A question,,,,,,,,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
A question,,,,,,,,
When did you know, your A finally GOT IT, and respected your boundry?
Haven't seen my A in a little over a month, no contact at all for 7 days.
In all that time, I would get at least one email/call a day asking me to talk to him. Somedays more. He never elaborated on anything else. All he would say is I miss you and wish you would talk to me. Maybe another line like, you don't have to be with me, but lets at least communicate. No mention of the craziness that surrounded my finally reaching MY bottom. Not unexpected since I have realized he probably NEVER will acknowledge what he did to "us" with his drinking. Its the denial.
So, I've gotten used to his little games to get past my electronic blocks. Read half of what he sent, deleted the rest. Like wise with voicemails, though that is harder, as its a business cell and when he comes through as "private" I have to listen to the message in case its one of my employees.
Anyway, today nothing.
So, now I'm wondering, is it another of his ploys? Or do you think he gets it? Finally realizing no contact MEANS no contact.
I feel so discombobilated by this. Of course, I've been spewing that I want him to leave me alone, but with nothing from him today, am almost disapointed. For sure, very sad. One part of me says, its just another ploy. He figures if he actually leaves me alone, I will cave and contact him. Been there, done that before in our codie/alkie dance.
Worst yet, if he actually DOES finally get it, I'm realizing this is TRULY it. A sense of panic has set in. Taking inventory can sometimes really suck
I can't wait till I'm well,,,
Peace
Haven't seen my A in a little over a month, no contact at all for 7 days.
In all that time, I would get at least one email/call a day asking me to talk to him. Somedays more. He never elaborated on anything else. All he would say is I miss you and wish you would talk to me. Maybe another line like, you don't have to be with me, but lets at least communicate. No mention of the craziness that surrounded my finally reaching MY bottom. Not unexpected since I have realized he probably NEVER will acknowledge what he did to "us" with his drinking. Its the denial.
So, I've gotten used to his little games to get past my electronic blocks. Read half of what he sent, deleted the rest. Like wise with voicemails, though that is harder, as its a business cell and when he comes through as "private" I have to listen to the message in case its one of my employees.
Anyway, today nothing.
So, now I'm wondering, is it another of his ploys? Or do you think he gets it? Finally realizing no contact MEANS no contact.
I feel so discombobilated by this. Of course, I've been spewing that I want him to leave me alone, but with nothing from him today, am almost disapointed. For sure, very sad. One part of me says, its just another ploy. He figures if he actually leaves me alone, I will cave and contact him. Been there, done that before in our codie/alkie dance.
Worst yet, if he actually DOES finally get it, I'm realizing this is TRULY it. A sense of panic has set in. Taking inventory can sometimes really suck
I can't wait till I'm well,,,
Peace
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
CE GIRL ((((Hugs)))) Stop wondering if it is a "ploy" or what is he up to next-When I finally stopped that is when I was able to start helping myself and focusing on what is most important ME and my recovery!
He may get what he did and he may not-If you read some posts and stickies you will see alot our SR A's GOT IT but that is not for us to decide or focus on.
It is heart wrenching to feel what I can imagine you are feeling-I have been there with so many others (and still fall back in that mode on a bad day-) I know from taking care of ME-through Counseling, AL-Anon and SR that focusing on what he is or is not doing is taking away and creating chaos that I walked away from-and it is not allowing for my recovery which is what I need to do!
Have you tried going to an Al-Aanon meeting?
Please take care of YOU ((((CEGIRL))))
He may get what he did and he may not-If you read some posts and stickies you will see alot our SR A's GOT IT but that is not for us to decide or focus on.
It is heart wrenching to feel what I can imagine you are feeling-I have been there with so many others (and still fall back in that mode on a bad day-) I know from taking care of ME-through Counseling, AL-Anon and SR that focusing on what he is or is not doing is taking away and creating chaos that I walked away from-and it is not allowing for my recovery which is what I need to do!
Have you tried going to an Al-Aanon meeting?
