flwrchld

Can you be sick and tired of your AH, and still feel guilty, I feel so confused, my emotions seem to be going up and down like a roller coaster, at times I want to deny that ANYTHING is wrong at all, then I get so angry at him for being such a SCHMUCK, then I work myself to death just to stay away, then guilty for even thinking bad about him. After all we have been married 18 years, you think I would stand by him a little more. GEEZ! I am really tired of the roller coaster ride. Would like to find another ride. Am still questioning my sanity, Why do I stay, still lingers in my thoughts, then my 2 kids pop into mind, all the good things that have gone on pop in my mind, then my son pops into my mind telling me he can't wait to get outta here, and that he will try his hardest in life NOT to be like his Dad. I think that I really messed up by marrying this man, then I feel that I should fix it, and I know I can't, that is the frustrating part, I feel as if I am banging my head against brick wall. This hurts, and is driving me crazy. My mood swings are...well I will just say WOW! My husband blames them on my age, I am 41, I tend to blame them on him. He is a pain in the ASS!! Thank you for listening....again....

elizabeth1979

Flwrchld,
I realize this is not a humorous situyation to be in, but your post made me laugh.
I know that feeling!

[QUOTE][Would like to find another ride/QUOTE]
Yep, I know this one too.

This is not true. You can fix your life. You cant change or fix him but you can change and fix what you live around and tolerate.

Be careful working to death. Ive been there too. Still there, but its bc I am paying for the debt I got myself into when I was with my ex...at least Im paying for my life now

Pick-a-name

You mean there is something unusual about thinking (and thinking and feeling,and.....) like that?! UGH...like a mental-washing machine! (and when I get like that, I would be and sometime even am, smarter to just go do a load of wash!)

I'm sorry; I know very well the feelings you are talking about...it is exhausting. Coming here and shifting gears in other ways that are good for me is what I am trying to do more often and it (usually) helps. (In other words, may I suggest you do something you enjoy instead of just working more...you need a break and some fun sometime. It HELPS,too!)

I think it is all a part of the process in our healing,etc.

Tazman53

flwrchld I am an alcoholic, my wife loved our children far more then me!

As a result she did what was the thing that any good parent would do which is to not force them to be exposed to a drunk as a father!

She found a way out from me and my drinking and let me know that in a month her and the kids were leaving me and my bottle all by our selfs, to use her words she said "I am not going to let you destroy our children by having a drunk as a father and let them watch you drink your self to death!"

I knew she meant business, she kicked her first AH out because he would not stop! I knew either I did something right then and there or I was going to lose them and wind up drinking myself to death.

Forget your self, put on your mother hat and save your children, you may accidently do like my wife did and save your husband as well, but forget him, show your love for your children.

Trust me there is no reason you can not save your children.

queenteree

flwr,
I think most of us living with active A's feel this way at times. I love my AH, yet when he is on a bender for over a week, I start feeling as you do and it continues for weeks until he is sober again. My husband has alcoholic liver disease and you don't even want to know the things I think in my head when he gets like that. But deep down, I love him, and he is a good man, so I try to come here, go to therapy and work on myself to get me thru those times. And since coming to SR, I have really gotten thru alot of them (so far, knock on wood). Keep reading and posting, we're all here for you.
QT

LGLG07

flwrchld I can completely relate ! my husband was just discharged ( I always go to say released , like he was in prison! ) from his 4th rehab in the past 11 months . We have 4 children , oldest is 10 . She asked me one morning at the school bus stop why I think God brought this into our lives again ? Why does daddy have to keep going away ?

It hit me like a ton of bricks falling from the sky . I looked her in the eye and told her I knew exactly why , because mommy wasnt getting it !

I needed to save my children and leave my husband to work out his own disease, whether he could or not was completely up to him. Nothing I did or didnt do was going to help him . Suddenly the burden was lifted and along with it , the guilt . I let my ah know as soon as I could talk to him that he was on his own this time . I refused to be a casualty of his disease (it might sound harsh but it was exactly how I felt , I love him but I would die for my kids and if its from a broken heart than so be it) My kids were already in counseling but I dont think I was as involved as I should of been , I thought , 'they talk to the counselor so I'll just leave them alone' . I quickly realized they needed me too . I bought them books, the best was Dear Kids of Alcoholics, by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn . After we read it my six year old son , who hasnt spoken much to me about this fathers disease, completely opened up to me and told me things that I never knew (how daddy always always always bought that short skinny bottle with the water looking stuff in it every time they went fishing together) He said it like he was soooo proud of himself because he was able to recognize that it was wrong .

I cannot tell you the strength I have gotten from this site , from my many books , and from my children . I do support my ah in his recovery (he is living with his mom about 1 1/2 hrs from us) he will always be the father of our children and I want more than anything for them to have a great relationship with him . We decided not to even discuss our relationship until he has at least 6 months sobriety and even then there will be no promises . Its one day at a time .

