My Ex-boyfriend's sudden mood change
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Charm, my heart goes out to you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that this recovering alcoholic didn't have the fog lift for at least 6 months. After that, it was 2 years before I felt I was grasping the basic concepts of the program (it was my second time through). When I first sobered up, my focus was on recovery. Feelings that were stuffed for years came bursting out of me, and I didn't know how to handle them without using, because that was how I always handled my feelings-I drank them away. Just because the alcoholic puts down the drink doesn't mean everything changes. This is a three-fold disease-spirutual, physical, and mental, and until all three areas are worked on, change is slow.
I just left the XABF, and today is one week of no contact. I blocked his number. After a trillion break-ups and make-ups, I finally realized something...I used to get some sort of validation out of the fact that he would call me crying and apologizing, promising never to do it again. I thought it meant he loved me. If the phone didn't ring or the text didn't come through, I was stuck in that black hole. But the minute it did, woohhh, yippee, I'm worth something again. This time I took the option out of his hands. It is peaceful. It is not being attached to that phone as if it is a life line. It is freedom. I made the decision that no contact is the way for me to go, because I want peace. I don't care what he wants. It's not my business. I know that one conversation with him, one text from him, and I would be trying (once again) to figure him out. There is no figuring out the alcoholic. There is only trying to figure out ourselves.
I know this is new to you, and you are raw on the inside, and I know your pain. I am there too. When I am with him, I don't realize my self-worth. Each day will get a little better, and some days are harder than others. I'm so glad you posted here, please keep posting. Big hugs!!!!
I just left the XABF, and today is one week of no contact. I blocked his number. After a trillion break-ups and make-ups, I finally realized something...I used to get some sort of validation out of the fact that he would call me crying and apologizing, promising never to do it again. I thought it meant he loved me. If the phone didn't ring or the text didn't come through, I was stuck in that black hole. But the minute it did, woohhh, yippee, I'm worth something again. This time I took the option out of his hands. It is peaceful. It is not being attached to that phone as if it is a life line. It is freedom. I made the decision that no contact is the way for me to go, because I want peace. I don't care what he wants. It's not my business. I know that one conversation with him, one text from him, and I would be trying (once again) to figure him out. There is no figuring out the alcoholic. There is only trying to figure out ourselves.
I know this is new to you, and you are raw on the inside, and I know your pain. I am there too. When I am with him, I don't realize my self-worth. Each day will get a little better, and some days are harder than others. I'm so glad you posted here, please keep posting. Big hugs!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Charm 
So he texted today- and I responded flatly. It seemed like he was feeling me out. He also texted last night- and I wasn't mean- so he called and I guess he might have expected anger- but I was just resigned- I could see that much of the pain I am carrying was caused by me- I could see my responsibilty and my role in it. And like someone said earlier- this isn't what I want. Not after going through a divorce- not after losing my two twin premature sons last year- I can't take on such a liability for more pain.
So he called today- left a message- said he just wanted to hear my voice.
See what I mean??
So he called today- left a message- said he just wanted to hear my voice.
See what I mean??
When I finally left my EXAH, I thought the problem was solved. I spent 13 more miserable years engaging in toxic relationships, rationalizing that each one was NOT like the EXAH because they weren't junkies, or convicted felons, or they didn't beat on me.
The problem was my own 'broken-ness' that I kept trying to fix with outside resources (sex/relationships).
I had been carrying around emotional baggage since my childhood, and that baggage just kept stacking up through the years.
In order to get past the pain, I have had to walk through it with a combination of things. I've done a lot of 12 step work, and have been in therapy off and on over the years.
