Sally

I lost it.....I freaked out.....screamed...at him....like having a dicussion with a wall......got me absolutly nowhere but even more furious........

I called the girl....said.....hello there this is sally.....so and so's wife.......I retrieved your 2 messages...that you left for my husband......did he neglect to tell you he was married or do you not care.....if you get up the courage to speak with me.....you can call me....Iam at @@@@'s.....house....and you know the no#

well of course.....I haven't received a phone call......in return.....
coward......

Iam so angry.....because all I really need is the truth.....and it drives me out of my mind....

I completly flipped out....threatened everything....under the sun....interigated...yelled....stood on my head.....Iam out of control.....
2 good things that did happen was....I went and filled my perscription I've had in my purse for months....an antidepressant....I'll take it tomorrow.....

My insurance agent called....and ....said they will not insure my automobile....unless.....My A....signs a waver stating he will not drive it.....
I could jump with joy....
Now we brush by each other.....snickering hateful.....words....to each other.......completly.....pathetic.....There is no intellegent....conherient conversation....with him....
Iam blocking him out.....until I settle down.....I think I'll leave for the weekend...Not sure where to go......that's always a problem...

Debbie

Hey Sally

I know you are frustrated. I can truly relate to things happening. I don't have the infidelity issues, at least not that I know of but I can relate with the anger. I think its a good thing he is in a jail cell right now because I think I would kill him if he was here.

I just keep having the faith that even though things did get worse or seemed to get worse, they can only get get better but they are only going to get better if I help things to get better.

So bottom line, look out for you, take care of you. You are number one!!

Hugs,
Debbie

osier59

Sally,

Sorry for the things you are going thru. Try to focus on YOU and find something nice to do for yourself. Its important to take good care of YOU right now. There isnt much you can do for the A in your life... he's gonna do what he's gonna do. It sounds like you have been doing well with your program . It's about progress and not perfection. So tomorrow is another day and you can begin your journey to serenity once again!

HUGS to you
O59

Sally

Hello once again thank you for your posts......

Iam still angry......it's funny how....in the morning things are clearer.
I looked at my daughter and I thought....oh my god.......she's only five years old....a patetic sadness waved over me.....I haven't been able to enjoy her...what have I done to her already....being in this enviroment....

I realized how crazy our world is...and again I feel such shame....both her parents are sick.....
I need to get better.....
I also read some of the sticky posts.....I identified with alot of them....the first step to correcting a problem is identifing it....
I need to get better.....

Live

Hi, Sally,

Your post sounds like a flashback for me, been there!

I have done those kinds of things, more than once I must admit, and then I think it bothered me worse than anybody...and then they get to talk about how crazy I am!?!?!?!?!?!

Good for you reading the stickies and getting your scrip filled, it does take time (too long!!!) for those kinds of meds to work.

I just got back on mine awhile back and it takes like 6 wks! So be prepared for that, okay?

Best wishes to you and a big hug!

live

liddy

(((((sally)))))
ohhh, a great big hug to you.
I know how it feels when you feel nuts!
but, you did it, its out and over and a new day dawns.
Treat yourself in gentleness as you would a wounded
friend....gentle.. . no major decisions...play relaxing music,
a drive to the park with your daughter....some peaceful
activity....the serenity prayer.
You are getting better, you are on the road to your own
recovery, softly, gently, there is no hurry. small steps...

in love
liddy

Sally

thank you for your replies.....A new day has dawned....sat....Iam feeling tired, exhausted, depressed,.
I talked to my superviser at work and told her I was taking a leave at the end of May.......

I need a rest......

I just want to put all this behind me, and move on.
When I left my husband, it caused a major scandal in my community.....
alot of people are angry.....or.....have lost respect for me.....
I feel like a freak just walking into the local store....things have a way of snowballing...and I've been labled.

It was very important to me to be respected....and now I feel as if I've been totaly trashed...and Iam not sure how to regain my dignity...

do I owe anyone an explanation, I don't think I need to explain myself.......they don't know me...
They have decided to judge me on hereSay.....
My personal life is really no-ones bussiness.
but of course when I left the house....it became noticed....

I read a post that said......in recovery we learn to sit back and watch the parade.......instead of being in the parade.....
that's what I want....
I want out of the dam Parade....:o

Live

Sally,

Again, I know the feeling!

I knew I was labelled and looked at funny....I have never figured out what the label was. I know I sure did feel humiliated.

It was his territory...and they were never going to trust me or know me.

You KNOW the truth though and God knows the truth. And all we can do is trust that...and refuse to be intimidated by their reacions.

In my case, it was most efficient just to get out of the whole playing field.....to be out of the game-parade.

I know you have children, and financial and transportation constraints.

