BagelFly

I came here because my boyfriend and I are in a bind. Here's the scoop:
He is a young, recovering drug addict. He has been clean and sober for two years (just had his second birthday a couple months ago). We met one month after he started recovery, and things have been fantastic since we met. He's never relapsed. He has an awesome sponsor who keeps him straight; he's a successful musician, student, and aspires to become a teacher. Our relationship is one I could have only dreamed of until we got together, and we're both very happy except for one thing: I am not an alcoholic and find nothing wrong with me enjoying a drink every now and again.

I have always been entirely supportive of his recovery, even trying to go to AlAnon meetings to understand his world a little more. I have never been drunk, nor have I been disloyal. We are having a hard time figuring out if our relationship can survive because of my desire to be able to enjoy a drink or two; it is the only thing we ever argue about. I feel I should have the freedom to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or go out with friends after work. Alcoholism has never been an issue in my life before I met him, but he has always been uncomfortable about the consumption of alcohol because he feels people change too much and cannot be trusted to maintain their values and show good judgment.

Each time this comes up it becomes harder to determine whether it is something he can "get over" (his words) or if it is something that he absolutely needs to be successful in his recovery. He has expressed wishes to marry me someday (which I would love), but I feel that if this is something embedded in both our characters then we may never reach middle ground and his recovery may suffer. I never want to be the cause of a relapse. I have reminded him of the very first thing he told me when he began dating: his recovery comes first, even if it means our relationship can't work.

I am unsure what to do.

cyberwolf

Hi,

I wish I had an answer for you but sorry I don't, but just wanted to say Hi and the fact that you acknowledge his recovery and sobriety is THE most important thing is fantastic. I hope others with more knowledge and experience will be able to share their stories with you.

I wish you and your B/F all the best

Astro

I can offer up only a little experience. I've got a little over two years of sobriety. Six months ago I started dating a woman who's in the programs of CoDA and Al-Anon, but she's a normal drinker. She likes to have a glass of wine or two every so often. It doesn't bother me, but I had to set some boundaries to guard my sobriety. Brush her teeth before intimacy, and no intimacy if she's had too much to drink. She seems to respect that.

This alcoholic feels pretty sheepish making demands like that, but it's better than a relapse.

Maybe you two could discuss what you're willing to live with, what are the deal-breakers? How about seeing a relationship counselor to discuss the matter? It sounds like you both want the relationship to survive and want to work on your issues instead of just giving up. That's wonderful, and hopefully will be the basis for a long-term solid relationship.

BagelFly

Thanks Astro for your response. The suggestion for setting boundaries is a great one, and one we have discussed (though not deeply, and that will change today). I have already agreed to never bring substances around him (we agree to an alcohol-free living space together), never to be intoxicated around him, to not smell like alcohol, etc. I think the hardest part is proving to him that I can do that since I don't drink frequently.

I totally agree with recovering alcoholics making demands like that to ensure their own stability in their program... after all, his sobriety is what allows us to have such an awesome relationship. You shouldn't feel sheepish if you know it's what you need to be successful. A small demand like that could mean the difference between life and death to some, and I understand that more and more the longer he and I are together. Thanks again for your reply; it will be very helpful as we continue our discussions around this.

Astro

It's nice to hear that you both have the desire to work on your relationship and reach some understandings with each other. Speaking for myself only, healthy communication in relationships is hard work, especially considering I drank since I was 14. I'm 43 years old with the skills of a junior high schooler when it comes to dating.

I had a "moment" a couple weeks ago when I went into the bathroom in the morning and there was a half-empty bottle of wine and a wine glass on the vanity!:-) That's something I hadn't encountered since I got sober. And of course I was horrified when she poured the rest down the drain! Who the hel! wastes good alcohol like that? Lol. She doesn't leave anything in the house when we're not together, but that's great that you've agreed on keeping your home alcohol-free.

Best wishes to you, I hope your relationship is successful. It gives me hope to know that two people can do this well together.

Scott

cyberwolf

Can I just say thanks for the post and thanks for the insight Astro. I am Very early on the whole not getting PIS**D anymore/want to be free and live life way of life and scarily these are things that I hadn't really thought about(no wonder relapses occur). My B/F is fantastic, but I can guarantee long term he hasn't thought of these "little" things either. I say little because they are to most non A's but I totally realise that little thing HUGE to an A.

But hopefully my ability to go to bed without being very sick,in fact my ability to make it to bed at all, my clarity etc etc (once the anxiety goes) will be the benefits for a few small requests/boundaries.