Wishing you a bright future, a quiet heart, and peace of mind. :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oro. Ca
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by MsGolightly
hi charm, welcome! 
i think each person so far has brought up some wonderful points... and i don't see anyone lecturing you or criticizing you - although i know i felt that way when i first started posting. as i've posted and read more here, i see that everyone was just being honest about their experiences and the alcoholic in their lives.
my ex's mood changes constantly. i was left for someone else who she had been with before and who she had secretly been talking to every day while we were together. i could feel her growing more and more distant towards me, until i eventually found out about it, and we split up. she continued to hang out and talk to both of us (stringing me along and making sure i was always there to fall back on, i presume) and when they fight or when they're having problems, she suddenly misses me again and makes contact.
your ex very well could be drinking again, or he could not. maybe the girl he met is no longer giving him what he needs, so he's turning back to you. respektingme was very right above when she spoke of how alcoholics are very self-absorbed and will control and manipulate to get what they need or want.
i was with my ex for two years and during that time, i never once saw the personality traits i see in her today... because she didn't bring them out. she didn't want me to see those parts of her... so, she became very good at hiding it and manipulating the situation. but mood swings, yes, i've seen them.
(keep posting here; you'll find it helps you a great deal!)
i think each person so far has brought up some wonderful points... and i don't see anyone lecturing you or criticizing you - although i know i felt that way when i first started posting. as i've posted and read more here, i see that everyone was just being honest about their experiences and the alcoholic in their lives.
my ex's mood changes constantly. i was left for someone else who she had been with before and who she had secretly been talking to every day while we were together. i could feel her growing more and more distant towards me, until i eventually found out about it, and we split up. she continued to hang out and talk to both of us (stringing me along and making sure i was always there to fall back on, i presume) and when they fight or when they're having problems, she suddenly misses me again and makes contact.
your ex very well could be drinking again, or he could not. maybe the girl he met is no longer giving him what he needs, so he's turning back to you. respektingme was very right above when she spoke of how alcoholics are very self-absorbed and will control and manipulate to get what they need or want.
i was with my ex for two years and during that time, i never once saw the personality traits i see in her today... because she didn't bring them out. she didn't want me to see those parts of her... so, she became very good at hiding it and manipulating the situation. but mood swings, yes, i've seen them.
(keep posting here; you'll find it helps you a great deal!)
hi MsGolighty
i actually have a question and need some input on the above issues and i was not sure where or who to talk to about the following.
My bf and i dated for a year and then he violated probation (4th violation)
and was sentenced to 5 months in prison for it. When he came home he was way different, with the way he talked to me, his body etc...
He became angry, demanding and seemed to think he was the man and i was the woman and that is that.
Well i don' know anyone who has ever been in prison before and i am just so upset cause my bf is gone, gone as personality and gone like we are broke up gone.
Now he is hanging out with the guy that was with him to begin with when he got in trouble. I thought that one of the most important things in recovery and staying sober is to stop hanging out with the people in your life that either are users or the ones that were with you when you did what you did.
Not only is he over there he is drinking, i was on line and saw their picture on my friends profile and he has a beer in his hands and his eyes are all looking great !
He has already been drunk 5 times since he has been home (6 weeks) and did one no no that he got in trouble for already.
What do i do, nothing since we are no longer or what ?????
He always sits there and claims that he is not an alcoholic and doesn't need any of this ****, but when he drinks he gets drunk as hell and does really stupid stuff...
please help
thanks
Sheryl
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oro. Ca
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by WhytsGirl86ed
hi MsGolighty
i actually have a question and need some input on the above issues and i was not sure where or who to talk to about the following.
My bf and i dated for a year and then he violated probation (4th violation)
and was sentenced to 5 months in prison for it. When he came home he was way different, with the way he talked to me, his body etc...
He became angry, demanding and seemed to think he was the man and i was the woman and that is that.
Well i don' know anyone who has ever been in prison before and i am just so upset cause my bf is gone, gone as personality and gone like we are broke up gone.
Now he is hanging out with the guy that was with him to begin with when he got in trouble. I thought that one of the most important things in recovery and staying sober is to stop hanging out with the people in your life that either are users or the ones that were with you when you did what you did.
Not only is he over there he is drinking, i was on line and saw their picture on my friends profile and he has a beer in his hands and his eyes are all looking glossy !
He has already been drunk 5 times since he has been home (6 weeks) and did one no no that he got in trouble for already.
