chero

HE is doing FINE without me.
That really ticks me off. I know it shouldn't. I know it's just my little codie-brain saying nobody will ever need you again. But couldn't he just pretend to need me???

Why do I care??? I shouldn't care!! I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE!
BUT I DO!

He told me if I came home then some things were going to be different. YA THINK??
Of course, he also offered me money to come home.
MONEY??? SERIOUSLY?? What is he paying me for my services now!? I had money when I was with him and that didn't make everything better?!?!

I know! Why am I taking his calls!?!? I DON'T KNOW! I'm not really taking them. I'm just reading his text msgs. Which I guess if I was in a healthy place I wouldn't do.

Speaking of healthy. I start counselling tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous because I've never done anything like this before. But I don't care...nervous or not. I'm going! I NEED HELP!

But why is he doing so well without me???

aztchr

He might not be doing well. He may be trying to make you think that so you'll go back to check. manipulation, who knows? When dealing with A's, remember that it's too hard to guess why they do, act, say anything. Focus your energy on how you are doing.

FormerDoormat

Can you block his incoming calls and text messages? You'll be able to better focus on your recovery if you don't know what's going on in his life.

kermit

Try and focus on YOU! Good luck at the thearapist!

SaTiT

Sorry about that chero...

What makes you think he's doing better without you ?
okay I get it...becuase he saids he is and he text ya..lol

Okay...when i was doing better without my gf..
The last damn thing I did was called her or texted her or offered her money.lol

Okay..don't confuse peace with bordom
You got bored...lol Got your head spining again..like you're starting to obsess
over it...

well..you know why your taking his call.
but there's going to be a 72 hours body chemicle attachments and you'll be glowning
with a twinkle in your eyes...
It'll be a brief moment of closeness and another months of hell.

Sunlight81

Oh, sweetheart, Would you rather be needed or loved?

Let go, Let go, Let go

Let go of him sick, Let go of him well, Let go of him even if you get back together.

Inside of each of us is an unlimited supply, good luck tomorrow.

MsGolightly

chero, part of you must know deep down that he's not "fine" without you -- would you really call the person in his shoes FINE?! i don't even know him, and i wouldn't!

i'd say you're doing a lot better without him than he's doing without you... chin up! and starting therapy sounds exciting!

GlassPrisoner

+ 1.

I haven't spoken to my ex in ages. Only to arrange travel to her place for my daughter, and to relay a message to my daughter every couple of months or so.

prodigal

He's not fine ... he's desperate to get you back into that house. Seriously, your husband is willing to PAY YOU to come home. How nutty is that??? People who NEED people have got it all wrong ... it's fine to WANT people in our lives, but when we need them (as in needy), then it's not particularly healthy, IMO.

Chero, remember .... behaviors, behaviors, behaviors. To heck with the blah, blah, blah coming out of his mouth. If things are going to change his behaviors will have to change - and that means he will become proactive and seek counseling, AA, a recovery program, whatever.

Talk is, as the saying goes, cheap.

chero

I didn't think about it that way. That if he was fine why text me at all. I think I have been obessing too much about it. Like Satit said, my head is spinning.


Sunlight, I'm sure this is an excellent question, but I'll tell you...I can't separate the two in my mind so I don't even know how to answer that.
To me, needed and loved are one in the same.

CE Girl

Sista, whether you realize it or not, your at a "crossroads". The reason it bothers you so much? Because your not happy with the "status quo".

You've moved beyond allowing him to abuse you, into a safe place, trying to figure out if you can ever have it back. The turn in the road? You've ACCEPTED it needs to CHANGE!!!!

Therapy? MOST EXCELLENT!!! You know I love you girl, and there's nothing to be nervous about. Do what works for you. Realize this therapist is working for YOU. If you connect, that's GREAT, but if after giving it a fair amount of time, it doesn't work for you, TRY something else. In fact, try something else ANYWAY!!! Get online, look for support groups in your area. Do some homework regarding al anon meeting and make a PLAN. I find I'm "replacing" my addiction with an obsession of getting support for ME!! LOL. At first, you are nervous, but once you "get into it" it frees your core.

And helps you figure out what turn to take.

Might part of that turn mean you need to bring it to the "next level"?

Would part of that "level" be taking care of yourself and having no contact with your A?

I'm just asking,,,,

Peace Sista

Tazman53

Chero hon, trust me, if I was doing well with out you the last thing I would be doing is offering you money!!!

Hey this is the self centered alkie speaking, what the heck am I going to send you money or text you about anything if I am doing well?

Rella927

SaTiT! Have I told you that you are wonderful lately? Well...you are!

(((CHERO)))) This post was said perfect! Mine would call, txt, e-mail, stalk, find me any which way that he could after I kicked him OUT! Offering MONEY for the phone bill (he had no other attachment to me he had all his stuff) he was not well and I believe that they call this MANIPULATION? Of course, I caved a few times-(go figure!) SaTit is right about the 72 hour thing it was more like 72 for me then 5 hours of peace then 72 again! UGH!

