keepingmyjoy

Hi again all. I did it! I told my AH that I would no longer enable him to drink by "picking up beer" for him anymore. I was shocked at first. He seemed like he understood and that he really was out of control and that he needed help. He seemed to understand when I told him about his behavior of the night before and how I would not help him to treat me that way. (the night before was very bad!) He said he did not blame me for feeling this way. Then he tried to tell me that he did not remember any of it. When I said "I am sure you can understand why that does not make me feel any better about the awful things you said and how much they hurt", he even said he understood. He started talking about how he even had talked about going to a treatment center etc. Then, he tells me that he will finish the beer in the fridge for now and see what happens. Mr. Hyde I presume?

So, he drinks the 6 or so beers in the fridge and sits in the bedroom watching TV for the next 5 hrs. He basically was hiding and stewing. My over 18 daughter moved back in 2 weeks ago after breaking up with her boyfriend and having nowhere else to go. They have never gotten along--as a teenager and still, she has a tendency to get mouthy and will not take his crap. I did not want her to move in to protect her from "His A**H***ness" and his this is "my house" routine. He is so verbally abusive to her when he drinks. But, they had been getting along lately and when he was rather in the bag, HE invites her to move in! So here he is hiding in the bedroom, only coming out to smoke etc. He says, "Yeah, I am supposed to go to rehab and leave you guys in MY house!"

All of a sudden, he comes out of the bedroom when I said dinner was ready and sees daughter in kitchen getting dinner. He mutters and goes back into the bedroom. She goes downstairs to her bedroom to eat. He comes out and refuses to eat, starts in with the whole "get her out of my house" and calling her names. He then once again starts in on the rants of the night before--"I am putting a for sale sign on the house Monday morning if you do not have her out by Monday." This is Sunday (today) at 5:15!!!!! And the day before, he said she could stay as long as her "attitude" stays in check. Honestly, I give her credit. She has stayed out of his way, stayed in her room the entire weekend. He had no reason to do any of this except (I think) to make her the scapegoat. He tells me he wants a divorce and that he refuses to support her. I am supposed to be ready to give him a full financial accounting of "his" money tomorrow and give him his cc's.

Stupid me, I tried to ask him why! I asked why he would want to throw his wife and son out of his life that easily? He kept telling me he did not know. Later he comes out and gives me a hug and says he is sorry! I tried not to cry, but the tears came anyway. The other thing that came out is that he wants me to choose between him and my daughter! Can you believe that!?

Here's my take on this: I think he is trying to do the "I'm the lord of the castle" routine and try to get me to get my daughter out so he can convince me to keep up his "cushy life" of drinking unbothered. (I do everything--including drive him to work and pick him up every day since he has had 3 dwi's in the last 10 years and cannot drive).

I explained very calmly that even if my daughter left tomorrow, he and I would still have major problems and that I will still not buy his beer any more.

So now, he alternates between kissing me on head, to being a total jerk.

What do you think? Is he bluffing? I am just staying calm and quiet and waiting to see what happens. Do you think I should be doing anything else?

Thanks for your help.

cookconfay

IMHO, I'd kick his alcoholic a$$ out. HIS house? Was it his house before you were married? And even if it was, there is a son involved. NOPE, ain't havin it, but that's me. I wouldn't enable his a$$ anymore if I were you. But again, that's me. I kicked mine out over 3 1/2 yrs ago. Today he's in prison, we are divorced and I have a 3 yr old. But. . .do I miss his lying? NOPE, Do I miss the verbal and emotional abuse? NOPE, do I miss his incessant demand for my attention, NOPE. He made his bed now he's lying in it!!! If I can get clean and sober, I know anyone else can too that wants it bad enough and who has come far enough down the hole. But...all of this is my opinion and how I handle things. Prayers and hugs for you. . .don't know if you do Al-Anon or not, but if not. . .maybe it's time to check it out?

