bad idea??
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Not one person thought it was okay to go over there. None of you.
I guess I wasn't sure either or I wouldn't have thought it was maybe a bad idea (like you said ICU).
Why do I feel so confused?!?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Confused is not bad. It is a sign of growth. Old habits die hard. I find that when I am most confused, it's usually right before a breakthrough. You are growing, and sometimes that's painful. (((())))
L
L
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Confused?
Because he's doing what he does best, manipulating.
And you are still a "newbie" in how to handle it. In the past, you have been sucked in. Letting your heart rule instead of your head. Now your looking at motives. Oh, and theres that MINOR thing of thinking about YOU!! (tongue in cheek there sista,,)
God, when my A sneeks an email through, or calls my phone with a "private" and leaves a message I SO want to be with him and BELIEVE what he's saying.
I've decided the reason I do is because of "learned behaviour"
I'm learning NEW behaviours and sometimes that just feels uncomfortable AND confusing.
Stay Strong
Peace
Because he's doing what he does best, manipulating.
And you are still a "newbie" in how to handle it. In the past, you have been sucked in. Letting your heart rule instead of your head. Now your looking at motives. Oh, and theres that MINOR thing of thinking about YOU!! (tongue in cheek there sista,,)
God, when my A sneeks an email through, or calls my phone with a "private" and leaves a message I SO want to be with him and BELIEVE what he's saying.
I've decided the reason I do is because of "learned behaviour"
I'm learning NEW behaviours and sometimes that just feels uncomfortable AND confusing.
Stay Strong
Peace
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Ya'll won't believe this! AH just called me at the ofc like nothing was wrong in the world. Sounded fine. Didn't sound like he had been drinking and wanted to know if I wanted to go on an overnight trip with him this weekend.
I said, "Are you serious??" He said, "Yeah, why?"
I told him I had to go and hung up.
Okay, tell me, manipulation, RIGHT????????
I said, "Are you serious??" He said, "Yeah, why?"
I told him I had to go and hung up.
Okay, tell me, manipulation, RIGHT????????
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Chero ...maybe he just wants to ignore his behavior..act like nothing happenend in hopes you will get over it.
Or it could be Manipulation, psychotic tendencies, abusive control, and good old fashioned mind fu*%ing!
My ex did this to me all the time.
I have to really watch my response to your posts because they are triggers for me. My ex used many of the mind trickeries you have said your husband is using so I can tend to get over emotional about the situation.
I remember one time after a particularly aggressive argument, the next morning he asked if he could cook me a romantic dinner and draw me a bath when I walked in from work. I am still sitting here shaking my head of the way my life was..it was pure insanity.
Keep your head up, stay safe, Im thinking of you
Or it could be Manipulation, psychotic tendencies, abusive control, and good old fashioned mind fu*%ing!
My ex did this to me all the time.
I have to really watch my response to your posts because they are triggers for me. My ex used many of the mind trickeries you have said your husband is using so I can tend to get over emotional about the situation.
I remember one time after a particularly aggressive argument, the next morning he asked if he could cook me a romantic dinner and draw me a bath when I walked in from work. I am still sitting here shaking my head of the way my life was..it was pure insanity.
Keep your head up, stay safe, Im thinking of you
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 
Chero ...maybe he just wants to ignore his behavior..act like nothing happenend in hopes you will get over it.
Or it could be Manipulation, psychotic tendencies, abusive control, and good old fashioned mind fu*%ing!
My ex did this to me all the time.
I have to really watch my response to your posts because they are triggers for me. My ex used many of the mind trickeries you have said your husband is using so I can tend to get over emotional about the situation.
I remember one time after a particularly aggressive argument, the next morning he asked if he could cook me a romantic dinner and draw me a bath when I walked in from work. I am still sitting here shaking my head of the way my life was..it was pure insanity.
Keep your head up, stay safe, Im thinking of you
Or it could be Manipulation, psychotic tendencies, abusive control, and good old fashioned mind fu*%ing!
My ex did this to me all the time.
I have to really watch my response to your posts because they are triggers for me. My ex used many of the mind trickeries you have said your husband is using so I can tend to get over emotional about the situation.
I remember one time after a particularly aggressive argument, the next morning he asked if he could cook me a romantic dinner and draw me a bath when I walked in from work. I am still sitting here shaking my head of the way my life was..it was pure insanity.
Keep your head up, stay safe, Im thinking of you
So true Elizabeth! My XAB same thing! I keep having things pop up every now again that I'm no in the chaos anymore and I too shake my head like *WOW* that is what he was trying to do! HELLO!
((((((((((((CHERO)))))))) Hugs honey please be careful and meet some place public if you feel the need to do so-or as was said also if you can do it over the phone that is at all possible!!!
