How did you feel after you left him/her.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 6
How did you feel after you left him/her.....
Hi again!
I am on the brink of leaving my AH but I am so scared of what will come after........???? I have spoken to two co-workers that have been in the same situation and they both told me about their tremendous relief when they left. Now i don't feel that way. I am sad, scared and confused about it and still wish things could have worked out better.
I would be very grateful if some of you could share their emotions on this.
I am on the brink of leaving my AH but I am so scared of what will come after........???? I have spoken to two co-workers that have been in the same situation and they both told me about their tremendous relief when they left. Now i don't feel that way. I am sad, scared and confused about it and still wish things could have worked out better.
I would be very grateful if some of you could share their emotions on this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i was never married to my ex... but when our relationship first ended, i was in so much pain that i honestly thought i was going to die while mourning the loss of what we had. i think part of me will always wish things could have been better between us, but the fact that it wasn't turning out that way was devastating for me.
down the road a few months though, i can say that i'm feeling much better than i ever thought i would have. i'm relieved i'm no longer living with the fear of what kinds of drama a new day would bring.
down the road a few months though, i can say that i'm feeling much better than i ever thought i would have. i'm relieved i'm no longer living with the fear of what kinds of drama a new day would bring.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by vinnie 
I am sad, scared and confused about it and still wish things could have worked out better.
But the good news is they don't last forever. They are just a part of the journey we must go through to get to brighter days ahead.
I think 'whatever' you are feeling, and 'whenever' you are feeling it is just where you need to be.
Keep reading the posts here. It helps!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Welcome Vinnie
I knew I was doing the right thing when I kicked him out. It really sucked at first, but it was the first step I had taken for ME in a long time. Every day since has been a step for ME which has turned into a lovely new road I never would have had the chance of traveling if I had stayed in the chaos.
I knew I was doing the right thing when I kicked him out. It really sucked at first, but it was the first step I had taken for ME in a long time. Every day since has been a step for ME which has turned into a lovely new road I never would have had the chance of traveling if I had stayed in the chaos.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
It was a rollercoaster ride. My emotions were all over the place. But the day I packed my belongings, I had a sence of relief. I took a deep breath and knew I was doing the right thing. The days that followed were a little hard. At times I wanted to go back, but not because I missed my AH, but because I missed my home. (Terrible I know) I can honestly say, I do not miss his drama, passing out, loveless hugs and kisses..
I focused on myself. Got back into school, started to connect with friends I had lost long ago.. It's not an easy decision. Leaving is a very hard thing to do... But it does get better. Once you leave, you must promise yourself to stick with a recovery for yourself, and don't get sucked into "HIS" drama... (trust me, he will give you drama when you go)...
I focused on myself. Got back into school, started to connect with friends I had lost long ago.. It's not an easy decision. Leaving is a very hard thing to do... But it does get better. Once you leave, you must promise yourself to stick with a recovery for yourself, and don't get sucked into "HIS" drama... (trust me, he will give you drama when you go)...
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I left three months ago(omg! three months tomorrow) and I have been through every single emotion you can imagine. I tried for 12 years to leave and never found the courage. I still have those days where I doubt my decision but the truth is that what everyone says is true...the longer I'm away from him the more I get him out of my head and the easier I feel.
Hmm...I've been sitting here thinking about this. I don't for once regret leaving him. AT ALL. What I regret is that things couldn't work out. I feel so much pity for him that it hurts me tremendously but he made his choice.
Leaving was a good thing for me, even though some days the pain is overwhelming. However, getting some good days under my belt makes all the difference.
Hmm...I've been sitting here thinking about this. I don't for once regret leaving him. AT ALL. What I regret is that things couldn't work out. I feel so much pity for him that it hurts me tremendously but he made his choice.
Leaving was a good thing for me, even though some days the pain is overwhelming. However, getting some good days under my belt makes all the difference.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I left my AH one month ago. Within days, I felt the load off my shoulders, starting being able to relax and felt this really odd emotion that I finally recognized as happiness. It had been so long since I had felt happy about life. There have been times of mourning the loss of a marriage, one that never really was what I had hoped for and wanted. There are times I feel incredibly sad that although AH has stopped drinking, he is not working any sort of recovery program and I konw he needs help.
But over all, I am so glad I got up the courage to move out. It was the best thing I could do for me, my sons and for AH.
But over all, I am so glad I got up the courage to move out. It was the best thing I could do for me, my sons and for AH.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well let’s see there will be sadness and it will be hard in a few ways.
It will take a while to get over the relationship just like any other.
But, you will see life differently; things will get much better.
After you get over the silly romantic notion , that someone is really going to change and you will live happily ever after, life will get better.
