Daisy30

I was just wondering if you let others know about your AH. Does it do any good?

I have not really told anyone about AH. BUt I am coming to the point where I want to tell his brother. Maybe have him talk to him about getting help??

Some days I feel like I can deal with this on my own...others I can't. I just feel like if some part of his family knew maybe it would help?? and even if it didn't at least I would be sharing the weight.

criss-cross

In my experience, after I had told all those who I work with about my AH, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I didn't have to hide anymore. I didn't have to make excuses as to why I was going to the Christmas party alone. Why everything I did was alone or with the kids, not with my AH.

Maybe begin the conversation by asking if they've noticed anything about AH and his drinking.

As for brother asking AH to get help, if AH still respects brother's opinion - it may carry some weight. But if AH doesn't see a problem - he won't see the need to react to even brother's suggestion.

Best of luck,

best

I only find it helps when we share with people who understand.
Does his brother drink? (he can't have a problem because that would mean I do as well)
Has his brother ever said anything about the drinking? ( could be a sign that his brother understands and knows)
You could be gathering support from someone with understanding or you could be talking with someone who doesn't understand and then you will need deal with their denial and opinions.

hope2bhappy

My problem with my A's family was that they were rarely around him. I tried to tell them, but I don't think they ever understood how bad it was, because they never saw it with their own eyes.

I did finally tell my co-workers and other friends. I didn't have to tell my own family, because they already had witnessed it themselves. But once I brought everything out into the open, I felt much better.

I don't know if telling his family members will change your A's drinking. Probably it won't. I will tell you this... after I told my A's mother and he found out what I had done, he was SO angry with me. At first, I felt guilty for what I had done, but then I snapped out of it. I realized he was mostly angry because he had been "outed." My freedom from the secret was my power. Have no expectations, and have no regrets.

RosieM

Hi, I'm a new poster (have never posted anywhere before!) but have been reading this forum for some time (thank you to everyone for being my companions in some dark times).

My AH has been a binge drinker for several years. I told his brother when it first started happening and it opened up the whole issue for the entire family. There is a huge family history of problems with alcohol that no one ever talked about. At least they talk about it now! And it has been the source of some comfort.

Now, just a couple of days since a really bad binge, I've asked him to leave the house and he is reaching out to his family for support, which he has never really done before. Who knows if it will be different this time. Just taking baby steps for now, I'm happy to be safe and talking to you all.

Daisy30

Good points
He doesn't usually drink around his family. If he does he keeps it to a minimum. So I think they would be kind of shocked to find out.

I picked his brother because it is someone he trusts and respects. His brother is on the straight and narrow.
I guess I never thought about them not believing me hmmm.

Daisy30

Also I wanted to add:
as much as I want to confide in friends..I can't because most of my friends are AH's co-workers. and I am too embarressed to tell any of my other friends.

also adding....while he doesn't really drink around his family...he has no problem being drunk in front of mine ((sigh))

stillsearching

rosie..just wanted to tell you GOOD LUCK with your situation, you will be in my prayers...

newenglandgirl

Wow Daisy, your posts express concerns so much like mine a few months ago! I can totally relate to your dilemma.

My AH really did a good job keeping his drinking hidden from both our families. So I knew it would be a huge shock for them all.

I dealt with a very, very crazy and intense active alcoholic living situation for a long time with no support. I kept it totally secret. And, over the years, I became quite isolated (living with a huge secret can do that).

It got to the point where my AH was spending 2-7 days a week (depending on his work schedule and how many days off a week he could manage getting) not leaving his room and drinking pints of hard liquor from sun up til he passed out late at night. Over the course of the day, becoming incoherent, irrational, and just plain nuts.

He refused to get help. And I felt a huge burden of responsibility for him; I was the only person who knew how bad off he was and I felt totally helpless to do anything. I also knew that I was going to have to leave him (I didn't know at that point if it would be for good or not) and I knew I was going to have to tell his family so that they would be able to share the load in "watching" him and trying to get him help.

A good therapist helped me find the strength to tell my family and his. It changed everything because for the first time I had support for ME in dealing with the tragic situation. And I at least was able to get his parents involved so that I would not be his sole "caretaker". That was a huge weight off for me.

I've told some friends and co-workers too. And everyone has been really supportive and great. My family especially.

I think telling people also helped me realize how bad things had gotten. It really helps to get that perspective. And letting go of my huge secret was very good for me. Living like that...so isolated and secretive and all alone with a scary drunk...was killing me.