Thanks again for the post Bagelfly and thanks Astro for your invaluable insight.

Again best wishes to bagelfly and B/F
x

Astro

The phrase "how free do you want to be?" is used often in recovery. Part of being free for this alcoholic means accepting that there are good people in this world who can drink normally, without destroying their lives and the lives of everyone around them. I can't remove alcohol from the world, but I can certainly remove myself from situations where I feel my sobriety is being jeopardized.

Bagel, consider buying the book "Living Sober" for your boyfriend, and cyber if you don't own it it's worth every penny. It explains how to "live sober", how to deal with everyday situations that we deal with as alcoholics.

Scott

Shawn

BagelFly,

I live a life as the boyfriend in your case. It's hard for anyone with a past of substance abuse to fully accept drinking or drugs. I have been dealing with my girlfriend and this for a long time now and it's a constant battle.

It's hard to explain the fear you feel knowing your mate is about to drink, even if it's just one. I know his fear, and he must care an awful lot for you to try and keep you from something he knows is wrong in his mind. For me even looking at a bottle of anything makes my stomach race, I might as well be looking at a loaded gun.

You need to have fun and he needs to know that, and it's going to be hard and its going to take time. This is where I'm at with my girlfriend, but like I said it will take time for me to be ok with it. What you see as "no big deal" might be hard to digest or people like him and I with a haunted past.

Is it at all possible to get him to join this site, or just read the different stories that people share?
honesty!!!
My girlfriend lost my trust and she wasn't honest about her drinking, and that set us back years of trust! She went out without me knowing multiple times, and it took weeks and months to shake it and still today I think about it and worry. You gotta be honest with him about everything drinking wise, or this will never work out "I PROMISE" seeing you drunk or even a bit, might upset him terribly. You gotta build up trust and show him you can fully control yourself.

A few things that have floored me in the past that I'll share
-Don't say your going to have a just a few drinks then have 4 or 5
-Don't say your not going to drink then have a few when you get their
-Don't drink behind his back
Thats just a few things that upset me and I'm sure would upset him as well. another good Idea is showing him you can go out to a place like a bar and just have fun without drinking!

This topic really interests me, cuz It's almost word for word what I'm dealing with but only I play the boyfriend in my relationship. Keep us posted on how you guys are dealing with it.

Astro

There are times when I feel like that, I've got two legs to get me out of those situations quickly. I hear so many people share that the obsession and compulsion has been lifted, but seeing others relapse keeps it real for me, the desire can return very quickly.

Tazman53

Good replies Astro, I have an alcohol free home now, my 21 year old daughter does occasionally have a few freinds over and they do drink some times, but never in front of me and none is ever left in the house.

I have no problem (as of this writing! LOL) with people drinking around me, I will say I am really disgusted by a drunk unless of course he is in an AA meeting.

Every alcoholic and/or addict is different when it comes to using around them and even that can vary from day to day and place to place.

Bagelfly, as already suggested you 2 need to sit down and have a heart to heart about this. This is very very serious to a recovering addict or alcoholic who is serious about staying straight. I will be honest enough to say that if for some reason my wife decided to keep beer in the house for what ever reason and I asked her to not do it and she did it any how, I would leave her. My wife will not even have a single drink in front of me and as far as I know she has never had one when I am not around.

Good luck, all I can say is if he is serious about his recovery which it sounds like he is, if you love him and you are not an alcohlic not drinking should not be any kind of issue at all, or at least allowing him to set boundaries he is comfortable with.

Astro

I know what you mean, but I also try to practice love, tolerance, and compassion. Never hurts to remember where I came from, two years ago I was a disgusting drunk.

Some great thoughts, Taz. Thank you for sharing!

CE Girl

WOW you guys!! I'm learning so much. Good to know my A wasn't the only one who had a problem with this.

First let me welcome you BagelFly!!! As you can see theres some wonderful people on this site who are willing to share openly, honestly and from their core. It's a great resource.

When I met my A, I was a "social" drinker. Was single for a lot of years, and developed the lifestyle where alcohol was part of the "scene". I never drank much, but, did enjoy the ocaasional wine, beer depending on what I was doing.

I also didn't know he was an alcoholic

In any case, as our relationship progressed and it became clear he had a problem with alcohol, we began the "road to recovery". I'll spare you the details, but at one point this subject came up. He couldn't be around alcohol and asked me not to drink. My first thought was, "here we go, asking me to change".

