Haven't let go as much as I thought
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
You guys are cracking me up....
ICU..if you really look at your reaction...you still
feel "unavailable".....I bet.....
Also...when I went through this...men would compliment me..
one chased me down in a BIG white Ford truck and asked for my
phone numberr if I wasn't married.
Iwas shocked...any time this happened...must be my spakly blue eyes.
What it was...I didn't "feel" pretty or attractive in any way
because I had been dumped. The only man I wanted had
moved on.
Today...I do see the beauty ...much more..the beauty inside.
I have gained some weight this year in recovery...but still
get those "hits".
People say I "glow".
My best to you....
Love,
Sherry
(girl, next time take those "hits" as compliments!!!!)
ICU..if you really look at your reaction...you still
feel "unavailable".....I bet.....
Also...when I went through this...men would compliment me..
one chased me down in a BIG white Ford truck and asked for my
phone numberr if I wasn't married.
Iwas shocked...any time this happened...must be my spakly blue eyes.
What it was...I didn't "feel" pretty or attractive in any way
because I had been dumped. The only man I wanted had
moved on.
Today...I do see the beauty ...much more..the beauty inside.
I have gained some weight this year in recovery...but still
get those "hits".
People say I "glow".
My best to you....
Love,
Sherry
(girl, next time take those "hits" as compliments!!!!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Am I the only one who thinks the whole situation is CREEPY? Its not like he struck up a meaningful conversation. He came right out and asked for her phone number! SCAREY in my mind.
Anyway, I think the reason you still love your A is BECAUSE there really wasn't any closure. It's like the man you loved just vanished one day and you are awaiting his return. You know the disease took him and you know there MAY be just a teeny tiny bit of hope that he will recover and come back to you and all will be well again. I have that same hope for my A. I know its doubtful and highly unlikely but because there was never any type of "real" closure with the man I loved my heart gets confused. Hang on and wait? Move on and hope to find love? Of course I want to move on but every time I try to go out I feel like I am cheating too. I still love him. I pray for his recovery. I hope he finds his way home. But until then life goes on...with or without me.
Anyway, I think the reason you still love your A is BECAUSE there really wasn't any closure. It's like the man you loved just vanished one day and you are awaiting his return. You know the disease took him and you know there MAY be just a teeny tiny bit of hope that he will recover and come back to you and all will be well again. I have that same hope for my A. I know its doubtful and highly unlikely but because there was never any type of "real" closure with the man I loved my heart gets confused. Hang on and wait? Move on and hope to find love? Of course I want to move on but every time I try to go out I feel like I am cheating too. I still love him. I pray for his recovery. I hope he finds his way home. But until then life goes on...with or without me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
My 2 cents worth is that 'romantic' love that never dies is codependency.
I think those fairy tales they tell us as little girls are conditioning us to stick by our man no matter how bad he is. Very convenient for the men, very dangerous for us.
I am learning that men who approach total strangers who are recovering from an alcoholic relationship, are alkies themselves attracted to that codie magnetism.
I am learning myself to pick out the alkies and codies and ACOAs around me. It's easy once you get the hang of it.
I believe that this man coming on to you at this time is a message from the universe to get over it already and move on.
I loved my AH deeply and unconditionally and with every intention of making it last for the rest of our lives. That love died when I realized he loved nothing but the bottle, and that he was lying to me about loving me. Healthy love lets go when it's being used like that. I am SO single now! I don't even check the 'Divorced' box on forms - MYOB! I'm not married so I'm single!
I see him now, and he's no more than a friendly acquaintance I used to be in love with and used to be married to. People ask me how he is, and I shrug - 'I dunno!' I know they want to know if he's drinking or in jail or what and I just don't know. Well I know he's not in jail but beyond that - don't know or care.
No, you can't stop yourself from feeling what you feel and be healthy. Not feeling your feelings is a bad thing and it's what codies do a lot. You might want to examine why it is that you still feel like you love this man, and why you were attracted to someone that turned out to be a violent alcoholic. Working the steps of Al Anon basically. You might find that as you do that you realize that you don't really love him that way anymore. You don't have to hate him or be totally indifferent but it's not healthy to continue to love someone like that.
