seekNheal

My h (married 14 years) has been sober for 7 years (cuz he..."didn't need any help"), finally he went to AA and has been going for about 6 weeks now. He's on emotional over-load, there's tension between us much of the time and we still have intimacy issues. I've been to 1 alAnon meeting, plan on going again.

I've got that wall built up around me cuz he's hurt me so many times and in so many ways. He's made me feel like I was wrong and my emotions were wrong because I don't desire/accept what he desires in the bedroom. I have no sex drive and it's not a mystery to me why it's gone! I've always thought he replaced the beer w/sex. He has abused (in so many ways) what was supposed to be special and intimate.

For years, I've been open with him about my thoughts, feelings and reactions to what he's done. Even after learning all that he has in AA, he can hardly entertain the idea of giving me some time and space (going without sex for an indefinite amount of time-it's what I've told him I need for now). How can we rebuild our intimate relationship, trust and love when there's always that pressure to be fully involved in the bed with him? I'm not there yet, I refuse to be phony with my emotions. I have to feel that connection with him, but it's not there yet.

He's learned so much in AA and is really making a great effort. He's great with our young sons, tries to be close and intimate with me and expresses his love for me often. I love that side of him-I know I love him, I just don't feel it much. I want to desire him again. I've done a lot of reading, soul-searching and praying, but I just can't seem to connect emotionally to him again. How do I do that?

I'd really appreciate any feedback from someone who's been where I'm at now. What are your suggestions?

dollydo

Sometimes it is impossible to push a snowball back up the hill. It has gotten so big, so heavy it just can't be done.

Being intimate is more than sex, sex is a physical act, making love comes from within. It is driven by emotions. Love, trust and respect.

Going back to square one takes time, give yourself time, when you regain that "loving feeling" it will just happen.

Have you been to therapy? May help you get over the resentment and re-open the door.

Buffalo66

Wow. I have this, to a certain degree. So much resentment. I am not in this situation this minute, but, when I would try to be with my Aex sexually back when...I always had trouble kissing the same mouth that some of the drunken things he had said came out of.

Has your A cheated, or lied? Or just messed with your trust on the homefront?

I dont think it is strange at all for you to need time to become the pursuer. That seems healthy and normal for your position. You kind of want to say, "just back off...let my safe sexual feelings well up in me again!!"

prodigal

I'm perfectly content to sleep on the other side of the house in the guest bedroom. I have slowly been moving my clothes over into the guest bedroom closet. I even use the guest bathroom, although the master bath is huge and far nicer.

Do I choose to have no physical intimacy with my AH because of deep-seated resentment, anger, or need to get even with him? Not actually. He finally got to the point where he told me point-blank, "No way," after I made numerous requests that he try to discuss our so-called marriage relationship (or lack thereof). He was emotionally unavailable to me for so long that I eventually just quit banging my head against his walls and left him alone.

No sense in trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip! He informed me back in March that he would not discuss our relationship because it made him "anxious and angry." Emotions are off limits in our conversations; and what few there are of them revolve around current events, a few things going on in his job, or other polite banalities.

I drove myself crazy trying to make someone who is unable, incapable, or just doesn't have it to give, meet my emotional needs for a long time. Then I detached, saw it for what it is, and went on my merry way. All of my energies are currently channeled into a college math course and seeking full-time employment.

If my AH desires sex, he'll have to look elsewhere for that. From my perspective, that is what IS for him because I'm perfectly content leading my life without his presence is MY bed. I'm not even vaguely considering a physical relationship with him. No hard feelings on my part; I just gave the marriage all I had to give and there ain't no more left in me to give - or time to waste either.

hmbld

I know what you are going through, lucky for me, my AH isn't pushing the sex issue. He's actually treading very lightly since he's been in AA. He doesn't touch me in any way unless I touch him first. We're only at the hugging and hand patting stage at this point and time. I have actually begun sitting by him on the couch from time to time. Although he's doing great, and in a much better mind frame than I am, I'm not going to jump in head first. I need to get my brain in order before I can give him anymore of me.

This place has been wonderful in helping with that, so keep coming back. It will definitely help you sort through some things.

seekNheal

No, he hasn't cheated, I believe he's been faithful to me. Lies? That seems to be part of the alcoholism package. Yes, he's lied about plenty, from easy-to-get-over lies to major life-affecting lies (I now have an std because of him). And trust? He's done plenty to ruin that re: intimacy. I don't want to get into all that, but I can tell you he's repeatedly disrespected/ignored me concerning what I didn't enjoy, feel comfortable doing or thought was morally wrong. He would stop it when I complained, but the next time around it was like he never heard what I said. That message to me was 'I don't care what you think or feel-it doesn't matter if it's your body-it matters more what I need.'

Update: Earlier tonite, I told him I'm outta the b-room for the time being. He understands, but it's very difficult for him to accept. We each have to 'get right' with ourselves before we can 'be right' together.

LaTeeDa

I'm a little confused as to how he gave you an std without cheating, but no need to explain it to me. I just wanted to say that selfishness when it comes to sex is something I cannot deal with. After my husband got sober, we tried to reconcile. And I honestly tried to heal the sexual relationship because that is an important aspect of intimacy to me. I found that even after he wasn't drinking anymore, he was still selfish, even in bed.

You are absolutely right about getting your head in the right place before you can expect your body to follow. Have you considered counseling? It helped me a lot and I learned to be okay with verbalizing what I need and don't want sexually. My marriage is over, but the things I've learned are really important going forward in my life and relationships.

L

seekNheal

to LaTeeDa: When we first dated he was working with a traveling construction group, a few months later he moved on but we'd see each other from time to time. Then we went our separate ways for about a year. Then he called, we talked and visited for a couple of months then I moved in with him. He found out about his std before I moved in, but failed to mention that to me. God, I was so young, dumb and had stars in my eyes!