I want to quit
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
my friend....you are so loved by those of us here that know you. and even by the ones that don't know you because we all have felt the same thing.
check in with us, ok?
it took me two years of the most intense pain i ever felt before i could take tiny baby steps out of the misery. this will pass, sweety.
i've said it before....you are smart, intelligent, witty, wonderful....and we love you. hang on. even if your knuckles are white.
love ya sweety
jeri
check in with us, ok?
it took me two years of the most intense pain i ever felt before i could take tiny baby steps out of the misery. this will pass, sweety.
i've said it before....you are smart, intelligent, witty, wonderful....and we love you. hang on. even if your knuckles are white.
love ya sweety
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
*******************Im So Sorry**********************
Hi everyone
Man, when I posted this thread, I was in such pain, and I feel deep into the spiral of despair that I forgot all about coming back to read your replies. I got an email from a dear friend from SR asking if I was ok and to come and check in. I just came right here to post and have not had a chance to even read your replies, but will do so now.
The situation with my former husband stealing our son's college fund has sent me into a bottom spin like I have never known. I feel like I have been swimming in a pool of vomit. Dirty, filthy, ugly. And I really have a responsibility in that.It was ME who keeps trying to control his paying back my son, and ME who wants to know the details of what he did and where it went. ME ME ME....just couldnt let go...and it hurt, real bad.
Yesterday, we participated in such an ugly war of words, it made me feel so uucckky. Finally, I realized I need to surrender and let go. I just cant force solutions , make him change any faster than what he is capable of and still maintain my own sanity. Cant be done.Cant fight alcoholism...and yet I still try. Thats what my disease does to me. Im like a pit bull dog who clamps down on his leg, not realizing that yes, the bite hurts him, but the clamping has nearly frozen my jaw and almost paralyses ME. I get hurt when I retaliate my pain back onto him.
So, for today, Ive let go..no calls, no emails, nothing. My boy went on a field trip at 5am to play music with his school band. So this codie is alone for the next 4 days to find some peace and serenity. I feel like I need a babysitter instead. I felt so sad and lonely when my son left this morning. We are so close and attached.
I just need to let farkin; go already and cling onto God. God likes codies, I believe.
Thanks all for being here and for caring so much about me!!!!
Hi everyone
Man, when I posted this thread, I was in such pain, and I feel deep into the spiral of despair that I forgot all about coming back to read your replies. I got an email from a dear friend from SR asking if I was ok and to come and check in. I just came right here to post and have not had a chance to even read your replies, but will do so now.
The situation with my former husband stealing our son's college fund has sent me into a bottom spin like I have never known. I feel like I have been swimming in a pool of vomit. Dirty, filthy, ugly. And I really have a responsibility in that.It was ME who keeps trying to control his paying back my son, and ME who wants to know the details of what he did and where it went. ME ME ME....just couldnt let go...and it hurt, real bad.
Yesterday, we participated in such an ugly war of words, it made me feel so uucckky. Finally, I realized I need to surrender and let go. I just cant force solutions , make him change any faster than what he is capable of and still maintain my own sanity. Cant be done.Cant fight alcoholism...and yet I still try. Thats what my disease does to me. Im like a pit bull dog who clamps down on his leg, not realizing that yes, the bite hurts him, but the clamping has nearly frozen my jaw and almost paralyses ME. I get hurt when I retaliate my pain back onto him.
So, for today, Ive let go..no calls, no emails, nothing. My boy went on a field trip at 5am to play music with his school band. So this codie is alone for the next 4 days to find some peace and serenity. I feel like I need a babysitter instead. I felt so sad and lonely when my son left this morning. We are so close and attached.
I just need to let farkin; go already and cling onto God. God likes codies, I believe.
Thanks all for being here and for caring so much about me!!!!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
God loves codies! And we love you too! Grab a book and some bubble bath and place a few candles around that tub (Do not burn your panties) and RELAX sweetness! Enjoy the peace................it is a wonderful thing!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
BGP,
Thanks for checking in, I think you have been on all of our minds and in all of our thoughts and prayers these past few days. There's a whole community of codies that loves you.
I am so sorry for all of your pain. Be gentle with yourself. You need time to heal. Try to find some peace in this alone time.
Love,
--K
Thanks for checking in, I think you have been on all of our minds and in all of our thoughts and prayers these past few days. There's a whole community of codies that loves you.
I am so sorry for all of your pain. Be gentle with yourself. You need time to heal. Try to find some peace in this alone time.
Love,
--K
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hey bgp.....hon, i understand how it feels....when you get to feeling this way, i am so relieved that you reach out instead of isolating and thinking.
you are so smart about why you feel the way you feel....your recovery has taught you that......just keep on hanging on to your hp.....and to us.