Please take care of YOU ((((CEGIRL))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
ahh hon, there is no way to know what he is thinking/doing... and dont let him take up space in that head of yours.... that is still part of the dance.
I know easier said then done, and its scarry when that realization comes over you that this really is it, but unless you want to hit your bottom again... and again... you are going to have to let it go.
You know, they say that when an Alcoholic goes out and drinks again it is worse for them then when they quit..... I think it might be the same for us too.
I know easier said then done, and its scarry when that realization comes over you that this really is it, but unless you want to hit your bottom again... and again... you are going to have to let it go.
You know, they say that when an Alcoholic goes out and drinks again it is worse for them then when they quit..... I think it might be the same for us too.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Ive been there..so Im not bashing you..but this thing done by some codependents.
1) Set boundry of no contact
2) continue taking calls
3) When they finally stop making contact Im shocked
4) I get upset and wonder why isnt he calling, what is he doing?
5) I call him and start the whole thing over
This is a prime example of what was wrong with me before recovery..I needed the contact, I needed the validation that I was needed, I wanted the drama as a distraction from the millions of things I was upset about in my own life..not my life I had with an alcoholic.
Im grateful for recovery today
You're on the path CE, bc you see the discombobilation in all of this...you go girl ..its all part of the path.
1) Set boundry of no contact
2) continue taking calls
3) When they finally stop making contact Im shocked
4) I get upset and wonder why isnt he calling, what is he doing?
5) I call him and start the whole thing over
This is a prime example of what was wrong with me before recovery..I needed the contact, I needed the validation that I was needed, I wanted the drama as a distraction from the millions of things I was upset about in my own life..not my life I had with an alcoholic.
Im grateful for recovery today
You're on the path CE, bc you see the discombobilation in all of this...you go girl ..its all part of the path.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think they accept your boundaries when you stop hearing from them. They don't want a relationship that requires anything from them and when they see you mean what you say and say what you mean, they fade away. I think they feel ineffective and exposed. Suddenly the clarity comes that some part of your own life will be on your own terms.
They hope you'll call because that means you are still on the hook, you need something they have.
They hope you'll call because that means you are still on the hook, you need something they have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
"They don't want a relationship that requires anything from them"
--DITTO! I think I am finally getting it now, after five years of marriage. I keep waiting for AH to grow up and act like a man, to contribute somehow, but he can't. I don't think it's done maliciously--they are just so adept at taking and taking and taking, but offer nothing in return.
--DITTO! I think I am finally getting it now, after five years of marriage. I keep waiting for AH to grow up and act like a man, to contribute somehow, but he can't. I don't think it's done maliciously--they are just so adept at taking and taking and taking, but offer nothing in return.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
It stopped when I got it, not him, I think.
Any contact was unemotional, not related to anything personal and for a purpose. Actually, most of our contact was via lawyers for that reason. That's not to say that it stopped him trying, but it did stop me responding. If he phoned, I hung up. If he emailed, I ignored it or forwarded it to my lawyer, depending on the context. It did help that he was creating enough drama in his life with his new woman/failing business/financial troubles that he didn't need to create any with me.
I did break contact recently and played him at his own game as a means to an end. That contact set off a flurry of stuff from him which I have since ignored and will continue to do so. The amount it affects me is within my control. And it has a big fat zero affect on me now, although I can clearly remember how it was in those early months.
I will never be able to convince him of anything. He lives in his own fantasy world in which I am simply an object to be manipulated and controlled. But only if I allow it.
Any contact was unemotional, not related to anything personal and for a purpose. Actually, most of our contact was via lawyers for that reason. That's not to say that it stopped him trying, but it did stop me responding. If he phoned, I hung up. If he emailed, I ignored it or forwarded it to my lawyer, depending on the context. It did help that he was creating enough drama in his life with his new woman/failing business/financial troubles that he didn't need to create any with me.
I did break contact recently and played him at his own game as a means to an end. That contact set off a flurry of stuff from him which I have since ignored and will continue to do so. The amount it affects me is within my control. And it has a big fat zero affect on me now, although I can clearly remember how it was in those early months.
