I feel like I am going insane!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: brighton
Posts: 6
I feel like I am going insane!
Hi, my first post and hopefully my last. I fear for my husband's life, he can't no longer control his drinking. We have no savings left and I am ready to move back to my parents home.
He lies to my face about not drinking, when it is so easy to smell alcohol on him. He refuses to go to AA and he is making my life a living hell. I can't sleep or eat.
I know I should leave him but what if something horrible happens to him.
He lies to my face about not drinking, when it is so easy to smell alcohol on him. He refuses to go to AA and he is making my life a living hell. I can't sleep or eat.
I know I should leave him but what if something horrible happens to him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Originally Posted by nybrigt 
what if something horrible happens to him.
Wife #1 wasn't around to keep me from getting hit by a subway train in Boston, wife #2 couldn't keep me from sawing my thumb off while I was doing drunken home improvement. Neither of them could keep me from taking another drink.
Please try to focus on yourself, not him. Glad you're here, keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
There comes a time when we all realize that we have to care for ourselves first.
You cannot change your husband. Only he can do that. You are not be responsible for something horrible happening to him if you live with him or if you don't. Only he is responsible for his choices and behavior and the consequences of those choices and behaviors.
You need to ask yourself whether you are happy, whether living with you husband is the kind of life you want and deserve. Only you can answer those questions.
Have you tried any AlAnon meetings or counselling?
You cannot change your husband. Only he can do that. You are not be responsible for something horrible happening to him if you live with him or if you don't. Only he is responsible for his choices and behavior and the consequences of those choices and behaviors.
You need to ask yourself whether you are happy, whether living with you husband is the kind of life you want and deserve. Only you can answer those questions.
Have you tried any AlAnon meetings or counselling?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, pull up a chair, lots of great people here, who care.
If something horrible happens to him, it will happen whether you are there or not. It is his choice, his life. As hard as we codies try, we cannot live anothers life for them.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More? Good book.
Keep posting, don't make this your first and last post, recovery from co-dependency is a life long journey, it doesn't begin or end with one person, it is a cycle we embrace and must break, for our well-being and happiness.
If something horrible happens to him, it will happen whether you are there or not. It is his choice, his life. As hard as we codies try, we cannot live anothers life for them.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More? Good book.
Keep posting, don't make this your first and last post, recovery from co-dependency is a life long journey, it doesn't begin or end with one person, it is a cycle we embrace and must break, for our well-being and happiness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: brighton
Posts: 6
That is good advice, and no I am not happy all his lying is getting to me. Sometimes I begin to doubt myself like maybe he is not drinking, maybe the smell is from apple juice not cider etc.....This week I will be attending AlAnon. Many thanks!
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome to SR Nybrigt! I'm sorry you are in so much pain. So many of us have been in the exact place you are right now--The Land of What-If.
It's not easy to leave or make a change but you have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions.
The Three C's:
You didn't CAUSE him to drink.
You can't CONTROL his drinking.
You can't CURE him.
Reverse the thinking...instead of wondering what might happen to him wonder what might happen to you if you stay. (Not only that, but he isn't worrying about you like you are about him).
My husband was the kindest, sweetest person sober(still is) but drunk he was a nightmare. It took me 12 years to get up the courage to move from the what if I'm not there to take care of him and help him and look after him mode. And guess what, I finally left and he's fine without me. I mean fine for an alcoholic. But his life went on.
Please keep posting! This place is amazing! There are some very wise people here!! Ask all the questions you can think of!
It's not easy to leave or make a change but you have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions.
The Three C's:
You didn't CAUSE him to drink.
You can't CONTROL his drinking.
You can't CURE him.
Reverse the thinking...instead of wondering what might happen to him wonder what might happen to you if you stay. (Not only that, but he isn't worrying about you like you are about him).
My husband was the kindest, sweetest person sober(still is) but drunk he was a nightmare. It took me 12 years to get up the courage to move from the what if I'm not there to take care of him and help him and look after him mode. And guess what, I finally left and he's fine without me. I mean fine for an alcoholic. But his life went on.
Please keep posting! This place is amazing! There are some very wise people here!! Ask all the questions you can think of!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: brighton
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by chero
Welcome to SR Nybrigt! I'm sorry you are in so much pain. So many of us have been in the exact place you are right now--The Land of What-If.
It's not easy to leave or make a change but you have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions.
The Three C's:
You didn't CAUSE him to drink.
You can't CONTROL his drinking.
You can't CURE him.
Reverse the thinking...instead of wondering what might happen to him wonder what might happen to you if you stay. (Not only that, but he isn't worrying about you like you are about him).
