need for validation? normal?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
need for validation? normal?
The more I learn about myself the more I don't understand myself.
I seem to crave/need validation, not sure why or for what. Then when/if someone validates me. I get angry. I seem to then minimize it. Is this making sense I am not sure how to word it exactly.
I was hoping that someone could understand and put into words what it is I am trying to say and figure out. Is this normal? needing something and then getting angry when you get it.
I seem to crave/need validation, not sure why or for what. Then when/if someone validates me. I get angry. I seem to then minimize it. Is this making sense I am not sure how to word it exactly.
I was hoping that someone could understand and put into words what it is I am trying to say and figure out. Is this normal? needing something and then getting angry when you get it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi free.....yes, i've got a slice of this trait in my personality, too. it's really weird, isn't it?
i want to be admired, want to stand out as exceptional, want for people to notice that i am a cut above the rest.....then when it happens, i feel all embarrassed and ticked.
for me, i learned that this feeling came because i wasn't being authentic. i was angry with myself because although i did things to get the responses i desired, i knew deep down that i was being phoney. the recognition/validation was based on untruths, and it bothered me that people were validating me, unaware that i had created a false facade just so they would do so.
when i started doing good deeds totally annonymously (sp), then i started to feel much better about myself. my rule to myself was that absolutely no one was to ever be able to know in any way, shape or form that i had done the good deed. no calling attention to myself in any way.
this was just how it was for me.
i want to be admired, want to stand out as exceptional, want for people to notice that i am a cut above the rest.....then when it happens, i feel all embarrassed and ticked.
for me, i learned that this feeling came because i wasn't being authentic. i was angry with myself because although i did things to get the responses i desired, i knew deep down that i was being phoney. the recognition/validation was based on untruths, and it bothered me that people were validating me, unaware that i had created a false facade just so they would do so.
when i started doing good deeds totally annonymously (sp), then i started to feel much better about myself. my rule to myself was that absolutely no one was to ever be able to know in any way, shape or form that i had done the good deed. no calling attention to myself in any way.
this was just how it was for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
yes, embraced.. thats it. by golly you got it. Light bulb moment.
I am embarassed because if people really knew, ugh,.. I shutter even thinking about it.
I am and have been a complete phoney to myself, family and friends.
I am embarressed, not angered, by the validation because, what I am getting it for is not real or true. Almost like getting caught in a lie.
It has all been a facade. I have created a person and a world that isn't real. So when I receive what I think I need, validation/recognition, I can't accept it as it is not deserving.
That was confusing again, sorry. Hope everyone understands what I mean.
I really need to work on this one. definatley.
Wow. Thanks...
I am embarassed because if people really knew, ugh,.. I shutter even thinking about it.
I am and have been a complete phoney to myself, family and friends.
I am embarressed, not angered, by the validation because, what I am getting it for is not real or true. Almost like getting caught in a lie.
It has all been a facade. I have created a person and a world that isn't real. So when I receive what I think I need, validation/recognition, I can't accept it as it is not deserving.
That was confusing again, sorry. Hope everyone understands what I mean.
I really need to work on this one. definatley.
Wow. Thanks...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
want to be admired, want to stand out as exceptional, want for people to notice that i am a cut above the rest.....
This is one of the hardest parts of recovery for me. Fitting in, and just being "a part of". Not the best, or worst, just me.
when i started doing good deeds totally annonymously (sp), then i started to feel much better about myself. my rule to myself was that absolutely no one was to ever be able to know in any way, shape or form that i had done the good deed. no calling attention to myself in any way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
yes the pay it forward motto---to give expecting nothing in return that is true service...sending someone money in an unsigned card in the mail...leaving groceries on someones steps....having someones oil tank filled and they dont know who...this is the type of giving I like to do myself--as many did it for me when I needed it and I couldnt pay them back--so--pay it forward
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Okay, this whole post was like you guys wrote from my life. I'm so relieved there are people like me out there!
I, too, crave validation but I hate it when I get it because then I feel like next time I'll have to do something bigger and better and more and more....