BE SAFE HONEY
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
normally you probably wouldnt have given this a second thought , you would of just gone .
the fact that you are confused and are thinking about it and asking for help , shows that you are growing , you are learning and you are going to be okay .
(())s to you chero .. keep pushing forward !
BTW , that last phone call from him just goes to show you how in denial he is !
the fact that you are confused and are thinking about it and asking for help , shows that you are growing , you are learning and you are going to be okay .
(())s to you chero .. keep pushing forward !
BTW , that last phone call from him just goes to show you how in denial he is !
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
OK Chero..lets work through this.
1) Do you want to go?
2) What do you want to have happen or accomplish by seeing him to discuss these things?
3) What emotions do you have when you think about not agreeing to his request?
4) What emotions do you have when you think about agreeing to his request?
1) Do you want to go?
2) What do you want to have happen or accomplish by seeing him to discuss these things?
3) What emotions do you have when you think about not agreeing to his request?
4) What emotions do you have when you think about agreeing to his request?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
please, do not go meet him, do not conduct important negotiations or be alone with him now.
wait until you are less confused, stronger and more time has passed.
conduct negitiations through a neutral 3rd party.
wait until you are less confused, stronger and more time has passed.
conduct negitiations through a neutral 3rd party.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
1) Do you want to go? Part of me wants to go tomorrow. Part of me just wants to pretend he is out of my life. This weekend. I don't want to go.
2) What do you want to have happen or accomplish by seeing him to discuss these things? I think it would clear my conscious to give him his business stuff back and be done with that part of it. Okay, and honestly part of me wants to see him to see if he is suffering without me. OMG! That is so bad.
3) What emotions do you have when you think about not agreeing to his request? FEAR!
4) What emotions do you have when you think about agreeing to his request? FEAR!
I just don't see how I can go with him this weekend. There is no way. What is he doing?? I can't go this weekend. I can't. I won't.
Tomorrow....I'm still up in the air about it??? Maybe I'm a little afraid to see him because I just don't know what he'll be like...really. If someone was telling me this stuff I'd say DON'T GO!
Why can't I follow my own advice.
2) What do you want to have happen or accomplish by seeing him to discuss these things? I think it would clear my conscious to give him his business stuff back and be done with that part of it. Okay, and honestly part of me wants to see him to see if he is suffering without me. OMG! That is so bad.
3) What emotions do you have when you think about not agreeing to his request? FEAR!
4) What emotions do you have when you think about agreeing to his request? FEAR!
I just don't see how I can go with him this weekend. There is no way. What is he doing?? I can't go this weekend. I can't. I won't.
Tomorrow....I'm still up in the air about it??? Maybe I'm a little afraid to see him because I just don't know what he'll be like...really. If someone was telling me this stuff I'd say DON'T GO!
Why can't I follow my own advice.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
If you absolutely feel the need to see him - PLEASE make it a public place.
My husband and I were in active anger counseling (intense!) sessions and even after three years, they suggested public places for ALL discussions.
That anger comes in a FLASH. It is instantaneous - you know that. Stuff starts out all fine, then goes to hell in handbasket. Please also make an appointment immediately following meeting with him (if you go) with a good friend who knows to call the cops if you are late. Hell, have her wait for you at the restaurant.
IF you insist on going.
I know what you told us you think this meeting is about. I think you are mistaken about what HE believes it is about. Best is right... rereading his post might be helpful.
((chero))
My husband and I were in active anger counseling (intense!) sessions and even after three years, they suggested public places for ALL discussions.
That anger comes in a FLASH. It is instantaneous - you know that. Stuff starts out all fine, then goes to hell in handbasket. Please also make an appointment immediately following meeting with him (if you go) with a good friend who knows to call the cops if you are late. Hell, have her wait for you at the restaurant.
IF you insist on going.
I know what you told us you think this meeting is about. I think you are mistaken about what HE believes it is about. Best is right... rereading his post might be helpful.
((chero))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Chero, you had enough confidence to leave him, now you have to have confidence in your own common sense. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. Repeat that as many times a day as needed. If you walk back in that house alone, there is a chance he could bar you from leaving and whale into you again. Common sense - okay?
He doesn't suddenly desperately need to go over the books. What the heck was he going over all those days he was dead drunk. He's trying to lure you back into that house. Suggest a neutral place to meet, and if he doesn't like that idea you'll have your answer: he was manipulating you in order to corner you in the house.
The guy has proven he's a control freak and physically abusive. Do you believe the God you know would want to place you in harm's way? Now just start listening to God and not your feelings of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
He doesn't suddenly desperately need to go over the books. What the heck was he going over all those days he was dead drunk. He's trying to lure you back into that house. Suggest a neutral place to meet, and if he doesn't like that idea you'll have your answer: he was manipulating you in order to corner you in the house.
