cagefree

Well, I'm really winding all the way down to the bottom of my huge pile of anger I've been dealing with for a few months now - just finishing sweeping up the mess and disposing each piece to it's appropriate place.

I felt an emotion yesterday I never thought I'd feel towards my X. EVER...and I was part surprised, part relieved and part proud of myself.

I had a fantasy float through my brain - one of being in a restaurant, watching him walk in the door not noticing me, then up to the bar and ordering a beer. Typically, my fantasy ends with me making my presence known, rubbing his lying and drinking in his face and leaving with a "good riddance - enjoy your beer and your hand tonight" attitude, feeling validation of "see, it's NOT me!".

Instead, I felt it...oh crap - what's this emotion?! Instead of wanting him to feel the hurt I have felt, my fantasy involved me feeling sad for him and saying a little prayer to the karma forces of the universe to guide him back to recovery. The fantasy ends as I finish my meal and leave the restaurant and go about my life, hoping he gets healthy, knowing how far he has to go.

Finally, I'm starting to find forgiveness. It's about freakin time.

p.s. Thanks to Taz and Glass and other recovering A's who post here...your posts are priceless.

duet_4-8

YOUR recovery is shining brightly! From experience, I know exactly what you are saying here. It is amazing when the anger turns to healthy compassion.

Spiritual Seeker

Forgiveness...good place to be

Nuudawn

There is something incredibly liberating about realizing that everyone is entitled to their own choices in this journey of life. How wonderful you got to some roots of compassion for a fellow human. I know that when I realized it was okay to still " have care and love" for my exAbf, I felt empowered. My feelings for him were my business.... he couldn't take that from me. I know that I have now entered "indifference" ... and oddly enough, that feels a bit like a loss. We feel a bit fuller when we are permitted to love.

Pick-a-name

Amen!

cagefree

Thanks for your replies - when I was spitting fire and brimstone I stayed away from posts like these...I was too angry to have any type of compassion...compassion actually hurt.

I'm glad to have found it for the time being - it's very comforting, empowering, like you all said it. These past few days have been some of the very best I've had since he left my life and I hope to keep growing in my own recovery...

Thanks for letting me share

GlassPrisoner

I know how you feel.

I was angry with my ex at first, and full of self-righteousness. Then, after my 4th step , it turned into guilt and shame as I realized my part. Later, at my 7th, it became compassion, as I realized just how sick she is.

I still get a little melonchony over "us" every now and then. Hey, we were together 17 years and raised two wonderful children.

The promises are true. "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it".

I'm glad we can help shed the light on alcoholic thinking for you. The codies here do the same in reverse, you know. I've learned a lot.

justjo

I never forgave because I figured I had nothing to forgive her for. I figure this is all happening for a reason and we will know the answer some fine day!