The misery of the situation and my determination to not let it run me and ruin me and to get out of outside control....the anger and frustation gave me the motive to build a plan one day at a time to be self-sufficient and get the things I needed to be able to do that. While with him, I built the steps to my independence. A car. A job. I arranged my "outs".....CAREFULLY.
Try to first build your options so that you have more choices!

Said with care and concern,

live

matters

Hi Sally,


Hold your head up HIGH!! You are not the one that needs to feel any shame. Take care of YOU and don't worry about what other people think.

Hugs and prayers to you,
matters

Sally

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL

I have learned to have a deeper appreciation for women and especialy MOThers......

Women are the srongest people......we really ought to be proud of the roles that are placed on us....and we still manage to thrive..succeed, and succumb....the most difficult of circumstances..Being a Mother is the Hardest job on Earth

THanks livewyred.....I can relate to your reply when you said expand your options, that I did also.......I went back to school, got a job, when I didn't think it was possible and also a car of my own.....I thought I was ready, strong enough, to leave and I did....but I wasn't ready, I fell into an incredible depression.
and caused so such heartache and stress for myself....I lost so much.....I didn't stay away long enough and Iam sure I would have gotten on my feet.But there was something that didn't feel right about my decision.
It felt wrong....In my heart..in my soul...it didn't feel right.
I need to do more work on myself, find myself again....take care of my children...put my family back together...

One day at a time....one step at a time.....I'll make my journey....I need to do whats in my heart and soul....and have faith that I will end up in the right destination....
I need to re-group, re-coup and get back on the right path...Of peace, and serenity....I guess when I find respect in myself and the decisions I make...Other people will too.....

again thank you and Happy mothers Day

osier59

Sally,

I have experience with a similar situation. We were living one of those "double lives".... pillars of the community, living the model life with an enviously happy marriage, and it was pretty much HELL behind those closed doors. When I got the strength to take care of myself, set boundaries and ultimately to leave the marriage, there were many people who chose sides. I decided to carry myself with dignity and grace, regardless of what was said. I didnt get into discussions of the dirty details of our private life. I didnt rise up to defend myself or my actions. I tried to not involve myself in those types of conversations, and I sometimes had to walk away or tell people that our private life was really not their business.

In the short term, I lost some "friends" who decided to listen to my ex husband's side of the sordid tale. In the long run, I KEPT my dignity and realized that many people didn't talk about us for too long. We were only titillating until the dust settled and the next scandal came along. Time has passed, and I am happy with my decisions. Many people have told me that they respect the way I walked thru it.

Take care of you, keep reading, and keep the faith. "IT" doesn't necessarily get better, but you will get better IN "it"

HUGS
O59

Sally

I call it the fall from grace......we had an envious life also.....we had the house, money..ext.....only we were pretty much a mystery. we didn't much socailize, just lived pretty quite lives....until it all exploded......and I wish I could say that I handled it gracefully but I didn't . He slandered me.....terribly and I slanderd him....he was so good at acting....lying, putting up a front to fool everyone....I wanted everyone to know the truth....
Only of course this makes the situation even more odd and crazy when you go back......

I needed help.......I went to agencies ext.....court system, councellors......doctors.....I was searching for a solution...I was so tired of the chaous.....and mentaly I'd had all I could take.....

I know that there is somekind of unhealthy tie....that binds me to this relationship......That's what I need to work on....In the mean time.....I look like a complette, pathetic, looser.....who keeps going back into an unhealthy situation....

Or else I just took of for the hell of it....Iam just a tramp.....poor husband.....She just wants the money...
well there is no money.....thats part of the reason Iam back.....and Iam not the one having all the extra marital affairs....he is......

I'm just the wife who can't find the guts strength to do better for herself.....I've degraded myself....by leaving.....and also returning.

people that pass judgement are lucky enough to stand in a postion to be able to judge....What comes around goes around...

I admire the way you handled things.....wish I had done the same..but I didn;t I was so hurt torn and humiliated....and depressed......I felt like a gutted fish walking around.....with all my insides hanging out for the world to see.....

I fell from Grace........and so many people enjoyed to watch the fall.......but when your down....there's no where else to go but back up....so here I go.....with blinders on....I'll block all the negative people and keep moving forward in my journey....

Live

Sally,

Big hugs!!!

Did you start on the anti-depressants?

Please don't be so hard on yourself! The statistics are that a woman leaves an average of 13 times before she decides to stay gone for good. And some decide to stay. There are so many considerations we weigh! This is not easy!
And it is true that trauma can form even stronger bonds...a phenomenon which I do not pretend to understand but that I have experienced.
Our society does hold the woman responsible for "keeping the family together, standing by our man"...this is ingrained in us and reinforced all over the place. It is inappropriate and unfair, nevertheless, it IS.

You, however, know the truth of your situation and your experience; you are the one who lives it and the one who lives with your choices, therefore other people's gossip has no place in dictating your life....and your future.

