harleygirl92156

I have been felling some anger and resentment lately and couldn't really put a finger on why, but I think I finally have got it figured out.

Has anyone had their A get sober, be sober for several years, see them working a good, no great program, going to meetings, sponsoring, really changing only to feel totally left out of the amends issue?

I have watched my hubby make amends to everyone from his family to the post man, but to date he has yet to make amends to me. I have waited nearly three years.....nothing, and I think, no I am pretty sure that is the source of the resentment I feel.

Now, I know I can't make him do anything he doesnt want to. I can't put expectations on him and I don't want to force an amends, that would be a hallow victory now wouldn't it....lol. I just find it difficult to hear all this going on when I was the one closest to it, the one that put up with the crap, the one that lived it everyday and he makes amends to to everyone but me.

I am sure there is a reason, he doesn't know what to say, he is afraid of the response, he is nervous, etc. What I need to do is move past the resentment I find lingering, I don't like it but can't seem to shake it. I have prayed, ask my higher power to help me, talked to sponsor, discussed it at meetings, tried to just let it go, etc. I know, I know, I know, it isn't my place to set his time or to even expect an apology/amends, but it hurts I guess.

I don't take his inventory, I don't badger him, I don't expect it, it is just there. I would never talk to him about it because then it would seem forced and I don't want that.

I guess just typing this out has made me realize the maybe his amends is living a sober life and making our life better than it was when he was drinking. I am grateful for a sober husband and the comfort and security it brings, I just need to be happy with what I have an not expect more......ok scold me now.....lol.

FormerDoormat

Would hearing him say "I'm sorry" remove all the painful memories of the past?

embraced2000

well, i wish i knew what to say that would offer comfort for you.

when my ex begin to make amends to me, they weren't what i expected, because we experienced the same incidents but viewed them so differently. i discovered that the problem was my expectations.

i would suggest just giving it time.....it's a work in progress, this living sober thing.

MsGolightly

i think your feelings are totally understandable, but i also think you're onto something. that maybe his way of making amends is by making both of your lives and your marriage better through his sobriety. almost like it's his way of thanking you for being there for him when he needed it, and showing you how much he truly cares about you and the life he shares with you.

he might not know what to say, either. or he might think his amends to you are almost assumed, so there's no need to say them? i think FD is right, at this point, would the words really make the difference?

embraced2000

one more thought, harleygirl.....when i feel this way, i do a gratitude list.

it always puts things back into perspective for me.

jeri

hbb

Harley, I don't exactly know about amends as i haven't received them from my xrabf and my never. But i did have an instance where my ex was speaking at an AA meeting about his drinking and then he proceeded to thank everyone in his family and friends for their support and there i was at the meeting (only one with him) and he never thanked me and i was the one that encouraged AA. I know it's not the same as a longtime marriage like yourself but it does hurt, i can relate on a smaller scale. (((())))

hmbld

I think it would be a good start. I know it would be for me. My AH is only about 90 days in to his recovery, so I have a while to wait on verbal amends. He's already begun making amends by his actions, but I still would appreciate a verbal acknowledgement at some point.

I'm new in to all of this Harleygirl, but I think your feelings are valid. I wish I had some sound advice for you, but all I've got right now is much empathy for how you are feeling.

harleygirl92156

It isn't about painful memories from the past, I dealt with/ and am dealing with that.....my memories, my pain, my problem to deal with just as the resentment I discovered I am feeling is mine to deal with.

This isn't something I am obsessing over, just a realization I had today and decided to share here. Figured if I am going through it maybe someone else is or has and we could support each other.

harleygirl92156

I am sorry you had to go through that, I think what happened to you would make me feel far, far worse. (((((hbb))))

harleygirl92156

Yes, for whatever reason, I think the words would make a difference. I have heard them said to many, many others. I know it is about expectations and I am working on that today now that I have pinpointed what is going on with me.

My progress being, instead of looking at him and blaming him for the feelings I was having, I looked inward to figure out what was going on within me and why............my progress is that he knows nothing of this because I didn't turn the anger and resentment on him but instead figured out what was the cause and sought a way to deal with it without playing the "blame game". I am feeling very good about the fact that I was able to internalize, take and inventory of MYSELF, figure out what was going on and move immediately to resolve the difficulty within myself.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION!

I am grateful, very grateful!!!

ICU

I've often wondered what it would feel like for my ex to make amends to me. But I live with the fact that that will NEVER happen (for legal reasons). So, sometimes I run a fantasy in my head....with him in 'active recovery mode', etc. And he says what it is I want him to say, what I need to hear, etc. Yup, pure fantasy on my part. Sometimes it helps....if even just to have a good laugh at myself, and believe me, I do, LOL!!

