CE Girl

Ok, so here's were I 'interprut" the steps.

I'm on 4 right now, but its becoming increasingly clear that it melds right into 5. I'm begining to realize that sometimes MY expectaions of what others want from me in terms of amends doesn't match theirs,,lol. Talk about setting yourself up. I think when we think about amends, yes, its too the people/places or things we hurt the most. You can be SURE one of my first will be to my "spirits" (hp), BUT, who I REALLY need forgiveness from is MYSELF. If i validate and recognize my searching and fealess inventory then that to me, is making amends.

Sure, I want to apoligize for my wrongs, recognize and take resposibility for them. But if I have hurt another mortal in the process of my addiction, I can not expect them to heal on my timeframe.

Like so much else, its about ACTIONS. LIVING my program, being true to my core and learning the lessons of recovery, I spirits willing, will NEVER make the same mistakes.

I guess I'm wondering why we would need another person to make us feel validated in our hurt? It is what it is sin't it? How is having your A saying their sorry gonna make YOU feel better? And, isn't it really just feeding the "codie" by making you continue to feel superior and therefore a valuable human being?

I'm thinking I should find that within

Oh, and instead, working on forgiveness,,,

Peace

Peace

ICU

I'm living proof that I don't 'need' another person to say I'm sorry to me when they've mistreated me. I'll never get that 'certain' apology (if you know my story, you'll understand what I mean by that) and still my heart beats, I breathe, etc.

Rather, in normal circumstances I think, I would 'desire' someone to apologize, if they are in fact truly sorry. Why? Good question. I know I already am beginning to value myself on my own terms, but if someone was still in my life, it would be nice to know they value me enough to say I'm sorry when they said/did something hurtful. My ex rarely if ever apologized for anything.

For me it has nothing to do with feeling superior to the other person at all. Common courtesy, caring about my feelings, and respect are more like it. I apologize when I'm wrong all the time. I don't feel lessor for it, and I hope the other person doesn't feel superior because of it either.

embraced2000

when i work on making amends to others, i make it a point to validate how my bad actions must have made them feel. saying i'm sorry is just like a blanket amend....it's kinda meaningless unless you validate the other persons feelings about that particular situation. it takes a lot of insight to be able to make an amend to someone, i think. a lot of inner reflection.

sometimes, a's just don't have it to give until they have alot of recovery under their belts. they can mutter an "i'm sorry" to their buddies and others, and that will usually suffice for most casual people in their lives, but to the spouse/mate, it's much deeper and i think they know that. where to begin? there's just so much. i think, after a lot of recovery it becomes much easier to grasp and follow through with an amend, but early on in recovery, well, their still kinda weird, ya know what i mean? they have been living so messed up that it takes a long time to shake the cobwebs from the head and for the feelings to come back. jmho.

CE Girl

Yup, and I EXPECT that from the people in my HEALTHY life. Just as I expect to give it,,hell, I might come across as "perfect" but I got my warts,,,lol

I think what I was trying ot get at, is how anger affects my disease when it comes to apoligys from my XA.


Instead, I think about my "healthy" relationships and how my codieism affected them

For example, my youngest daughter. We were/are VERY close. When I was involved with my XA, I became isolated and obsessed with him, no time for anything or anyone else. Self isolation? Or control? whatever. It hurt my daughter not to have that closeness with Mom. A simple, I'm sorry will not work. MY ACTIONS. Thats amends. spending time with her, telling her how much I missed her and explaining my disease. Life lessons. Admitting I am powerless and human, but determined to do the right thing. what better lesson can I teach her?

I loved your story anvilhead. I NEED my "stuff" so I'm ok with not having anything "replaced" by my XA,,,all I want for him is recovery. And the chance to live his life free of the disease of alcoholism.

I do not expect "aplogies' from him. Forgiveness has replaced my anger.

but that's just me,,,

Peace

MTBChick

WOW... what a great thread and something I needed to hear/read. I had a lot of expectations when it came to my ex-rabf making amends. It was not what I thought it should be. I have a lot of anger still towards what happened and thats mine to deal with. For me the I'm sorry and him saying all those things was nothing different from the countless times he said he was sorry for different things he did to me. So when he did his amends it sounded no different than any of those other times. In addition, the things he did after making his amends, did nothing to support/confirm that he had really meant what he said in his amends. It is hard when two people are still very hurt and have anger towards one another. I do think actions speak louder than words, and sometimes we just for what ever reason can't speak the words so we speak them through our actions and hopefully, maybe someday we can speak it through our words too.