Should I pay her Bill?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I am not paying my husband's bills, and he's not even my ex (YET). These are his debts and his responsibilities. I am paying our "joint" expenses, and that's more than enough. And if he doesn't care enough about his credit to pay them or at least work out a payment plan (all creditors will work out a payment plan), then why should I? And not for nothing, but if her credit is already shot with late payments, or even these debts being charged off and sent to outside collection, what's the point? Her credit will still be bad. A "paid" charge off really doesn't do much for your credit in terms of raising your score, I should know.
But that's just me.
But that's just me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
think it through.
just like Elizabeth said, this action, of paying her bills, may be motivated by a need you have to feel better inside, to relieve some inner discomfort in you.
why not sit with your emotions and take no action right now?
think it through.
the best way to help an alcoholic (whether in recovery or not) is to get (your needs) out of the way, between them and their lessons, and to continue to heal your own life.
just like Elizabeth said, this action, of paying her bills, may be motivated by a need you have to feel better inside, to relieve some inner discomfort in you.
why not sit with your emotions and take no action right now?
think it through.
the best way to help an alcoholic (whether in recovery or not) is to get (your needs) out of the way, between them and their lessons, and to continue to heal your own life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
responsibilities....the heck with that enabling feels better..
there's a find line between compassion and enabling,
empathy and guilt.
A very good opportunity to observe and take some notes.
Follow your heart, but use your head.
Not, follow your head but use your heart.
Take responsibilty for your recovery...yikes !!!
there's a find line between compassion and enabling,
empathy and guilt.
A very good opportunity to observe and take some notes.
Follow your heart, but use your head.
Not, follow your head but use your heart.
Take responsibilty for your recovery...yikes !!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Hmm... I can only tell you what I feel from my own experience.
There were certain bills that belonged to my XAH (before our divorce was final). I paid them due to the fact that we'd made an agreement before we seperated that I'd pay them off since we paid my car off early. I felt that paying those bills was the correct thing to do on the grounds that I was holding true to my word even though we seperated.
Since then, my XAH (before and after divorce was finalized) has added debt to my name through various ways. Each and everytime he's done so, he truly does nothing in which to pay anything towards them. Some of the bills that he owes are for our children (medical, school, and otherwise) but they are in my name so he feels no responsibility to pay towards them. This has left me in a heap of debt - that I truly can't afford.
Why does he do this? Well, basically, he just doesn't think about the bills. He doesn't care. And he's always had someone to bail him out of debt at the last minute (and still does through his enabling parents). So I no longer pay anything of his that I no longer have to pay.
While his credit is horrible - I feel no responsibilty for it. I've worked very hard to stay afloat and provide for my children. I do the best that I can do. XAh's actions and lack of actions have been what has brought him to where he is today - and it's his responsibility to deal with.
Where is his compassion for our children that deserve better - the compassion for them knowing that so much of my money that I pay toward debts he's gotten in my name take away from providing for my children better - etc? He doesn't have compassion because he doesn't have too. He's always been given that free ticket from responsibility by enablers doing for him.
If I were you - I'd take that money and I'd put it towards my children's education. You never really know or have a guarantee what lies ahead and something may happen financially to you later and you may wish then that you would have put that money away for your kids.
Compassion is one thing - enabling is another. And I believe that from *my* view - I'd see paying her bills as enabling.
Just my thoughts.
There were certain bills that belonged to my XAH (before our divorce was final). I paid them due to the fact that we'd made an agreement before we seperated that I'd pay them off since we paid my car off early. I felt that paying those bills was the correct thing to do on the grounds that I was holding true to my word even though we seperated.
Since then, my XAH (before and after divorce was finalized) has added debt to my name through various ways. Each and everytime he's done so, he truly does nothing in which to pay anything towards them. Some of the bills that he owes are for our children (medical, school, and otherwise) but they are in my name so he feels no responsibility to pay towards them. This has left me in a heap of debt - that I truly can't afford.
Why does he do this? Well, basically, he just doesn't think about the bills. He doesn't care. And he's always had someone to bail him out of debt at the last minute (and still does through his enabling parents). So I no longer pay anything of his that I no longer have to pay.
While his credit is horrible - I feel no responsibilty for it. I've worked very hard to stay afloat and provide for my children. I do the best that I can do. XAh's actions and lack of actions have been what has brought him to where he is today - and it's his responsibility to deal with.
Where is his compassion for our children that deserve better - the compassion for them knowing that so much of my money that I pay toward debts he's gotten in my name take away from providing for my children better - etc? He doesn't have compassion because he doesn't have too. He's always been given that free ticket from responsibility by enablers doing for him.
If I were you - I'd take that money and I'd put it towards my children's education. You never really know or have a guarantee what lies ahead and something may happen financially to you later and you may wish then that you would have put that money away for your kids.
Compassion is one thing - enabling is another. And I believe that from *my* view - I'd see paying her bills as enabling.