I was terrified to tell my secret at first. I had all the same fears you did. All I can say is that telling people was the first step I took towards getting my life back and getting healthy again.

newenglandgirl

Welcome Rosie!!!

Nice to meet you.

You've come to the right place...SR is a great place to get support and learn lots.

It sounds like you are starting to put down some boundaries with your AH. I am glad that his family is involved.

Please do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.

Keep posing. We understand what you are going through.

hugs,
neg

Sunflower

welcome rosie!!!
as for letting other know---most of them most likely already know anyway--I hid it for a long time with my AS then I just told everyone--half already knew--it made me feel better--and gave me more support--keeping secrets is hard work--too hard--it is what it is..

justjo

It wouldnt hurt to share with someone. That way you may get some sanity. We all need some support. I have found that only joining a month ago here, it has helped tremendously. I talk to my mum about it, but its like we are all at different stages of dealing with it. It still hurts me but I have now accepted reality.
Funny, though now it is like I knew all the answers, but needed support. Here it is.

The only thing though is that you can share it with others but really unless they have seen an alcoholic look like they have crawled out from under a rock they probably would not know how bad it is. The shock of seeing a loved one dirty, smelly, ugly, shaking, desperate, not well , is not funny.

Ask any question you like, someone here will have great advice for you.

queenteree

Rosie - Hi and welcome. For years I kept my Ah"s drinking a secret, making excuses on why he wasn't with me at parties, functions, etc. Then I stopped making excuses. When people asked, I'd flat out tell them that he's home drunk. Last year, at a family get together, everyone asked where he was, I said "home, drunk", a couple of my female cousins looked at me so compassionate-like (oh, the poor girl, her husband's a drunk type thing) meanwhile they're there with their A husbands who get drunk and crazy at the function, treat their wives like dirt by insulting them in front of everyone about how fat they are and stuff, and then my cousins drive their A's home like dutiful wives. Oh poor me, please! I had a great time at the party without him. Another time, at a company thing, everyone asked where AH was, told them the same thing - funny, they all knew he had a drinking problem anyway and thought I didn't know! Feels much better to let people know rather than make excuses. As for telling your BIL - why bother, I tried those things, doesn't do any good until your A decides he needs help.

Grasshopper

When i came to recovery program,the first sign i saw on the wall was--you are no longer all alone.And i cried,with relief.Finally i was in the right place with folks who know what ive been through,and have found a solution.I got to the point where i told others about my loved ones alcoholis,.I told my family/his.anyone who would listen to me,and i got myself into a war zone.Others who dont understnad about alocoholism,told me out-right that the drinkinbg could not have been --THAT--bad.Others told me to leave.,my hub.His family denied it all,and i became the out-cast.My loved one felt that i went behind his back,for his believed that his drinking wasnt that bad.,and gave me a hard time.From others it turned out,as seing things as him verces me,sort of thing.What a mess.But when i came to al-anon/aa,i cried,for finally i knew that they too knew the truth.And have found solutions for MY own recovery.
This has been my own personal experience with telling others.Of course my experience doesnt mean that it will turn out for you like it did me.Pray and take time with this.It always good to let it out,and share,with understanding,trusted,folks,who will not judge,you or him.

free2be

How does that saying go... Please, ignore the elephant in the living room. Or something like that. Chances are most people already know. If you feel that family and friends would be receptive and supportive than share. It really about what you are comfortable with. take care.

P.S. welcome Rosie...

Seeking Wisdom

From my personal experience, I went may years keeping my husband's drinking problems a secret. Eventually when it appeared he wasn't getting any better, and the impact of his drinking was taking a bigger and bigger toll on our lives and his ability to work and function as decent father and husband were deteriorating ... I realized I couldn't hide it anymore. Also, when he started irrationally threatening to divorce me and take my kids, the house and destroy me ... he had finally crossed a line and he no longer deserved any loyalty or privacy with his alcohol abuse problems. Around this same time, I started having to leave the house with the kids to survive his raging insanity ... and I finally had to let family members know about his problems.

