My husband is fading away and I'm in agony
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
My husband is fading away and I'm in agony
Hi - I'm new here, and I have the same problem that everyone else has here. I've lurked a teeny bit, and I see that many of you are, well, highly evolved in your recoveries.
Not me. I've been married to my AH (that's alcoholic husband, right?) for nearly 10 years, with a full-on realization of what "alcoholism" and "codependency" mean, for the past 5 - he's been through 3 rehab attempts, and many detoxes on his (with my help lately) own - and I've been through the family programs and (probably not enough) Alanon meetings - and now I'm finally seeing the progressive part of the disease - both his and mine. And it's an ugly ugly sight that would leave me in in paroxysms of tears if I let myself.
I'm no stranger to alanon, nor is he to AA. However, it's been a few years for me.
I feel guilt in that I haven't gone to alanon meetings, yet I've used the "take what you want, leave the rest" strategy from Alanon for a few years - I have a strongly independent (and happy/passionate) life outside of my marriage. That, and copious use of pot have kept me in this marriage. I still blanch and am full of anxiety, however, every time I have to come home. I never know what I'm going to find, and the more that I am around healthier people, I realize how UNhealthy AH and I both are.
AH has never been sober for more than a month, and I've watched our dynamics change as time goes on. He's lost countless jobs, and our finances are a shambles. I am the sole breadwinner, and when he *does* work, it's usually because I've been sending out his resume.
We were once best friends who laughed a LOT together, and were terrific lovers, and respected one another's individuality, and indeed were kinda soul mates, as much as I can believe in that now. He's a creative type, and I've probably cut him waaay too much slack for that (I buy into the creative types = fragility theory). But now, I think he is beginning to really kill himself, and I am grieving him, as our marriage and lives deteriorate.
And I am grieving my own self too.
I can't seem to let go. I've turned into a MEAN mean bi*ch at times, an abusive person. He is just as abusive.
The person I can be with him (when he's drunk) is NOT the person that I am! And yet I can't stop my bitter mean tongue.
And I can't let go.
And I've painted myself into a corner - I've lost many friends over him, and don't really have any place to turn, nor do I have the money to GET OUT.
I'm not sure what I'm asking, because I feel so numb (lord help me if the surface of that numbness is scratched, Edward Munch's painting will seem like childs play then), and I guess I'm thanking you for reading my self-absorbed narrative.
And I really really want to hear about your experiences, especially those of you who have lost hope and have moved on... and maybe from those of you who have stuck with your alcoholic loved ones, only to watch them die...
Not me. I've been married to my AH (that's alcoholic husband, right?) for nearly 10 years, with a full-on realization of what "alcoholism" and "codependency" mean, for the past 5 - he's been through 3 rehab attempts, and many detoxes on his (with my help lately) own - and I've been through the family programs and (probably not enough) Alanon meetings - and now I'm finally seeing the progressive part of the disease - both his and mine. And it's an ugly ugly sight that would leave me in in paroxysms of tears if I let myself.
I'm no stranger to alanon, nor is he to AA. However, it's been a few years for me.
I feel guilt in that I haven't gone to alanon meetings, yet I've used the "take what you want, leave the rest" strategy from Alanon for a few years - I have a strongly independent (and happy/passionate) life outside of my marriage. That, and copious use of pot have kept me in this marriage. I still blanch and am full of anxiety, however, every time I have to come home. I never know what I'm going to find, and the more that I am around healthier people, I realize how UNhealthy AH and I both are.
AH has never been sober for more than a month, and I've watched our dynamics change as time goes on. He's lost countless jobs, and our finances are a shambles. I am the sole breadwinner, and when he *does* work, it's usually because I've been sending out his resume.
We were once best friends who laughed a LOT together, and were terrific lovers, and respected one another's individuality, and indeed were kinda soul mates, as much as I can believe in that now. He's a creative type, and I've probably cut him waaay too much slack for that (I buy into the creative types = fragility theory). But now, I think he is beginning to really kill himself, and I am grieving him, as our marriage and lives deteriorate.
