just found out ex cheated on me
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I understand your feelings and your deep pain. And I know what it's like to be confused and question if the A ever even loved us.
For me, it was one of these moments you talk about where I began to feel free. For all the years I wondered things, suspected things, all the times I'd questioned my own thoughts and instincts, all the times he'd made me feel crazy and insane as he was great at manipulating my feelings and making me second guess myself - finally, when I found out the truth about something, it was such a feeling that I can only describe it by calling it "closure". It was then, when I knew for certain, finally one of my questions and doubts had been answered!, I realized that I could let go of the guilt I felt, the bad feelings, all of it. I'd been given what I wanted - the truth!!!!!! And believe me, the saying "The truth shall set you free!" - that happened for me!
You now know the truth! And you must realize that his words and his actions are not about you. The things he did were HIS choices, HIS decisions, and HIS actions and are in no way a reflection of you!
You didn't deserve what he did!!
But now you know the truth. I hope that you'll get through the pain and let him go. And move on to a much better life for yourself. Focus on your recovery!
(((lots of hugs to you))))
For me, it was one of these moments you talk about where I began to feel free. For all the years I wondered things, suspected things, all the times I'd questioned my own thoughts and instincts, all the times he'd made me feel crazy and insane as he was great at manipulating my feelings and making me second guess myself - finally, when I found out the truth about something, it was such a feeling that I can only describe it by calling it "closure". It was then, when I knew for certain, finally one of my questions and doubts had been answered!, I realized that I could let go of the guilt I felt, the bad feelings, all of it. I'd been given what I wanted - the truth!!!!!! And believe me, the saying "The truth shall set you free!" - that happened for me!
You now know the truth! And you must realize that his words and his actions are not about you. The things he did were HIS choices, HIS decisions, and HIS actions and are in no way a reflection of you!
You didn't deserve what he did!!
But now you know the truth. I hope that you'll get through the pain and let him go. And move on to a much better life for yourself. Focus on your recovery!
(((lots of hugs to you))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I believe the alcoholics first and foremost lover is the drink.If you take away the alcohol
many of the behaviors can stop. I recently observed what I believe to be an alcoholic man stumbling with a beer and a cigarette hitting on every woman in sight. An obnoxious Don Juan, a legend in his own mind. To sober intelligent people, a sad pathetic person.
It is not normal to need a mind altering drug to live life.
Maybe they like the lack of inhibition or false confidence they get from booze. No matter how much I miss or love my aw I know that I could not stay with her unless she became sober. Dealing with her denial, rationalizations, nasty irritable moods I'd say was worse than thoughts of her flings.
It is simply a terrible, horrendous thing to see a loved one descend towards hell and be powerless to help.
many of the behaviors can stop. I recently observed what I believe to be an alcoholic man stumbling with a beer and a cigarette hitting on every woman in sight. An obnoxious Don Juan, a legend in his own mind. To sober intelligent people, a sad pathetic person.
It is not normal to need a mind altering drug to live life.
Maybe they like the lack of inhibition or false confidence they get from booze. No matter how much I miss or love my aw I know that I could not stay with her unless she became sober. Dealing with her denial, rationalizations, nasty irritable moods I'd say was worse than thoughts of her flings.
It is simply a terrible, horrendous thing to see a loved one descend towards hell and be powerless to help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Thank you all.
I don't think it is the drinking. I think it is a personality issue.
He purposefully had sex with women in OUR house (that no one is living in). This sat he text pages me (something he has never done before) at 11:30 at night sat that he dropped papers off at the house. I believe he was trying to get a reaction out of me - like why the hell are you at MY house at 11:30 (which I admit I felt-but did not act on)!!!!
He was also trying to make the girl he was email flirting with into his next girlfriend (I think) and I wish he screwed around on her, but I think he decided to go back to her fiance!!
I can't tell if I was totally played
I don't think it is the drinking. I think it is a personality issue.
