My Ex-boyfriend's sudden mood change

Old 07-29-2007, 05:37 PM
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Unhappy My Ex-boyfriend's sudden mood change

Hello- I am new to these boards and could really use your help/advice.
I was seeing a guy for about five months up until last week. We met at a vulnerable time- he had gotten out of a rehab a few months earlier and was going through the death of his brother. I met him at a function concerning his brother and we connected instantly- like fireworks. It was an intense connection- mostly physical. I was just finalizing a divorce and rebuilding my life and was so thrilled to be around this guy who just seemed so intense and made me feel so desirable.
Well, the brother died- we went through that together and we texted each other and talked everyday except once for nearly the whole five months. He was fervent about his recovery- sometimes going to two or three AA meetings a day. He seemed so amazingly strong- so dedicated to beating his addiction. I have siblings who have alcohol and drug issues, but personally I am pretty green when it comes to that form of addiction...but I still felt like I was a support for him and I loved the way he seemed so into me. I met a lot of his friends- and it just seemed like everyone he knew he had met previously in some rehab- and he was always meeting with his sponsor. It annoyed me sometimes b/c I just felt he was so unavailable- and he expressed his issues about being afraid of a relationship as he is in recovery (rightfully so). But it still seemed like we could never break free of each other as when we saw each other we just meshed so well. I think perhaps we were addicted to each other.
Anyway- he'd pull back sometimes and I'd panic (after going through alot of rejection and loss in my life) but he'd always come back around. He was moody and started to express that he was struggling with the summer being here and having money in his pocket again and feeling like he really wanted to drink. He said he had strong feelings for me- I told him I loved him and he said it back shortly after only to retract that saying he was forced into it- it was something he knew I was expecting from him.He was like a rollercoaster- and I knew we'd never be long term- we lived an hour away from each other and we really opposites in the kinds of lives we led. ..
I know this story is getting too long- but I'm trying to include the deatils as when i look back nothing seems to make sense. He still every morning sent me a text saying good morning and checked in on me and was a really decent person- whom I felt so bad for as he just had so much stacked against him ( alcohol, drug dealing and use, jail time, impulsivity, etc...) and I'm the polar opposite- school board job- straight A's...never even smoked a cigarette...
A few weeks back we talked and it was good to clear the air and he expressed that he missed me and I drove to see him the next day- we had an unbelievable time together- although a bit of an uncomfortable chat as we knew it was really over between us- but still amicable.
Then- the text messages stopped. When I texted him- he replied in short curt phrases. He started acted really mean and admitted he was trying to blow me off. he said it wasn' going to work- that it was over- he wasn't emotionally ready for a relaitionship..etc...I asked what happened- did something happen to make him act like this and he said "a lot of things happened" and when I asked him if he met someone else (like I always do- childish fear) he said yes. :-(
He was such a jerk- he hung up on me...I couldn't believe it. I sobbed..and texted him back telling him I hope he finds peace...goodbye etc..and nursed a broken heart for nearly a week. After his texting me so much- I couldn't believe he didn't miss me- or that he could replace me with another so easily.
Well today out of the blue- he sends a text asking how i am...
after 15 min- i replied great how are you? and he went on to say he was awesome and was having lots of great days etc...amd later I texted him back saying i didn't know why he was being so mean to text me and brag about how happy he was..and he responded that I was nuts. Ouch! So I was lived and said I only cared for you- never hurt you..what goes around comes around- I hope no one F**s with your mind like u did mine
but no repsonse.
I just don't understand his behavior it's not at all like I have known him to be. Could it be that he has started drinking again? Does any of this sound familiar? Why would a guy hang on to me for 5 months only to act like a jerk now..he could have been a jerk in the beginning...I just don't get it.
I've let him go- although am broken hearted..and will needs lots of recovery time myself...but I'm just trying to understand. I'm not so expreienced with AA or NA or CA...I've only ever known him sober..could this be how he is off the wagon???
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:01 PM
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Welcome, charm. I am glad you've found us and although it can be a bit quiet here on weekends, I'm sure you'll get a lot more replies. These are my thoughts on your current situation:

You are trying to understand the mind of an alcoholic with a short period of recovery. The way he thought while active doesn't go away the day he puts down a drink. His mind may remain in "drunk mode" and be scrambled for quite awhile. He may pull a dry drunk until he really starts working the steps of his program. That takes time.

