It's all about boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
It's all about boundaries
My husband is currently going through treatment for chemical dependency. He is doing great in the moment and trying to work on our marriage and our family life. We have a 5 yr old and 3 yr old.
His mother is an alcoholic and wants to be a major part of our lives (within boundaries), mainly the kids. She has been requesting to take the kids places, even wanting them spend the night. I have refused, letting my husband be the bearer of bad news to her. He totally agrees with me.
One week ago, my husband wrote her a letter (mini intervention), saying that he loved her and wants her to be healthy, but as long as she is actively drinking, she cannot take our children anywhere without our supervision. He told her that she can visit at our home anytime and we could visit at her home whenever. He made it clear that these were our boundaries..."if you are going to actively drink, you can only have supervised visitation rights".
Just a piece of history...in the past, his mother has made poor decisions and used bad judgment due to drinking while watching our children.
Least to say, she is in total denial and told my husband she does not have a drinking problem. Oh well, these are our boundaries...like them or not!
Anyways, the other night she called my husband and asked if his addiction counselor could help her? She made an appt. to see the counselor at the end of this month. The counselor told my husband that it might take all four of us getting together (counselor, mother, husband and me) to work on this. When my husband talked to his mother, she basically told him that she set the appointment up with the counselor to see what she needed to do to help my husband with HIS treatment, not hers! She said that she needed to figure out a way to be able to take the kids and she wanted to see if his addiction counselor could help her. What a joke!
His mother is an alcoholic and wants to be a major part of our lives (within boundaries), mainly the kids. She has been requesting to take the kids places, even wanting them spend the night. I have refused, letting my husband be the bearer of bad news to her. He totally agrees with me.
One week ago, my husband wrote her a letter (mini intervention), saying that he loved her and wants her to be healthy, but as long as she is actively drinking, she cannot take our children anywhere without our supervision. He told her that she can visit at our home anytime and we could visit at her home whenever. He made it clear that these were our boundaries..."if you are going to actively drink, you can only have supervised visitation rights".
Just a piece of history...in the past, his mother has made poor decisions and used bad judgment due to drinking while watching our children.
Least to say, she is in total denial and told my husband she does not have a drinking problem. Oh well, these are our boundaries...like them or not!
Anyways, the other night she called my husband and asked if his addiction counselor could help her? She made an appt. to see the counselor at the end of this month. The counselor told my husband that it might take all four of us getting together (counselor, mother, husband and me) to work on this. When my husband talked to his mother, she basically told him that she set the appointment up with the counselor to see what she needed to do to help my husband with HIS treatment, not hers! She said that she needed to figure out a way to be able to take the kids and she wanted to see if his addiction counselor could help her. What a joke!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
One more thing...
My husband seems to be putting a lot of focus on his mother issue. Sometimes I wonder if it is going to interfere with his own treatment. It definitely has interfered with our marriage. I am very close to approaching his mother and telling her "No contact until you get YOUR life straightened out! Let us work on ours!"
But...I am currently reading "Codependency No More" and I am trying to detach with love and not let her control my feelings. It's really hard!!!
My husband seems to be putting a lot of focus on his mother issue. Sometimes I wonder if it is going to interfere with his own treatment. It definitely has interfered with our marriage. I am very close to approaching his mother and telling her "No contact until you get YOUR life straightened out! Let us work on ours!"
But...I am currently reading "Codependency No More" and I am trying to detach with love and not let her control my feelings. It's really hard!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I agree with Denny's take. At least your MIL is with a counsellor. Counsellors don't discuss their other clients. The counsellor will probably ask your MIL to suggest reasons why she can't have the grandchildren....tough questions for your MIL. Things might start to change.
Glad to read you and your husband agree on boundaries for the care of the children. My FIL wasn't an A but he should have had his license taken away 10 years before he completely smashed up his car at the age of 86. I refused to let our children travel in any car he was driving. Caused a lot of upset but so what?!
ARL
Glad to read you and your husband agree on boundaries for the care of the children. My FIL wasn't an A but he should have had his license taken away 10 years before he completely smashed up his car at the age of 86. I refused to let our children travel in any car he was driving. Caused a lot of upset but so what?!
ARL
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
As long as your children are safe and your husband is in treatment, you seem to be on the right road. It's good that you and your husband are both in agreement. Hopefully your MIL will see the light with the counsellor's help. Let go and let god!
Jenny
Jenny
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