I had to examine ALL the things you are contemplating. But most of all, for me, there was only one question. Can I committ to never drinking again. I guess what it comes down to for me is wasn't that what I was asking of him?

Made it a no brainer. After all, it was easier for me, than it was for him

But that's just my experience. Even making that decision required dilegent work in terms of not allowing resentment to be a factor.

Unfortunatly, I stopped drinking, he never did,,

But thats a story for another time,,

Good to hear you have HEALTHY dialouge and even BETTER you BF has some sobriety under his belt

Peace

rosalie

Maybe he is afraid and it is his fear of how powerful the alcohol was for him.He is afraid he may lose you to it?
Sounds like he is a wonderful man and you have a very good relationship.That is so hard to find in this life. Would it be worth it just to give in to this one wish from him? Marriage is all about compromise. As the Alcohol nearly ruined his life,you know it is poison to him,you can live without it. Is it worth it to you?

MsGolightly

i think i'm going to take the road that CE has with her post...

in my opinion, if your relationship means that much to you, and if you truly do love him and support his recovery, it should be a piece of cake for you not to drink anymore. i gave it up completely when i was with my A, not because she asked me to, but because i felt it was a respectful thing to do. and now, i couldn't care less if i never had another sip of alcohol for the rest of my life. i don't need it, i've seen the destruction that it causes, and i don't want to support it in any way.

i feel better about myself and my relationship knowing that it wasn't because of ME that my A eventually relapsed. in fact, she eventually became upset and consumed by the fact that everyone else around her could drink - walk by a few tables in a crowded restaurant and you'll probably see at least one drink on the table - but she couldn't. she was sober for a long time, but the societal acceptance of alcohol consumption that we face today eventually got to be too much. it's a disease, one that doesn't have a 100% "cure" rate, no matter how long someone has been sober.

i don't view it as him trying to "control" you in any way. i view it as a matter of respect. i loved my A too much to sacrifice her sobriety and happiness just because i felt the need to "be like everyone else." i no longer see the point in drinking. it doesn't get me anywhere, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. in my opinion, if he's uncomfortable that you would like to drink, i'd ask myself why you aren't willing to stop... especially if it might save your relationship?

denny57

Welcome, BagelFly

I also like the suggestion that some joint counseling may be helpful here. A neutral 3rd party could help sort through issues like compromise, power struggles, fears, etc.

Good luck - sounds like a terrific relationship.

BagelFly

I would like to respond to InThisForMe: I did contemplate your decision, not drinking anymore, the first time this came up. I thought about whether my decision to drink was a disregard for our relationship. It's something I'm still thinking about. And sure, if I don't do it much, why not just give it up? I understand that alcohol has ruined many lives, but I haven't experienced that in my own life... maybe that's why I don't see why one drink every now and then is something I should absolutely have to stop. I appreciate your input here because this is a point of debate for us as well, but my thought is this: he doesn't freak out about me eating a donut, or going out for fast food. People are addicted to food, food addictions cause obesity, and obesity can kill. It can cause chaos and heartbreak for families and friends... But not all people who eat a donut every now and again suffer from obesity. I'm not saying this to be facetious or mocking; it's just my point of view. Like I said, your point is something I'm going to continue to think about it. Maybe some day I'll find it is a better decision for me.

I know can take it one day at a time, like I learned from him, and just say, "You know, I went without it today, I could go without it tomorrow." And I do. However, I know I'm not an alcoholic, and right now I know that I'm certainly not ready to make a promise like that to last the rest of my life. Too daunting. He couldn't promise me he's never going to get screwed up on prescription meds again for the rest of his life, and I would never ask that of him even though it's just as important to my peace of mind. I know the one thing I CAN promise is to keep his recovery in mind every step of the way. It means the difference between eating apples and eating donuts sometimes.

As of last night, we're on good terms with it. I've told him that whatever boundaries he needs to set need to get set. He spent the day with his sponsor working the issue over; he says for me to do what I think is the right thing to do in situations when I want to have a drink, and to be open and honest about it. It's the same conclusion we arrived at the last time this issue arose; since then I haven't had the desire to drink so I couldn't have proven to him that I could be open and honest about it. I told him that worried me, because I don't want to go out and drink just to prove I'm honest. He acknowledged that, and told me he'll try not to be anxious when I'm not drinking (which is practically ALWAYS). He says I have his trust, and I promised not to lose it. I hope now this thing is resolved.

I want to thank all of you guys for helping me out with your experience.