I look back on how my life was and all the wasted years and I wish I could have played it differently.
Yes we give it our all and it didn’t work out, so be it. Move on and count your blessings that you still have time left on this planet, DON”T WASTE IT.
It will take a while to get over the relationship just like any other.
But, you will see life differently; things will get much better.
After you get over the silly romantic notion , that someone is really going to change and you will live happily ever after, life will get better.
I look back on how my life was and all the wasted years and I wish I could have played it differently.
Yes we give it our all and it didn’t work out, so be it. Move on and count your blessings that you still have time left on this planet, DON”T WASTE IT.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Someone on another board said, "We are working in our own heart's time".
You will do what you need to do when you are good and ready.
Do what's right for you. We can only offer our experiences.
For me, it was a huge relief. I suffered so much that by the time I left, I didn't have an ounce of energy to spend on suffering any more.
I got an apartment and the first night I stayed there, I felt at peace for the first time in years.
You will do what you need to do when you are good and ready.
Do what's right for you. We can only offer our experiences.
For me, it was a huge relief. I suffered so much that by the time I left, I didn't have an ounce of energy to spend on suffering any more.
I got an apartment and the first night I stayed there, I felt at peace for the first time in years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
Making the decision to separate was pure torment. Once done, I felt & feel a lot of sadness at what "could have been," but it's a peaceful, relieved sadness. And other than that, I feel like myself again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
V,
I knew my ex AH for 10 years he asked me to marry him after about a year of not seeing him (at all physically). I thought he was God sent to me. I married him and did not stay long. I wanted it to work, I wanted the happy family of my own to love and protect from all things. What I want isn't always what I get. Sometimes it is my job to see that I can't get blood from a turnip. I can't make things they way I want them to be. I have to do the next best thing for me. I got a little self esteem from the program and I soon realized that no matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I wanted it to work, he wasn't capable of contributing to a sucessful marriage. I know that my Momma didn't raise me to be treated the way I was being treated. I was the problem because I was willing to sell myself out to be married to him and take what he was dishing out. I was sick. Since I left, it hurt. I was soooo confused my mind and my heart were going totally different directions. My self esteem (before the lights came on) was nil. I am so sad that it ended. I am so sorry it ended. I gave it everything I could which was too much.
Now, I am relieved. I am relieved that I don't have to wait to see what fight he is going to pick with me so he can storm out of the house to some undisclosed location with undislosed people where his cell phone doesn't work because he has turned it off. I don't have to wonder when he will come home. I don't have to wonder what I will come home to. I don't have to be "surprised" by any behavior. I can go to bed and wake up from a fitful night sleep and have a good day. I used to toss and turn. I used to worry that he wouldn't make it home alive (he wrecked two cars and laid down his Harley).
When I married him, his sister told me that "every woman should always have enough in the bank for 2 months rent" hmmmm wonder what she knew! She was right. I had to leave. I called movers, I paid them to put all of my stuff in storage and I left. I told him that if he wanted to be a husband, he knew where to find me. I haven't heard from him. I didn't realize how much I didn't matter because he is sick. I was hurting myself trying to understand, trying to accept unacceptable things, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He may know he is sick or he may not. The bottom line is I am better off today. I don't have to accept unacceptable things. I am not responsible for him. I am only responsible for me.To him, I was getting in the way of his drinking. You are responsible for you. Al Anon is awesome. The people in the rooms are awesome, life is awesome when you live one day at a time and you do the next right thing.
I am in Iraq and I get to leave tomorrow to come to the states for two weeks! I can't wait to go to meetings!
Take care of you.
I knew my ex AH for 10 years he asked me to marry him after about a year of not seeing him (at all physically). I thought he was God sent to me. I married him and did not stay long. I wanted it to work, I wanted the happy family of my own to love and protect from all things. What I want isn't always what I get. Sometimes it is my job to see that I can't get blood from a turnip. I can't make things they way I want them to be. I have to do the next best thing for me. I got a little self esteem from the program and I soon realized that no matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I wanted it to work, he wasn't capable of contributing to a sucessful marriage. I know that my Momma didn't raise me to be treated the way I was being treated. I was the problem because I was willing to sell myself out to be married to him and take what he was dishing out. I was sick. Since I left, it hurt. I was soooo confused my mind and my heart were going totally different directions. My self esteem (before the lights came on) was nil. I am so sad that it ended. I am so sorry it ended. I gave it everything I could which was too much.
Now, I am relieved. I am relieved that I don't have to wait to see what fight he is going to pick with me so he can storm out of the house to some undisclosed location with undislosed people where his cell phone doesn't work because he has turned it off. I don't have to wonder when he will come home. I don't have to wonder what I will come home to. I don't have to be "surprised" by any behavior. I can go to bed and wake up from a fitful night sleep and have a good day. I used to toss and turn. I used to worry that he wouldn't make it home alive (he wrecked two cars and laid down his Harley).
