TroubledNC

Everyone with young kids,

What have you told your young children about an alcoholic parent? I told my 3-year old that Daddy was "sick", but now she is very worried that he is going to be okay. Cried before bed last night. They know more than we think. I am always very careful about talking about the situation around her, but I am sure she senses the tension and knows Daddy is going to a lot of meetings (outpatient and AA).

I know it is never easy to explain this to a child of any age. Just need some thoughts on this. Especially if the next step needs to be "leaving Daddy" and getting a new apt. of our own.

Thanks in advance.

guyinNC

I think with a child at the age, just tell her that "Daddy loves You".

She is too young to process anything more. If your little girl crying herself to sleep is not motivation enough for not quitting drinking.......I don't know what is. To me....that would be worse than any other rock bottom.

kermit

I told mine that Daddy loves them, and had to move to find work. (BS) I told my middle (7yrs) when he asked, "Is dady ever going to stop drinking?" I don't know son, but I won't givr up on that hope if you wont. No matter how long it takes. My 4yr he only understands alittle. My 16yr old Hates he dad

iluvmyboyz

my boys are five.. its hard i know. I only told them daddy loves you and he will be ok. I knew that if i said he was sick they would worry more. They cried the first time he was away every night for him. that broke my heart the most. This time, they asked but have accepted the fact he isn't around right now.

Over_It

When my husband just checked into rehab a couple of weeks ago my older son, 5, asked where daddy was and why he wasn't home (it had gotten to the point where he hardly ever left the house). I told him he was sick and had to go somewhere for a while to learn and practice how to get better. Their favorite babysitter left in the fall for college, so my 5 year old remembered and asked if daddy was going to "spend-the-night-school." I thought that was an excellent explanation, so we went with that.

Later that same evening I asked both boys if they wanted to pray before bed, and for daddy because prayers from children are extra-special to God. The 5 yr old prayed, "Dear God, please help daddy to get better and not be grumpy all the time anymore. Amen."

They know more than we think sometimes, huh?

He calls every night to talk with them and every single night the older one asks if he's coming home tomorrow.

cmc

Alanon has a good children's book called "What's Drunk, Mama?" and I highly recommend you get it and read it to her. Yes, they do understand quite a bit at that age and this book is very appropriate. If I had a child that age I would buy it, read it and leave it out for her/him to look at. Being honest and giving a simple explanation will keep a child from imagining that it's so terrible that nobody will ever discuss it. I'm sure there are other children's books available but I like this one. I liked the others' replies to your question- we have some great mommies here!

WantsOut

When he was young I would tell my son something like, "Daddy is having some grown up problems - it's just so hard to grown up problems to kids like you sometimes. Being a grown up is very complicated. I can tell you this - daddy's problems have nothing to do with you or with me. We didn't give him problems, he got them on his own and he has to fix them on his own. So while he's working on fixing his problems, you and me are going to stick close together and just do our best to be happy and do our work and have fun every day."

I guess the point for me is to seperate his problems from you two and to be confident that they are not your fault. YOur confidence will give her confidence that she didn't "drive daddy away" either.

Just some thoughts. Good luck no matter what. You are a good mom for giving this so much thought.

parentrecovers

this is an important thread. i wish i had known what i know now from alanon and dealt with my ex's alcoholism with my daughter when she was younger.

you're excellent mommies!

blessings, k

harleygirl92156

When my hubby went into rehab, I told my daughter-in-law to just tell our 5 year old grandaughter that he was sick and had to go to the hospital to get better and he would be gone until after christmas.
My daughter-in-law was adament against telling her that, so I said well then handle it how you see fit, just dont make her hate her PA, and she assured me she would never do that. Well she sat her down, explained that sometimes people drink and can't stop and it is called alcoholism and it is a disease, but you can get better if you go to a special place for help and that is where PA is so he can stop drinking......told to her in simple terms, she understood, 1. PA had a disease and that was not his fault. 2. PA had to get special help to get better and not drink 3. PA was coming back and we hoped his disease would stay away. She still talks about it today.
SSSOOOOOO, I can't say I am the wonderful mother here, because I would have used the sick and in the hospital story, MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW is the great mother here (oh by the way this is the good one, not the daughter-in-law from hell).
So I guess I would say tell them the truth, just simplifiy it and the details so they can get some grasp of the true situation.

nogard

make sure she knows its not her fault and tell her she is safe.

Kevin

mallowcup

I don't think children, especially small ones should be expected to understand.
I think the conversations should be between the adults and bringing all adult behavior into an acceptable manner.

loveRoy

On most days I don't know what to say to my girls. They are 21 and 27.

Over_It

With the 17 and 11 year olds I try to use it as an educational opportunity as much as possible so that hopefully they recognize and choose a different path to the best of their ability.

harleygirl92156

Children, even small ones, notice when something is wrong, they notice Daddy isn't home or hasn't been home for a long time, they notice daddy is "different" sometimes.
Children need to be told what they can understand in a way they can understand it. If all they see are adults whispering behind their back or in other rooms, they imagine the worst and they become afraid.
They need to be told the truth, not lied to and not shut out. It is a family disease and it affects everyone in the family from age 0 to 99.
Granted small children can't be give detailed accounts, but they can be told enough and explained enough to reassure them and help them feel safe.
Where's Daddy, is a question that will be heard and should not be ignored.

Sunflower

I used to tell my toddler that his daddy was ''sick'' thats it....I left him soon after that--and when he would ask--I would still tell him--"daddy is sick and can't take care of us"' he never asked again until he was about 6 and it was xmas time--he sat at the dinner table and cried and pulled out a map of the USA and said this is where we live and he does to and he still doesn't come?? Other kids daddies come and their parents are divorced??? I was devastated to say the least because he had finally realized how small the world was. After that day him and I never spoke of his father until he was 23....nope daddy never did come to visit...

nogard

I wish I had talked to my daughter about it earlier. I do now.

Kevin

Pick-a-name

I made "Under the Influence" available to my teenagers. Also; the family training we had before a family intervention was helpful. AH refused (and still refuses) treatment but the rest of us learned alot for ourselves.

The truth and answering their questions (with age appropriate answers) is always the best,I think,for any subject. If the kids are thinking about it enough to ask the question,they deserve a truthful answer. JMHO

Over_It

Sunflower - I felt so sad reading about your son that Christmas.

I tell my oldest, 17, (actually my husband's cousin) that God gives us 2 chances to have a family so that we have a chance to do it differently when we're the grown up.

LIFEOUTTHERE

I have a 2, 4 and 6 year old.

They knew what was going on with my XAH, they would beg and cry for us not to have to go home b/c daddy was so mean. This is when I knew I had to get them out of the situation.

I think that honesty, that a child can understand, is the best policy. I think we should edcuate our children about alcoholism. Children with an alchoholic parent has a better chance of becoming alcohol-dependent as an adult.

When my children ask a question, I answer it as best I can w/o putting the xah down. It is my job, as there mother, to teach and help my children understand.

Astro

I'm not sure how I would've explained alcoholism to my children when I was active, because in my mind I was able to justify my drinking.

I'm so grateful to my higher power and AA for a second chance at educating my children about alcoholism. We attend AA meetings together every week, and I'm amazed at what they're taught in school about drug abuse and alcoholism. That's quite a change for two kids who used to beg their father not to buy alcohol, and it makes me the richest man in the world.

My suggestion is to lead by example, and be open to programs like Al-A-Tot.