For me it does come from low self-esteem and on top of everything else I'm still trying to find the real me. I've just been trying to surround myself with people who love me...and then (the hard part) accept that love. Believe it even when I don't feel it or feel like it could be true.
I've always believed in doing for others. I love the pay-it-forward idea. Personally, I perfer to do random-acts-of-kindness! But what I've learned is sometimes I have to treat myself like one of the 'others' and do good for me, too...just because I am worth it!
I, too, crave validation but I hate it when I get it because then I feel like next time I'll have to do something bigger and better and more and more....
For me it does come from low self-esteem and on top of everything else I'm still trying to find the real me. I've just been trying to surround myself with people who love me...and then (the hard part) accept that love. Believe it even when I don't feel it or feel like it could be true.
I've always believed in doing for others. I love the pay-it-forward idea. Personally, I perfer to do random-acts-of-kindness! But what I've learned is sometimes I have to treat myself like one of the 'others' and do good for me, too...just because I am worth it!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
After having lived with an A husband for many years, I too found that I needed my thoughts and my feelings validated. It was confusing and frustrating living w/ an A husband. He could have me questioning my rational thinking, until finally one day I didn't tend to have any!!! He always accused me of blowing things into big things when they weren't, accused him of things that weren't true when he was lying, always blamed me for things, and accused me of over reacting to everything. So after years of being told these things, being manipulated, lied too, and everything else, I guess I felt the need for validation because I was needing someone to understand me! XAH had a way of making me question everything and not trusting my own judgement.
Having been where you are - and having read that others have felt the same over the years - I believe that the need for validation is very common for those that live with someone that has an addiction as well as those that have low self esteem or have been verbally & emotionally abused. All part of the vicious cycle, in my opinion.
Having been where you are - and having read that others have felt the same over the years - I believe that the need for validation is very common for those that live with someone that has an addiction as well as those that have low self esteem or have been verbally & emotionally abused. All part of the vicious cycle, in my opinion.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
very good thread . i question my self esteem too at times . i feel very secure and confident but buy me a present and i'll tear you up for it .. surprise me w/a party and i'll be a beotch all night long . if you even give me a card i will not be able to look you in the eye and thank you because i feel im just not worth the time it took for you to pick it out . its seems ungrateful but its more like being embarrassed that you think so much of me .
as far as my ah goes , anything gift he could ever give me always came for the wrong reason so it meant nothing to me .
i do like the pay it forward plan . i take an active part in that often , its not what other people think of you that define you , its what you think of yourself .. its only important for you to know of the kind things you do everyday . knowing and believing you are the best person you can be (not perfect) is a great gift to yourself
as far as my ah goes , anything gift he could ever give me always came for the wrong reason so it meant nothing to me .
i do like the pay it forward plan . i take an active part in that often , its not what other people think of you that define you , its what you think of yourself .. its only important for you to know of the kind things you do everyday . knowing and believing you are the best person you can be (not perfect) is a great gift to yourself
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Excellent post, and quite timely. I didn't have any real self-esteem to begin with - my parents made sure of that. If I had realized that I had to approve of myself and love myself first, I certainly wouldn't have married my AH. Nope. Would have gone out on a few dates with him and then run as far in the other direction as possible!
We codies have a hard enough time focusing on ourselves as it is, and I think that has everything to do with why we don't know who we really are, what we really want, or who to choose as a partner. It takes hard work and recovery to get to a point in our own lives where we can accept ourselves and love ourselves.
Let's just say I'm a work in progress ...
We codies have a hard enough time focusing on ourselves as it is, and I think that has everything to do with why we don't know who we really are, what we really want, or who to choose as a partner. It takes hard work and recovery to get to a point in our own lives where we can accept ourselves and love ourselves.
Let's just say I'm a work in progress ...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by StandingStrong 
He always accused me of blowing things into big things when they weren't, accused him of things that weren't true when he was lying, always blamed me for things, and accused me of over reacting to everything. So after years of being told these things, being manipulated, lied too, and everything else, I guess I felt the need for validation because I was needing someone to understand me! XAH had a way of making me question everything and not trusting my own judgement.
wow, our exes must have been twins! that just described my life to a T!
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