SOMMER610

My ABF has recently began on his path to recovery. After drinking nearly everyday, he seems to be making baby steps in the right direction. He wants to quit so badly and knows that his health, work performance, and overall quality of life is better when he's not drinking.

At first it was 2 or 3 days between drinking days, then 7, then 14, and most recently, 20 days since his last drink until he was unable to resist this weekend and back to day 1 we go. For the most part, he does his best to avoid people and situations that will tempt him, but there is one friend ( a desparate enabler) the he still makes excuses to see.

Is this weaning off typical? And should I consider it a positive step?

thinkmink

It's good that he's looking at it at all. Many don't. But are you in al-anon? What are you doing about your progress?

SOMMER610

Its strange, I never thought I'd be the type to end up in this situation--I always considered myself good at recognizing the rotten apples. I would NEVER have guessed I would become codependent, but after reading the material and the posts on this site, I realize that I share many of the emotions and "symptoms" of others in similar situations.

He never drinks when he and I are together, so I find myself alywas trying to plan activities so that he won't have the opportunity. I know that he needs to build the strength to make the choice not to drink on his own, and that my "helping" is weakening those skills in him. I have just been so afraid because I knew that him not succeeding meant that my relationship with him would not succeed. I love the time we spend together. Intellectually I know that I should walk away from this, but emotionally, I'm not sure that I'm ready to give up on him yet.

Is that codependency 101??

denny57

It might be co-dependency, though, that's for you to decide. Have you tried Al-Anon or a similar program for the non-alcoholic? I found it extremely helpful. Even recognizing what I was doing wasn't enough - I needed some new tools and new ways of thinking. A great indicator that is obvious to me now, but not back then, is just how many posts start here with a description of the alcoholic and their drinking; rarely about the co-dependent, unless later in the post. It might be a small thing, but the fact I put someone else's problem before my own speaks volumes to me now.

If you care for him, I doubt he's a rotten apple. Addiction sucks and relationships can be unhealthy.

Keep posting! ((()))

CE Girl

Yup,,,,but then again, I'm still in that class

I'm familiar with the roller coaster you speak of. Bottom line for me? Day 1 happened like the movie "ground hog day" over and over again,,,

I'm all set with that. The hope and despair dance took too much of MY life. So, I came here. The first thing I learned was

I didn't CAUSE it
I can't CONTROL it
and I can't CURE it

What I CAN do is take care fo me, and stop taking his inventory or "helping" him continue to drink.

Yup, I did this too. got TIRED of babysitting. It's not FUN when you constantly are worrying about keeping him busy so he doesn't drink.

Right now, for me, detachment was necessary. I love him, was DEFIANTLY not "ready" for it, but life is full of choices. He made his. To continue to drink. It was time I made mine.

SO, this native hippie chick took her peace pipe and symbol and went "home"

What are YOU doing for you?

Peace

SOMMER610

It just seems like he's at least headed in the rght direction. Complete sobriety doesn't happen overnight, right?

I read a lot of "relationships with alcoholics are not healthy" posts here. Do we ever consider them 'safe to date' again?

Spiritual Seeker

You are doing "the dance" of control-"I find myself always trying to plan activities so that he won't have the opportunity." You are not that powerful. Usually the drinking you see is just the tip of the iceberg. Those of us in recovery, who are related to addicts, come to believe that we too are powerless over the drinking. Fantastiv that you are looking in your part in this relationship, bec that's the only part that you can change.

dollydo

You really can only plan your life, not his. if he doesn't drink in front of you, he is using whatever self-control he has left.

My ex-abf, drank in front of me, and he was a mean drunk...but, he never used in front of me or in my house...he just left and dis-appeared for a night or two. He never came back until he was straight.

Still wasn't what I needed from a man, or a relationship...I had to give it up and move forward with my life.

I had to make that hard decision, me or him...I chose me.

DII

I'll give you my two cents. In the 12 Step AA program Step two is to admit they are powerless over alcohol. There is a big difference between admitting it and accepting it. Accepting it means you live it every day. The A can never be like "everyone else". This is the tough part for most A's. I don't mean to bum you out but 1 day 20 day's or 3 months are great but really it's 1 day at a time leading to forever. My AW would try and rationalize that it's better to make it X number of days than not at all but the cycle never stopped. There is always another occasion, bad day etc. In the end when they drink they drink more and eventually become more sick and more used to the dry-then-drunk cycle.