And I am grieving my own self too.
I can't seem to let go. I've turned into a MEAN mean bi*ch at times, an abusive person. He is just as abusive.
The person I can be with him (when he's drunk) is NOT the person that I am! And yet I can't stop my bitter mean tongue.
And I can't let go.
And I've painted myself into a corner - I've lost many friends over him, and don't really have any place to turn, nor do I have the money to GET OUT.
I'm not sure what I'm asking, because I feel so numb (lord help me if the surface of that numbness is scratched, Edward Munch's painting will seem like childs play then), and I guess I'm thanking you for reading my self-absorbed narrative.
And I really really want to hear about your experiences, especially those of you who have lost hope and have moved on... and maybe from those of you who have stuck with your alcoholic loved ones, only to watch them die...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
(((anxious)))
Right now I'm watching my as drink and drug his life away. I can't be around him for very long at a time. He's on terrible terms with me and everyone in our household because of the way he has treated us all.
When he's drinking and snorting methadone, he's very mean, loud, and obnoxious, so we have told him he can't come home. He's 33, and I suppose his dad and I have enabled him in everyway possible, from a misguided sense of love.
Now I realize I should have kicked him to the curb long ago, and maybe, just maybe I would have my son back.
I also realize that I may never have my son back. I just know I can't allow him to hurt anyone else here in my home.
I also have daughter who drinks and uses. While she isn't actively using at the momment (to my knowledge) she drinks and it's not a pretty sight, so we all refuse to be around her or let her be here at those times. She has a 2 year old son that I'm raising because she refuses to accept responsibility for anything.
So hang in there Anxious, take care of you as you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed!
____________________
Trish
Right now I'm watching my as drink and drug his life away. I can't be around him for very long at a time. He's on terrible terms with me and everyone in our household because of the way he has treated us all.
When he's drinking and snorting methadone, he's very mean, loud, and obnoxious, so we have told him he can't come home. He's 33, and I suppose his dad and I have enabled him in everyway possible, from a misguided sense of love.
Now I realize I should have kicked him to the curb long ago, and maybe, just maybe I would have my son back.
I also realize that I may never have my son back. I just know I can't allow him to hurt anyone else here in my home.
I also have daughter who drinks and uses. While she isn't actively using at the momment (to my knowledge) she drinks and it's not a pretty sight, so we all refuse to be around her or let her be here at those times. She has a 2 year old son that I'm raising because she refuses to accept responsibility for anything.
So hang in there Anxious, take care of you as you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed!
____________________
Trish
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Anxiouswife,
I know exactly how you are feeling.I watched a wonderful man fall into the pain and hell of alcoholism. He took me with him, I did not like the person I had become when I was near him. It go bad very quickly he lost a well paying job and had nothing to do but get drunk all day while I was working 2 jobs. Finally it got so bad the police were called and he went to prison. Bail was only 5,000 dollars but nobody bailed him out we left him sit there. This was a very hard decision, not to go in and rescue but I knew if this is what it takes to save his life and mine I must leave him in there. My children are confused oldest son angry about all that was done. I don't know how bad things are for you, I knew I had to let him fall HARD in order for him to reach yet another bottom, this one may be the one that saves him. We are apart now he is living in a half way house so far so good. I am using this time to figure out who I am and getting my thoughts in a healthy place. Yes it is hard financially I used the same excuse why I didn't leave sooner, now I am forced to make it on my own and boy it is hard. It is difficult to work on improving yourself with all th craziness going on around you. Something will happen eventually that will take him to his bottom,don't pick up the pieces I know this is so hard not to do but it may save your life and his... Peace and God Bless
I know exactly how you are feeling.I watched a wonderful man fall into the pain and hell of alcoholism. He took me with him, I did not like the person I had become when I was near him. It go bad very quickly he lost a well paying job and had nothing to do but get drunk all day while I was working 2 jobs. Finally it got so bad the police were called and he went to prison. Bail was only 5,000 dollars but nobody bailed him out we left him sit there. This was a very hard decision, not to go in and rescue but I knew if this is what it takes to save his life and mine I must leave him in there. My children are confused oldest son angry about all that was done. I don't know how bad things are for you, I knew I had to let him fall HARD in order for him to reach yet another bottom, this one may be the one that saves him. We are apart now he is living in a half way house so far so good. I am using this time to figure out who I am and getting my thoughts in a healthy place. Yes it is hard financially I used the same excuse why I didn't leave sooner, now I am forced to make it on my own and boy it is hard. It is difficult to work on improving yourself with all th craziness going on around you. Something will happen eventually that will take him to his bottom,don't pick up the pieces I know this is so hard not to do but it may save your life and his... Peace and God Bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I can relate to everything in your post. To stop ENABLING is actually the more loving thing we can do. It is feeling the pain of the consequences of using that can motivate them to stop. Continuing to assist them and provide a base camp only prolongs the suffering, for them AND US.