When I married him, his sister told me that "every woman should always have enough in the bank for 2 months rent" hmmmm wonder what she knew! She was right. I had to leave. I called movers, I paid them to put all of my stuff in storage and I left. I told him that if he wanted to be a husband, he knew where to find me. I haven't heard from him. I didn't realize how much I didn't matter because he is sick. I was hurting myself trying to understand, trying to accept unacceptable things, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He may know he is sick or he may not. The bottom line is I am better off today. I don't have to accept unacceptable things. I am not responsible for him. I am only responsible for me.To him, I was getting in the way of his drinking. You are responsible for you. Al Anon is awesome. The people in the rooms are awesome, life is awesome when you live one day at a time and you do the next right thing.
I am in Iraq and I get to leave tomorrow to come to the states for two weeks! I can't wait to go to meetings!
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Wow, I am glad I found your post today. It has been a decision I have been struggling with awhile. My ABF has been sober over 8 months but still is angry, manipulative, etc. I feel sadness for what could have been and I finally have accepted the fact that I can't change him. It is scary to think of being without him, I do truly love him. On the other hand, I miss my freedom and tranquility. It's a very tough decision and you will need alot of support to get through the tough times. Better days await you.
I would focus on all the positive things your going to do with your life. Start thinking about your future and how wonderful your life will be when you are stress free. Set some goals and focus on accomplishing them. It will take your mind off of him and the problem. Good luck!
I would focus on all the positive things your going to do with your life. Start thinking about your future and how wonderful your life will be when you are stress free. Set some goals and focus on accomplishing them. It will take your mind off of him and the problem. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Welcome Vinnie!
My AH moved out 3 months ago, it was his idea and I did nothing to encourage him to stay. I wanted him out and am thankful it was his idea. Since he left, my life has become peaceful. When I get home from work, my house is exactly the way I left it. I now sleep through the night without interruptions of him coming home drunk, snoring through the night, falling down the stairs, running into walls, going to the restroom multiple times a night...
Now the feelings. Most of the time I feel at peace with life. There are those occasions when I start to slip and get caught up in his drama and believe me he creates drama. But when these times come, I reach out to this site, go to an Al-anon meeting or get together with a friend or family member. This helps me regain my focus on healing me and not worrying about him. I also now feel the freedom to do things for myself. For example, my son and I joined a Taekwondo class last night. That is something I would have never done if my AH was still in the house.
I too have the feelings of loss. Not loss of my AH but loss of dreams of the happy little family, a healthy relationship that never was... I think that is natural to go through the mourning process when you break away from someone you have been with for so long regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the relationship was. I also have feelings of sadness. Sadness for him and how the drinking has him in it's grips and he hasn't made any changes to get better. But also know that it is something that I can never change for him. He has to do it for himself. The only thing I can do is focus on myself and my son.
Good luck with your decision. You will do what is right for you. Just remember, we are here for you. Keep posting.
Jen
My AH moved out 3 months ago, it was his idea and I did nothing to encourage him to stay. I wanted him out and am thankful it was his idea. Since he left, my life has become peaceful. When I get home from work, my house is exactly the way I left it. I now sleep through the night without interruptions of him coming home drunk, snoring through the night, falling down the stairs, running into walls, going to the restroom multiple times a night...
Now the feelings. Most of the time I feel at peace with life. There are those occasions when I start to slip and get caught up in his drama and believe me he creates drama. But when these times come, I reach out to this site, go to an Al-anon meeting or get together with a friend or family member. This helps me regain my focus on healing me and not worrying about him. I also now feel the freedom to do things for myself. For example, my son and I joined a Taekwondo class last night. That is something I would have never done if my AH was still in the house.
I too have the feelings of loss. Not loss of my AH but loss of dreams of the happy little family, a healthy relationship that never was... I think that is natural to go through the mourning process when you break away from someone you have been with for so long regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the relationship was. I also have feelings of sadness. Sadness for him and how the drinking has him in it's grips and he hasn't made any changes to get better. But also know that it is something that I can never change for him. He has to do it for himself. The only thing I can do is focus on myself and my son.
Good luck with your decision. You will do what is right for you. Just remember, we are here for you. Keep posting.
Jen
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I do believe if you follow your heart nothing will change.
When you look at reality and follow your brain you will make a move.
Common sense and the will to survive will force you to change things..
When you look at reality and follow your brain you will make a move.
Common sense and the will to survive will force you to change things..