My husband was the kindest, sweetest person sober(still is) but drunk he was a nightmare. It took me 12 years to get up the courage to move from the what if I'm not there to take care of him and help him and look after him mode. And guess what, I finally left and he's fine without me. I mean fine for an alcoholic. But his life went on.
Please keep posting! This place is amazing! There are some very wise people here!! Ask all the questions you can think of!
It's not easy to leave or make a change but you have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions.
The Three C's:
You didn't CAUSE him to drink.
You can't CONTROL his drinking.
You can't CURE him.
Reverse the thinking...instead of wondering what might happen to him wonder what might happen to you if you stay. (Not only that, but he isn't worrying about you like you are about him).
My husband was the kindest, sweetest person sober(still is) but drunk he was a nightmare. It took me 12 years to get up the courage to move from the what if I'm not there to take care of him and help him and look after him mode. And guess what, I finally left and he's fine without me. I mean fine for an alcoholic. But his life went on.
Please keep posting! This place is amazing! There are some very wise people here!! Ask all the questions you can think of!
I know that the right thing to do is to leave him but part of me feels selfish if I do. My flight is already booked for next month, I wish that he finally realizes that he needs to stop drinking so if/when I return I could see him sober.
Last year he told me that he was going to stop drinking so by this November we were hoping to have a baby, now all those lovely dreams are just dreams. I cry every day and every night I get no sleep.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Focus on what you want your future to be like, and whether you could really have that future with him. My XAH "wanted" kids and the family life, and I believed him. I also deluded myself into thinking his drinking/drugging wasn't a problem. Ultimately the kids and family life were not what he wanted, so he left to "be alone' and "have some space". My kids are doing well, but the sting of his leaving us will last a long time. Hopefully your lovely dreams can someday be a reality with someone who can really share them wiht you.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Ok look here.
It’s great that you are learning all this now, before a baby. It always boggles my mind how someone who knows what you will go ahead and have a kid with a alcoholic.
Yes it’s time to go home and save yourself. It’s not selfish it’s SMART.
You can not stop or control what he does, but you can control your future.
It’s great that you are learning all this now, before a baby. It always boggles my mind how someone who knows what you will go ahead and have a kid with a alcoholic.
Yes it’s time to go home and save yourself. It’s not selfish it’s SMART.
You can not stop or control what he does, but you can control your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: brighton
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
Ok look here.
It’s great that you are learning all this now, before a baby. It always boggles my mind how someone who knows what you will go ahead and have a kid with a alcoholic.
Yes it’s time to go home and save yourself. It’s not selfish it’s SMART.
You can not stop or control what he does, but you can control your future.
It’s great that you are learning all this now, before a baby. It always boggles my mind how someone who knows what you will go ahead and have a kid with a alcoholic.
Yes it’s time to go home and save yourself. It’s not selfish it’s SMART.
You can not stop or control what he does, but you can control your future.
Another day and he still the same, refuses to go to AA etc....But today I've decided to finally leave him for good, so maybe now I can concentrate on myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I hope you'll stick with us on this forum, nybright, because you can learn so much about this disease called alcoholism and in learning about the disease you will also understand more about yourself and all human beings!
Like Chero said....always remember the 3 Cs!....Cause, Control and Cure.
"Another day and he still the same, refuses to go to AA etc"
Even if your H decided to start attending AA in 30 minutes time, it takes time to work a programme and truly get sober. The wonderful people at AA are ever mindful of those three Cs too. Staying sober and being in recovery depend on the A and nobody else. When I met XABF I thought that the fact he had stopped drinking meant that he had embraced a life of sobriety. I admired the fact that he had "cured" himself by stopping cold turkey. The future seemed brighter and brighter. As he slowly slipped back into a routine of heavy drinking, I thought that all he had to do was rein himself in and cut back to nothing again. Boy was I wrong!
Take CARE of yourself.....that should be a fourth C!!
ARL
Like Chero said....always remember the 3 Cs!....Cause, Control and Cure.
"Another day and he still the same, refuses to go to AA etc"
Even if your H decided to start attending AA in 30 minutes time, it takes time to work a programme and truly get sober. The wonderful people at AA are ever mindful of those three Cs too. Staying sober and being in recovery depend on the A and nobody else. When I met XABF I thought that the fact he had stopped drinking meant that he had embraced a life of sobriety. I admired the fact that he had "cured" himself by stopping cold turkey. The future seemed brighter and brighter. As he slowly slipped back into a routine of heavy drinking, I thought that all he had to do was rein himself in and cut back to nothing again. Boy was I wrong!
Take CARE of yourself.....that should be a fourth C!!
ARL
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