milford32

How can you reverse the damage that you may have caused? I have caused a lot and know that the path towards recovery will be long, if even possible at all. I do have hope though. In the meantime, what can the alcoholic do to help the people they've harmed?

chero

Well my husband is an alcoholic and not in recovery so I don't know how much help I can be but sometimes I think if he would just admit what he has done and apologize...that'd be a big step in the right direction!

And good job on your recovery!!!

Welcome to SR!

Astro

For starters I'd recommend attending AA meetings regularly and working a 12 Step program of recovery. The only way you'll help your loved ones is to remain sober, without that the trust is lost.

Nothing is impossible, not even mending a deeply broken relationship. I wasn't able to save my marriage, but I have the ability to be a great father to my children and a friend to my fellows in recovery. Sobriety is lived 24 hours at a time, life can be richer than your wildest dreams. There is hope, as long as you have the willingness to work for it.

Welcome to SR. Keep posting and reading, you'll find lots of support here.

ICU

Welcome to SR Milford32.

Great questions! Just my personal thoughts....

I don't know that the damage can ever be 'reversed'. Instead, I think that one can make ammends, show sincerity and willingness to do better by 'doing better' (actions), and understanding that forgiveness won't come in an instant, in a day, a week or even a month. It takes time, combined with the above to get passed the past to be able to move forward.

However, it is important to realize that it also takes a willingness from the person that was harmed to work on their own recovery, to be willing to forgive (not necessarily forget), not to hold grudges or bring up the past (unless a past issue has not been properly addressed and put to bed yet) to be a positive contributor towards the process. Again, just 'my' thoughts.

It sounds like you are willing Milford, and that's a big part of it.

care4uNJ

I don't believe that the damage could ever be reversed, but you can make some serious changes going forward. That's all that I ask of my A-BF. Forget the past damage and just concentrate on doing the right things in the future.

Best of luck to you in your recovery ;-)

Jo

hopeintahoe

I have been sober for 20 years and the only thing you can do is work the 12 steps, be honest with your recovery, and let your higher power guide you, everything else will happen when you give up your will. I promise you that if you fallow AA simple program your life will get better.

rosalie

Stay Sober

Live

Certainly damaged relationships can be mended tho' they may never be the same. I think that is great amends and evolutionary to heal broken relationships. However, for everything there is a time and a season and we can't choose for another.

Have a good relationship with yourself and then share that with others.
I believe in the promises.

live

Spiritual Seeker

Suit up and show up. Be a loyal friend, family member, keep your word, be honest, let them know you have changed by your actions. Be present in the lives of those you have hurt. Work your program Good luck, anything is possible

WhatAboutME

I guess it just depends. Some things, such as infidelity, are just deal-breakers - alcoholic or not. I can't imagine ever mending my relationship with my AH. And honestly, I have no desire to anymore. I do wish him the best and sincerely hope that he will find sobriety one day. We are just no good together. The damage is done and there is no bandaid big enough to mend my broken heart. But that's just me, I tend to hold grudges anyway!

venusinlibra

Congratulations on choosing the path of sobriety. Everyday you will become stronger and making the right choices will be easier. You will be surprised how forgiving people can be. I would apologize and if you feel comfortable share what you are going through. If people know you well enough, they will notice big changes in you and will be proud of you.

Go to AA meetings, big huge support, and I wish you the best in your journey.

CE Girl

Welcome to SR Milford,,

ACTION< ACTION< ACTION

Say what you mean, mean what you say

Trust is a hard thing to build once its lost. But not impossible. I've been in a position where trust was lost in me. Only through a willingness on BOTH parts and LOTS of time, can it be found.

Peace

cagefree

I'm glad you've chosen the path of recovery Milford.

I'm actually going through the anger phase on my way to acceptance, so I thought twice about responding and made sure to tone it down

It's been over a month since I've heard from my XABF and wonderful things have been happening in my life since I last saw him in March. If he asked me the same question you are asking today I would calmly and honestly tell him that the best thing he could do for me is to leave me alone, not try to call me, email me, or write me.

I'm recovering from being a codie and having him anywhere near me only puts the focus on him and not myself, where it needs to be. i'd never purposefully get in the way of his recovery and showing me he respects mine by steering clear regardless of what he wants would be a start.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but honestly, this is the one thing I want from him.

denny57

I absolutely believe damaged relationships can be repaired; I've witnessed it.

harleygirl92156

[QUOTE=WhatAboutME;1344011]I such as infidelity, are just deal-breakers - alcoholic or not. [QUOTE]

That's not true, its only true for some. Many people recover from infidelity, alcoholic or not.

Jazzman

You can never go back, but going forward could be a possibility. It really all depends on just about everything and anything you could think of..... just what happened, what you can or can't forgive, what you can or can't forget, what your knee jerk reactions would be to certain scenarios, both parties willingness to work on lots of stuff and things....

For example, after over two years of no contact I recently started dating my ex wife. She's clean and sober and we're seeing each other on a very limited basis. Things are OK for the most part even though there are lots of issues being worked through, (as you could imagine). However I have a son from my first marriage that is not exactly tickled pink that I'm seeing M again. He's also made it perfectly clear he would disown me if I took this relationship any further than "casual dating". Do I blame him for having this attitude? Heck no. And my relationship with my son takes top priority here.

Like I said, you can never go back.....

steve11694

Now what if your son's mother were her, the person you are now seeing after 2 years?

Loreena

Stay sober, give it time, walk the walk, take action on your own, for yourself and be good to you, it sounds selfish but once the Alcoholic FINALLY starts taking care of themselves, the folks they love see this, they aren't blind, they see it, hear it in your voice, they respond to that, that is the GIFT.

Jazzman

Not to derail the thread, but maybe this will help?

M has 3 children and she is seeing them as well. She's trying to repair the damage done to the relationship with her own children. That was her first priority, as you might imagine. Will it work? I dunno.

But if your question is would the boy want to see his Mom... sure. Kids will always want to be reunited with their parents, even after much worse treatment.

My step children are very nervous as you might imagine. They are desperately hoping this isn't another temporary fling with sobriety. They are used to disappointment in this area. Only time will tell.

elizabeth1979

Actions talk and words whisper.