If you follow others stories you will find loved ones that stayed and watched their alcoholic either deteriorate without recovery and possibly death, deteriorate short of death, go in and out of rehab and either find short, long, or no recovery, relapse. Recovered addicts have thanked their loved ones for letting them feel the consequences even if it meant kicking them out, divorce, or leaving them. It sunds like his addiction is changing you and dragging you down.
If you follow others stories you will find loved ones that stayed and watched their alcoholic either deteriorate without recovery and possibly death, deteriorate short of death, go in and out of rehab and either find short, long, or no recovery, relapse. Recovered addicts have thanked their loved ones for letting them feel the consequences even if it meant kicking them out, divorce, or leaving them. It sunds like his addiction is changing you and dragging you down.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Hi anxious, and welcome. I think a lot of us have been were you are, with just a few variations on the theme. There are lots of people here that'll have more wisdom to share than I, but I'll offer you this ~ First and foremost, take care of you. Sit down and decide what that means for you. It might mean walking away, or taking a break from the relationship, or just getting out and reconnecting with the world.
Second, try and stop feeling guilty. As I was told when I first came here, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Alcoholism is Godzilla and we are Tweety bird. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't fix.
Third, get back to some meetings! I just had my first one, and, boy, I wish I went years ago. Coming here is also great, so please visit and post often.
Last, if you can, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This was another huge lifeline for me. To understand MY behaviors, name them, own them, and then work to change them. Mostly to know my behaviors didn't come from my being a bad person, they came form me being a victim of alcoholism.
Good luck and hang in there ~ we're all here for you!
Second, try and stop feeling guilty. As I was told when I first came here, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Alcoholism is Godzilla and we are Tweety bird. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't fix.
Third, get back to some meetings! I just had my first one, and, boy, I wish I went years ago. Coming here is also great, so please visit and post often.
Last, if you can, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This was another huge lifeline for me. To understand MY behaviors, name them, own them, and then work to change them. Mostly to know my behaviors didn't come from my being a bad person, they came form me being a victim of alcoholism.
Good luck and hang in there ~ we're all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 8
I can so relate to your pain right now. I, too, have become a mean, bitter woman in my own battle. It is so difficult, I know. I have a difficult time being around my AH for any length of time as well. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It took me roughly a year to recognize what life with my AH truly was, accept that I couldn't help and was aactully hindering Ah from facing his problems and decide to leave him. I was where you are and will continue to struggle as this next period of time unfolds.
We all have to work it thru in our own ways and we all finds the paths that work for us. There are no right answers just the answers that work for us as individuals. The fact that you are in here shows that you are searching for your answers. You will find them in time.
We all have to work it thru in our own ways and we all finds the paths that work for us. There are no right answers just the answers that work for us as individuals. The fact that you are in here shows that you are searching for your answers. You will find them in time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi; glad you have joined us! You've already recieved some great advice above! I can relate to so much of what you have said and how you are feeling.