If you want a one-way ticket to the looney-bin, spend it going over and over and over in your mind, "Why did he do this?" "Why did he say that?" "I want and explanation from you as to why you're doing what you're doing." Asking an A to justify or explain actions and words is kinda like interfereing or stomping on hallowed ground. Active A's will get ticked off in a New York minute if you start in on them about their drinking. This guy is new to recovery. He needs lots of space just to get through the day without grabbing a drink. Respect him and his space.

Sorry for being so blunt, but I think in this situation your own needs would be best served if you (1) read the stickies at the top of our forum, (2) find Al-Anon groups in your area and try some meetings, (3) read literature such as "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and if you have the insurance coverage or funds to do so, (4) think of discussing your feelings with a counselor.

Perhaps you're addicted to each other? Yes, that is a very astute assumption on your part. You had a very quick, intense "connection" and got involved in each other physically. Hot sex is just that - hot sex. It doesn't have much to do with taking the time to know another person in order to make a commitment based on common interests, values, or goals. I've been through this myself. It leads to a lot of hurt and sorrow for one or both parties.

So why would a guy hang onto you for five months and then kick you to the curb? I don't know because I don't know the man. I can only speculate. He could have been using you for sex. He could have had feelings for you and then he didn't. He's new in his recovery, so he may still have scrambled-eggs for brains. It may have been a passionate love affair for him that has lost its novelty. It could be a million reasons. I don't think anybody here can honestly tell you why this specific individual did what he did.

I'm sorry you got hurt in this process. You own your recovery and your feelings. Nobody else does. I'd suggest you get your focus off of why he did what he did, and think about why you did what you did. Be gentle with yourself. You may have just picked the wrong guy who appeared to be the right guy at the time.
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:30 PM
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Charm,

I haven't been here long. I don't know the people who post here personally. Would you believe many of them already know my AH better than I do, and we've been married 13 years?

How could that make sense? Because alcoholics have some commonalities that are very prevelant in their personalities. A few of those traits are, they are extremely self-absorbed. They are usually only thinking about what they want/need. They are also selfish, and will control, manipulate, lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. Your feelings are an inconsequential fly on the windshield. It's unfortunate if you get hurt, but they don't even realize how bad you they hurt you.

It's best for you that you got away from him. Ever think it's odd how nurses wind up with alcoholics? Caregivers want to care for others. Alcoholics want to be cared for. Who is going to care for you???

My advice is to seek your own recovery through counseling, or Al-Anon and get a man who deserves you. By your own admission, you were from two different worlds. Find someone in your world and find peace, love, happiness and someone who appreciates you. Learn to appreciate yourself.
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
Hot sex is just that - hot sex. It doesn't have much to do with taking the time to know another person in order to make a commitment based on common interests, values, or goals.
And "hot sex" with an alcoholic doesn't stay hot for long. They're sort of into having their needs met and not worrying too much about anyone else's. That, and that old battery smell that exudes from their skin after they've been drinking, the googly eyes, the dumb@ss look, the stumbling, the breath, the slurring, all adds up to one humongous stumbling block to hot sex. And I can't even fathom having sex after they get to the point of peeing all over the house. That peeing thread is still fresh in my mind.

The hottest sex I ever had was with a guy who was INTO ME!! AHA! He was so sexy and knew what he was doing. He wasn't an addict or an alcoholic. Turned out he was a womanizer. But oh did he smell and look good.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:04 PM
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Absolutely right, respekt ... the sex "thing" kinda goes out the window sooner rather than later. Even if they are "in the mood" it's because they're half-tanked and they certainly wouldn't get a standing ovation for their so-called performance ....
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:17 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I did read the stickies..but still posted as I am feeling very hurt. I have read so many co dependent books and I know all about hot sex and how it's not love- etc..and I realize that you are trying to be helpful, Prodigal, to someone who might appear completely naive- but that I am not. I do see a therapist and I have been involved in AL-Anon.

I'm just hurt.