Chero honey try not be scared about counseling! I was in the start too so it is ok it happens! I have been with my counselor for almost 9 years! (Gee you think I would be alot healthier, but that happens when you slack with your recovery)

I started going when my husband passed away and found that I had alot more issues than that! I had an A Dad (passed) addict brother, a really heave A brother and a mother that well lets just say had/has some issues! I found out that I was a grown up dealing with all of this for all these years and now I was really grown up because I had to deal with the death of my husband-paying my mortgage, bills, work, school it was crazy! So anyway-starting couseling was scary at first and I did alot of crying (I still do because my baby steps have not gotten me, myself and I to where I want to be yet) and I just want to share that after 2 months of getting angry (also at my counselor) crying (cleansing) I started to really learn what had gone on in my life and what I really wanted-but, what I did not realize was that when I stopped going to see her for awhile (6 months) I fell back into the trap and that is when I landed my good ole A! There was another lesson to be learned! I forgave my family and dealt with my husbands death but, what I did not fully deal with was the depth of my childhood of ME, MYSELF and I to the extent to carry on and lead a full and happy life! (Now I'm working on this! And working on ME)

And by the way-try not to focus on if he is fine without you (he is not) focus on are you fine without him?

Chero I wish you the best honey! You deserve it!!! Think now it is all about YOU!

(((HUGS))))

chero

Last night I found out that he was talking to this old, drunk friend of his that he only talks to when he is drunk himself.
And I sat down on my bed and I thought, "Why am I doing this?"

Wouldn't life be so much easier if he wasn't my problem?

It was like I looked up and realized I WAS at a crossroads. I realized I only get so far down the right path and then CONTACT and I end up running back the way I came. So everyday I wake up at the same crossroads.

What was the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

That's what I've been doing.

So, I'm going to take the right path and I'm going to have no contact. I can make it through one day, surely.

lovemypup

When I left my AH, I hoped and prayed that he would do just fine without me. I even hoped he would find a woman friend and be happy.
That made it easier for me to move on. I wouldnt have to worry or feel guilty about him anymore and I could get on with my life so much easier.
After being married 27 years, its hard not to worry about them. The worrying was for him to be happy though. After all he put me through I never hated him. I still wish the best for him.
You should be happy if your A really is doing fine. Thats lets you be free to find your own happiness.

chero

I should be happy for him. I don't hate him at all. Not for any of it. I can still see the man I married in there somewhere.

Of course, I'm not hoping he finds another woman either.

My codie-heart just took off racing at the thought of him with someone else.

CE Girl

GIRL,,,All we have really is "in the day"

I'm with ya. You know I had my "relapse" going for a while now. Slipped BIG time yesterday,,,,didn't see him, but contact all the same. This morning, a long arse email detailing how MY issues kept him from getting sober the whole time we were together.

Sort of like your A, texting and contacting you to tell you he was doing fine?

The abyss. I have fallen. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and trudge forward.

Chero, we connected here from day one. Started this journey together. You had just told you A you were leaving, and he gave you a black eye for your trouble. I was struggling through the first day of no contact.

It's day one again Sista, and WE can do it!!!!

Sista bond, NO CONTACT, today, in this day

Deal?

Peace

PS, Ummmmm,,this isn't an exclusive club, we can use ALL the support you guys can muster

chero

OMG! DEAL! DEAL! DEAL!

Day #1 here we come!

You know, if there is one thing I've learned about being here...support makes everything better!!

elizabeth1979

I want to comment on this..but I have to run..so Ill make it short.

I spent ALOT ALOT ALOT of time and effort sorting through these two things. I had them all mixed up in my head.

I can tell you I no longer like to be needed, it triggers feelings of being trapped and manipulation.

I think being wanted and loved is much more healthy than being needed.
My dog needs me, young children need a guardian...one adult should not need another, in my world anyway

SaTiT

glade you're posting..chero

I know what you mean...I love my gf very much.
I'm also a recoverying alki as you know..and you would think I would know better.lol
I went round and round on the merry go round....codi/alki cycle...remember.
Thinking somehow I can save her or I was strong enough to handling it.
man...was I wrong...it tore me to pieces..
I always beg her to comeback home...but you see she was sitting at home.
The person inside of that thing somewhere...that's what I was trying to get to.

But as long as she was drinking and using....it wasn't her..it's the disease.
As long as she wasn't working her program...it's still the disease or a dry drunk
or whatever...it wasn't healty..

I'm flexiable when it comes to boundaries, i don't work her program...but ya see..
There's a big ass line I drew.....stop drinking and using, work program or there's
no we..becuase i don't want the old we..

well..I knew why I answered her e-mails..
step in the trap too many times..I'm a slow learner..lol

No contacts...we both needed a major break form that madness
The cycle had to be broken..

it was like taking out two birds in one stone..
I started working on my program....she started hitting her bottom..

oh yeah...have you had enough yet ?...lol

breaking the chains...corny..lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFaGVKgq9Ng