I will never be able to convince him of anything. He lives in his own fantasy world in which I am simply an object to be manipulated and controlled. But only if I allow it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I wish when I didn't hear from my husband for a day or two it meant he had finally "got it", or at least got himself some much needed treatment. So far, it has only meant that he's on a binge. Oh well. I do still wonder, which is something I'm trying to work on.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Wow, I'd forgotten how that worked.
Miss him, demand no contact, then miss him, wonder why he hadn't contacted me, felt disappointed, had panicky feelings and found a reason to contact him again. Been there, done that, continued the "game" and "dance".
Today, as Minnie said, "I get it". I don't believe that my XAH really "gets" any of it. He's got himself convinced of false truths. I assume because it's easier for him to blame me than face himself. And really, I don't think he'll ever get any of it. It's sad, but I've learned to accept it, it's reality.
Just remember, that it takes two people to continue the cycle. When only one plays, they eventually tire of playing alone.
Miss him, demand no contact, then miss him, wonder why he hadn't contacted me, felt disappointed, had panicky feelings and found a reason to contact him again. Been there, done that, continued the "game" and "dance".
Today, as Minnie said, "I get it". I don't believe that my XAH really "gets" any of it. He's got himself convinced of false truths. I assume because it's easier for him to blame me than face himself. And really, I don't think he'll ever get any of it. It's sad, but I've learned to accept it, it's reality.
Just remember, that it takes two people to continue the cycle. When only one plays, they eventually tire of playing alone.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
(((CE Girl)))) i feel exactly the same way right now - as you said yesterday, we are in the SAME place...almost to the day. well, i broke the no contact boundary yesterday as you know, and believe me, it was an awful night and a very hard day today. finally feeling better now (exhausted, though). it is just so tough and no easy answers. hang in there - you will get through this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey CEgirl - yup, I totally get what you're feeling. It is weird at first when they stop calling, trying to make contact. We get so used to fending off their craziness for so long, that when it finally stops we're still on the defensive; still thinking the nut's gonna call or stop by any second now.
All I can say is that while I feel sad a lot of time (still feeling the loss of...what??), it HAS gotten easier...I do not think about him nearly as much as I used to....I'm getting on with my life now.
Just let yourself feel sad...to feel ALL the feelings that might come on...and do really nice things for yourself. Pamper you. Time makes things better when combined with books, therapy, al-anon, shopping, cooking, friends, family, SR, pets, volunteering, gardening, exercising, etc. etc. etc. etc.
All I can say is that while I feel sad a lot of time (still feeling the loss of...what??), it HAS gotten easier...I do not think about him nearly as much as I used to....I'm getting on with my life now.
Just let yourself feel sad...to feel ALL the feelings that might come on...and do really nice things for yourself. Pamper you. Time makes things better when combined with books, therapy, al-anon, shopping, cooking, friends, family, SR, pets, volunteering, gardening, exercising, etc. etc. etc. etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
For me, the answer to this question: "When did you know, your A finally GOT IT, and respected your boundry?"
is
When I finally got it, when I respected my boundary, internally. For me that requires vigilance and complete abstinence and disengagement. 100%.
Not unlike how I remain sober: I don't drink, and remain vigilant to the disease trying to tell me otherwise.
is
When I finally got it, when I respected my boundary, internally. For me that requires vigilance and complete abstinence and disengagement. 100%.
Not unlike how I remain sober: I don't drink, and remain vigilant to the disease trying to tell me otherwise.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Update
UPDATE:
TO MY VERY GOOD SR FRIENDS!!!!
Thank you ALL for your support. I Made it!!! I did not contact him. I am LISTENING to what you say, and using every ounce of my support systems. I can't tell you what your expereinces and sharing has done to help me stay strong. I only hope, someday, I can be there for all of you.