And I was asking about the mood change- whether it was something anyone else had experienced- abrupt changes in behavior. Could it be that he started drinking...that was what I was wondering.
I was looking for someone who might identify- not a lecture. I know sometimes people need a firm talking to about their thinking patterns- but I don't think that a first time poster is one of them unless they were contemplating doing something serious to hurt themselves etc. I'm only try to understand and grow from the situation althewhile feeling full of pain.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:23 PM
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Sorry you didn't get the reply you wanted or expected. No harshness intended. We have all experienced mood changes. My suggestions as to what you could consider doing were merely that - suggestions. Perhaps you should consider posting on the Alcoholics board. There are a lot of folks there with recovery that could give you a different perspective.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:27 PM
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Unhappy

Prodigal- I'm sorry- I'm just having a hard time.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:33 PM
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No apologies necessary, charm. I know you're hurting. We have all been through this emotional-wringer with the A's in our lives. When I first came here, I got my hackles up big-time because I thought some of the people responding were being blunt and uncaring. Actually, there are people here with a good deal of recovery. It doesn't mean, as one wise member told me, that we have are feces amalgamated (as in together!) but we DO care. Keep posting. We have A's in recovery join us here on a pretty regular basis and they can really offer some great insights.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:53 PM
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Hi Charm....i can relate to where you are coming from too. It's a real tough thing to deal and cope with. My ex and i were together 9 months (3 active and 6 sober). He left me at 6 sober, he was vauge, mean, avoiding and very very different and weird. Come to find out, it had something to do with his ex. But what i've learned and someone mentioned above, he can be a "dry drunk" which means you can physically not drink but doing everything else the same...i.e. same places, people and things.

You can take the drink away from a jerk and he's still a jerk unfortunately and that's what i found with me ex. Feel free to private message me and go and read my posts, i've been dealing with this for the past month and a half......we are all here for you ask away, we are all listening.
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Old 07-29-2007, 08:49 PM
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hi charm, welcome!

i think each person so far has brought up some wonderful points... and i don't see anyone lecturing you or criticizing you - although i know i felt that way when i first started posting. as i've posted and read more here, i see that everyone was just being honest about their experiences and the alcoholic in their lives.

my ex's mood changes constantly. i was left for someone else who she had been with before and who she had secretly been talking to every day while we were together. i could feel her growing more and more distant towards me, until i eventually found out about it, and we split up. she continued to hang out and talk to both of us (stringing me along and making sure i was always there to fall back on, i presume) and when they fight or when they're having problems, she suddenly misses me again and makes contact.

your ex very well could be drinking again, or he could not. maybe the girl he met is no longer giving him what he needs, so he's turning back to you. respektingme was very right above when she spoke of how alcoholics are very self-absorbed and will control and manipulate to get what they need or want.

i was with my ex for two years and during that time, i never once saw the personality traits i see in her today... because she didn't bring them out. she didn't want me to see those parts of her... so, she became very good at hiding it and manipulating the situation. but mood swings, yes, i've seen them.

(keep posting here; you'll find it helps you a great deal!)
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Old 07-29-2007, 10:09 PM
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Thanks- I really do appreciate your help. I'd like to just somehow not care about him anymore- and I just can't help myself.
I think you might be onto something with the ex...
I once tried to turn the alarm off his phone- and saw his text messgaes. They were mostly from me- so I smiled because he kept the same ones I kept.
I had no business looking at his phone- yes I agree...but then I saw that his ex of three years had text messages there. I flipped out and told him I saw his texts to her and he looked at me sheepishly and said he was so close to her for 3 years and that he still talks to her sometimes as they went through a lot of recovery stuff together (and nonrecovery too)
He assured me that he didn't have any feelings for her anymore and that his feelings for me were very strong. He hadn't seen her etc..
But perhaps he was just hanging on to me for when he didn't have anyone else. I was doing that with him- still seeing him and being with him even though I knew we were so different.
But I guess I just always thought it would be me to break it off- he seemed to need me more- I have it seems everything to offer him and him nothing really to offer me except occasional companionship and unbelievable sex- but I knew that would cange eventually. I just got divorced- I just started a new job, I just moved to a gorgeous new place- so things are looking up- but still I'm starting all over all alone.
I wasn't expecting him to be so cold so suddenly.
And that's why I was wondering if it might be that he started drinking again- or could it be that he really is a jerk and I never saw it until now? So hard to beleive- he was so very sweet and good in so many ways. Maybe he was acting for me as he was trying on his recovery role.
By the way- he's been down the recovery road many times. Once he made it for 2 years sober-
But still- I have a connection to his family- I know his sister somewhat and his mom since I once took care of the brother- I just have a hard time thinking he took advantage of his brother's death just to score with me. But maybe that's just what he did.
I read this poem many times and I love it. Wish I could make it to my own chapter 5:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I.
I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V.
I walk down a different street.