One thing that jumped out at me in your post was this: IMHO,that is only adding to your problems. I can understand your feelings,but your use of a drug as a method to cope with his use of a drug,etc,etc seems counter-productive at the least.
Please consider this and focus on yourself and your own health...if that means you need help with finding other ways or even investigating if you have slipped into your own chemical abuse and need some help in that area for yourself. The healthiest you is best for you and in turn,may make it easier for you to decide what and where you go from here in your own life.
Sorry you are hurting and I hope you do not take offense at my observation and comments.
Hope you stick around with us!
One thing that jumped out at me in your post was this:
Originally Posted by anxiousspouse 
That, and copious use of pot have kept me in this marriage.
Please consider this and focus on yourself and your own health...if that means you need help with finding other ways or even investigating if you have slipped into your own chemical abuse and need some help in that area for yourself. The healthiest you is best for you and in turn,may make it easier for you to decide what and where you go from here in your own life.
Sorry you are hurting and I hope you do not take offense at my observation and comments.
Hope you stick around with us!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I guess a good question for you is are you going to allow yourself to fade away?
If you search my screen name here, you can follow my story.
It’s long and not pretty at times.
You will find everything that I have lost, but more importantly everything that I have gained.
Now you have been in the program to know better so you must make a move.
Your biggest thing is that you must leave all the romantic notions behind and face reality.
I know as well as you that it is a bitter pill, but it sounds like it’s time to take it.
You know what to do, it’s just a matter of doing it.
If you search my screen name here, you can follow my story.
It’s long and not pretty at times.
You will find everything that I have lost, but more importantly everything that I have gained.
Now you have been in the program to know better so you must make a move.
Your biggest thing is that you must leave all the romantic notions behind and face reality.
I know as well as you that it is a bitter pill, but it sounds like it’s time to take it.
You know what to do, it’s just a matter of doing it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Hi; glad you have joined us! You've already recieved some great advice above! I can relate to so much of what you have said and how you are feeling.
One thing that jumped out at me in your post was this:
IMHO,that is only adding to your problems. I can understand your feelings,but your use of a drug as a method to cope with his use of a drug,etc,etc seems counter-productive at the least.
Please consider this and focus on yourself and your own health...if that means you need help with finding other ways or even investigating if you have slipped into your own chemical abuse and need some help in that area for yourself. The healthiest you is best for you and in turn,may make it easier for you to decide what and where you go from here in your own life.
Sorry you are hurting and I hope you do not take offense at my observation and comments.
Hope you stick around with us!
One thing that jumped out at me in your post was this:
IMHO,that is only adding to your problems. I can understand your feelings,but your use of a drug as a method to cope with his use of a drug,etc,etc seems counter-productive at the least.
Please consider this and focus on yourself and your own health...if that means you need help with finding other ways or even investigating if you have slipped into your own chemical abuse and need some help in that area for yourself. The healthiest you is best for you and in turn,may make it easier for you to decide what and where you go from here in your own life.
Sorry you are hurting and I hope you do not take offense at my observation and comments.
Hope you stick around with us!
I know I need to leave. There are complicating factors (animals, finances for the moment - I did *not* pay the mortgage this month because I'm saving to get out) but I have a game plan. And I guess at this point, the devil I don't know seems kinder than the devil I know.
I am amazed at the person I've become - somewhat socially isolated (but for the world of my hobby/passion, the only positive thing I've maintained throughout), completely lacking compassion for AH and indeed feeling contemptuous and disgusted, exhausted emotionally, constantly wanting to feel sorry for myself, RAGE-filled - the RAGE! where did that come from? - blah blah blah.
I will go to a meeting.
I'm wicked shy, and before, I never really connected with anyone at any of the Alanon meetings I went to. In part, I always thought "I don't WANT to be that sad lady who's been married to AH for 50 years." Shame on me, I know. The ultimate irony: now I *am* that sad lady.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Welcome !