I hope you feel that same relief of the burden being lifted and dont let the guilt we so often feel hold you back , its a false emotion !

(())s and lots of prayers !
M

Tazman53

LGLG07 you, your kids and your AH will be in my prayers, I know you already know it, but I would just like to say you are doing the best thing for your kids first, you second, and for him.

denny57

I stood by for 18 years, too, and then realized I could fix it. I could fix ME. I just assumed it was my job to fix him, too. A marriage is a union between two adults, not a mother and child. I did not have children with AH, but I've heard it here and in many of my Al-Anon meetings, the scars that remain for the actual children in the situation go deep and last long.

((()))

Pick-a-name

Thanks for the reminder. I know I did the right thing,just somedays it doesn't necessarily "feel" that way. That's usually part of my distorted thinking that is still showing through in those times. They are usually my best reminders (they are older now) and tell me to "ignore dad...he's not right". Sad, but true.

flwrchld

I feel like I am the one who is miserable, when it should be him that is miserable, he is the one who is causing all this. I guess life is not fair, huh?

elizabeth1979

Its possible that the both of you are miserable.
Thats no way to live!

flwrchld

That is probable true " Elizabeth1979", I can make a person very miserable when I am upset about something, (usually him, and usually his drinking and drugging). He makes me sick to my stomach on some days (like today). I am usually a perky, happy person, who likes fun, people, life in general. But for the past few years I have emerged into this grumpy, never smiling, quiet, homebody who just goes to work and goes home. No fun, not involved in anything anymore. I need to change and go back to my old self. I feel as if my spirit has been broken. . . . I am really pretty depressing if you really listen to me, I am more and more negative........

queenteree

flwrchild,
You sound like I was a year ago, before therapy and coming to SR. I have always made the best of everything that came my way in life (and trust me, there have been many bad times, especially with my first husband), always managed to be happy for what I had and put a smile on my face. Last year, I felt like my world was crashing down, I went to work, got thru the day, came home, did nothing. I would wake up every morning crying, this went on for months. I think it was then that I hit my bottom and got therapy and came here. And actually SR helped me more than therapy. It will get better, I guarantee you that. You have to work on you and take care of you, and the rest will actually fall into place. Just remember, you have all of us here to help you.
QT

denny57

The good thing about being the miserable one is I can change me. Every day I open my eyes and have a choice. It's really that simple (not to be confused with easy).

((()))

flwrchld

I know it will get better with help from myself, I just have to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get going in a positive direction. This is just one of my down days. I am negative about everything. This will soon pass, but my despising my husband, I can't seem to get passed that, he just seems so caught up in himself, that he really doesn't think my being upset with him is logical. Like I am looking for reasons to be mad at him. I don't have to look very far with him. He usually shoves it right in my face, almost daily. Thats a big part of that roller coaster ride I hate so much. Geez! I feel like such a whiner. . . .

denny57

BTDT there flwrchld. For me it's about looking at things differently. Trying new approaches. New ways of thinking. As an example, I'd look at your last post (putting myself in your place). It starts out saying I know I need to do for myself, then turns into what HE thinks, what HE does. Today I would say WHO CARES WHAT HE DOES (or she, or it, whatever). What do I need to get on with my life? And then I do my best to just do it. It takes practice.

I believe I'm allowed to have my whiner days. But I don't give myself permission to stay in them for very long.

((()))

flwrchld

That is very hard to do Denny57, but I am trying to let go, its not just a daily thing its more like hourly, or even minute by minute, but I am trying to do for myself and my kids, it is just hard, I have consumed my whole point of being with him for a very long time. It is kinda like starting to work out after you haven't done a sit up in years, it will take a while (and a lot of pain) to work up to a full fledge workout. I know what is right, and probably what to do deep inside, it is just a matter of believing in me enough to accomplish that. Then maybe, just maybe I can get off this "frickin" roller coaster ride, and find something else, for me, to do.

dollydo

Does the pain of living with him far outweigh the happiness? If so, it's time to get real,face the truth head on.

He drinks, he drugs, he hangs out with kids...what's wrong with this picture? Alot.

When one loses their idenity to another and focuses only on the other person, not themselves, not their children, then there is a real deep rooted problem.

Have you considered therapy? Are you going to meetings? What are you doing for you and your children?

You want off the rollercoaster? Do something, anything.

No it is not easy, nothing worth having in life is. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and, months into years...and poof they are gone, forever, no turning back.

I really hope you will start doing something positive for you and your children. It is the only answer to peace and true happiness.

Sunflower

((((hugs))))))

denny57

flwrchld, what do you think would help you in that final push? What is one positive (baby) step you could take today or tomorrow to help you start feeling better about yourself? It doesn't just happen - believe me I tried that for a long time. Your analogy to sit-ups is a good one - can you do just one sit-up today?

((()))s to you.