Kept myself busy and went to an al anon meeting last night. I've been going for the past month and usually sit in the back of the room, listening and absorbing. But was in such a state last night, i marched myself in there, sat in the FRONT and TALKED!! OMG< did I talk. And cried, and yelled (softly) and let the fellowship hold me in their arms. I actually went out to coffee after!!
It feels weird still, no contact, but I am at peace with the decision I made, the boundry. Your all so right, I need to stop worrying about what my A is doing and focus on ME. The boundry HAS to be 100%. To give less than that, would be doing myself a disservice and I will end up in the same self loathing, miserable pity pot I so often found myself in when I was with him.
KGlast, I don't know if this will help you, but the fact you contacted your A yesterday, had a HUGE impact on me. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but you brought back ALL the reasons why I shouldn't. I know the exhaustion you speak of, and the fight to get back.
Last night I had it put to me this way.
Picture a bunch of children and a ladder. On that ladder, some chicldren are climbing, others hanging on a rung by an arm, looking about to fall, one at the top, with their arms outstrectched in victory, one on the bottom, holding the bruise on their head, another about to get up and make the climb again. The point of that picture is its never a smooth ascent. Frought with "levels" Almost getting to the top, only to slip or fall a few rungs. Each level, coming and going in its own way, no particular order, and some repeated. Till eventually you make it to the top and remain there.
I love my A. No doubt. And you know what, its OK!! I can. I need to grieve the loss however, and I can not do that if he isn't really gone,,,
Day 8, I will continue to climb
Peace
PS Am I "getting" it?
TO MY VERY GOOD SR FRIENDS!!!!
Thank you ALL for your support. I Made it!!! I did not contact him. I am LISTENING to what you say, and using every ounce of my support systems. I can't tell you what your expereinces and sharing has done to help me stay strong. I only hope, someday, I can be there for all of you.
Kept myself busy and went to an al anon meeting last night. I've been going for the past month and usually sit in the back of the room, listening and absorbing. But was in such a state last night, i marched myself in there, sat in the FRONT and TALKED!! OMG< did I talk. And cried, and yelled (softly) and let the fellowship hold me in their arms. I actually went out to coffee after!!
It feels weird still, no contact, but I am at peace with the decision I made, the boundry. Your all so right, I need to stop worrying about what my A is doing and focus on ME. The boundry HAS to be 100%. To give less than that, would be doing myself a disservice and I will end up in the same self loathing, miserable pity pot I so often found myself in when I was with him.
KGlast, I don't know if this will help you, but the fact you contacted your A yesterday, had a HUGE impact on me. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but you brought back ALL the reasons why I shouldn't. I know the exhaustion you speak of, and the fight to get back.
Last night I had it put to me this way.
Picture a bunch of children and a ladder. On that ladder, some chicldren are climbing, others hanging on a rung by an arm, looking about to fall, one at the top, with their arms outstrectched in victory, one on the bottom, holding the bruise on their head, another about to get up and make the climb again. The point of that picture is its never a smooth ascent. Frought with "levels" Almost getting to the top, only to slip or fall a few rungs. Each level, coming and going in its own way, no particular order, and some repeated. Till eventually you make it to the top and remain there.
I love my A. No doubt. And you know what, its OK!! I can. I need to grieve the loss however, and I can not do that if he isn't really gone,,,
Day 8, I will continue to climb
Peace
PS Am I "getting" it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Nice work, CE. I hope it continues on for you the way it did for me. Though it can be difficult for me today to actually feel what I did back then, I understand it and I remember how devastated I was. In the first weeks I spent many days crying my heart out in the fetal position. Meetings worked wonder for me - the fellowship continues to sustain me today.
I'm looking forward to your posts in the coming months as you rediscover just how joyous life can be.
((()))
I'm looking forward to your posts in the coming months as you rediscover just how joyous life can be.
((()))
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Great Job CE! Keep up the good work-stick with it. Elizabeth said it wonderful in my thread-about not contacting and allowing the chaos to re-enter! Contacting them only starts the roller coster ride all over again! I'm not one for roller coasters!
((((hugs)))
((((hugs)))
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