chero

My AH and I are going to meet up after work Tuesday to go over some financial things. It's a trickey situation since he has his own business and I took care of his books for him (of course i did!).

I'm still struggling with the no contact thing and now I'm going to see him.

Is this a bad idea??? We are supposed to meet at the house. Of course, he has been drunk everyday before and since I left. I told him I would call when I left work and tell him I was coming. But my real reason for doing that is to see if he is drunk. If he is I won't go.

I'm doing terrible with the no contact. I had said last night that I've resolved to let him go but I wasn't sure how I felt about the marriage!?

I don't want to get sucked back in but I need to go over this stuff with him.
I feel strong enough to not get sucked back in....but...???

Is this a bad decision I'm making to go over there???

WhatAboutME

Why don't you meet in a more neutral environment such as a restaurant, barnes and noble, etc.? At least you won't have such an influx of personal memories clouding your judgement or concentration during your meeting. As bad as things are with my AH, our home holds a lot of good, nostalgic memories for me that would be hard to ignore, and really test my strength, if he was to come here to meet me during a similar situation as yours.

You're doing great with limiting your contact with him. It's hard, I know. I'll go 2,3,4days w/out talking to my husband and then finally answer his call. And to my surprise, he's still drunk every time I pick up. Time just seems to stand still for the active alcoholic.

Ann

Chero, because of the abuse and need to keep yourself safe, if you must meet with him perhaps a more neutral place would be better and perhaps you could take someone with you to help you if he becomes abusive again.

Just my thoughts, your safety matters to me.

Hugs

Mr. Christian

Really bad idea going over there.
Take care of it over the phone.

chero

Maybe a neutral place would be better???

What, I think you are right. It probably is about the house to me. Or not the house but my things. I want to see them and be there. It's weird, I guess.

I started crying last night thinking about our photo albums full of us smiling and happy. Who would take care of those? What happens to those memories without someone to care for them?

I don't know what I'm going to do?? The chances he won't be drinking are slim! That may be my answer.

chero

Really bad, Mr. C???

Mr. Christian

Is there a reason you can not just do this over the phone?

Is this an excuse just to see him?

Talking about things like this can be done over the phone to avoid problems.
In my past I did it that way which was good.
She was still using and ended up hanging up the phone after screaming at me.

Now memories are just that, memories.

Good and bad. No one has to take care of them, they are always with us.
Playing on your emotions will not help you, you must think only why you are at this point.

ICU

Chero, I think you already knew the answer to your question from the words you chose to use in the title of this thread...'bad idea'! Trust what you know deep down inside of you, and, all that you have learned in these past few weeks!

hopeangel

please don't go over there,not now. this is the very same guy that beat you and told you that he was NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE. do you really think now that you have left that he will let you leave again? no. it is when abusers lose their control that they are most dangerous. he has been drunk EVERY day since you left.
the situation will turn very volitale very fast.
if you are REALLY concerned about your things bring someone with you. the police can help you get your things.

CE Girl

No No No Sista!!!!

If I wasn't clear enough, DO NOT CAVE!!!!

I understand the need to "talk" about business. But think about what its going to do to you to get stuck in that viscious cycle again. Your holding out hope he's be sober and coherent. Been there done that. Each time I take that leap of faith, I am disapointed. Remember what it feels like going "home". The "twisting" that goes on in your tummy. The projection of what it will be like if he's drunk. More abuse GIRL!! Please don't do that to yourself again

I'm sorry, but let him take care of his own BOOKS!!! That ought to be amusing, since he can't even take care of HIMSELF

I got an email from the A today. Yup, back at work and he's playing his freakin GAMES again. He's telling me he has a job interview and he "misses getting my advice, input and all other things"

HOGWASH, just another of his ploys

He says hes TRYING to make changes for the better and he's doing it, asks me to please see that

Ya, right. How many meetings have you been too? Seen your therapist yet? Oh, and is your mistress vodka still in your bed with you.