The widow analogy does not quite fit in this situation. Yes, in the way that your relationship has died. No, in that what killed it is the discovery that your ex is not the person you thought he was, not that he died. Your ex is who he is, not who you thought or hoped or wished he was, but it's that person who doesn't actually exist that you're in love with.
I think those fairy tales they tell us as little girls are conditioning us to stick by our man no matter how bad he is. Very convenient for the men, very dangerous for us.
I am learning that men who approach total strangers who are recovering from an alcoholic relationship, are alkies themselves attracted to that codie magnetism.
I am learning myself to pick out the alkies and codies and ACOAs around me. It's easy once you get the hang of it.
I believe that this man coming on to you at this time is a message from the universe to get over it already and move on.
I loved my AH deeply and unconditionally and with every intention of making it last for the rest of our lives. That love died when I realized he loved nothing but the bottle, and that he was lying to me about loving me. Healthy love lets go when it's being used like that. I am SO single now! I don't even check the 'Divorced' box on forms - MYOB! I'm not married so I'm single!
I see him now, and he's no more than a friendly acquaintance I used to be in love with and used to be married to. People ask me how he is, and I shrug - 'I dunno!' I know they want to know if he's drinking or in jail or what and I just don't know. Well I know he's not in jail but beyond that - don't know or care.
No, you can't stop yourself from feeling what you feel and be healthy. Not feeling your feelings is a bad thing and it's what codies do a lot. You might want to examine why it is that you still feel like you love this man, and why you were attracted to someone that turned out to be a violent alcoholic. Working the steps of Al Anon basically. You might find that as you do that you realize that you don't really love him that way anymore. You don't have to hate him or be totally indifferent but it's not healthy to continue to love someone like that.
The widow analogy does not quite fit in this situation. Yes, in the way that your relationship has died. No, in that what killed it is the discovery that your ex is not the person you thought he was, not that he died. Your ex is who he is, not who you thought or hoped or wished he was, but it's that person who doesn't actually exist that you're in love with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i'm sorry, i was the one that brought up the widow analogy, so let me try to explain one more time!
at least in my situation, and i think that of others, it's a way to explain that someone truly "died," not just the relationship. my A was sober for a long time while we were together, and that person no longer exists now. i feel like i've mourned the death of someone - i know we often compare it to that on this forum - so that's why i used the widow analogy. my feelings for the person that once existed, but has now died, haven't changed. however, i don't have the same feelings for who she's become. . . i hope that helps clarify somewhat!
at least in my situation, and i think that of others, it's a way to explain that someone truly "died," not just the relationship. my A was sober for a long time while we were together, and that person no longer exists now. i feel like i've mourned the death of someone - i know we often compare it to that on this forum - so that's why i used the widow analogy. my feelings for the person that once existed, but has now died, haven't changed. however, i don't have the same feelings for who she's become. . . i hope that helps clarify somewhat!
rabye
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 66
Time, sweetheart is what heals the pain. take care of number one first and thats you!!!!
Letting go of a loved one is hard, so dont try just let it go naturally, cry when you feel like it and remember him when u want, dont try and block him, nothing wrong with feeling and loving. its wonderful.
Letting go of a loved one is hard, so dont try just let it go naturally, cry when you feel like it and remember him when u want, dont try and block him, nothing wrong with feeling and loving. its wonderful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by mushroom 
I am learning that men who approach total strangers who are recovering from an alcoholic relationship, are alkies themselves attracted to that codie magnetism.
Originally Posted by mushroom
I am learning myself to pick out the alkies and codies and ACOAs around me. It's easy once you get the hang of it.
Originally Posted by mushroom
You might want to examine why it is that you still feel like you love this man, and why you were attracted to someone that turned out to be a violent alcoholic.
In the beginning, I see some traits within him that I had ignored...moving in too quickly, getting so close too soon, etc. But nothing violent tripped the trigger. That didn't begin until much later.
To the others who raised concern about this guy being creepy...'yeah' I totally agree. That's why I only lowered my window just enough to hear him. There was no way he could have reached into the car.
I didn't get much sleep last night as I tossed and turned. I'm more confused now than I was when I first posted this yesterday. One thing I have learned is that I can't push for the answers...I'll have to let them come to me. But I do feel that I'm on the verge of a breakthrough with this...I can just 'feel it'!
