hope-faith

I woke this morning in a horrible place. I actually think I had my first panic attack. When I finally settled down, I realized the source of my panic. What the heck am I doing? I am CHOOSING to have a relationship with a person I am not married to and who is an admitted alcoholic. A person who has brought me emotional pain, has added layers and layers of work and worry to our relationship -- and I'm wondering for what? What's my payoff in this?

Did any of you knowingly marry a person who was an alcoholic? If you didn't know, then you fell in love with him, did you ever say to yourself -- I don't want to do this? I don't want to take on this kind of monumental problem?

My ABF was my high school sweetheart. For lots of reasons, mostly needing to grow up, we drifted apart. It was just over a year ago we got back together and have fallen deeper in love than I could ever imagine a relationship could be. I always knew he was a heavy drinker, but when we got back together he swore he had no problems with drinking. That his old ways were behind him. He hid his drinking and the consequences from me for nearly a year. (Stupid me.) He's now been sober for about 3 months.

I find myself in an impossible place. I love him. I support his recovery, but I'm looking at this situation and saying to myself, what the heck are you doing?!! If you continue a relationship with him, you are signing on for a lifetime of worry and hard work, along with the fear of possible relapses, lies, manipulation, infidelity, etc. On top of that, I have to now attend Al-anon, focus on my recovery, etc., etc.

I just wondered if any of you ever got to a point where you questioned if this was all worth it. Relationships are hard enough. Add to that all of the problems of an A and it makes it seem crazy for me to want to continue in this relationship.

I guess I'm wondering....would it be better to leave now? I just feel overwhelmed, scared and wondering why I am doing this to myself...in the name of love.

Thanks for the ear!!!!

ICU

It's a personal decision for each of us based on our individual experiences and circumstances.

In my previous situation, I figured out that 'no' it was not worth it at all. So, I ended it. But, I had extenuating circumstances in addition to his drinking, and admittedly, THAT was what I had to factor in above all else.

Other people have found that it was worth it once active recovery was sought and ACTIONS were consistently matching the words being spoken.


Would you consider taking a break from the relationship to further explore 'your' feelings? Sometimes we just need a little distance to see things a little clearer.

Keep coming back and reading the posts here. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum as well. BTW, good to hear that you are giving Alanon a try!

denny57

Something I learned in my journey is I can love someone with all my heart. That does not mean I share my life with them. Some things in life are complicated and difficult. Today if I found myself in a relationship where I questioned so much of it, I would end it.

irelandx7

I knew my AH was a heavy drinker when I married him, but I didn't know he was and alcoholic, nor did I know that his parents were.

I can't really answer if it's worth all the hard work for you, but for me, having kids and devoted to this marriage, I would have to say yes. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, at least I know that I am bettering myself and gaining knowledge about this disease. I can only be stronger for that.

queenteree

My AH was actively drinking (very heavily) when I first met him. I fell in love with him anyway and after 3 years of living with him, I left him. He went to rehab and worked the program, we got back together and I married him, never giving another thought to alcoholism again. He was just a guy who didn't drink. After 14 years sober, he relapsed (for a long five years). He just recently went to rehab again, worked the program and I fell back in love with him again (especially thinking he went 14 years the first time, he'll do the same, if not more years, again). He just passed 98 days sober before he relapsed again for 8 days. He is now sober and going to meetings again, but do I let my guard down? No. Do I believe he will stay sober forever? No. If I had to do it all over again and marry him, would I? No. There will forever be the possibility of relapse at any time for any reason. Do I want that the rest of my life? No. Hope this helps.

hopeangel

hi hope, i think most of us made the decision to marry thinking that person would change and that they would love us enough to change. love would conquer all. most of us have then been faced with the harsh reality that this is not the case.
in the beginning we accepted things that we knew were unacceptable to us and tolerated things that we knew were intolerable to us. what was once acceptable or tolerable to me no longer is. if i had it to do over again i would find someone who i could love and accept everything about before i married him and someone who i felt absolutley no need to change.
if i had to do it over again and knew the heartbreak of asking the man i married to choose between me and a can of beer and having him choose the can of beer. if i knew the levels of begging and pleading i would go to with him. what it would do to my self esteem. if i knew the dreams i would have to give up and sacrifices i would have to make (having children with him just one to mention). if i knew how much of my own identity would be completely consumed in his addiction. if i knew how much my health would be affected by it or how it would age me. if i had known that it would be a life of uncertainty. if i knew how hard or how much it would hurt or how hard it would be to pull myself out of it now. no, i would not have married.
have there been absolutely great times -yes. do i still love him with everything i have-yes. would i actually trade the memories and the good times -no. do i know what the future holds -no. but i do know now that i have to love myself more than any other person and i cannot and i will no longer sacrifice myself or my own needs, wants, and desires. this is my life and it is too short and too precious.

kj21

I would run for the hills before it gets complicated with marraige, kids, morgages etc. Just my 2 cents!

Buffalo66

Leave.

I am you 5 years later, and I have lost everything. I have a son, am struggling to survive, and am plagued and haunted by the last 5 years of Jerry Springer-like hell that I could have avoided by walking away when I was in your spot.