I'm VERY angry today obviously

And if that A of yours does another thing to harm you, I'm putting a WHAMMY on him

I'm native american, you don't want to **** me off

Peace Sista and STAY STRONG

parentrecovers

nope, don't go. trust your gut..

blessings, k

hopeangel

lmao - your great. now i know were to turn when i need something hehe

elizabeth1979

It would be a bad idea for me to go.
I wouldnt do it.
Finances and separation can be discussed in court, with lawyers, in mediation, or on the phone...thats for me and my world though

loveRoy

I went down that road. Really bad idea. Only led to more manipulation and lies. I only ended up, once again, with a broken heart. Please listen to everyone. Please don't go.

cautious

Please don't go, chero. Give yourself the respect of creating some distance, and give him the respect of taking care of himself.

best

I need help please come...

Manipulation.

We need to talk...

Manipulation.

I can't handle this...

Manipulation.

He needs figure things out for himself.
A nuetral meeting (public) place and by phone should be all you would need do.
If you go to the house and collect some of your things.. go with a helper to help carry things (a witness and support person). Ask your resources what they think is best (the shelter people) They have seen it all and know what is the best thing to do. It would be wise to listen to them.

TexasGirl

Hi there,
I understand how you feel. When I first moved out, all I wanted to do was just go home. It's so hard to be living in a suitcase or staying at a friends house or hotel. Even when I got my apartment, it didn't feel like home. I wanted to sleep in my bed. But you know what? With time, any new place that you end up at will feel like home. Looking back, I always felt like that when I moved, even when it was just to a new house in the same town with XAH. The new place just didn't feel like home, but it just takes a little time. As for your personal items there (photos, etc.), you can certainly have a police escort to go back with you to get your items.

As always, I can only speak to how I felt in the situation, but I want to share my side, and maybe you can see how it might apply to your situation too. I knew I was not being treated correctly in the marriage. I knew nothing had changed (even if my heart hoped it had). I knew he would know just what to say. And I knew that I was susceptible to his crafty words. I had to create some initial distance. Giving myself this time allowed me to re-group, to consider what had happened and what wouldn't happen again.

Going back under the guise of talking about his books sounds like a way that you could find out how he's doing. Let me just say this....if he's going to change or not, he will do it whether you go back to see it or not. My XAH came to see me at work, and he was swearing that he was going to be different. I wanted to believe it, but my head was still in charge. I waited him out. It wasn't much longer before he was back to his old ways. Give him the time to prove whether he can actually be with you. Time is on your side.

As for the books.....yes, you may have the knowledge that he doesn't have regarding the previous financials. But do you really owe a man who has physically assaulted you help with his business. You owe him nothing, and he owes you everything. If he can't figure it out, he can hire someone to do it for him. Or he can learn the hard way, probably what you did when you started helping him. I guarantee he will figure it out when he's ready to get paid.

From this point forward, this is only about you. He's received chance after chance after chance, hasn't he? Has anything changed after those chances?

(((())))

Cecilia

Ive see all this crap one too many times. My Mother has married six of these *****s. Not to mention the friends. When I was in my teens she married their king. Used to really pi$$ me off how she would lie for him. I mean just how clumsy can one person be.

The thing that really ticked me off tho was that she would have let him treat me the same if I hadnt stood up for myself. He put his hands on me one time. I gave him a black eye and a split lip. Yes I know not a good idea but I was 17 and stupid. LOL.

And just so you know it will only get worse. The more you pull away the more desperate he will become to pull you back. Also they dont have to be drunk to hit you. In Moms case the only reason the physical abuse stopped was because my husband stepped in and abused him. I think that fool woman would still be with him if he hadnt died.

I need to quit typing now Im starting to get snippy. Can you tell this is one of my buttons. LOL. UMMM. Could someone please help me down off my box now.

best

Midwestrn RedHeaded Codie


Sorry, you will need help yourself down *LOL*

Zoey

chero, if he is sober and does some temp sweet talk, won't you melt and probably stay. Then have to go through this again.
Please find a neutral place. My soft caring loving heart would give in right quick if alone with him.

If it is true love, it will be there when and if he gets sober and wants to be sober.

You can hire movers and take a friend, meet the movers there, then put it in storage till you know what to do.

Just don't go to the house and be alone with him.