I hope you find some in-person support there....whether it be an anon group or a counselor you trust. It is only natural that you would mourn the loss of your hopes or dreams if you left, the loss of your home, etc, changes like that involve many losses, any change is a giving up of THIS in order to have THAT. And sometimes the THAT is not yet formed...so we leave sometimes in grief with only the thought to escape the pain...and there is a new and different pain. Grief often knocks us back to survival levels of "breathe, eat, sleep". This is a natural human process; it is NOT weakness. It is NOT failure.
Strength and healing do not occur in one fell swoop or overnight. It reminds me more of being swept in a tide, WHOOSH forward and tug back. Yet inexorably, we are brought ever closer to shore.

If I could encourage you towards anything it would be towards greater trust in yourself. You are stronger than you know. Strong enough to reach out and be honest here, strong enought to seek help and understanding, strong enough to have lived through great demands and difficulties, strong enough to know your truth.

I, neither, doubt your dignity or your pain at what has been thrust upon you.

Take care of yourself, friend. We are here.

osier59

Sally,

I re-read my last post and I'm not sure I like it. I did NOT mean to say that I was better at handling my situation than others might have been. What I intended to say was that people are very cruel and they take sides, whether or not you share personal information with them!

I have been in this situation twice. The first time I did not have a program or a support system. As my world crashed around me I solicited the help of just about anyone who would listen... hoping they would see how awful he was and how I was trying to do everything to keep our family together! The pain, desperation and isolation I felt were incredible.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope you find some peace in all of this.

O59

Rose56

((((((((((Sally))))))))))))
I am so sorry for your pain. I am praying for some lessening of your pain. I understand how you feel when you say that you feel weak, and a looser. I too am in a painful situation in my marriage and I sometimes feel like such a looser for choosing to remain in such a difficult situation. But Live is right, there are so many considerations that we weigh. These are things the world outside knows nothing about. I sometimes realize that I am learning so much from this experience, painful though it is. Also keep in mind that our society pushed the idea that pain can be avoided if you just do the right thing, believe the right thing, leave, stay, whatever. But it isn't true. When we look we see examples of it all around us. Some situations are painful and we just have to live though them and survive the best we can. I don't mean to suggest that you should stay with him or decide to go. I just wanted to affirm that just because a situation is difficult or painful doesn't mean that you can just get out of it, or drop it and be done with it. So no one is a looser, just because they choose to remain in a painful situation. We are not loosers, you and I, we are sensitive souls that are doing our very important life work here. We were meant to grow in this way, and we are doing a very fine job of it!!! Hang in there, keep breathing, we are moving forward.

Much love, Rose

Sally

your so right rosa...thank you very much....
pain cannot be avoided..

there is a saying ( there is no way around it....only through it) that is where the journey ends....but one journey always ends and another begins.....

we only have control of ourselves.....I say follow your heart and soul and listen to your higher power.....there are no wrong answers.....just answers.....


Iam learning.........


Yes I did start my antidepressant......felt it right away....it takes a while to work.....but I do think it's helping....

thanks all for being there for me.....I find it helpful just writing you and keeping in contact...thanks..all

Live

Hi, Sally,

I just wanted to let you know we do care. I wanted you to know that because I know how tough it is when you feel like you can't trust those around you.

Bestwishes,

live

Sally

Trust.....yes that's the hardest part of it all, is the mental toll that it takes on us sober ones,. like trying to find your destination with a brocken compass.

You can only take it day by day, I'll make a decision then I'll think oH crap....I trusted his word again....dammit...did i do the right thing for me.....

Iam on a sinking ship.....the waves are getting higher, although I do have a life preserver.....and a emergency boat if needed....I can alway's Bail....at the last minute...

jumping will alway's be at the back of my mind...I can't predict the waves, or storms...I can just enjoy the days sailed in the sunshine....and keep my self sheltered from the danger of the sea.

how's that for metaphores?

Hangin' In

Sally,

I'm sending a huge hug your way and just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

I read your post and a saying came to mind regarding all the humiliation you've been through. First, if he was the one running around, let HIM have the humiliation. I know it's hard when all that crappy talk starts. Someone told me a great saying when I was going through the worrying of what everyone was saying. And the saying was this:

What others think of me is none of my business!

To heck with them, Sally. Those of us here who know what you are going through and who understand and care.....well, we think you are one great gal.

Keep posting and gaining support here. We are all in this together.

Love,

Hangin' In

P.S. I thought it was worth repeating....
WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

Live

I understand what you say about the waves!

My counselor calls it shifting sands....you never know where you stand and it is always changing...so it is pretty damned hard to get your bearings and find direction....

and ya can't trust the guy that offers you a map and a compass....cause he is LOST!!!



When you look back and look at the tracks,do you wonder if you are circling for a landing????



Hope you have a good day!
Glad you started on the anti-depressant!

live