The guy has proven he's a control freak and physically abusive. Do you believe the God you know would want to place you in harm's way? Now just start listening to God and not your feelings of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I'm gonna tell it like it is Sista,,at least for me,,,
My A did the same thing. Often. He would reak havoc, making life a nightmare, putting me in "twist" mode where I could concentrate on nothing except my obsession with him and his alcoholism. talking, cajoling, threatening, bribing. Yup, making pacts with the devil. And thats all he needed me to do. The lines of communication remained open.
Might I point out? You took his call. And contemplated his request. About the meeting to go over the "business stuff". Right? Thats all he needed. It's on now!!!Next "hook" an romantic overnight, and she is MINE,,,(little sniddley whiplash here would be appropriate)
So, yup, once my A got what he needed, he acted like nothing ever happened. Go figure where they get the balls big enough for that, except I am learning arrogance seems to be a complimenting trait to this NASTY disease. You know what? In the not so distant past, I LET him get away with it. Because for me, the ability to reason with him had long been lost. What made me FINAALLY form my boundry was realizing it simply wasn't going to change. AND getting freakin HEALTHY.
Noone can tell you what to do sweetie. We can only offer our experience. Each of us, are different, but similarities in common with our nightmares. I myself have sucked it up and listened to what the good people on this site have shared with me, and as you know, one day at a time, I am slowly breaking away.
Speak to the spirits Girl. Or whatever you beleive in.
Peace
My A did the same thing. Often. He would reak havoc, making life a nightmare, putting me in "twist" mode where I could concentrate on nothing except my obsession with him and his alcoholism. talking, cajoling, threatening, bribing. Yup, making pacts with the devil. And thats all he needed me to do. The lines of communication remained open.
Might I point out? You took his call. And contemplated his request. About the meeting to go over the "business stuff". Right? Thats all he needed. It's on now!!!Next "hook" an romantic overnight, and she is MINE,,,(little sniddley whiplash here would be appropriate)
So, yup, once my A got what he needed, he acted like nothing ever happened. Go figure where they get the balls big enough for that, except I am learning arrogance seems to be a complimenting trait to this NASTY disease. You know what? In the not so distant past, I LET him get away with it. Because for me, the ability to reason with him had long been lost. What made me FINAALLY form my boundry was realizing it simply wasn't going to change. AND getting freakin HEALTHY.
Noone can tell you what to do sweetie. We can only offer our experience. Each of us, are different, but similarities in common with our nightmares. I myself have sucked it up and listened to what the good people on this site have shared with me, and as you know, one day at a time, I am slowly breaking away.
Speak to the spirits Girl. Or whatever you beleive in.
Peace
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't play his game, he is trying to suck you back into his web...there is really nothing that cannot be handled over the phone or through an attorney. As for bookeeping, any
qualified bookeeper can follow the number trail...this is a ploy...sounds like you both are looking for a reason to meet.
My two cents...this is a real, real, bad idea.
qualified bookeeper can follow the number trail...this is a ploy...sounds like you both are looking for a reason to meet.
My two cents...this is a real, real, bad idea.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!
Big surprise, (i'm so ashamed to admit this!) I called AH after work and his exact words were, "WHAT do you want?"
Told me if I wasn't coming home not to call him. Not only do I hear the truth from you guys, I hear it from my AH! Now that's embarrassing!
He WAS manipulating me earlier with the plea for the weekend get away. I wish ya'll could see the dumbfounded look on my face right now. I'm still shocked. I'm ridiculous...that's what I am.
So, I've been trying to figure out how I can get his stuff to him and not have to go the house alone. There is a little store not far from our house (i guess his house
) and I could tell him to meet me there if he wants the things.
That's the right thing to do.
You know, seems not too long ago I posted something about you guys always being right...put this in that category!
Will I ever learn!?
Big surprise, (i'm so ashamed to admit this!) I called AH after work and his exact words were, "WHAT do you want?"
Told me if I wasn't coming home not to call him. Not only do I hear the truth from you guys, I hear it from my AH! Now that's embarrassing!
He WAS manipulating me earlier with the plea for the weekend get away. I wish ya'll could see the dumbfounded look on my face right now. I'm still shocked. I'm ridiculous...that's what I am.
So, I've been trying to figure out how I can get his stuff to him and not have to go the house alone. There is a little store not far from our house (i guess his house
) and I could tell him to meet me there if he wants the things.That's the right thing to do.
You know, seems not too long ago I posted something about you guys always being right...put this in that category!
Will I ever learn!?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Stick his things in a box and mail them to him, you have his address, or just drop them off on your way to work, put them on the front steps, no call, no nothing. You are making this much more difficult than it is...why, because you want to see him...period..and convince him of what he needs to do..the only thing you need to get is that nothing you do or say will change him...only he can do that...and he has no interest in doing that.
Again I say NO CONTACT.
Again I say NO CONTACT.
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