I learned you can never predict how others will respond to this information. There are those that will whisper behind your back, and accuse you of overreacting and maybe causing the excessive drinking ... these people are toxic and will make your problems worse. Unfortunately, whether we like it or not ... many people require proof of irresponsible drinking before they will start to believe you. Some will understand and be sympathetic ... but it is hard to predict. After years, I found out that too many people were insincere in their support towards me and were in fact trying to place blame on me or something or someone else ... such as his work was too stressful for him. Most of these problems but not all, occured within my husband's family as they wanted to believe he was not capable of such embarrassing behavior. It was only years later, when he started getting diagnosed with serious alcohol related health problems, that his family could no longer deny the situation. Others began to witness first hand his outrageous drinking behaviors. In the end, no one doubted his extreme alcoholism... but it took years of progression before they truly accepted his severe problems.

To this day, I have many unhappy memories of those I thought I could trust with this information ... but betrayed me behind my back. That is one of the wonderful things about coming here, is that we all understand the behaviors and don't doubt what we hear from others...we understand and support each other.

newenglandgirl

Well put SeekingWisdom.

That line got crossed with me too. The way he began to behave, and the things he would say to me were just beyond crazy...it woke me up from my deep denial. I knew I had to tell...I realized that he was SICK. That's the thing...for so long it never crossed my mind that he was SICK! I thought for years that he was just drinking too much. And all he had to was stop and all our problems would go away.

The things he said and did during those drunken times broke the trust I had in him. I know I can't rely on him anymore to have my welfare as a priority. How can I go back to a man who has shown me over and over again that he is capable of humiliating me, scaring me, disappointing me, and, in general, just not respecting me?

I was prepared to have his family "turn" on me when I told them. I had been forewarned here at SR.

At first they were working with me to try to get him into rehab...but then when he started pulling himself together somewhat they seemed to buy his b.s. that he "fixed" the problem, and that it was never really all that bad. They just don't understand how deep the problem is. Yeah, he can get it together for controlled, short periods of time...but it's still there...

I can't say that I blame them really. Like SeekingWisdom says, they really don't want to face the truth that their son could be as sick as his wife claims. Their behavior (pulling away from me, etc) really was to be expected...not that it's healthy. Once I filed for divorce...they stopped contacting me altogether.

embraced2000

people know much more than you think, in most cases. like someone else said....it's hard to hide an elephant.

stillsearching

For me when i shared with his family what was going on, his Mom started to list things that she had see me do when they were here visiting (they live out of state) like how I took a ice cream scoop out of his hand at a birthday party, why didn't I just let him scoop the ice cream...is what she said! I was floored, she went onto "list" several of my other faults she had seen, but then told me that she was not blaming me...but that his feelings had been hurt so many times...I was floored!!

For the longest time I tried to hide it from everyone, but it came to a point where it could not be hidden from the children anymore, because of his actions.

I have a close friend who has been a life saver to me, very supportive and helpfull. I have recently started to share it with others, because I too am to the point where why should I lie or cover things up??? for him?

I think what has been hard for me to get over was that I was afraid people would think I was exagerating or making it up....after all how could someone behave like that and still hold a job ect....I think that was my denial part....it still is hard for me at times to believe he is drinking as much as he is...

duet_4-8

I experienced this, as well. Especially if you, like me, have done a good job of hiding it and making things appear normal to outsiders. I should have won an oscar for my performance.....

I think living with an addicted loved one is something that has to be experienced to be completely understood. Therefore, a good place to start is alanon; find some people who REALLY understand and lean on them for support, because you will need it. Keep coming here, too.

You can bank on all manner of irrational behaviors from your AH when you start exposing the secrets. There will be people that will be completely snowed by the things he says about you, your life together, or whatever.

A's are very convincing because they honestly believe what they are saying. They honestly believe that the problem is not them. As long as they can blame someone else, they don’t have to look inside.

A's have a skewed perception of reality. That is part of the disease. Another part of it is projecting blame, and manipulating people in what ever way works best be it by shame, guilt, intimidation, verbal abuse, etc. Still another part of it is seeing oneself as the ‘victim’ of terrible mistreatment when those who have been enabling you stop doing that, and doing anything and everything to try to restore things to the way they have been.

People who have never experienced these behaviors can get sucked under quite easily by the 'quacking'. I was rather blind-sided by some of the people that believed AH, at least for awhile. But the A can't keep it up forever, because they are building a house of cards and it will fall on them sooner or later.

All that said, you need to stop covering up your life and find some support for yourself. Just choose who you go to with care, and take baby steps.

Once it is out in the open, though, you will experience a freedom that you have probably forgotten existed.