I think it's perfectly ok to give the ultimatum right back at him. . .either get help or it's over. That's how I did things though.

baggervance

Choose daughter kick his ass to the curb.dont move out call cops move his ass out.On pity pot wanting petting.Id get a sign and put her up for him hell its half yours.Drink rest of these beers see how it goes BS.
doing same thing over and over expecting different results.Yeah that is insanity

keepingmyjoy

Thanks. No question daughter will be my choice. He already knows that--I have done it before and moved out on him (pre child). House is in his name, but he nothing to get us here, I did it all. He just came in and signed papers because his credit better than mine, so better rate etc. But he uses the fact that he "owns" the house all the time. I got the times for the local alanon meetings and will check them out again. The local one I went to before I will try again. Was not helpful last time. But could have different people this time. Today will be interesting since no beer in house and I will not buy him any or stop the car for him to get any (remember, he can't drive!) Thanks so much for your replies.

Barbara52

I would consult with an attorney over what your status concerning the house is. I may be that because its in his name alone, you have no rights to it. It depends onthe laws in your state.

respektingme

That exact thing happened to me 2 weeks ago. AH got drunk and tried telling me he was going to move downstairs, and that we had to live together for the sake of the kids, but that yes, he really wanted a divorce. I left the room and got in the shower. He was waiting when I got out. I told him I indeed could get a divorce, and that I planned to spend the afternoon looking for another place to live. Woah!!!!

His big, manipulating tactic didn't work!!! I didn't beg him to change his mind. I didn't run scared from his threat. I took him up on it. Flipped him out!! Within a few hours he was begging my forgiveness. That night as we laid in bed, he held me so tight. We were in the dark and I was just rolling my eyes. Been through this crap so many times that it was just part of the game. He was clinging to me because I called his bluff.

In fact, what really blew his mind was when I told him I have consulted with an attorney about my rights post-marriage, in every state we have lived in. I have taken notes over the course of our marriage as to what he has said to me, how much he has drank, all the stunts he has pulled, etc. And as a matter of fact, the last attorney told me she had never seen anyone take such meticulous notes!!!

YES I'm damned well prepared to skin his hide in court. Sorry, but putting up with his drunk ass for 13 years has been no picnic and I have always known we could end up at this place. It's also one of the reasons I finished my bachelor's degree last year.

My advice to you is that knowledge is power. Attorneys charge by the hour. It takes about 30 mins. to get your answers from one. Ask to make an appt. and make sure you have your questions written down in advance as to not waste a minute. If the attorney starts to ramble, redirect and get to the next question. Time is money, money out of your pocket into theirs.

Additionally, I don't think it matters a hill of beans whose name the house is in. Check out http://www.divorceinfo.com/nyfaqspropertydivision.htm

If he inherited the house during the marriage, that might be a different deal. Or if he had it before you were married. But anything acquired during the marriage is up for division, no matter whose name the property is in.

So, you might want to check that out. And the next time he gets drunk and threatens to kick you out of HIS house, you might want to simply tell him that the house is both of yours, and that if he doesn't leave you'll call the cops and have his ass thrown out that second. Reclaim the power you have in this relationship. Know your rights. If you see an attorney, take his pay stub and yours with you. You'll know how much he'd have to pay you in child support.

You can have answers to almost all of your questions, so you'll know just exactly how empty his threats are. Once you have done this, you'll find it much easier to blow his threats off rather than be freaked out by them.

Mr. Christian

You know in my , oh so humble opinion, what does it matter if he is bluffing or not?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your days on this earth living like this?
Don’t you care about yourself of even your daughter?
The bigger question here my friend is what are your next moves to get rid of the drunk in your life?

You have more power then you think in this situation.

keepingmyjoy

Wow. Some really good points. Thanks Mr. Christian for giving a couple of really good questions to ponder! I think I am so used to it myself, and I usually ignore it, that when it affects my daughter, that's when I see it all more clearly and stand up to it. I am so glad I joined this site! Thank you all.