What do i do, nothing since we are no longer or what ?????
He always sits there and claims that he is not an alcoholic and doesn't need any of this ****, but when he drinks he gets drunk as hell and does really stupid stuff...
please help
thanks
Sheryl
i actually have a question and need some input on the above issues and i was not sure where or who to talk to about the following.
My bf and i dated for a year and then he violated probation (4th violation)
and was sentenced to 5 months in prison for it. When he came home he was way different, with the way he talked to me, his body etc...
He became angry, demanding and seemed to think he was the man and i was the woman and that is that.
Well i don' know anyone who has ever been in prison before and i am just so upset cause my bf is gone, gone as personality and gone like we are broke up gone.
Now he is hanging out with the guy that was with him to begin with when he got in trouble. I thought that one of the most important things in recovery and staying sober is to stop hanging out with the people in your life that either are users or the ones that were with you when you did what you did.
Not only is he over there he is drinking, i was on line and saw their picture on my friends profile and he has a beer in his hands and his eyes are all looking glossy !
He has already been drunk 5 times since he has been home (6 weeks) and did one no no that he got in trouble for already.
What do i do, nothing since we are no longer or what ?????
He always sits there and claims that he is not an alcoholic and doesn't need any of this ****, but when he drinks he gets drunk as hell and does really stupid stuff...
please help
thanks
Sheryl
Actually this is to anyone on this thread,
i guess i shouldn't worry about him but i do and these friends were not even around when he was going thru his Court stuff and while he was in prison, i was !
But now i am the BAD GUY and he will have nothing to do with me =[
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
I know how you feel/felt
Dear Charm
Ive been through a similar experience to you in the fact that ive been affected by ex boyfriend going through recovery. He'd been sober from alcohol 6 years but then cross addicted with weed on and off since. He told me he's stopped smoking the dope for 6 months the second time we were in contact. Endless texts, phoning.
I knew him when smoking (1st time) and then he re-entered by life when not smoking.
Although his 'moods' did not swing so dramatically and in an obvious way as when smoking he was still the same person underneath. He still had mood swings, the same old personality triats still emerged whether using or not.
He used to push and pull me about emotionally, play with my emotions but i dont think it was intentional, he was/is just sick. We both meet at vulnerable times in our lifes - yep great sex - but thats it.
Im better away from him in general, im lonely and grieving from my mom's death - thats when i meet him the first time, just after she died.
I say stay away and don't waste 10 - 20 years on this man, like some do. He will never change. Its not you, its him. He'll treat the next woman just the same. His mood swings are down to his personality.
Try reading stuff about symptons of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), this hit the nail on the head for me. It may help.
Each day is a day further into your new life without him. Slowly, it will just happen, you will move on.
Give yourself a big hug and congratulate yourself you didnt waste years on this loser.
Daisy100
Ive been through a similar experience to you in the fact that ive been affected by ex boyfriend going through recovery. He'd been sober from alcohol 6 years but then cross addicted with weed on and off since. He told me he's stopped smoking the dope for 6 months the second time we were in contact. Endless texts, phoning.
I knew him when smoking (1st time) and then he re-entered by life when not smoking.
Although his 'moods' did not swing so dramatically and in an obvious way as when smoking he was still the same person underneath. He still had mood swings, the same old personality triats still emerged whether using or not.
He used to push and pull me about emotionally, play with my emotions but i dont think it was intentional, he was/is just sick. We both meet at vulnerable times in our lifes - yep great sex - but thats it.
Im better away from him in general, im lonely and grieving from my mom's death - thats when i meet him the first time, just after she died.
I say stay away and don't waste 10 - 20 years on this man, like some do. He will never change. Its not you, its him. He'll treat the next woman just the same. His mood swings are down to his personality.
Try reading stuff about symptons of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), this hit the nail on the head for me. It may help.
Each day is a day further into your new life without him. Slowly, it will just happen, you will move on.
Give yourself a big hug and congratulate yourself you didnt waste years on this loser.
Daisy100
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