Just my thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Good questions. What are my motives????
Sympathy/Empathy is one. Remembering the woman I married and the mother of my children.
Guilt.....It still lingers in my mind at times on what I may have done differently in our mariage that might have kept her from the bottle. (Better husband, more caring, more romantic....)I also came through the divorce like a champ.(No alimony) What money she got from me she blew or gave it to the other man.
My kids..... Whatever she has done, it is in my interest that she pulls it together, gets sober for the children. She will always be their mother.
I don't think she even remembers these debts. She does not have any money, nor do her folks. Her health is poor......she may recover in time. I have my doubts.
The debt is not that large. I can afford it for the moment. But as someone else said, my luck could change and my kids depend on me. If the bills were larger, I would not do it.
But what if other bills float in?????
Alcoholism Sucks!
Sympathy/Empathy is one. Remembering the woman I married and the mother of my children.
Guilt.....It still lingers in my mind at times on what I may have done differently in our mariage that might have kept her from the bottle. (Better husband, more caring, more romantic....)I also came through the divorce like a champ.(No alimony) What money she got from me she blew or gave it to the other man.
My kids..... Whatever she has done, it is in my interest that she pulls it together, gets sober for the children. She will always be their mother.
I don't think she even remembers these debts. She does not have any money, nor do her folks. Her health is poor......she may recover in time. I have my doubts.
The debt is not that large. I can afford it for the moment. But as someone else said, my luck could change and my kids depend on me. If the bills were larger, I would not do it.
But what if other bills float in?????
Alcoholism Sucks!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
[QUOTE=guyinNC;1335834]I also came through the divorce like a champ.(No alimony) What money she got from me she blew or gave it to the other man.QUOTE]
Perhaps you came through the divorce "like a champ" because you were the only one who would not blow your children's future on booze and other people.
If she has no money the credit agency can't take it from her. AN emergency fund for you and the kids might be an idea in case you ever find yourself in that position.
Perhaps you came through the divorce "like a champ" because you were the only one who would not blow your children's future on booze and other people.
If she has no money the credit agency can't take it from her. AN emergency fund for you and the kids might be an idea in case you ever find yourself in that position.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Its very nice of you but please do not pay any bills. If you pay one they will tell the others. Once they get a "good" address it goes in the big file for every body to see.. Then all of her bill colectors wil be after you. Also in some cases if you pay on something it means you assume responsibility.
In the past Ive seen this happen to my Mother lots of times. She would pay one bill and the rest will be on her like fleas. Even when she fowarded them to her EX's they stll came back to her because thats where they had gotten cash. Her ex's basically just ignored them so they zeroed in on Mom. Even tho legally she didnt have to pay we had to put up with the constant phone calls. Some of them were kinda snippy too.
You need to save that money. What if you have an emergency. .
In the past Ive seen this happen to my Mother lots of times. She would pay one bill and the rest will be on her like fleas. Even when she fowarded them to her EX's they stll came back to her because thats where they had gotten cash. Her ex's basically just ignored them so they zeroed in on Mom. Even tho legally she didnt have to pay we had to put up with the constant phone calls. Some of them were kinda snippy too.
You need to save that money. What if you have an emergency. .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I went through a divorce without alimony or child support.
I struggle with it for many years. It wasn't until my step
duaghters came into my life. That process healed me
in so many ways. We didn't get any child support from the
girls dad. But most importantly..that i love the girls as they
where my own. I struggle with ...that no one could love
my daughter as much as I could. But the love i have of my
two step duaghthers...changed my mind.
As far as paying bills, I learned the hardway..
I made car payments for my GF when we where seperated.
it didn't change anything...it didn't resolved anything.
experince is key...do what you think is best for you.
I struggle with it for many years. It wasn't until my step
duaghters came into my life. That process healed me
in so many ways. We didn't get any child support from the
girls dad. But most importantly..that i love the girls as they
where my own. I struggle with ...that no one could love
my daughter as much as I could. But the love i have of my
two step duaghthers...changed my mind.
As far as paying bills, I learned the hardway..
I made car payments for my GF when we where seperated.
it didn't change anything...it didn't resolved anything.
experince is key...do what you think is best for you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Guy:
You make it sound as if you got off "easy" in the divorce settlement since you didn't have to pay spousal support when, in fact, you and your children paid dearly. You lost your friend, your lover, your partner, your spouse. You also lost a good deal of income. Your children lost their mother. You and your children suffered a great deal of emotional pain and nearly lost your sanity in the process.
She, on the other hand, walked away from all her responsibilities. She walked away from her home, her husband, her children, her bills. If you pick up the slack for her now, you're not showing her compassion, you're enabling her.
If you truly feel compassion for her and want to express that through your actions, you need to allow her take responsibility for her past mistakes and afford her the opportunity to learn and grow from them. Bailing her out of past debts will shield her from reaping the consequences of her actions. That's not an act of love, that's an act of co-dependency.