In your case though Harleygirl, the very first thing that popped in my mind is, 'yeah, I know how that might feel'. And the second thing that came to mind, and my final thought I'll leave you with is this:

It might just happen when you have pushed that thought completely out of your mind and have totally forgotten all about it! Then, when it does happen, what a lovely 'unexpected' surprise that will be! ;-)

splendra

I think I wish that my pain were known to the As in my life. My oldest brother is clean and working a program and he called to make amends, to tell me he is sorry for the pain he has caused in my life. Well I am glad he is clean but his amends did not even begin to touch my pain.

I think the only amends that is going to touch my pain is the amends I make to myself. Treating myself well, and not basing my happiness on what someone else says or does is the only thing that helps me. I am still very very mad at me for what I have put up with. Forgiving myself humm one of my favorite ministers said "if we don't let our brother off the hook we will never let ourselves off either"...

irelandx7

I would feel the same way you do. I am the only one who supports my AH, put up with all his crap day-in and day-out, and to get no sort of "reward" would definitely make me steam. But I guess I would have to look at the other side and say, "You know what? I KNOW that I am a major influence on his life changes, and I'm proud of that. Thanks or not, that IS what it IS."

I guess giving yourself a pat on the back isn't so bad, is it?

Lady BlueMiles

Who can guess why he hasn't but maybe it's fear. You being the one person he's not ready to make amends to in case he slips causing you greater disappointment and pain. Or maybe he's making amends through his actions, one day at a time.

I can understand your feelings though, and hope you can find peace again.

harleygirl92156

I am 99% sure that is the reason...........PRETTY SELFISH OF ME TO HAVE A RESENTMENT OVER SOMEONE ELSES FEAR ISN'T IT.

I will take his actions as amends and forget about it........I LOVE SURPRISES......LOL.

Feeling better today, put the pity pot away. Ya know how we have to take it out and play with it once in awhile so we can remember how crappy it feels, lest we forget. Sure is easier to put the pity pot back in the closet though, I no longer clutch it screaming and kicking the whole way, I just simply put it away, laugh at myself for being so silly and move forward.

I remember telling my husband the other day (he found a new car he wanted to buy and we just dont need another car) that he is never happy with what he has....(oh, took his inventory big time...oops). Guess I should practice what I preach...lol.

Have a good day all. Thanks for putting things in perspective for me, everyones point of view on here sure makes it easier to look inward, give myself a good talking to and appreciate what I have. I whine about little insignificant things when so many of you have such deeper issues and problems, shame on me.

I am grateful, sobriety lives in my house I shouldn't ask or expect more. After all that is what I ask my HP for and that is exactly what he gave me!! I am a very lucky gal.

denny57

It's often said here listen to the words, but watch the actions. Sometimes the words are just nice to hear. ((()))

ICU

First of all, I wouldn't categorize how you are feeling as insignificant! Your feelings are yours, and as such, they are important!

Secondly, when you reach out here for input and assistance, you not only 'hopefully' get helpful feedback, but you are also inspirational to those that are just beginning their own journey. To see the progress you have made and just how far you have come helps to shed some light for those of us who still may be in the dark.

Sharing from both sides of the fence is very helpful to all involved, imo.

I'm hoping you all know what I mean. I suck at giving compliments, don't I, LOL!

CE Girl

I got "amends" from my XA each and every time he went into another recovery,,he,he,he,,

Seriously, I've sat in intense group therapy sessions with him and he has spoke openly and without embarrassment about what an inspiration I was to him and how he couldn't have done it without me and how he is truly sorry how he treated me and QUACK<QUACK<QUACK

Sorry, Harley

I'd take the action of sobriety over words ANY DAY,,,

But then again, it appears you've already figured it out today?

Your one of my BIGGEST inspriations here, your ESH have come at times I needed them desperatly. You probably didn't even know it. Don't EVER feel you are "sharing" something miniscule.

I for one, THANK YOU for your service

Peace

Astro

With a little over one year of sobriety my first amends was made to my ex. I was dropping off our kids after my custody time, she met me outside as usual. When I made my amends and started to leave she pulled the keys out of my truck and forced herself into the doorway, she felt the amends weren't good enough and wanted better. Her boyfriend came out of the house to harass me and we ended up coming to blows, within 12 hours I had an assault charge and a restraining order against me.

Her sister has demanded her amends while she kicked the door on my truck.

I'd like the chance to make these amends, but at this point I believe God will open that door when the anger subsides and the time is right. Until then, I respect the part of Step 9 that says "except when to do so would injure them or others".

kj21

My AH one day just out of the blue ( we were at a BBQ with some friends, laughing and having a great time) told me he thinks everyday about what an ass he has been to me and is embaressed and sorry that he put me through all the crap he has done. He said he has a very hard time thinking about it. It had never been brought up before and hasn't since. Maybe you guy has those same thoughts and is just not ready to really deal with what he put the one person closest to him through. It did make me feel better.