He purposefully had sex with women in OUR house (that no one is living in). This sat he text pages me (something he has never done before) at 11:30 at night sat that he dropped papers off at the house. I believe he was trying to get a reaction out of me - like why the hell are you at MY house at 11:30 (which I admit I felt-but did not act on)!!!!
He was also trying to make the girl he was email flirting with into his next girlfriend (I think) and I wish he screwed around on her, but I think he decided to go back to her fiance!!
I can't tell if I was totally played
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 6
dont worry about if you were totally played.. he cheated and he lied.. that's reason enough to move on. its tough but no one needs someone like that in their life.
this is all too familiar for me..
my ex was a great manipulator, he would stand me up, lie, cheat, use drugs behind my back (he would tell not only me about his stories of recovery but also his own family) and with ALL of this he still knew how to turn everything around on me and somehow make it all of my fault, he made me feel like I was the one that was absolutely losing their mind..
it hurt when I found out about it all.. and the only way that i saw all of what he had done was when I got out of the relationship, he had me so low and so insecure that I couldn't see all that he was doing to me even when it was right there in front of me. I wanted to believe that this person that I loved was a better person than what my friends would tell me (they were telling me to get away from him after he had stood me up again and again) it was difficult at first but I knew I had to get him completely out of my life for good, I can't make him pay for all that he did to me and I never attempted to - no matter how bitter I became or how much hurt it caused me, I know that he also had done this to his other girlfriends/his ex wife and his kids/and family before me..
I could see that if he allowed himself to feel any guilt for what he had done to those in his life - he'd go crazy therefor he would place it all on me or anybody else and numb himself with drugs and alcohol.
he will get his in the end.. he can't live like that forever.
I have not spoke to him in now 6 months, and yes having dealt with someone like him it is very hard for me to trust anyone, but that's just letting him take over again... I can be cautious with who I allow in my life but not let it run my life... it's sad that there are people out there like this and that some of us have to encounter them..
I do know that I have learned alot from it, no one can lie to me, no one can manipulate me, and I know I never want to be in a situation like that again..
best of luck to you! =)
this is all too familiar for me..
my ex was a great manipulator, he would stand me up, lie, cheat, use drugs behind my back (he would tell not only me about his stories of recovery but also his own family) and with ALL of this he still knew how to turn everything around on me and somehow make it all of my fault, he made me feel like I was the one that was absolutely losing their mind..
it hurt when I found out about it all.. and the only way that i saw all of what he had done was when I got out of the relationship, he had me so low and so insecure that I couldn't see all that he was doing to me even when it was right there in front of me. I wanted to believe that this person that I loved was a better person than what my friends would tell me (they were telling me to get away from him after he had stood me up again and again) it was difficult at first but I knew I had to get him completely out of my life for good, I can't make him pay for all that he did to me and I never attempted to - no matter how bitter I became or how much hurt it caused me, I know that he also had done this to his other girlfriends/his ex wife and his kids/and family before me..
I could see that if he allowed himself to feel any guilt for what he had done to those in his life - he'd go crazy therefor he would place it all on me or anybody else and numb himself with drugs and alcohol.
he will get his in the end.. he can't live like that forever.
I have not spoke to him in now 6 months, and yes having dealt with someone like him it is very hard for me to trust anyone, but that's just letting him take over again... I can be cautious with who I allow in my life but not let it run my life... it's sad that there are people out there like this and that some of us have to encounter them..
I do know that I have learned alot from it, no one can lie to me, no one can manipulate me, and I know I never want to be in a situation like that again..
best of luck to you! =)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
i'm sorry. hopefully knowing the person he really is will help you to move on.
get on with seeking help for yourself. i think counseling would be a very good thing. i believe it really starts with asking the hard questions of ourselves. such as how and why did i get involved with a person like this? what is it in me that needs fixed?
i think trying to understand him and figure out why he does the things he does is wasted time that could be spent healing you!
get on with seeking help for yourself. i think counseling would be a very good thing. i believe it really starts with asking the hard questions of ourselves. such as how and why did i get involved with a person like this? what is it in me that needs fixed?
i think trying to understand him and figure out why he does the things he does is wasted time that could be spent healing you!
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