I'm a recovering alkie, and pitch in from time to time here to help others here understand the disease.
This place is full of wonderful people that will help you help you. They've been there done that, so to speak.
This caught my eye
Actually, that might be a good thing. If you're anything like me (believe it or not, alkies and codies share a lot of symptoms) then being desperate is a good place to be. Maybe it's enough for you to make a decision, and then take action. Nothing chages if nothing changes.....
I wish you the best. And again, listen to the advice from the recovering codies here.
I'm a recovering alkie, and pitch in from time to time here to help others here understand the disease.
This place is full of wonderful people that will help you help you. They've been there done that, so to speak.
This caught my eye
And I've painted myself into a corner - I've lost many friends over him, and don't really have any place to turn, nor do I have the money to GET OUT.
I wish you the best. And again, listen to the advice from the recovering codies here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Greetings, anxious - glad you're here with us. I'm glad you stopped with the pot. You need a clear mind and you gotta feel the pain. It can be the catalyst that gets you moving to healthier ground.
I will share a bit of my ESH with you. I am leaving my AH. I have no job. I am two courses shy of my bachelor's degree. I live in a dead-end little town in the middle of nowhere - jobs are as scarce as hen's teeth. I was born, raised, and lived in the greater Baltimore-Washington, D.C. metro area my entire life until two year's ago when AH moved us to a remote are of far southwest Arizona. (He pulled a "geographic" in order to protect his beloved addiction.)
With the approximately $2,300 I have to my name, by the grace of my God, I AM going to walk out of this nuthouse. If I live in a refrigerator box by the side of a road with my two cats, fine. See, when the pain of staying far exceeded the pain and consequences of leaving, I knew that was it.
So, I'll be asking my pastor tomorrow for help from any able-bodied men in my church to dump my stuff into a U-Haul, stick it in storage, and then I'll go pay another visit to my attorney. I finally got to the point that NOTHING was worth staying. Absolutely nothing.
I couldn't stand being a victim a minute longer, and if I remained with this man I'd be stuck in victimhood. His sobriety? Well, if he gets it, fine. If he doesn't, fine. Either way, enough was enough was enough for me.
P.S. - I used to drink too much just to tolerate AH. I went cold turkey on 4/29/07 and don't regret it one doggone bit. I feel the pain, I feel the frustration, and I don't attempt to numb any of it. And, frankly, I feel 100% better physically and emotionally.
I will share a bit of my ESH with you. I am leaving my AH. I have no job. I am two courses shy of my bachelor's degree. I live in a dead-end little town in the middle of nowhere - jobs are as scarce as hen's teeth. I was born, raised, and lived in the greater Baltimore-Washington, D.C. metro area my entire life until two year's ago when AH moved us to a remote are of far southwest Arizona. (He pulled a "geographic" in order to protect his beloved addiction.)
With the approximately $2,300 I have to my name, by the grace of my God, I AM going to walk out of this nuthouse. If I live in a refrigerator box by the side of a road with my two cats, fine. See, when the pain of staying far exceeded the pain and consequences of leaving, I knew that was it.
So, I'll be asking my pastor tomorrow for help from any able-bodied men in my church to dump my stuff into a U-Haul, stick it in storage, and then I'll go pay another visit to my attorney. I finally got to the point that NOTHING was worth staying. Absolutely nothing.
I couldn't stand being a victim a minute longer, and if I remained with this man I'd be stuck in victimhood. His sobriety? Well, if he gets it, fine. If he doesn't, fine. Either way, enough was enough was enough for me.
P.S. - I used to drink too much just to tolerate AH. I went cold turkey on 4/29/07 and don't regret it one doggone bit. I feel the pain, I feel the frustration, and I don't attempt to numb any of it. And, frankly, I feel 100% better physically and emotionally.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Remember life is not a dress rehersal. We only get one go around, so make it all that it can be and be all that you can be. I say this with compassion & kindnes to provoke you: If you are not happy do something about it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
There are plenty of us who still post on this forum who have watched our loved ones die of alcoholism. I just buried my boyfriend of 25 years this Wednesday. The last few years were torturous to say the least. I'd go into additional detail here, but the folks here have heard my story many times. Why don't you go back and look at some of my old posts? It will give you an idea of what could be in you and your husband's future if you continue on the same path you both have chosen thus far.