'wanting to control' about killed my soul....made me very, very, sick.
i still take a trip back there once in a while....and i hurry back as quickly as i went to visit. i hate it there.
i pray you are able to let this go, continue on with your path, and reclaim your own power and serenity.
you do not have to swim in that pool of vomit.....don't make that choice. give yourself a nice, clean, sparkling pool. leave him in your dust.
there are other ways for you son to go to college. the money is probably as gone as it can get. grab a pair of imaginary scissors and cut that ugly tie to your ex from your heart. and forge a future with your son.....without the anticipation of any sort of help from the ex.
the above advice is the only thing that worked for me.......i can remember laying in bed just tossing and the hatred was like a huge poison ball right in the middle of my chest. my mind would not shut off.....all i could think of was "the mess he had created. i plotted his death, his suffering, his repentance, i made imaginary speechs on a stage with the world watching via satellite on every network available.......i just knew no one would ever hold me accountable if i just ended his life....after all, when they heard my story, they would surely understand.
lordy......i used to toss and turn with this all the time.....no good sleep for months and months.
i had to let it go. life is so good now. peace and serenity abound. i have replaced the hatred and anger with excitement with planning my own future and making my own goals.
sorry this is so long sweety......i love you, my cyber friend.....don't let this kick your a$$.....
jeri
you are so smart about why you feel the way you feel....your recovery has taught you that......just keep on hanging on to your hp.....and to us.
'wanting to control' about killed my soul....made me very, very, sick.
i still take a trip back there once in a while....and i hurry back as quickly as i went to visit. i hate it there.
i pray you are able to let this go, continue on with your path, and reclaim your own power and serenity.
you do not have to swim in that pool of vomit.....don't make that choice. give yourself a nice, clean, sparkling pool. leave him in your dust.
there are other ways for you son to go to college. the money is probably as gone as it can get. grab a pair of imaginary scissors and cut that ugly tie to your ex from your heart. and forge a future with your son.....without the anticipation of any sort of help from the ex.
the above advice is the only thing that worked for me.......i can remember laying in bed just tossing and the hatred was like a huge poison ball right in the middle of my chest. my mind would not shut off.....all i could think of was "the mess he had created. i plotted his death, his suffering, his repentance, i made imaginary speechs on a stage with the world watching via satellite on every network available.......i just knew no one would ever hold me accountable if i just ended his life....after all, when they heard my story, they would surely understand.
lordy......i used to toss and turn with this all the time.....no good sleep for months and months.
i had to let it go. life is so good now. peace and serenity abound. i have replaced the hatred and anger with excitement with planning my own future and making my own goals.
sorry this is so long sweety......i love you, my cyber friend.....don't let this kick your a$$.....
jeri
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
What has become more and more apparent in my recovery is how completely contagious alcoholism is...the sickness spreads to everyone in close proximity. Big Girl...it sounds like you have reached your bottom. And that's a really terrific place. You have found surrender. It is no easy walk from here...but believe me, it will be so much more peaceful. At bottom, we start sifting thru the wreckage...and the magic truly begins.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
(((BGP)))
You are on your way to better days.
Enjoy your time alone and take such good care of yourself that when your son gets back he will say "Where's my mom and what have YOU done with her?" lol
hugs,
cmc
You are on your way to better days.
Enjoy your time alone and take such good care of yourself that when your son gets back he will say "Where's my mom and what have YOU done with her?" lol
hugs,
cmc
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by Rella927 
God loves codies! And we love you too! Grab a book and some bubble bath and place a few candles around that tub (Do not burn your panties) and RELAX sweetness! Enjoy the peace................it is a wonderful thing!
Much love, Cheryl
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
LOL..chocolate! The cure to everything that ails ya!
I had some tonight that I melted on a crossaint....and it was yummy.
Thanks everyone, AGAIN, for being there and saying all the right stuff. I had a stable day (when asked tonight at my meeting how I was doing, I replied "The patient is stable"). No contact, no nothing.
In thinking aobut a bottom, I am reminded that every bottom has a trap door somewhere. I need to remember that so I dont fall thru it. I firmly believe, when in right thinking, that God is NOT my enemy and IS working behind the scenes doing things just the way they are supposed to be.
Need to remember that....need a new "remember-er". Think they got one on sale at K-Mart?
I had some tonight that I melted on a crossaint....and it was yummy.
Thanks everyone, AGAIN, for being there and saying all the right stuff. I had a stable day (when asked tonight at my meeting how I was doing, I replied "The patient is stable"). No contact, no nothing.
In thinking aobut a bottom, I am reminded that every bottom has a trap door somewhere. I need to remember that so I dont fall thru it. I firmly believe, when in right thinking, that God is NOT my enemy and IS working behind the scenes doing things just the way they are supposed to be.