Thanks for all your helpful insights. And thanks to all those that contributed to the comedy relief....it helped to laugh outloud.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
If nothing else it is such a turn off for a man to approach a woman that way.
Yeah right pal, here's my number.......
I just got an email warning too, there is a scam going on that women need to be careful of.
You get in your car and go to back up and notice a flyer placed on you rear window. This blocks your view so you jump out to remove it. Car running with your pocketbook in the seat. Someone waits to jump in and steal your car and pocketbook. If you were jsut jumping out to remove a flyer, you wouldn't turn your car off or even close your door, you certainly wouldn't grab our pocketbook just to jump out for a second.
I am in the middle of my own little investigation at the moment.
A man who served 8 years hard time for rape and sodomy has moved to the skirts of town and he handsome and smooth. He isn't registered as a sex offender. He always has money and never works. I'm making that my buisness.
Yeah right pal, here's my number.......
I just got an email warning too, there is a scam going on that women need to be careful of.
You get in your car and go to back up and notice a flyer placed on you rear window. This blocks your view so you jump out to remove it. Car running with your pocketbook in the seat. Someone waits to jump in and steal your car and pocketbook. If you were jsut jumping out to remove a flyer, you wouldn't turn your car off or even close your door, you certainly wouldn't grab our pocketbook just to jump out for a second.
I am in the middle of my own little investigation at the moment.
A man who served 8 years hard time for rape and sodomy has moved to the skirts of town and he handsome and smooth. He isn't registered as a sex offender. He always has money and never works. I'm making that my buisness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
ICU
Please don't be too hard on yourself. We also have to keep in mind that creepy guys have been hitting on women since the beginning of time .. and as you already figured out, this was not a pleasant encounter you wanted to encourage in anyway.
I am also wondering if some of us are so guarded because our tumultuous experiences with alcoholics ... that never seem to resolve in a healthy way with good closure, ...that is makes it harder for us to move on and makes us less open to new relationships.
Right now the thought of being 'trapped' in another marriage scares me to death .... maybe that is why it is easier for the alcoholic to move on.. they were married to someone that was a true partner that supported them, someone they could count on, so why not jump right in and do it again .. we in turn were stuck. wide awake and alert and feeling every painful "bump" ... in a roller coaster ride of never ending chaos that we kept hoping would stop when the alcohol stopped flowing into the mouths of our significant others - that's all it would take - but we eventually learned was almost impossible to accomplish.
I am a widow ... but I also was mourning the 'death' of the man I married long before I physically lost my husband. I feel I haven't been in a marriage in many, many years ... In the end, I sadly felt more like I was just legally bound to a sickly self destructive relative because he was the father of my children. I just keep wondering how all those troubling years will impact any future relationships ... which is what you are wondering as well. All I know at this point is that it will not be easy to move on... we have survived unbalanced, unhealthy relationships ... clouding our ability to look at new relationships in positive way.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. We also have to keep in mind that creepy guys have been hitting on women since the beginning of time .. and as you already figured out, this was not a pleasant encounter you wanted to encourage in anyway.
I am also wondering if some of us are so guarded because our tumultuous experiences with alcoholics ... that never seem to resolve in a healthy way with good closure, ...that is makes it harder for us to move on and makes us less open to new relationships.
Right now the thought of being 'trapped' in another marriage scares me to death .... maybe that is why it is easier for the alcoholic to move on.. they were married to someone that was a true partner that supported them, someone they could count on, so why not jump right in and do it again .. we in turn were stuck. wide awake and alert and feeling every painful "bump" ... in a roller coaster ride of never ending chaos that we kept hoping would stop when the alcohol stopped flowing into the mouths of our significant others - that's all it would take - but we eventually learned was almost impossible to accomplish.
I am a widow ... but I also was mourning the 'death' of the man I married long before I physically lost my husband. I feel I haven't been in a marriage in many, many years ... In the end, I sadly felt more like I was just legally bound to a sickly self destructive relative because he was the father of my children. I just keep wondering how all those troubling years will impact any future relationships ... which is what you are wondering as well. All I know at this point is that it will not be easy to move on... we have survived unbalanced, unhealthy relationships ... clouding our ability to look at new relationships in positive way.
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