Alcoholism doesn't just take an emotional toll on the people who are closest to the addict. It takes a terrible physical toll on us as well. Active addicts don't have relationships with people; they have relationships with their drug of choice. They don't choose partners. They choose victims. You don't have to be a victim and you don't have to go down with a sinking ship.
You seem to be avoiding Alanon meetings lately. Is that because you're afraid that in order to get healthy you'd have to not only address your co-dependency issues but your dependence on marijuana as well?
You've taken the first step by posting on this forum. Hopefully, you'll consider attending Alanon and Naranon meetings as well. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Alcoholism doesn't just take an emotional toll on the people who are closest to the addict. It takes a terrible physical toll on us as well. Active addicts don't have relationships with people; they have relationships with their drug of choice. They don't choose partners. They choose victims. You don't have to be a victim and you don't have to go down with a sinking ship.
You seem to be avoiding Alanon meetings lately. Is that because you're afraid that in order to get healthy you'd have to not only address your co-dependency issues but your dependence on marijuana as well?
You've taken the first step by posting on this forum. Hopefully, you'll consider attending Alanon and Naranon meetings as well. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by steve11694
and of course all the folks whose loved ones have recovered you usually will not hear from on these forums.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
I hope it's not too annoying to resurrect this thread. I'd missed some of the responses (because things were going GOOD, right? I didn't NEED to vomit out my self-absorbed bile) and wanted to respond.
I haven't left him yet. I went through yet another unhealthy bout of "maybe THIS time, it will work"; he got a job and was working, and drinking less, and sometimes not at all. I was beginning to see a teeny light at the end of the looong tunnel. Things were kind of stable - better than they have been in months...
And then the shoe dropped.
Today he was fired from his job (the demon vodka, or "vokka" as I like to call it); he called me at work to tell me. I gathered all of my calmness and came home determined NOT to feed into what I knew I would come home to. I haven't been, at all - haven't said one nasty thing, have been the picture of .. calm. (He of course is telling me "you're so judgmental" and "you just want to smack me down" etc etc). Right now coming from the living room I can hear such lovelies as "If you want to be a ******* bitch, continue being it. All I would like is...mumble. ****." and "if you want a provider, maybe you should just go elsewhere" and on and on.
He's baiting me, I think. Or recognizes that the balance shifts if I stay calm?
I'm asking myself - what's it going to TAKE to get me to split this scene?? What is WRONG with me for staying???!!
Anyway - your responses. THANK YOU for being so real.
All of you. Denny57, I started to read your story and saw in it, that emotional/romantic stuff that you now decry - you are right. What makes it so difficult is that as a sober man, he is fantastic, unmatched, all of those positive things - and the bones of sobriety that are thrown to me have kept me here.
But then, I take a good hard look at the reality around me: my house -shabby, full of crap everywhere -books, socks, papers, unpaid bills, dog toys; myself - shabby, unkempt, out of shape; our finances - a scary wreck; the fact we have no friends as a couple anymore; the fact that no one calls; the fact that he is drinking himself out of jobs, into trouble; the fact that I am under constant stress...
I can see clearly, now, that he is spiraling down the toilet, and I'm going right with him...
And I don't want to be that person. How do I get the strength to leave? How did any of you whom left, get the strength?
Bless you all for being here. And I will be sticking around. I'm tired of being Bart Simpson with his finger in the fire "ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch."
I haven't left him yet. I went through yet another unhealthy bout of "maybe THIS time, it will work"; he got a job and was working, and drinking less, and sometimes not at all. I was beginning to see a teeny light at the end of the looong tunnel. Things were kind of stable - better than they have been in months...