Need to remember that....need a new "remember-er". Think they got one on sale at K-Mart?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
SO.....the next part of my story....
the ex added my name to a special health savings account, and said I could have the balance ($1600) in it after the $1100 was removed to pay for his co pay in treatment. He even went so far as to give me a debit card to it, or ordered them to send me one.
The next day, after I requested a check be sent to me from it, he cancelled it and the debit card, and in the last 3 days has sucked out $900 for himself. His threapist told me a few days earlier, after I told him I thought he'd steal that money if I didnt take it out ASAP, therapist said "No, I dont think he will do it, I think he will leave it there for you".
Needless to say, I am perplxed at how a professional addiction therapist could not read that this man is a vicious, sick addict.
I cant tell yo how badly I reacted to this....totaly insanity beyound belief, Eventually, I am accepting the depths of his intense and debilitating illness and have let go. Today is a smooth day. He called many times, I never answered. I want peace. Peace, peace and more peace.
the ex added my name to a special health savings account, and said I could have the balance ($1600) in it after the $1100 was removed to pay for his co pay in treatment. He even went so far as to give me a debit card to it, or ordered them to send me one.
The next day, after I requested a check be sent to me from it, he cancelled it and the debit card, and in the last 3 days has sucked out $900 for himself. His threapist told me a few days earlier, after I told him I thought he'd steal that money if I didnt take it out ASAP, therapist said "No, I dont think he will do it, I think he will leave it there for you".
Needless to say, I am perplxed at how a professional addiction therapist could not read that this man is a vicious, sick addict.
I cant tell yo how badly I reacted to this....totaly insanity beyound belief, Eventually, I am accepting the depths of his intense and debilitating illness and have let go. Today is a smooth day. He called many times, I never answered. I want peace. Peace, peace and more peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
bgp, how terrible! i can't even imagine the hurt and anger you must be feeling right now.
tomorrow will be easier... and the next day will be easier... and so on
all you have to do is remember to breathe... everything will unfold as it's supposed to. i'm thinking of you often.
tomorrow will be easier... and the next day will be easier... and so on
all you have to do is remember to breathe... everything will unfold as it's supposed to. i'm thinking of you often.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Man oh Man that guy is one hugh pile of doggie do.
The therapist is obviously not qualified to treat addicts. He manipulated him/her too...sounds like that therapist should move to a different speciality.
Is the therapist going to send you a check for the $900? Yah right!
The therapist is obviously not qualified to treat addicts. He manipulated him/her too...sounds like that therapist should move to a different speciality.
Is the therapist going to send you a check for the $900? Yah right!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
in a way--sad but true--he showed you his true colors once more.At least now you are not answering the phone anymore.He has an illness you cannot cure.Now you see he even takes money from you-knowing you need it-lied right in your face didn't he? That kindof shakes you the first time it happens I know it does..but sometimes it takes that to move on for yourself.
My heart goes out to you for all the pain an betrayal he has dumped on you...just keep moving forward....stay strong....
My heart goes out to you for all the pain an betrayal he has dumped on you...just keep moving forward....stay strong....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
some prince charming, huh?
it's the twisted thinking of the alcoholic making him do these things.
my x did similiar things to me, too.
i quit believeing anything, then i wouldn't be dissappointed any more.
quack quack quack......
my x ruined me financially and tried to make it up by the dumbest things you could imagine....and he always yanked the rug right out from underneath me.
i finally just ate the loss, and folded.
jerk.
it's the twisted thinking of the alcoholic making him do these things.
my x did similiar things to me, too.
i quit believeing anything, then i wouldn't be dissappointed any more.
quack quack quack......
my x ruined me financially and tried to make it up by the dumbest things you could imagine....and he always yanked the rug right out from underneath me.
i finally just ate the loss, and folded.
jerk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
Qack quack quack is right....
oh, and you should see the email he sent me AND copied it to the therapist. Boy....what an email...took my inventory like a pro...told all my naughty behavior, like as if saying to the therapist "She what SHE is doing worng". I didnt reply to it cus it speaks volumes to his maturity and Im sure the therapist will see that. Im done...I feel so exhausted. Im in a surrender, just hope I can stay there.
I see very clearly this man is NOT the sober man I knew, and how the disease has RAVAGED his mind...that knowledge doesnt always bring me comfort however....but for today, a day at a time, it does.
Peace out, all.
oh, and you should see the email he sent me AND copied it to the therapist. Boy....what an email...took my inventory like a pro...told all my naughty behavior, like as if saying to the therapist "She what SHE is doing worng". I didnt reply to it cus it speaks volumes to his maturity and Im sure the therapist will see that. Im done...I feel so exhausted. Im in a surrender, just hope I can stay there.
I see very clearly this man is NOT the sober man I knew, and how the disease has RAVAGED his mind...that knowledge doesnt always bring me comfort however....but for today, a day at a time, it does.
Peace out, all.
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