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
V 
Feelings are valid not matter who says any different they are yours, feel them do not be afraid. It is grief of loosing someone be them dying or alive-there are stages we go through to get to a better life for ourselves. Feel what you feel and learn from the experience that you had with him, treasure the good times, the memories and learn to forgive for yourself then turn him over to your HP!
One day at time you will make it through this....
I know in my situation-I had buried the love of my life and I never thought I could ever get over that but, I did in time .....when it came to kicking out the XABF I thought I was never going to get over this ...."I loved him" blah blah but, I stepped back after getting back with him a few times after I kicked him out and the behaviors had changed-mine for the better while working my recovery and him NOPE not at all-it became easier as I became healthier and was not doing the dance anymore to see that what was being done was "the right thing"
I have to partially disagree with it being "wasted time" I feel that it was something that my HP put me through at the time to learn what I was doing to myself and that I needed help too! I'm blessed for that time because I discovered me again-and also discovered that I do not want to waste time in the future with someone who is wasting their own on being sick. Was it wasted on my part sure in some degree I agree with that but I was sick how did I know?
I do agree if we do not use our brain and just use our heart we will stay stuck! Using both at the same time now that is the ticket!
It is ok to feel these emotions! Feel them but also remember to help yourself! Meetings? SR.....Stickies...you are not alone in this!
Feelings are valid not matter who says any different they are yours, feel them do not be afraid. It is grief of loosing someone be them dying or alive-there are stages we go through to get to a better life for ourselves. Feel what you feel and learn from the experience that you had with him, treasure the good times, the memories and learn to forgive for yourself then turn him over to your HP!
One day at time you will make it through this....
I know in my situation-I had buried the love of my life and I never thought I could ever get over that but, I did in time .....when it came to kicking out the XABF I thought I was never going to get over this ...."I loved him" blah blah but, I stepped back after getting back with him a few times after I kicked him out and the behaviors had changed-mine for the better while working my recovery and him NOPE not at all-it became easier as I became healthier and was not doing the dance anymore to see that what was being done was "the right thing"
I have to partially disagree with it being "wasted time" I feel that it was something that my HP put me through at the time to learn what I was doing to myself and that I needed help too! I'm blessed for that time because I discovered me again-and also discovered that I do not want to waste time in the future with someone who is wasting their own on being sick. Was it wasted on my part sure in some degree I agree with that but I was sick how did I know?
I do agree if we do not use our brain and just use our heart we will stay stuck! Using both at the same time now that is the ticket!
Now i don't feel that way. I am sad, scared and confused about it and still wish things could have worked out better.
Last edited by Rella927; 08-10-2007 at 06:09 AM. Reason: spelling
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I think you're right there, Mr. C. My heart says how much I love him and how much he needs me and I need him. It's also my heart that says to remember the good and how it can be like that again.
My head, however cold it may seem to my heart, speaks with common sense. My head has ME as it's best interest.
The secret is to line the two up...somehow!?
I just try and remember my heart kept me in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic far too long and my head gave me strength to get out.
My head, however cold it may seem to my heart, speaks with common sense. My head has ME as it's best interest.
The secret is to line the two up...somehow!?
I just try and remember my heart kept me in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic far too long and my head gave me strength to get out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
what did it feel like? felt like i had been gutted and my entrails were dragging behind me in the dust and gravel. felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and i was holding it in my hand, staring at it, waiting for it to quit beating.
at the same time, i slept so deeply and soundly for days and days after "the split".
it was really rough going there for a while.....but the good news is......i survived and am happier now than i have ever been. it took a lot of work on myself....it was all kinda like cutting off a malignant growth and waiting for the healing to begin.....i had to know how to follow a prescription for healing and do it. not always easy. but do-able if you want it badly enough.
and i agree whole heartidly with mr c.......following my heart kept me in pain....following my head led me out of the pain.
at the same time, i slept so deeply and soundly for days and days after "the split".
it was really rough going there for a while.....but the good news is......i survived and am happier now than i have ever been. it took a lot of work on myself....it was all kinda like cutting off a malignant growth and waiting for the healing to begin.....i had to know how to follow a prescription for healing and do it. not always easy. but do-able if you want it badly enough.
and i agree whole heartidly with mr c.......following my heart kept me in pain....following my head led me out of the pain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hardest thing ive ever had to do was leave my xab, because i love the man. he's an alcoholic simple I HAD NO CHOICE but to leave him. It hurts for a while then it get's better. I dont trust what my heart tells me anymore, i'll trust my head only for now. I havent seen my xab for 6 weeks and im feeling stronger, i still cry for what could have beens, angry with the world normal emotions i guess when a relationship ends. Read here on a daily basis, hourly even that's what helped me.
Mair xxx
Mair xxx
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