And then the shoe dropped.
Today he was fired from his job (the demon vodka, or "vokka" as I like to call it); he called me at work to tell me. I gathered all of my calmness and came home determined NOT to feed into what I knew I would come home to. I haven't been, at all - haven't said one nasty thing, have been the picture of .. calm. (He of course is telling me "you're so judgmental" and "you just want to smack me down" etc etc). Right now coming from the living room I can hear such lovelies as "If you want to be a ******* bitch, continue being it. All I would like is...mumble. ****." and "if you want a provider, maybe you should just go elsewhere" and on and on.
He's baiting me, I think. Or recognizes that the balance shifts if I stay calm?
I'm asking myself - what's it going to TAKE to get me to split this scene?? What is WRONG with me for staying???!!
Anyway - your responses. THANK YOU for being so real.
All of you. Denny57, I started to read your story and saw in it, that emotional/romantic stuff that you now decry - you are right. What makes it so difficult is that as a sober man, he is fantastic, unmatched, all of those positive things - and the bones of sobriety that are thrown to me have kept me here.
But then, I take a good hard look at the reality around me: my house -shabby, full of crap everywhere -books, socks, papers, unpaid bills, dog toys; myself - shabby, unkempt, out of shape; our finances - a scary wreck; the fact we have no friends as a couple anymore; the fact that no one calls; the fact that he is drinking himself out of jobs, into trouble; the fact that I am under constant stress...
I can see clearly, now, that he is spiraling down the toilet, and I'm going right with him...
And I don't want to be that person. How do I get the strength to leave? How did any of you whom left, get the strength?
Bless you all for being here. And I will be sticking around. I'm tired of being Bart Simpson with his finger in the fire "ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by anxiousspouse
I'm asking myself - what's it going to TAKE to get me to split this scene?? What is WRONG with me for staying???!!
I can see clearly, now, that he is spiraling down the toilet, and I'm going right with him...
And I don't want to be that person. How do I get the strength to leave? How did any of you whom left, get the strength?
I can see clearly, now, that he is spiraling down the toilet, and I'm going right with him...
And I don't want to be that person. How do I get the strength to leave? How did any of you whom left, get the strength?
Originally Posted by ICU
...Saving a bad marriage (or relationship) is sort of like saving the ship while letting the passengers drown".
Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit
I can see the codie frantically plugging all the holes in the boat while two more pop up. The codie gets completely worn out "doing all the work" and the boat sinks anyway.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
Dear anxious spouse,
My journey has mirrored yours in so many ways.We both have always worked and kept somewhat afloat of financial woes but I too self medicated in the past year with weed. I gave up working for awhile because i was being defiant and mean and unfair to my family. I cant work in my field and make decent money because of drug testing so I basically took a crap job just to maintain my bills. I was trying to prove a useless point to my husband. If he wouldn't quit drinking then I was basically bailing out of team marriage.That was my last and worst "code" ditch effort to make him change. I realize now I only hurt myself,and my kids. What a dumb idea. I believe I'm back on track and am moving on without him . Thank-you so much for your letter. I am so touched by your words. You've given me a real good morning wake-up call. How ashamed I am when made to think of myself this way but I promise myself to keep changing .
My journey has mirrored yours in so many ways.We both have always worked and kept somewhat afloat of financial woes but I too self medicated in the past year with weed. I gave up working for awhile because i was being defiant and mean and unfair to my family. I cant work in my field and make decent money because of drug testing so I basically took a crap job just to maintain my bills. I was trying to prove a useless point to my husband. If he wouldn't quit drinking then I was basically bailing out of team marriage.That was my last and worst "code" ditch effort to make him change. I realize now I only hurt myself,and my kids. What a dumb idea. I believe I'm back on track and am moving on without him . Thank-you so much for your letter. I am so touched by your words. You've given me a real good morning wake-up call. How ashamed I am when made to think of myself this way but I promise myself to keep changing .
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