Thanks again for your support, everyone. i better get to bed
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Old 07-30-2007, 05:44 AM
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Charm

I don't know if this will help or not. My best friend in getting a divorce. She married him because she felt safe with him, her mother was dying, and she felt it was time to marry. He was a stoner type, not all that grand to look at, had an average job. She was gorgeous, is a nurse, and has never been into drugs or booze.

So, when they married, I think it was assumed between the two of them that she settled and he hit the gold mine.

They had 2 kids together. He inherited some money and they bought a house. The house almost doubled in appreciation. Now they were living in a 500k, 4k sq. ft. home, and although they had been married a long time, the class difference was still there. The sex had been gone a pretty long time.

During their marriage, he often put her down. Don't know why exactly. Seems to make sense that perhaps he was feeling inferior? Or having esteem issues?

So, he asked for a divorce. She readily agreed as she was through listening to his constant criticisms.

But for the next year (they still aren't divorced because she had some major health issues following their separation and required months of recovery and was still on his ins.) she kept asking me why he could possibly break it off with her. She was baffled. There was no other woman. He was lucky to have her. Why wasn't she the one to call it off.

All I know, is that she never really got answers, but in time it never even mattered. She slowly came to the realization that he wasn't the one for her and wishes she hadn't wasted so many years with him.

You're baffled as to why this guy could leave you, when in reality, he should be lucky to have landed you. Who knows for sure. Maybe he's really attracted to bad girls, who like to party. Maybe he thought he wouldn't be able to hang on to you. But maybe, and most likely, he did you a huge favor.
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Old 07-30-2007, 06:19 AM
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Respektingme....that is EXACTLY what i just needed this morning we are wayyy better off than our ex's and they did us a favor. Just not sure why my brain can't get that, i think because my heart won't let go. It's weird because i know what the right answers are but i guess i'm 33 and willing to settle, or WAS ready to settle. These guys obviously have issues and cant see a great girl when they are in their face unfortunately.....Charm hope your having a better day today.......

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Old 07-30-2007, 07:02 AM
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hbb, it seems to me, and I'm no shrink, that people with low self-esteems may find it difficult to be with someone in a better place. Perhaps they feel threatened, perhaps they feel worse about themselves, or maybe they think it won't last whenever the other person realizes who they are with. There could be a multitude of reasons why they don't feel comfortable being with someone who is successful, not an addict, etc.

I've been to dinner with professionals at 5-star restaurants, with expensive wine and food, and conversation with people who have millions. The people there who do that all the time probably feel comfortable in that setting. Me? I'm really more comfortable having dinner at a regular place with some close friends, some fried mushrooms and lots of laughing without fear of watching what I say.

Perhaps the analogy is similar.
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Old 07-30-2007, 12:41 PM
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Re-read your first post. Ask yourself is this how I want to be treated?

Believe me you won't feel it now but count your blessings that he is gone.


Earthworm
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Old 07-30-2007, 03:09 PM
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Angry

Charm. I am currently going through this. And by being on this site i realized the situation u and I are in is not an uncommon thing (Lovely guy sobering up leaves a relationship). I was with my ex for 10 months and during the last month he quit drinking....and also quit me! (our situations are also close because of the whole sex thing being so strong starting the whole relationship, etc, etc, etc). He says its to hard going through withdrawal and its to hard for him to be in a committed relationship......I know there is no one else in his life.... but drunks have a totally different thinking...

but what I don't understand is what thinking does a recovering drunk have ?!?!?! Now that they want to be sober...wouldn't they want what is good in other aspects of their life...like friends, overall health, etc?? So why do they quit their girlfriends as well?
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Old 07-30-2007, 03:11 PM
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maybe I'll post that question on the alcoholism board ....
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Old 07-30-2007, 10:31 PM
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Hi, Charm. I am also a newbie here and in a similar situation. My ex has just dropped me with no apparent explanations. I really feel your hurt and anger. I also feel angry like I should be the one who should have broke it off since he is really a loser with no solid job, was always high, never able to keep promises, etc. I also go through a lot of "why"s myself even though it never produces any good explanations. My ex had terrible mood swings, one minute he was all nice and lovely, then next minute, he was a raging bull with a lot of blaming (it seems As love using this technique).
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Old 07-31-2007, 04:48 AM
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Smile

All of your replies were exactly what i needed- thank you so much. You have no idea how you've helped me refame my perspective, even though I feel weak when dealing with him. I's like I gave all my power over to him- like his opinion and behavior is the wielding force in my life. You are right- all of you- from prodigal and everyone yesterday- thank thank thank you
I migh print these out and read them again over and over to help me reaffirm
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