Ronron

I'm a talker (that's not what I've discovered, I've known that since I said ,'ball' at six months...). Particularly when I am distressed, I talk to anyone who will lend an empathetic ear. I do it in part because it is cathartic, and because whether its my best friend or the guy at the 7-11, there is usually a measure of support. Of course, I mean a genuine conversation with someone, not just spilling my guts to anyone who is around. Do you get the difference? Anyway, one thing I've discovered in telling my story again and again and again is that most everyone I tell it to has lived it in some form themselves. Yes, that's right, maybe I'm just an ace at picking out the empathetic, I've-been-there-too people, or maybe this problem is so far spread that nearly everyone has had experience with it. What ever the reason is, I have learned something new from every person I've confided in. Sometimes a great pearl of wisdom, sometimes just a little one, but always something. I guess what I'm saying is if it makes you feel better to talk, then do it. Your AH is the one with the problem. You have a need for information, empathy and support. You can't control him, but you have a right to help yourself, even if that means shouting from the rooftops.

Roni

Sunflower

you can trust us here---this is the first place I have ever shared my deepest darkest fears and my past---years of councelling couldn't do for me what this group has in one month--i couldnever trust enough to say how I really felt---but as I said before I did share my As problem with everyone I was close to---now I am able to work on ME

TexasGirl

This is true, but I also think it's understandable. Remember when each of us first started questioning whether our significant others might be an A or not? Even we have to break through our own denial and admit that something is going on. I had my own first-hand proof of irresponsible drinking, and it took me quite a while to admit to myself how bad it was. How can we expect our family members to react any differently?

Sunflower

yes who would ever want this for someone they love-no one

chero

Daisy, You've received some great advice on here. I have been where you are...to tell or not to tell?? I waited until my AH got arrested and then everybody in our small town knew. I know now that was wrong. Then I covered it up and pretended it was okay and no big deal. It was an awful lie. Things weren't good. In fact, they were horrible and not telling left me alone and confused.
So, looking back over the past 12 years I think now I would have told those who needed to know and anybody else that would be able to offer me support and love. Not necessarily understanding-if you haven't walked this road you can't understand it. But that's okay. Find those people that love YOU and support YOU.
You're going to need them!
Remember, too, this isn't your problem and you don't have anything to be ashamed of!!
Love AND Understanding, Cheryl

StandingStrong

Like so many others before me - I too hid the truth for many years. And then when I did begin to tell, I minimized the truth - waivered back and forth between telling and then minimizing.
For me and my now XAH, the truth began coming out slowly. And that truth continued to come out slowly for many years.
I finally reached a point where I realized that I had no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed of his actions. During one phase of my telling people what he was doing, he was upset and asked me why I had told. My response was "Well, if you don't want people to know - then maybe you shouldn't do it".

Today, I have absolutely no problem telling the truth from my side of the story. I no longer will hide anything that XAH does as I find it a form of enabling him! And I no longer feel any responsibility for him or his actions either!

Just remember to look at your motives. If you are planning to tell the brother - and have some sort of expectations for having told - you may be setting yourself up for even more disappointment.
It took many years and XAH getting comfortable enough to show his true self before people really began to believe what I'd said. Even now, there are those that have not ever seen that side of XAH so they feel that I'm making things up.
That used to hurt my feelings. But it no longer does. I know the truth - I lived the truth - and I have the scars to proof the war that I lived through. I don't feel the need for validation like I used too - but I also have released my hold on my XAH and therefore no longer help or enable him.

You just have to really give some deep thought to your motives behind telling - and not to have expectations. It can be manipulative if done for the wrong reasons.

Surround yourself with those that understand. There are those that just will never "get it" because they've never experienced anything with someone that is an A. Sometimes I think that it's just one of those things that you have to experience yourself to fully understand. Try Alanon and keep coming here!

mallowcup

Telling, saying it out loud was a turning point of me. It made it real and out loud. It was like we were going full speed ahead into a brick wall and just before the crash, I threw the car in reverse.

Daisy30

thank you you have all given me a lot to concider

HolyQow

It's been my experience that the people I would tell....already knew. Others, come right out and ask me how I put up with "that" when his behavior is at a peak. Others ask me if AH is like that ALL of the time?! And the rest, ignore it, like it will just cure itself if we don't talk about it.

I also find that it doesn't do much good to talk with those around us, because they don't want to choose sides, or be placed in the middle. Then there is his family. Remember, they love him no matter what, so it makes no difference to them if he is really as bad as I say. They don't have to live with him.

With the exception of my brother-in-law, I would say that none of my husbands family truly believes it's "that" bad. He has probably witnessed more than the rest of the family, and has seen the irrational behavior, and seen me screaming, crying, trying to reason with AH, begging, nagging, etc. I wouldn't say that we have ever had a real discussion about it, but he knows. I've said things like "AH just doesn't know when to quit" and brother whole-heartedly agrees. BIL has on occassion defended me, telling his brother to shutup, or telling him that he doesn't know what he talking about. I don't feel that we are siding against AH, but have some mutual understanding about what is really going on with him.

So I would say tell whoever you want, nothing to be embarrassed about, but don't expect too much from these people. Unless they have lived with an alcoholic, they will not really know the depth of what you are talking about.