You make it sound as if you got off "easy" in the divorce settlement since you didn't have to pay spousal support when, in fact, you and your children paid dearly. You lost your friend, your lover, your partner, your spouse. You also lost a good deal of income. Your children lost their mother. You and your children suffered a great deal of emotional pain and nearly lost your sanity in the process.
She, on the other hand, walked away from all her responsibilities. She walked away from her home, her husband, her children, her bills. If you pick up the slack for her now, you're not showing her compassion, you're enabling her.
If you truly feel compassion for her and want to express that through your actions, you need to allow her take responsibility for her past mistakes and afford her the opportunity to learn and grow from them. Bailing her out of past debts will shield her from reaping the consequences of her actions. That's not an act of love, that's an act of co-dependency.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by CE Girl 
I'm sorry I've had a day, am I reading this right?!?!?!?
Yup, I made someone's life easier. I payed his damn bills. Although, I didn't do it "anonymously". I wanted him to KNOW i was paying his bill cause his sorry ass couldn't do it himself. You know what? the more I paid, the more he asked!! Ya think he loved me for paying them?!?!? I think he was LAUGHING all the way to the liquor store.
Sorry, if I seem a tad tainted
Peace
Yup, I made someone's life easier. I payed his damn bills. Although, I didn't do it "anonymously". I wanted him to KNOW i was paying his bill cause his sorry ass couldn't do it himself. You know what? the more I paid, the more he asked!! Ya think he loved me for paying them?!?!? I think he was LAUGHING all the way to the liquor store.
Sorry, if I seem a tad tainted
Peace
A recovered alcoholic told me "you just lie" it becomes automatic and whatever it takes to keep on using and have some place to sleep and hopefully eat and shower. Thay may not be laughing at you if you pay their bills just saying to themselves how that money can now be used to get high.
Let the debt become an aspect of the recovery plan. Let the addict aspire to become a SOBER functional person contributing to society in a positive way, like repaying their debt. Is that NOT part of making amends?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Motive is not a dirty word. Every action I take has a motive or two behind it. I can examine my motives and if I decide I am taking action for the right reasons (for me), then fine. What I've come to learn about myself is that if my motives include the slightest bit of manipulation it's most likely not in my best interests. And come to think of it, probably not in anyone else's, either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Besides the obvious scientific stuff, Einstein also came up with some amazing philosophical equations(so to speak) Perhaps you know a good link to his non scientific writings?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Guy,
Think about what you are saying here.
This goes back to cleaning up her mess again.
Ys some will say it’s just being nice, but that’s a great codie excuse.
You have come a long way here.
These bills and problems will NEVER end for her as her life is right now.
Take care of your family and take care of your side of the street.
This is hers and her bottom, let all that has happened shape her to recovery and give her the dignity to deal with it.
I say this from the heart and mind for you, we have talked often.
Think about what you are saying here.
This goes back to cleaning up her mess again.
Ys some will say it’s just being nice, but that’s a great codie excuse.
You have come a long way here.
These bills and problems will NEVER end for her as her life is right now.
Take care of your family and take care of your side of the street.
This is hers and her bottom, let all that has happened shape her to recovery and give her the dignity to deal with it.
I say this from the heart and mind for you, we have talked often.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Centreville, VA
Posts: 24
My recovering AH and I have TONS of cc's calling daily -- he was out of work from Aug-Jan (did have to cash in 401K but that didn't go far in paying back bills). He's now working at a greatly reduced pay rate -- I would LOVE for someone to pay our cc's off, but I know that we're the only ones who can do that. It's our consequences for our diseases. My "codie" disease (love that you all call it "codie" .. I just joined this group and have to get familiar w/the terms) let me be just as awful w/money as his "alkie" (?) disease -- in trying to keep everyone happy, I totally helped screw our finances. But, we're slowly recovering...one day at a time. Haven't touched much of the cc bills YET....but we do have all the day to day living expenses caught up now, which is a blessing!! It's amazing what addiction can do to finances!!! Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by denny57
Motive is not a dirty word. Every action I take has a motive or two behind it. I can examine my motives and if I decide I am taking action for the right reasons (for me), then fine. What I've come to learn about myself is that if my motives include the slightest bit of manipulation it's most likely not in my best interests. And come to think of it, probably not in anyone else's, either.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
That's true, LaTeeDa. I am finding that harder to do. I had a session with my therapist today where I started out saying something I was going to do and I was absolutely convinced it was right and my motives were pure. By the time I walked out of there I knew I wasn't going to do it. All she did was let me talk and talk and talk. I heard myself and there was just no kidding me. I think it was a good reminder that for me, writing it out and/or talking it out with someone else keeps me more real than just thinking about it. I have found when I stay inside my own head, I do tend to stay in denial and rationalization. This has been a very slow process for me.
Hope that makes sense.
Hope that makes sense.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