Please leave, get yourself free, and work on attracting a man who can work toward a healthy life WITH you. WHy walk into a burning house and lay down in the bed?

embraced2000

i married my ex knowing he was newly sober and in recovery. i didn't care. i was determined to marry him....it was like we were two magnets. i fell instantly, madly, deeply in love with him. or so i thought.

what really happened was that i knew i could fix him. he was tall and beautiful, had a body that you could bounce quarters off of. i was going to have him.

my plan was to keep him drunk enough to get married, then i would work my magic and cure him. i had no idea how huge the alcoholism monster was or how powerful it was. i needed him to fill my needs of fixing someone, so that i could get all the credit for being the one that turned this brillant man into a functioning citizen of society.

i dressed him, gave him financial stability, a home to live in, and laid down the laws.

i was very, very sick....don't you see?

it was a disaster. but i wouldn't have missed it for all the cow boy hats in texas....because i felt love. and i didn't think i would ever feel that again after losing the love of my life to cancer in 10 short weeks. we had been together for 4 years before he died, and we were very happy.

i am grateful to my ex because he led me to my own recovery. when we met, we were just two fruitcakes waiting to meet each other. we had a very strong connection because our sicknessess were hand in hand.

would i do it over if i could? nope.

but i would never become involved with an active alcoholic again.

Wascally Wabbit

I married a man I knew had a drinking problem. I was not real sure it was any kind of problem because it was how I was raised! By an alcoholic mother, so it seemed normal to me.
Unfortunately, it turned into my worse nightmare with physical abuse.
He's spending life in prison now because of his violence. I am so thankful I got away from him when I did. It lasted only 3 years.

Later, I married a wonderful man with a big job, a house and no children.
Right after we got married he started getting sick with all kind of health problems. He started taking oxycontin and went downhill fromt here. I couldn't believe this was happening.
There was nothing I could do! What a shame that he's lost almost everything due to his addiction.

So, I have been on both sides.

Mr. Christian

Good question,

Why are you doing this?

CarolD

Here is the deal for me....

I have loved many times....but in the end

I love me more than he.

No way I would be involved with this man.

hope-faith

Thanks to everyone for your candid replies. I've realized the answer to my own question, Why Am I Doing This?

I'm still hanging on to the fantasy of what could be instead of facing the facts of what is. The fantasy of "he could recover."

I have some more work to do....on me. Thanks!!!

daisyjen

My answer to you would be to RUN!!!! I was in much of the same situation you are about 15 yrs ago, though I didnt remember what it was like back then till recently. I hit my bottom in January after numerous panic attacks and just feeling empty, for about a year. I told my husband I was done, I could do no more and he decided then to turn his life around. I am still after 8 months unsure of which direction I want to go. I dont know that the pain will ever go away and he does not understand why I cant get over it. Anyway I found a letter recently I had written to him in Feb 1992 - we were married May 1992. The letter said that I believed he was an alcoholic and needed help. I was not going to marry him without him getting treatment. Well apparently he made all the promises and said the right things back then because I married him, had 3 sons with him. Thru the marriage I bought books on alcoholism, threatened to leave, blah, blah blah! Now here I sit unsure as to where I belong, hating myself for the mistakes I have made, especially "allowing" him to emotionally abuse our sons... so my answer is, unless he GETS treatment- not promises to, move on. Dont waste your life away with empty promises, tears and pain. You are worth more than that.

prodigal

Lesson I learned in marrying TWO alcoholics: live my life based on what IS rather than on what IF.

hbb

Hope, i read your post and i can so relate. I wanted to fix my exbf and i tried my hardest, got him to AA, but the result in him is worse than when i met him. He's in a program supposedly but still very very sick. My brother's gf had an addict for a step father, he died of drugs, she's only 21 and i'm 33. She said to me did i want to live a life of possible relapse after relapse because that's what she lived with and she said it was AWFUL.

I too thought things would change but they don't all the time. My ex is living proof of someone that just wants to get by in life, wants nothing, tries for nothing and wants sooooooooooo badly to drink. I know too well exactly how you feel but now that i'm out of the situation, my "healthiness" is coming back, i was being dragged down to the point that my mother questioned my values..yikes, that was bad. I was accepting unacceptable behavior and fast. I know it doesn't make the pain go away but think years down the road with children. My friend asked me did i want to be calling the bars at midnight looking for my exabf as i have a screaming child at home and i don't.....PM me anytime if you want to talk

luvmyfurbabies

hope, if it were me I would run as fast as I could and as far away as I could. I married my AH knowing he had a drinking problem. I can hear Dr. Phil in my head saying, "What were you thinking". We have been together 12 years and married almost 3. Would I do it again? No Way. I am finally realizing that I am important and I don't need to live this way. The major difference in you and me is that you have the chance now to avoid everything that I'm going to face in the near future. It's not going to easy for me but I will survive. Good luck.

seekNheal

Leave now! I know it sounds harsh, but I wish I had someone blasting that in my ear years ago. But we have kids to consider, marriage vows to honor and a messy, costly divorce to avoid. I love him but with his alcoholism...it's been one hell of a road and it ain't over by a long shot.