asked me to and even offered to go with him to help him drive/find the location for his first meeting if he needed my support taking the first step. I don't expect to do it, just an offer for him if he needs/chooses it.

He hasn't had a drink in three days but no attempt at AA/recovery that I know about. I know this is up to him...his step to take and he has to do it or not do it on his own.

This has taken me off guard though. This is the first time I had to think about whether I could live with him as a recovering alcoholic IF he does start going to AA. If we lived apart I wouldn't even consider being together again for at least a year or two, but we're still living together.

Today, I'm holding my boundary, with one foot out the door, focusing on me and searching out other options while preparing for life on my own because imo without a recovery program he's still an active A in denial and it's just a matter of time for the other shoe to fall imo.

mamaplus2kids

I have had problems with boundaries too. My psychologist said that setting boundaries is my biggest problem. The main thing is to take the time to write down what your needs are. Then, write down what your problems are. Then, write down how you feel about each problem. Then, come up with specific boundaries and solutions to each problem. Here's the challenge... you will not be able to solve every problem. His drinking is his problem. This is where the serenity prayer comes in. His sadness is his problem, not yours. Your feelings of turmoil are your problem. I've learned that the best way to set a boundary is to say: When you... (come home drunk); I feel... (sad, angry, lonely, etc...); As I cannot control your behavior, I will have totake the following steps to take care of myself. If you continue to... (come home drunk), I will confront the behavior and I will... (insert consequence that you WILL FOLLOW THROUGH ON such as leave the house and spend the night at a friend's house, etc...) That's all I know for now.