planet

I am new here. And I am here to be renewed. I need support, help, advice... My hubby is an Alcoholic. He doesn't know it. We have two children together. I am tired of watching him kill his self. I have done all the normal actions that co-dependants do. Hell I am still co-dependant. I have read the books, attended al-anon meeting, seeked counseling, prayed, cried, wish for the best and the worst, I have done it all. I am lost. I don't know what to do. Have you even just been fed up with your situation but not fed up enough to leave. I keep thinking it will get better. I am a stay at home mom so I am even more dependant than usual. Not an excuse I know. I was informed last night by my ALCOHOLIC husband that if we wanted the extras in life I needed to work and if I were content with not having the extras then I could stay home with the kids. I WAS PISSED. Since his extra's seem to be needs. We were broke as a joke this week. Not a dime to our name. Probably less. So he goes two days with drinking. Good? MAYBE. But when you take Nyquil just to sleep you have issues. I know the history. It runs in his family. I have studied very much on the subject. But in everything there is nothing that tells you HOW TO LEAVE. HOW? How do you know when? How do you let go? What do you tell you preschool age children? Will I get to that point? Should I get a job first? Advice Needed.

elizabeth1979

Hi planet and welcome to SR,

I don't know how to tell another how and when to leave their situation. I tried for years to leave before I was ready. Each time I left before I was ready, I ended up taking him back. Somehow, when I was done, I was just done. All of the hurdles seemed to not matter anymore, bc I was ready.

I am sure more will be along and have more advice.
I would read all I could here and feel free to be yourself, if you can..I know it was hard for me!

Lots of support is here for you,

duet_4-8

Hi and welcome,
You will find many like yourself here; in all stages of leaving or staying or being caught somewhere in between.

I, like elizabeth above, left several times before I was ready and ended up taking him back. Then one day I was also simply done. No turning back; too much had happened and the trust just was no longer there. It hasn't been easy but, like she said, it just no longer mattered because the alternative was remaining in a nightmare of a 'marriage'.

No one can really answer the questions you asked for you, but we can point you in the right directions to look for your own answers, and we can offer our support and experience. Please feel free to ask whatever you want, vent, or just hang out and read. There is a wealth of knowledge here.

(((hugs)))

MsGolightly

planet, i have no other advice to offer, but i just wanted to say welcome! i went to college in nashville and loved the city - it made me smile to see that's where you're from please post more and let us get to know you better.

laurie6781

Planet, his drinking and abuse of funds (using money needed for family for booze) is mental and emtional ABUSE.

Call the local Domestic Violence Shelter in Nashville, as they have councilling and therapy for you and can help you decide what is best for you and your children and how to accomplish it.

They really have lots and lots of great info and help available.

Make no mistake his drinking problem is causing you mental and emitional harm, that is abuse and the DV Shelter can help.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Live

I haven't read it or looked at it for a long while....but there is a post in Women In Recovery...about abuse....but it does have tips for leaving and planning to leave.

Please check out the stickies at the top of the forums. They will be helpful to you.

Welcome and please keep coming back...you will find a wealth of support, experience, strenght and hope.

aztchr

Welcome, Planet!!
You have found a great, safe place to share and get information!
Do you have family support or anyone to stay with if needed? Keep reading all that you can.

We're glad you're here!!

denny57

Welcome, planet, glad you're here!

My first thought was this: you're already having financial problems. As the disease progresses, as it will unless he chooses sobriety, the financials will get worse, too. Something to think about - and I'm not advising one way or the other, is would it be better to at least start working part time now so you're foot is in the door if it becomes absolutely necessary to go full time down the road?

Do you still attend Al-Anon; I'm not sure what you're meetings are like, but if several are available to attend, you might meet others there who can tell you if, when and/or how they left.

Keep posting - and take care.

TexasGirl

I was the opposite. I was so afraid of leaving only to return that I stayed and stewed in it. I threatened a lot to move out, but never did. I knew that if I left before I was really ready, I wouldn't be able to stay gone. The day I left, I left for good.

I know it's kind of annoying to hear, "when you're ready, you will be ready." I was just sooooo anxious to be READY! I think there's some truth to the statement though. My best advice for you until you are ready to decide one way or the other is to begin making a plan for your exit....just in case the time comes that you are ready to decide. Can you find a way to start tucking away a little money here and there? What about a part-time job like Denny mentioned? I obviously don't know your situation, but I bet you can find little things that you can do in the now to prepare you for later. And in the meantime, learn everything you can, keep pursuing personal help, and post away to us.

justjo

Planet!! You have now asked yourself all these questions. Only you really know the answers but you have to be brave enough to answer.
If I were you (and Im not) I would seriously start planning your future now. Yes, if you are able get a job, start building a little nest egg for you and the kids even if you think you will stay. This will also help your independence and well being by giving you a new lot of friendships and feel better about yourself.
I have been through divorce myself and it is difficult for children but there are ways of helping the kids through it.Kids always want mum and dad to stay together but they are better off in a healthy environment. He said if you want the extra things get a job!! Show him you can survive without those comments and him. Honestly, once you start looking after yourself, all the answers will be there for you. When and how just happens.
You know what I do if I can't make a decision! In two columns I write "matters" "doesnt matter" - ask my self a whole lot of questions and add up the columns afterwards. whatever column has the highest score it wins!!!
Good Luck Justjo

thinkmink

Planet, I know exactly where you are coming from and I am in the same situation. SAHM to a very young child and very little money, but a AH who doesn't mind spending the $ on alcohol...but actually talks contemptuously when I bought myself a shirt at the THRIFT STORE (never mind the fact that I actually NEEDED it). For me, I started thinking more and more about leaving until it was almost all I ever thought about. Then I started thinking about the actual logistics of it. It seemed like I was trapped because of the economics and baby at first. But the more I looked at it, the more I started to see solutions to all the problems with leaving. Currently I am seperated (not legally...just living different places) from my husband. We are supposed to start weekly counseling. I really don't know if we will be able to work it out. I am going to give it one day at a time right now. I would love to have a healthy family (alcoholism is a family disease). I am doing everything in my power to be a healthy member of the family. So it's al-anon for me too. My AH is not currently in recovery and as far as I know he has no plans to do it. I am more than skeptical at this point that we will be staying together. I think it would be better for my child to not live with active alcoholism. I don't think my AH can be the loving person we need and still be using.

prodigal

Welcome, planet. You have gotten lots of good advice from folks who have responded to you. There are free government and non-profit association services that you can find that will help you. It would probably be a good idea to get a job. Lots of places offer free training in order for you to be find a decent job. When I lived in Maryland, the YWCA offered counseling, shelter assistance, job training, and had a job bank.

You want a decent family/home life just like the rest of us. Unfortunately, that isn't a choice when an A is active. I can only share my own experience with you. I detached. I live my own life. I mind my own business. I don't discuss in any way, shape, or form my husband's drinking with him. I will be graduating in December with a B.S. in Legal Studies from the University of Maryland (online). I'm already making connections with people back home (I'm in Arizona right now) who I will be meeting with in August. Networking is the avenue I'm taking, along with the university's job bank and employment counseling.

I know about the finances going down the tubes. I'm watching that happen now, but to a lesser extent than what you're going through. It's not the least bit fun to watch how an A misappropriates the money. Even when my AH isn't using the money for booze, he doesn't handle what he has very well. My goal is to take what is legally mine and not look back. Once I'm ready to walk, I won't second-guess myself. But that's just me.

You may not be ready to leave at this point, but starting to make plans and lay the groundwork to leave would be a step in the right direction. Please keep posting.