Barbara52

My AH has been sober for 4 weeks now. He quit the day I moved out (too bad my earlier requests/pleas/etc. weren't enough). He has not attended any meetings or done anything other than meet with our pastor a few times but that includes pastoral counseling about handling my leaving and finding a job, etc.. AH says it was easy to quit.

I have no idea what he's been like since I moved out and wonder if he really did find it easy to just quit and had no withdrawal symptoms that he admits to.

He still says he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need AA or counseling or anything. Of course that means he just not dealing with his problems and living in a fantasy world, which includes me moving back in with him.

I did meet with him once at a Starbucks for about an hour at the suggestion of our pastor. One thing that was obvious is that AH still doesn't understand why I left and that I will not be coming back. He thinks this is only temporary. He says he understands I would never come back to the man he was but swears he's a changed man and knows we can work out "our" problems. I told him it wasn't "our" problem to deal with, it was his choices and his behaviors that lead me to leave, that he killed the love I used to feel for him, that I no longer trust him, and that I am filing formal separation papers next month. He of course said that he'll convince me to love and trust him again and that formal separation is not neccessary. I pointed out that his choices, such as wanting to drop his health and life insurance, show that he is not thinking of the consequences of his choices. That I remain legally responsible for his debts until the separation is formal and legal. He then asked me to go into marriage counseling. I told I wasn't interested, that too much damage had been done and I am not interested in trying to patch things up. I told him maybe someday if he starts working on himself sincerely and going to AA and working the program, maybe we can be friends again someday. But not anytime soon.

elizabeth1979

Hey there Barbara,
Heres the rub..regardless of whether he feels he has a problem.
YOU have expressed a problem with the relationship.
Everything else, are his issues. Not yours
I learned that whether or not my ex agreed with me, should have no affect on my concerns or bearing on my actions.

Astro

Remember the t-shirts and bumper stickers that said "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem."? They were totally right, and the same thinking can hold true in sobriety. If we don't suffer enough consequences or repurcussions, there's no problem. Quitting can be easy, withdrawal symptoms might not be too bad, but living a sane life without a program would be a living hell for me.

cagefree

White-knuckling at its finest


Nice! I wish to GOD I would have said that and stuck with it, instead of being his friend after I kicked him out. Would've saved me a lot of time and heart-ache.

Oh, and my XABF started going back to meetings 2 days after I kicked him out. I wish it had something to do with love and wanting to be with me...but he was terrified of going it alone...a scared little mouse.

denny57

How do you know he has been sober? I'm curious, because even though I suspect AH continues to drink, I have no way of knowing for sure one way or the other.

Barbara52

Well, I can't be positive of course but I have been in the house (popping in early in the morning to pick up mail and have'nt seen him when I've done so) and there are no signs of his drinking (empties, etc.) The bottles of whisky and gin are still there and the level of booze in them is the same. Those who have seen him have said he's always ben sober. {shrug} I htink he has stopped for now. But I am also sure that sooner or later he will start again when something pushes him beyond where he can deal with "it" without the alcohol since he is doing nothing to understand himself.

Barbara52

You should have seen the 2 poems he sent me after we met. {gag me} One was a poor little me the bill collectors are gonna kill me. The other was about hope almost died today but I won't give up on us.

Fantasy world. That's where he's living.

hbb

((Barbara)) good for you for staying strong in your own recovery. I'm sure it wasn't easy to stay strong but looks like your doing awesome...good for you!! I often wonder if i would crumble if given that opportunity to meet and talk. Good for you, stay strong.

Barbara52

Actually Heather, it wasn't hard at all. It felt a little awkward at first but it felt good to tell him face to face that I am never coming back, that divorce is coming. I am strong and only forgot it temporary when I was married to him. I have remembered me! And I like me very much indeed.

hbb

Oh i hope i didn't come across wrong! I envy your strength and hope to get there too my thoughts are with you. (())

lillamy

That's good stuff.

Barbara52

Oh no, not at all. I was just saying that it really wasn't hard. I am recovering my strength of self and that made it easy to say what needed to be said and mean it.

You too can get stronger and get to the point where you can say the things I am saying. I know with God's help its possible.

hbb

Thank you!

steve11694

It is sad as they do indeed live in a fantasy world. Self delusion, denial, etc etc.

I saw a bumper sticker" I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings"